Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Something a little lighter from the archives.
I was on watch on the upper level of the fire room
at the check man station. My job was to make sure
the water level stayed constant in the boilers. I
was a redundancy as pneumatic controls normally did
the job as well or better than I did. At arm's length
beside me were two large valve wheels , one controlling
the flow of water to each boiler. Directly behind me
was a firefighting station and the guard rail of the
stairway going to the lower level of the fire room
where the burners and pumps for the boilers were. If
anything happened the escape route was down the stairs
and into an escape trunk which had a door to seal
it from the fire room. Fire and steam rose and if you
tried going out one of the normal access routes you
could be cooked before you made it to the main deck.
As I watched the water level going up and down in the
boiler above me a steam line exploded. I could see the
steam coming at me and feel the heat but I couldn't seem
to get around the handrail to escape the heat and I couldn't
see what was blocking my way. Finally out of desperation I
pushed hard and finally able to move dived down the stairway.
I felt myself falling and then suddenly I landed softly in the dark
tangled in something. About that same time I felt someone
hitting me and I heard a woman's voice screaming. This was
out of place as the Navy wasn't Co-ed yet aboard aircraft carriers.
Then I popped out of the haze I was in and heard, "Are you out
of your mind?", "Are You crazy?, "You just threw me out of bed."
It was a few months after my first experience with a
broken expansion joint in a steam line and the girl
I was living with ashore had the misfortune of liking
to sleep on the side of the bed that coincided with
my escape route when my mind went into replay. It
never happened again but I think she slept with one
eye open after that. As is usually the case the ship
and I changed homeports and she didn't.
Everybody better think about thawing the turkey.. Thanksgiving
approaches quickly.
buffalo
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Texas Chips
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THE COUNTRY OF TEXAS
Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union . (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)
We Texans love y'all, but we'll probably have to take action since B. Hussein Obama won the election. We'll miss you too.
Here is what can happen:
#1: Barack Hussein Obama becomes President of the United States , Texas immediately secedes from the Union .
#2: George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of Texas .
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.
5. Natural Gas - again we have all we need and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry will have to figure out a way to keep them warm....
6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications-
7. Medical Care - We have the largest research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers. Dallas has some of the best hospitals in the United States .
8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT ( University of North Texas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have a ready supply of workers. We could just open the border when we need some more.
10. We have essential control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over Chuck Norris and a couple of Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
Signed, The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about!
SLEEP WELL TONIGHT THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!
One Nation Under God
Rose
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Arab Chips
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A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
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Married Chips
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A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight. The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said,"Where will you sleep tonight?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor."
The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk.
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The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't you?"
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.
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Limerick Chips
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I sat by the Duchess for tea,
And she asked, " Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt it was one up for me.
~~~
A mortician who practice in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
~~~~~~
"Sex is a sin," mused Miss Willow
As she eyed the nude man from her pillow,
"But your equipment's so small
That it's no sin at all
I would term it a mere peccadillo."
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Short Chips
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The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.
On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts like buggery!"
The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will file your petition," .
"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard sandpaper his dick!"
~~~~
Have you anything to say or yourself," the judge said to the hard-bitten defendant after hearing the case.
"Fuck all," muttered the defendant.
"What did the fellow say?" asked the old judge who was a little hard of hearing.
The clerk spoke close to the judge's good ear. "He said 'fuck all!' your worship."
That's strange," replied the judge. "I'm sure I saw his lips move."
~~~~~
One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
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A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale'
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Big 12 Chips
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Big 12 Group therapy
------------
Found this on the Tech board, I think they got it from K-State, it's freakin hilarious.
Found this on a K-State blog page...funny stuff - DubP
~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a conference, we have a great many teams with varying personalities. Some have their strengths, some have their weaknesses, and all of them have a bit of neurosis.
That's why the Big 12 Conference has asked all of its members to attend a group therapy session.
Okay, they really didn't, but if they did, I think it would have gone something like this...
Counselor: Okay, everyone, sit down. We're going to start our first therapy session. Who would like to share first?
Kansas State: Uh, I guess that I'll go first. Well, our defense...
