Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
buffalo says Today is the Marine Corps 233rd birthday and the
following
is the Commandant's Birthday Message.
General James T Conway's Birthday Message
1. SINCE THE BIRTH OF OUR NATION, OUR LIBERTY HAS BEEN PURCHASED BY
VALIANT MEN AND WOMEN OF DEEP CONVICTION, GREAT COURAGE, AND BOLD
ACTION; THE COST HAS OFTEN BEEN IN BLOOD AND TREMENDOUS SACRIFICE.
AS AMERICAS SENTINELS OF FREEDOM, UNITED STATES MARINES ARE COUNTED
AMONG THE FINEST LEGIONS IN THE CHRONICLES OF WAR. SINCE 1775,
MARINES HAVE MARCHED BOLDLY TO THE SOUNDS OF THE GUNS AND HAVE
FOUGHT FIERCELY AND HONORABLY TO DEFEAT THE SCOURGE OF TYRANNY AND
TERROR. WE ARE MARINES - THAT IS WHAT WE DO.
2. IN THE WORDS OF PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY: "IN THE LONG HISTORY
OF THE WORLD, ONLY A FEW GENERATIONS HAVE BEEN GRANTED THE ROLE OF
DEFENDING FREEDOM IN ITS HOUR OF MAXIMUM DANGER." MAGNIFICENT HEROES
FOUGHT IN THE WHEAT FIELDS OF BELLEAU WOOD, IN THE SNOWS OF THE
CHOSIN, AND ON THE STREETS OF HUE CITY. YOUR GENERATION BEARS THIS
OBLIGATION NOW, AND IT IS BORNE ON MIGHTY AND CAPABLE SHOULDERS.
JUST LIKE THE MARINES AT BELLEAU WOOD - WE ARE ONCE AGAIN ENGAGED IN
SUSTAINED OPERATIONS ASHORE. JUST LIKE AT BELLEAU WOOD - THE MARINES
HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE TOUGHEST SECTOR AND HAVE PREVAILED OVER A
RESILIENT AND DETERMINED ENEMY - WHO HAS MADE US PAY FOR OUR GAINS.
ONCE AGAIN, AS IN ANY STRUGGLE, THE ROAD AHEAD IS FAR FROM CERTAIN,
BUT AS MARINES, WE ARE NOT DISSUADED BY THE CHALLENGES OF WAR OR THE
TOUGH CONDITIONS OF A WARRIOR'S LIFE.
INDEED, WE DON'T JUST ACCEPT OUR DESTINY - WE SHAPE IT.
3. ON OUR 232ND BIRTHDAY, TO EVERY MARINE - THOSE STILL IN UNIFORM
AND THOSE WHO HAVE SERVED HONORABLY IN THE PAST - BE PROUD OF WHO
YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU DO. KNOW THAT YOUR CITIZENSHIP DUES HAVE BEEN
PAID IN FULL; YOU ARE PART OF THIS NATION'S ELITE WARRIOR CLASS.
CHERISH OUR FAMILIES WHO OFFER MARVELOUS SUPPORT, ABIDING RESOLVE,
AND STEADFAST PATIENCE. REMEMBER THOSE WHO HAVE SERVED AND THOSE WHO
HAVE FALLEN - THEIR NAMES ARE CHISELED ON THE ROLL CALL OF AMERICA'S
HEROES. THOSE WHO HAVE CARRIED THE BATTLE COLORS OF OUR CORPS HAVE
FORGED OUR HERITAGE, AND TODAY'S GENERATION OF LEATHERNECKS CHART
OUR FUTURE. CARRY THE COLORS WITH PRIDE; CARRY THEM WITH HONOR.
4. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARINES! SEMPER FIDELIS, JAMES T. CONWAY,
GENERAL, U.S. MARINE CORPS, COMMANDANT OF THE MARINE CORPS
Sorry for the capitals but this was the message as sent.
Congratulations to the Lions on extending their no win streak even
with a new quarterback, maybe they will find one in the first round
of the
draft and have a winning team in the next 50 years.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Alaska Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tim and Nancy lived in Wasilla , Alaska. Right downtown. Their house
was literally right downtown. But they had no indoor plumbing. They
did, however, have an outhouse. The older Tim got, though, the
further away it seemed to get.
One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to
just relieve himself right there off the front porch.
Nancy was pretty pissed about his decision. "Tim, you moron. Our
neighbours can see you when you do that, you know."
"It's dark out" said Tim, "they can't see me"
"Of course they can" explained Nancy, "you're silhouetted against
the porch light and they can tell what you're doing"
He'd not given it THAT much thought, so he promised his wife he'd
not do it again.
Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in
the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up,
put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his
business.
He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as
wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."
"That's right."
"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did."
"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbours can see you.
They'll know it was you and what you were doing out there. Aren't
you the least bit embarrassed?
"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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American Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are You American?
1. You decide that the relationship with your
partner is over. How do you break the news you
are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and
slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your
partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a
rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national
television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game
of football in the park. Whatdo you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) Ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body
armour, 20 cheerleaders a marching sousaphone
band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team
of orthapaedic surgeons specialising in spinal
injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when
you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you
do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is,
taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still
alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car
and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing
empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4.You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck
after sleeping in an awkward position. What do
you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as
the day progresses.
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with
things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV
evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig,
who will lay his hands on your head, whilst
screaming about the devil in front of an
audience of gibbering inbreeds.
5. What do you have for breakfast
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and
a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup
of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce
steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen
pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five
corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the
plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do
you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a
registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional
reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour
drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over
by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a
difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and
reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved
in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal
of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to
slaughter a small town.
8. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your
toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it
doesn't happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an
uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.
9. There is a war in another part of the world,
do you:
(a) Monitor to see if Human rights are being
infringed and step in when necessary
(b) Monitor to see if Human rights are being
infringed and bring the culprits to justice
(c) Invade the country flattening all buildings,
fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing
people no matter which side they're on after all,
a kill is a kill.
10. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist
attack you should:
(a) Treat victims, clean up and find those
responsible
(b) Treat victims, clean up and find those
responsible and bring them to justice
(c) Treat victims, clean up and find those
responsible, but continue to support and fund
terrorist activities abroad.
11. You're on holiday abroad, do you:
(a) Enjoy the local culture and food
(b) Enjoy the local culture and food but look
forward to getting home
(c) Complain and whine that the country that
you are visiting is nothing like home.
12. There is a popular Black leader in your
country. What do you do?
(a) Welcome him with open arms
(b) Listen to what he has to say
(c) Assassinate him.
Answers...
If you answered mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you
are a normal well balanced individual..
If you answered mostly c's then sorry, you are
an American.
buffalo says before you say anything this joke is 10 years old
and they are referring to MLK
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Alumni Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a somewhat enforced term of government employment at a very
unacceptable. but non negotiable, salary, I decided to pursue a
college degree to improve any future financial rewards available for
the use my personal services. After discharge from my Uncle Sam's
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screwing me over for the past few years and reluctantly agreed to
help fund my matriculation at a local college. I graduated from the
school, with luck and a definite degree of sacrifice Trying to
balance study, partying, many part time jobs, partying, standing in
line trying to justify my right to claim unemployment dollars as I
could not find anyone looking to hire a 50 caliber machine gun
operator. partying, plus my social service volunteer work, helping
available nubile female students pass their human sexuality classes,
and imbibing at parties, it was amazing that I survived. I really
never felt any allegiance to the school itself. Once I was outta
that particular pile of bricks, I harbored no particular desire to
ever contribute to their latest fund drive, join any alumni
associations or attend any athletic events. But sure enough, a few
years later, someone in the Alumni Affairs staff called my parents,
and tracked down my current phone number and called. "So, what have
you been doing with yourself?" the perky alumnus inquired. I
responded, "Oh, not a lot. Just hot wiring and stealing cars,
running a little moonshine on the side, when I'm not running a few
hookers ." Needless to say, I haven't heard from them again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Name Chips
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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so
they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down
to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to
give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the
one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying
on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.
The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine
the answer with the information we were given."
The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed
down to two names. It's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer"
.... HE GOT THE JOB
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Kodak Chips
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with
her mother, eating a Twinkie, and anxiously
awaiting her first haircut.
When her turn comes, she brings her Twinkie
with her to the chair, and the barber covers
her. Soon, she pulls the Twinkie out for a bite.
"You're getting hair on your Twinkie," the
barber playfully warns.
"Yes, I know," she replies. "And I'm getting
boobs, too."
~~~~~
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Drugs are for people who can't handle reality.
~~~~
Make a noise like a frog
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on
your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she
says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like
a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa
can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please
please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart,
why do you want me to make a sound like a
frog?"
The little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said
that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
~~~
Consciousness: that annoying time
between naps.
~~~~
Who ate the cookies ?
"Peter!" his mother scolded "There were two
cookies in the pantry this morning but now
there's only one! Do you have an explanation?
Peter replied "It must have been too dark and
I didn't see the other one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa's Letters
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
--------
Dear Sarah,You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa,I've written you for three years now asking for a fire
truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love,
Joey
--------
Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm
gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll
know
what to do with. Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what
you
can do. Love, Teddy
--------
Dear Teddy, What-and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having
with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a
hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa,I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
left
carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan
--------
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart
in
my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal
and some Toblerone. Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa,What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
--------
Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and
losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
--------
Dear Jessica, Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do,
I'm skipping your house... Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please please PLEASE
could I have one? Love, Timmy
--------
Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that
crap don't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Can't Be Done
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time the lamb got out,
The dog would try to .....
Put it back into the bucket!
There was a old man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tuffs of grass
Shot out of his ass
And his cock was covered in weeds.
____________
There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
____________
Ross
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a
pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again
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we
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she
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you in making the decision?" "She has," says the man. "And what is
it?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Doctor, I've got this problem," a man says. "My secretary,
she loves to give blow jobs.
Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a
quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the
end of the day, she really works me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac,
"I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick
half
hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session
each night before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Fix It works on any car, in any color with just 3 easy steps.
Apply Fix It, buff it into the scratch or scuff, and then just wipe
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Each package also includes the finishing kit, with a hand-held power
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Additional Ordering Details:
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1463
The Rag
BJ: Okay hand me the paper Katie.
Katie: That will be 50 cents please.
BJ: Grrr, Okay here.
Let's see...Hmm headlines. Katie Kassity releases new Banjo CD.
Next article, Katie discusses the rights of dogs versus the rights
of
bi-peds. Katie Kassity discusses how to improve your image for
only 19.95 send checks and money orders to....
It seems like this newspaper edition is one big advertisement for
products Katerine.
Katie: So? If I sell some CDs, sell some self-help manuals, it
will
be good for everyone.
BJ: A newspaper is supposed to be informative.
Katie: It is very informative. It informs me about my money.
Check
page six about the stock market, KSR Enterprises is doing quite
well.
BJ: Hmm, yes I see it is. Hey the newspaper is dissolving.
Katie: That is because you only paid me 50 cents. If you paid me
one
dollar you would have had the permanent edition.
BJ: Why you little scoundrel.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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