Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
buffalo says Yesterday, across most of the country, hunters donned
orange and red clothes and headed out into the dark to be in their
secret positions by dawn for the opening of hunting season. In
Michigan hundreds of thousands of deer and bear will be harvested
helping curb crop damage, car and deer accidents, spread of diseases
like brucellosis, and allowing the remaining herd enough food to
survive the winter. It generates millions of dollars for the tourism
and
hotel industry and helps farmers through the sale of deer
feed and baits like sugar beets, carrots, turnips, and apples.
All over the state 750,000 well armed civilians, men women and
children are tucked in their beds and sleeping bags waiting for
early morning when they will load up their gear and drive to their
hunting spot. Concealed in a blind watching out over a cornfield or
a bait pile, a half hour before sunrise the shooting will start and
over half will bring home a deer during the season.
Although the use of high tech items such as laser sights and night
scopes are forbidden in the areas of clothing, transportation,
camping gear, and firearms they are every bit as well equipped as
the armed forces. ( Armor not necessary till the deer learn to
shoot back) For some it is a trip to years past as they hunt in the
same cabin used by their fathers and grandfathers with bunk beds,
outhouse, and a wood stove for heat and cooking and for others it is
custom blinds with gas heat, microwaves, TV with a dish, and cell
phones. The rules for firearms, baiting, and sex of deer that can
be taken vary from county to county. He who shoots the wrong deer
can be open to jail, fines and loss of hunting privileges for years
so one must be careful to know what they are shooting at beforehand,
unlike fishing there is no catch and release. Best of luck to those
out there hunting, and the rest enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Pregnant Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty
year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife
a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend,
the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom
assured him that it was. The banker then asked
Tom the age of his new bride to be.. Tom proudly
said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,
could see that the sexual appetite of a young
woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-
old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years
to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom
should consider getting a hired hand to help him
out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its
own course. Tom thought this was a good idea
and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom
in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the
banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had
worked out, continued, "And how's the hired
hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant,
too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Why Beer Should Be At The Bottom Of The Fridge
http://buffalosjokes.com/index.html
How to Spot A Gay Guy
http://buffalosjokes.com/11219.htm
Caught
http://buffalosjokes.com/11220.htm
My Buddy List
http://buffalosjokes.com/11226.htm
Love
http://buffalosjokes.com/11224.htm
Plane
http://buffalosjokes.com/11225.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two prisoners were having a chat. The first one said. "I've got two
tickets for the warden's ball, Do you want to buy one?" "No thanks,"
said the second guy. "I can't dance." "It's not a dance," said the
first prisoner. "It's a raffle!"
A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the
greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman
last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast."
The courtroom was pregnant with anxious silence as the judge
solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robe, drew out a cigar,
and ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. "Congratulations," he
said. "You have just become a father."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sword Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?"
"Yesterday I've bought your sword..."
"Congratulations, sir, you've made the right choice!"
"It doesn't work."
"What does it mean - doesn't work?"
"It doesn't cut the dragon's head."
"Have you read the manual, sir?"
"A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour- bearer
has read it for me aloud twice."
"Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?"
"Yes."
"Is that really so? Check it again, please."
"I've done it, I say to you!" "
Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness."
"Ough!"
"You shouldn't do it with your finger, sir."
"What thinger? I've done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp
flavour of my dishes like that."
"You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your
dinner dishes. The term 'sharp' means here..."
"I'm not obliged to know you technical terms! I'm a user, not a
hardware specialist. You'd better answer why doesn't it work!"
"Did it work before?"
"I don't know, I've bought it only yesterday!" "Okay, sir. Have you
done anything with it?"
"No!"
"Are you sure?"
"Well, I only took it out of the sheath."
"Did you try to grind it yourself?"
"What for?"
"You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?"
"No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!"
"Maybe it's the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your
holy water?"
"I've downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!"
"I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black
magic nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword."
"What sources?! I'm in the desert!"
"Don't be so nervous, sir."
"I'm not nervous!"
"Then why do you pant?"
"Because the dragon is chasing me!"
"Oh, so the dragon is near you?"
"Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!"
"Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver."
"And what if he bites my arm off?"
"Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence."
"Next time I'll buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!"
"Well... okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks."
"Well, he is such... yellow... with a red moustache..."
"It's clear now. You should begin with it. It's a non-licensed
dragon, a Chinese counterfeit."