Counselor: Before you go on, make sure you tell everyone your name and why you're here.
KS: Oh, I'm sorry. My name is Kansas State, and I don't have a defense.
Everyone: (In unison...) Hi, Kansas State.
KS: (Scratches behind head...) Yeah, anyway, I don't know exactly what happened, but my defense just packed up and left over a year ago. I can't figure out what I did wrong; just, one day, without any warning, I showed up to the stadium and there it was, a "Dear John" letter, saying that things weren't working out and it was leaving.
Counselor: Kansas State, how did that make you feel?
KS: Well, it made me feel vulnerable. Timid. Scared, and not smart.
Counselor: Have you tried finding your defense?
KS: Of course. I called. I left messages. I even wrote it a song. I told it that I missed it and wanted it back. It told me, "No."
Counselor: What did you do after your defense said that?
KS: I cried.
Counselor: Okay...OKAY! I think we're making progress here. What have you done since to overcome your loss?
KS: I'm basically letting every offense score on me like I really need the money.
Counselor: Alright...that'
Nebraska: Nothing's wrong. I'm only here because the conference told me that I had to come today.
Counselor: Are you sure nothing's wrong? Nothing is bothering you right now? Also, tell everyone your name.
Nebraska: Ha! Give me a break. Everyone knows who I am. There isn't a damn thing wrong with me. Sure, I've come on hard times in the last couple of years, but I'll be back. The great ones always come back. I've just got to try harder. That's all.
Counselor: (Turns head and whispers into a recorder) Classic case of denial with a hint of narcissism.
Nebraska: I'm sorry, did you say something?
Counselor: Nope. Who's next?
Colorado: I'll go.
Counselor: Good. Go ahead; tell us who you are.
Colorado: I'm Colorado, and I'm really confused right now.
Counselor: Why are you confused?
Colorado: I was told there would be beer and strippers at this party. But from what I can tell, there's no beer, and this isn't a party.
Counselor: Who told you there would be a party here today?
Colorado: The guy that recruited me to come here. He said there'd be beer, weed, and I'd for sure get laid. But, I gotta tell you, all I'm seeing are a bunch of lame teams, and Kansas State is really creepin' me out. Dude keeps telling me he'll let Cody Hawkins score on him all day, long time.
Counselor: K-State, stop letting everyone score on you! Have you no self-respect?
KS: (Sobbing...) I can't st-st-st-oooooop.
Counselor: Alright, anyone else?
Iowa State: Hi, my name's Iowa State, and I'm invisible.
Counselor: Who are you again?
IS: Iowa State. You know, the Cyclones?
Counselor: Are you on my sheet? When did you join the Big 12?
IS: I've been here since the league was founded.
Counselor: Really?
Texas: I've never heard of you. Hey, Okie, you heard of this guy?
Oklahoma: Nope.
Counselor: You can share if you want, but I'm not sure anyone paid for you to be here.
IS: You're all a bunch of dicks.
Oklahoma State: (Flashing a mouth of gold teefus...) Yo, yo, yo! What up ya'll! Oklahoma State in the hizzy.
Oklahoma: Seriously? What are you up to Vanilla Ice?
OS: Fo' rizzle. I gots mo' money than all ya'llz. I'm 6-0, I've got more coin than Kanye, and my coach gots more oil in his hair than T. Boone's got in his wells boooyyyyeeee!
Counselor: God help me.
OS: Don't be down, yo. I'm just keepin' it realz. Okie State in the hizouse.
Oklahoma: You're an idiot, and I'm going to kick your ***.
OS: Bring it biznatch. I'll bring my crazy option offense, and we'll see if you can do a better job stopping it than Missouri did.
Missouri: (Shrieks in pain...) Oh GOD why? WHYYYYYYY?
Counselor: Missouri, would you like to share?
Missouri: No, I don't want to SHARE. You saw the game on Saturday. I don't want to talk about it!
Counselor: Now, now. It's okay. Teams lose big games all of the time.
Missouri: We don't. When was the last time we were this good? When was the last time we were a legit contender for the national title? Huh? When? If you answered "never" then you'd be right. No one knows how this feels.
