Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Actually I am giving the
watch to Kansas Farmer so he can tell you a sea story. Enjoy.
From The Archives
A Navy tall tale from Kansas Farmer
Standing Rat Watch
by Dennis Hammer, CR Division 1968-70
A new man reported on board just fresh out of boot camp to one of
the deck divisions. I was told it was First Division.
A First Class Boatswain's Mate put him on rat guard watch. He had
him on the Quarterdeck standing at parade rest with a 2X4 when
Captain Fischer came on board. The sailor on rat guard watch came to
attention or port arms with the 2X4.
Captain Fischer walked over to him and asked, "What are you doing
sailor?"
"I am standing a rat guard watch , sir" came the reply.
"Well, what are your duties on the rat guard watch?" Captain Fischer
inquired.
"If any rats attempt to come up the forward brow I am to pursue and
try to kill them, sir."
"Who put you on this watch?" the captain asked.
"A First Class Boatswain Mate in my division" he replied.
Then Captain Fischer said, "I want you to go down and tell the
boatswain I want to see him."
"I can't leave my post until properly relieved, sir."
Captain Fischer took the 2X4 from him and said, "You are properly
relieved, now go get him."
A short time later the boatswain arrived on the Quarterdeck and
finds Captain Fischer with the 2X4 standing at parade rest. The
captain then comes to port arms, and hands the 2X4 to the boatswain
and says, "You have the next watch!"
Enjoy the chips...buffalo
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Q and A Chips
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Did you hear condoms are now being sold with a free calling card? ~
The attached instructions say, "If you can't come, call."
What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
~ Wake her up first!
Did you hear about the house that was built by lesbians?
~ There were no studs it was all tongue in groove.
What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
~ Two gays with hemorrhoids.
Why is death a lot like sex?
~ It feels funny for a second, but then it's over.
Why do women like wearing black panties?
~ It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those
who were buried here."
What is a Peter Pan?
~ A wash basin in a whorehouse.
What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
~ You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
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Short Chips
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A local lady, one of our group members, was having breakfast at the
fancy Ritz-Carlton restaurant down in Naples, She was making a bit
of a fuss "Now, young man", she demanded of the waiter, "Make sure
my toast is crisp, my egg is soft but not runny, and I will not
abide sausage with the mixed grill. One sight of sausage makes the
short curly hairs on the back of my head stand on end." "What a
coincidence", commented the waiter. " Usually just tne sight of
short curly hairs makes my sausage stand on end."
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a
caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to
marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid
criticism."
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students : "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the
toilet, what would you say to her? " Mike replies : Wait a minute,
I'm going for a piss. The teacher says : That would be very rude and
improper on your part. Johnny replied : I'm sorry I need to go to
the toilet, I'll be back in a minute. The teacher says : That's much
better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is
unpleasant. And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a
moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I
hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher
passed out.
Stan Kegel
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Loan Chips
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Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be
challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially
hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching
back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through
generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to
establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the
FHA on behalf of a client:
You have to love this lawyer........
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told
the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a
parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the
property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to
track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received
the following reply.
(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of
Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have
prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you
have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to
1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to
clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I
note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years
covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly
those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of
origin identified in our application. For the edification of
uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.
Ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right
of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain
by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking
a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful
about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance
Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is
the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is
commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is
safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called
Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His
origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we
know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be
satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was immediately approved
Harveythefrogprince
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What Chips
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One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for
suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I`ll tell you what,"
said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a
dollars worth of what`s what."
Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town.
Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what`s what.
He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the
pharmacist`s desk, held up the dollar and said, "I`d like a dollar`s
worth of what`s what, please."
The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose
chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the
red light on the front porch, they can get you some what`s what."
Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall,
stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her "bush" was
right in little Tommy`s face. Pointing to it he said, "what`s
that?"
"What`s what?" the prostitute replied. Tommy then replied, "Good,
I`ll take a dollar`s worth."
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Heaven Chips
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Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of
heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person
come." He said "Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person.
"State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said.
"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in
need, and serving the Lord."
"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven."
And off the nun went.
"Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life."
"I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I
told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."
"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go
now."
he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"
"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man
every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different
man every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said a
beautiful Girl.
"Here is a key made of Copper." he said.
"Is that the key to Hell?!"
"No, this is the key, for my apartment."
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LynnLynn's Links
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Lets Talk
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carolyn w/ Where Did They Go Lord ~ Elvis Presley
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Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
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Movie Links
Swan
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Texas Shoot Out
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Things Men Will Do For A Cold Beer
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Workout Bra
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Peeling
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Pig Chips
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A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard,
he had determined to take them to the county fair and
sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who
owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided
to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another
and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field
in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer
with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs
into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle
they had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other
farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning,
then
they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he
hosed them off, loaded them again into the family
station wagon and proceeded to try again. The
following morning, MUD again!!!
This continued all week until one morning the farmer was
so tired that he couldn't get out bed. He called to his
wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs
are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," reported his wife. "They're in the station wagon
and one of them is honking the horn."
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
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In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
I was both proud and shy
As he opened his fly
When I saw it I thought I would die.
______________________________
A lubricious young woman named Gwen
Had never learned how to say "when!"
So she did it again
And again and again
And again and again and again.
______________________________
Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold
And given to me
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."
"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way,
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
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Parting Chips
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I just came up with an idea for a new reality show that will be
entertaining, and help the country out at the same time. It will be
called "Survivor, Government", and it will put selected politicians
(all of them, eventually) into a remote area with just a few tools
(a firearm only if they support the 2nd Amendment), and only their
wits and intelligence (if any) to help them reach civilization.
During the program, the true survivors will have to kill and eat the
losers. After the "winners" reach civilzation, they will be
rewarded with a choice of competing again, or leaving politics.
How's that for a helpful solution to our political problems?
Dave
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1810
Trash Talk
Diana: BJ you had better go see what the dogs are doing. They are
almost ready to fight.
BJ: Okay.
BJ hurries down the steps and right into an argument.
Rudy: Will so!
Val: Will not!
BJ: What is the argument about?
Sandi: We understand we will have a smaller yard. Some of us think
we can not take our doghouses with us. What is the truth Daddy?
BJ: Oh you will like this. Not only will you take your doghouses
with
you, but there is a huge doghouse in the backyard that is about 50
times larger than your biggest one.
Rudy almost passes out.
Katie does.
Val is measuring hers.
Sandi is just grinning.
BJ continues: It has it's own electricity, it has windows that
opens up.
Rudy: I have died and gone to Heaven.
Val: Amazing.
BJ: It has an attic.
Katie... thud!
The herd in Guthrie
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Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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