"And?"
"Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesn't guarantee any
compatibility with non-certified devices."
"And what shall I do?"
"Don't use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir."
"Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No!
Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!!..."
"Sir? Sir, are you okay?... Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks
you for your business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Men Chips
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If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five
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A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.
Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the
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Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
Intercourse prevents divorce.
Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of
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Sex eliminates headaches.
Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard",
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Wedding Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wedding Telegrams..................
The Bureau of Meteorology forcasts rainstorms so the bride can
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Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never
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Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in
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Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and
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Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and
She'll last for many years.
Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone
to the woman next door.
Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.
If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
Go for it mate. We all did!
All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.
She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was
on her and off her.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an
Off-Spring next Spring.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass,
One long hard route.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you
Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Travel Agency to Bride:
The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I
express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation
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Football coach to bride:
If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him
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Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
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BMSPT Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brokeback Mountain Sexual Preference Test:
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you
are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the
boys
and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups,
aerobics,
and doing the Oprah diet...the sugar is over-flowing from your
tank!
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a
dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
"Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now
think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy,
Snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any
such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man
only
sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish heads
pickled pigs feet, and tits & pussy.. Anything else and you are
in
training to suck El Dicko and are undeniably extremely light in
the loafers.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. The world
is
a real mans bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he
pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, then obviously you
like a high
hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black,
with full
aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf
Café" or
"Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial
sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth,
you've had a man's swizzle-stick there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different
types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes
to
your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to
remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the
players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and
NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what
"fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the
wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The
rest
of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat
a
hamburger, hold his cocktail, or digitize his honey's sweet spot
in the
passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere,
vous c'est le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to
watch
one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man.
Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man
is
likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion),
which
is what happens to horn-blowers when they flame out too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Subscribers and Friends
Second Time Around
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THE THIRD MAN
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TV RSS Feeds
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Read Books Online
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
PNG Site Map
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Free Perl Scripts
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Javascript Examples
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Patton
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Pepsi
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Perfect Husband
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor
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abnormalities."
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fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
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about in the first place."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Herman
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National Etiquette
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Old Acquaintance
http://buffalosjokes.com/12114.htm
New Year
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night
______________________________________
Little Willie Winkle with a thirst for gore
stapled his sister to the door,
"Now Williem" his mother
said with humor quaint,
"Don't do that, you'll scratch the paint"
______________________________________
A peach is a peach A plum is a plum
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue
So open your mouth
Close your eyes and
Give your exercise your tongue!
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys were out playing golf. They tee off and one
drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The first guy finds his ball in a patch of buttercups.
He grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.
He hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process he
hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks
his path to his ball and looks at him and says, "I'm Mother Nature,
and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you
won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter
you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The
woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the guy calls out to his buddy. "Hey, where's
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"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The first guy screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!
DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Years ago when I sometimes used unsavory language, I often used the
expression "Bull s___". As I grew up a bit and discovered it was
not necessary to use such crude language, that expression became
"BS".
Q. What did I really mean when I used those expressions?
A. I meant that something was ridiculous, or idiotic or a half
truth, or just stupid. It covered any number of negative formats.
The dictionary defines it as: nonsense; especially: foolish insolent
talk, etc.
I have decided that I no longer will use either of those expressions
in the future.
When I have the need to express those feelings, I will use the word
"Pelosi". Let me use it in a sentence: "That is just a bunch of
'Pelosi'".
I encourage you to do the same. It is such a good word. It really
packs a lot of punch. We are no longer being vulgar. But it clearly
expresses our feelings. If enough of us use it, possibly we can get
the word in the dictionary. And that would be a fitting legacy for
the current Speaker of the House.
PASS IT ON
Patricia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1469
The Business Section
Diana: They have a business section in the paper today.
BJ: What does it say?
Diana: Dog biscuits are down 20%, Cat Liter is up 12%, trading
is heavy on the Pig Ears market.
BJ: Odd.
Diana: It says that KSR Enterprises stocks may split at years end
and
that earnings are up 27%.
BJ: Anything else?
Diana: Oh they have some photos of the corporate heads of KSR,
Katie, Sandi, Rudy, Gus, Horace, Cleo, Mark and Pearl.
BJ: Amazing group, dogs, cats, guinea hen and a wild turkey.
Diana: Oh and it says that Sandi will continue to dig in the back
yard
looking for oil.
The Herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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