Kansas State: If I may interject...
Missouri: Don't give me that sob story about 1998.
Kansas State: I'm just sayin'. At least you lost to a really good team. Look at what's become of the team we lost to.
(Texas A&M sits in the corner eating a bottle of Elmer's glue...)
Kansas State: See?
Missouri: Yeah, we'll you didn't lose to Flava Flav over there. Mine's worse.
(Oklahoma State admires it's diamond encrusted chain...)
Kansas State: Oh, really. Let's see shall we. Hey, A&M, what's the capital of Texas?
Texas A&M: Unicorns.
Kansas State: And what's your school's mascot?
A&M: Burt Reynolds.
Counselor: A&M? Jesus, what happened to you?
A&M: We hired Mr. Fran, and he said that we were gonna be real good, and then he made us not real good, and then he beat our program with a brick until we was retarded. Then we hired Mr. Sherman, and he picked up the brick and started beating us until we gots more retarded.
Counselor: I don't think I can help you.
A&M: That's okay. You gonna eat them sparkles?
(A&M starts eating glitter...)
Counselor: Moving on. Baylor, would you like to share?
Baylor: Is it my turn to pray?
Counselor: Well, you can do what you like, but this isn't a prayer circle. It's our group therapy session.
Baylor: Oh, I know, but I figure you God-forsaken, public university heathens could use it.
Texas Tech: Someone's bitter.
Baylor: I would be too if I lived in Lubbock.
Tech: Hey, wait a damn minute!
Baylor: Oops. Dear Lord, I apologize...
Tech: I'm gonna whoop your *** son!
Counselor: Hey, Tech, back off. He's saying he's sorry.
Tech: Does it look like I care? Out in West Texas, we shoot first and don't even attempt to play defense later.
Counselor: Well, now you've gotten better with your defense in the last few weeks. Let's explore that.
Tech: What is there to explore? Keep it simple stupid. Score more points than the other guy. We win.
Oklahoma: How many South titles have you won there big guy?
Tech: (Grumbles...
Counselor: Oklahoma, would you like to share?
Oklahoma: I got nothin'. The only thing that I'd change about myself is, well, nothin'.
Texas: Spoken like a true narcissist.
Oklahoma: I can't believe you even know what that word means.
Texas: I know what a lot of words mean. You know, like, SCOREBOARD!
Oklahoma: You son of a...
(Texas drops its pants and moons Oklahoma...)
Counselor: Well, I think we've heard from everyone, but I think I'm missing someone. I only count eleven. Who's missing?
(Kansas pops its head into the room...)
Kansas: Hey, has anyone seen my running game?
Counselor: Kansas! There you are. Why didn't you show up for the session? The Big 12 said everyone needed to be here today.
Kansas: Yeah, I'm not big on rules'. Rules are for people that are too stupid to find their way around them.
Baylor: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Kansas: Hey, you do things the right way, and you're in the basement of the conference. I go on probation in multiple sports, commit academic fraud, and get the dreaded "Lack of Institutional Control" tag, and I get an Orange Bowl win and a national title.
Oklahoma: See, he gets it!
Counselor: I don't think we need to be promoting that kind of behavior Oklahoma...
Nebraska: Hey, can you tell me how to cheat and get away with it? I'm getting kind of desperate over here.
Missouri: Me too. Dude, you know that I, like, hate you, but could you tell me how to cheat too?
Oklahoma State: Yo, homes, me too. I'll pay cash money.
Kansas: Anyway, I just stopped by to see if anyone saw my running game. If it's not here, I gotta run. I've got tests to take for incoming recruits. If you guys want the scoop, ring me on my cell.
Oklahoma State: I'll hit you back dog.
Counselor: Okay, I think this is a good place to end this week. I don't want this going off on a bad tangent. Everyone, please don't cheat, like Kansas. Please don't let everyone score on you like Kansas State, and for God's sake, don't hire Mike Sherman. That's borderline criminal over there.
(Texas A&M urinates in its pants...)
