Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I want to express my extreme thanks to those of you that have
helped with the Let's Bring Em Home Program. I know many
of you forwarded the requests to your friends and that many of
you donated air miles and money. Here is the current status.
56 tickets completed
Donations received: $47,304.08
Miles donated: 255,000
Number of donors: 611
Amount still needed: $9,169.38
This is awesome considering it isn't even the 1st of Dec. yet but
it sure would be nice to see double or triple that number get
tickets
to spend the holidays with their families. If you finish your
shopping
and find you have a little extra, please think about donating.
http://www.lbeh.
Speaking about the Emergency Broadcast System, I still remember the
Conelrad civil defense symbols on the AM dial. They also had an air
raid siren in town that if you heard it other than at curfew time,
2200,
you knew you were in deep doodoo. We were 8 miles away from the
Locks which was a primary target, along with the Radar Base which
was
three miles away. My dad brought home Army Civil Defense manuals
from work and I knew from way too much information that Duck and
Cover wasn't going to help you one bit. I still think if that went
off in the middle
of the night I would need a change of underwear. Fortunately after a
month or two of not being vaporized you get over it and get back to
being a kid.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smoking Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diary of a Smoker-Quitting
This Sucks
Day One: Shit.
Day One again only the next day:
Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes
as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like
squished
roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of
cigarettes. Watch
husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat leftover beans
from last
night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and wave occasionally.
Can't sit and
write or surf as this has been main smoking area. It's about four-o'
clock now;
I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one.
That's Mr.
Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly,
right now, I
don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation.
Spend next
three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World
doomed in my
opinion.
Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
Great; two extra hours of fencing practice
with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.
Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire
for
nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six times
during
night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my
system flush
poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and
deep-seated
oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill or have sex with mail
carrier
when post arrives. Probably both.
Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.
Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
Did all laundry out of necessity -
body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets
(Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.
Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.
Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag;
keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.
Feed rest down garbage disposal.
Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.
Day 4: Receive visitor.
Police looking for missing mail carrier -
received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make
coffee and
offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make
smiley faces
on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to
tears.
Confess.
Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee.
( Federal crime.)
Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison
for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.
Day 552:
Receive divorce papers:
husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes
and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep.
Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment
to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Feel better.
Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if
anything wanted at last moments.
Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one
last smoke.
Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one
in. Sit back,
relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden
enters cell
excitedly; Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes
a Village"
crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of
severe
nicotine withdrawal.
Day 1: Shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pelosi Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cow suddenly jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the
car comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to
the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.' The
chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but
it was old.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.
Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the
daughter made love to me.' 'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy.
'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to
them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old
cow.'
Gordon
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Russian Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily
ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in
English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real
problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation,
clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know
how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her
blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again
and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find
a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the
store.......
What were you Thinking?
Harold
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heartwarming Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child
the
gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-
more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to
her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account...
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new
house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working
on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot
ever
deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
Mike
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prison Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.
The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with
this guy. Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those
shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he
doubled
over.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
"You guys are so stupid.....I'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watch Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus
in Jerusalem.
The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time
is it?"
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again,
"what time is it?"
The old Jew looks up him, but still doesn't
answer.
The young Jew is puzzled, "Sir, forgive me for
interrupting you all the time, but I really
want to know what time it is. Why won't you
answer me?"
The old Jew turns toward the young man and says,
"Son, the next stop is the last on this route.
I don't know you, so you must be a stranger to
this land. If I answer you now, according to
Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my
home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful
daughter. You would fall in love with her and
you'd want to get married. And tell me, why
would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford
a fucking watch?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Melva/I Stand
http://silverandgol
Brother Bob's Poems Of The Week:
http://ministry-
ANGEL AT THE DOOR Via Carol
http://home.
The Stars We See
http://www.poetryin
*+*+*+*+*+*+
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Surfin Surfari
Nutcracker Museum Via Dianne
http://www.nutcrack
National Traffic and Road Closure Information
http://www.fhwa.
Snow and Ice data
http://www-nsidc.
Christmas Facts!
http://www.luvscrea
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Okay, I wanted to let you know that I'm giving the whole damn thing
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As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
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Press here to get your copy:
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Free online Trojan Scanner - Scan your system for Trojans
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Digital On-line Canvas
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Prio - Process Priority Saver. Free for personal use.
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Movie Links
Sir Edmund
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Smoke Inhalation
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Sneeze Aivastus
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Sorry Sir no bathing suits in the lobby
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Sorry Officer
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Exam
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Future Engineers
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Glock Home Protection
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Gunfighter
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Guterbike
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
Douche with beer.
What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A homo-sex-y'all.
Hear about the new gay sitcom?
Leave it, it's Beaver.
Why is sex is like software?
For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.
What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
The penis.
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
What's the definition of a vicious circle?
A pussy with teeth.
How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
How do you get a woman off during sex?
Push her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Holiday Season be a hit and steal the show with the Spinbot!
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See the video for yourself,
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Painting
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Can
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Booty call
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Pantie lock
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Amazon.com
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Show Girl
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Sperm Bank
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Big Daddy
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Best Catch
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.
An alluring but cranky au pair
Was arrested for lethal child care...
The kid was a pain
So she opened his vein,
But swears that he tripped on a stair.
A cannibal chef from Botswana
Said, "Oh it would be sheer Nirvana,
If only I could,
In full babyhood,
Saute an hors d'oeuvre from Montana."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a woman in my office became engaged,
a colleague offered her some advice. "The first
ten years are the hardest," she said.
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Ten years," she replied.
- - - - -
This couple had been going out together for
quite a while and was thinking about getting
married. They finally decided to spend a night
in a motel to see if they were sexually compatible.
The next morning he dropped her off at her
apartment and he said, "So long Lucy."
She said, "Goodbye, Shorty."
- - - - -
The young Swedish au pair had been working
for the Schmitts for more than a year. While
hardworking and efficient, she still struggled
with English.
One day she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had
received good news from her boyfriend Sven.
"He is coming visit me from army next week!"
"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How
long is his furlough?"
"Oh," the young woman said, "about long as
Mr. Schmitt's. Maybe little thicker."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's
voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner Love?
Chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"Fuck You. YOU'RE having soup. I was talking to the dog."
Gordon
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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