BJ
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Fat Chips
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Along with all of the eye-candy summertime brings
(which of course we all spend a good chunk of the day monitoring), you can also see some truly horrifying sights. The other day, I saw a woman whose entire 300 pound frame was clearly convinced that she was Britney Spears and dressed accordingly. I understand that much of it has to do with the fashions of the day, but if you think that low-rider jeans are equal opportunity then you are dumber than Jessica Simpson.
I have compiled a list of terms that describe the types of fat found on most big-boned, I-only-eat-salad-
Fatty Tuna Rolls - The pinched fat on or around the hips
caused by low-rise pants in size 4 when you are really a size 12.
Skate Wings - The puckered fat hanging from the triceps, similar in texture to the eponymous fish and revealed by teeny-weeny tank tops.
Pulled Pork - The red-tinted stretch marks on one's underbelly made visible by a combination of low-rise pants and tiny tanks.
Sausage Links - The obvious similarity of obese fingers to the summer barbeque delicacy. Those afflicted should be required to wear mittens year round.
Tootsie Rolls - The somewhat utilitarian back fat often accentuated by brassieres purchased 4 years and 50 pounds ago. I have seen these large enough to provide temporary storage for things like remote controls and chicken wings.
Bone-in Rib Eye (also known as the cankle) - This phenomenon
is seen in short-wearers whose calf connects directly to the foot. No ankle.
Passion Fruit Soufflé - Sometimes when the breasts outgrow
the bra they simply spill over it like a muffin top or a rising soufflé. Too much of these is probably how you got into this whole mess anyway.
Jelly Bellies - This one should be self-explanatory.
And it's disgusting.
Amuse Course - Ever get a HUGE plate with an itsy bit of fancy food? Just like a face adrift in multiple chin and cheek fat.
Double Burger - Sometimes when the stomach extends forward
past the breasts, it can provide adequate support without requiring a bra. I bet this looks really funny upside down.
If you have any of the items on this list then get off your fat, lazy ass and get to the gym. In the meanwhile, try to shop someplace more appropriate. Like Lane Bryant.
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Toon Chips
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Replacement
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Love Hurts
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Happy Hooker
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Adult Fun
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pick-up Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Medevil Pick-up Lines
- "Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"
- "Been there, slain that."
- "What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"
- "They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."
- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."
- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."
- Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."
- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"
- "Your hovel or mine?"
- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"
- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"
- "Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."
- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."
- "You should be glad I'm not a Viking."
- "You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."
- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"
- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"
- "You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!!"
- "I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?"
- "My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it."
- "I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?"
- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."
- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."
- "C'mon, sweetie...didn'
- "I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door.
When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman
slams the door in disbelief of what a stranger has just asked her.
The same thing happens three consecutive days and the woman decides
to tells her husband.
The husband says to the wife; "Tomorrow I am not going to work and
when the man asks if you have a vagina say 'yes' and I will be hiding
behind the door."
The next day the same man comes again and when the woman opens the
door he asks, "Do you have vagina?"
"The woman says, "Yes."
"The man then responds, "Good! Then please tell your husband to stop
screwing my wife!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Upon taking a seat at the bar, the exec noticed that each stool had a
number painted on it. Sitting next to him was a rather depressed-
looking gentleman and an attractive young woman who was obviously
enjoying herself.
The newcomer turned toward the unhappy fellow and asked if he knew
the purpose of the numbers.
"Sure," the guy said. "Every half hour, the bartender spins a wheel
and whoever has the winning seat gets to go upstairs for the wild sex
orgy they have up there."
"That's terrific!" exclaimed the surprised customer. "Have you won?"
"Not yet," the man said, miserably, "but my date has, four times in a
row!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1476
The Trip to Wellville
BJ: I really have to hurry now, we lost 30 minutes back there.
Diana: I know, just do the best you can.
Rudy: Sorry guys.
Katie: Me to.
Sandi: Ah dad.
BJ: What Sandi?
Sandi: I need something.
BJ: You need to go to the bathroom?
Sandi: Well you mentioned it, not me.
BJ: $^%#!
Diana: At least you do not need to put Sandi on a leash.
A couple of minutes later and back on the road.
Rudy: Thirsty.
Katie: Hungry.
Sandi: Sleepy.
To be Cont
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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