Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
First let me extend my condolences to Senator Obama and
his family on the death of his grandmother. Few of us get to
choose our son's or daughter's mates and when the other
parent disappears from the scene many of us are called upon
to step up and help raise our grandchildren and give them the
same love we gave our own. Eva's dad's loss has been my
gain and it is something he will never have.
In just a few hours the polls will open here and although most of
you know I am a conservative I will not try to influence your vote.
I only ask that if you are registered that you make every possible
effort to go vote. If your candidate loses, and probably about half
will experience being on the losing side, at least you will be able
to say I told you so for the next four years. Believe me you will
get
the chance because as soon as they are in Washington the
honeymoon is over and soon they will be under the scrutiny of
every newspaper, blog, talk radio, and tv show on the air and I
will be here passing on the jokes about them. Face it I can't
lose no matter who wins as far as this ezine is concerned. So
get out and vote and then enjoy some chips at least for about
30 months till this starts again.
buffalo
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Marine Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Taliban soldiers"
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they
hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better
than ten taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his
best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and
continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred
taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After
10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand
Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand
fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine
gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and
with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men,
its a trap. There's actually two of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Real World
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sign Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted on Hannity.com: Tuesday October 26, 2004 11:43pm
Post subject: True story: democrat stealing Bush sign
True story: Last Thursday I put out one of my Bush/Cheney signs in
my front
yard. Between midnight and 3:00 a.m. someone stole it. On Friday
night I put
out sign No. 2. Since I didn't have to get up early, I thought my
dog and I
would "stake out" our sign. This time I put the sign a little closer
to the
gate leading to my backyard.
With my dog on an extra long leash, I planted myself on a lawn chair
and
read "Unfit for Command" by flashlight until about 1:00 a.m. Here
comes the
fun part . . . I noticed that the car coming down the street was
slowing
down and pulling over to the curb right next to my yard. Sure
enough, he
gets out of his car and heads right for my sign. Just as he was
about to
uproot and desecrate it, I opened my gate and let my dog make the
initial
introduction!
As he ran to hide behind the rear end of his car, I promptly moved
to the
driver-side door, which was still open. It was a fairly nice car
with power
everything and still running. While my dog continued to "introduce"
herself,
I rolled up the window and hit the power door lock button. With
that, I
slammed the door, grabbed my Bush sign and headed into the back
yard.
And now for the "rest of the story." About 40 minutes later, I heard
a knock
at the door. I opened the door to one of our city's finest, the
Vancouver
Police Department (neighbors had called about all of the noise). The
officer
asked me what was going on and when I told him, he could not stop
laughing!
I followed him out to the perp's car and stood there while he asked
the guy
a few more questions. Upon learning that the guy lived a couple of
streets
down, I -- knowing what was about to happen -- asked him, "Why do
you have
Oregon plates on your car if you live just down the street (here in
Vancouver, Wash.)?" Oregon has no sales tax, so often Washington
residents
will buy and register cars in Oregon to avoid paying sales tax . . .
it's a
crime and the fine is pretty stiff.
Here comes the best part. . . . The look on this guy's face told me
he knew
he was about to get busted. When the officer asked for his license
and
registration, the "Democrat" mumbled that (his license) was
suspended. Just
for kicks and giggles I asked the officer if he smelled any alcohol
coming
from the guy! The officer looked at me, smiled and promptly gave him
a field
breathalyzer test.
Guess what? You got it, he blew a .10, legally drunk in the state of
Washington. DUI, illegal registration and the brand of "MORON," all
'cause
he hates Bush!
Cost of Bush signs: $5.95 each
Cost of Flashlight batteries: $3.95/Pack
Seeing a Leftwing Numbnut carted off to the hoosegow: Priceless!
Dianne
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pick-up Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.
You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.
Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you
wearing a bra?
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by
again?
You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see
myself in your pants.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against
me?
How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing
that pops up.
I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?
Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.
If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing
you.
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to
introduce myself.
The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread
the word.
Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in
you?
The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.
Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it
later on tonight.
I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing
you're wearing.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
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Bad Luck Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you.
You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't
understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you. In 1957 I
bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber
cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and
five razorback hogs all on credit. In 1960 the sawmill burned down.
One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who
starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung
for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and
I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a
relative of mine. In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on
him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I
went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish
you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one). In
1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three
small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down
expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me
to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get
aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we
were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the
trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the
best damn milk cow I ever had. The next year my troubles really
started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his
ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my
best bull. In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own.
I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a
swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan.
The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a
whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted
like shit so I couldn't sell it. So now, gentlemen, you say if I do
not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two
cents to shit, I'd have to puke. Getting money out of me would be
like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but
you are welcome to try. Yours for more credit, Max
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quitting smoking
Jim replies, "Sorry Bill, I have to go to the drug store
To pick up a 'patch' subscription for my wife. She's
Quitting smoking today."
"Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bill said.
"Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Jim, "I
Told her to let me know any time she has an urge to put Something in
her mouth to suck on."
============
I'm the greatest hitter in the world
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he
Strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap
And toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in
The world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and
Missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the
Ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the
World!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he
Swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball Carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his
cap and said once more, "I'm the Greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.
He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm also the greatest pitcher in
The world!"
============
Octogenarian
Pauly and Maury were in the neighborhood bar... Again...
And Maury remarked that Old Jim had just told him that
He was now an octogenarian.
"What's an octogenarian?
"I dunno," said Maury, "but they must be pretty healthy
People. Every one of 'em I've ever heard of is eighty
Years old or more."
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Chips Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow was travelling on a bus when he got a horrible cramp low in
his bowel. Since there was an "Out of Order" sign on the door of the
small restroom at the rear of the bus, he went to the driver and
explained that he was close to having an urgent situation to deal
with.
The driver glared at the fellow, and with a growl, told him he'd
just have to go sit down and hold it, that he wasn't stopping and it
would only be a few minutes before they reached the station.
After a few seconds of hesitation, he 'tightened his grip on things'
and made his way carefully back to his seat.
Minutes later, when the bus pulled into the station, the guy elbowed
his way off the bus and made a mad dash to the men's room. He
slammed the door to the bathroom stall and there was an instant loud
sound of gas and pooping.
A man in the next stall sympathized, "My gosh, you really had to go,
didn't you!"
The fellow replied, "Man, you think that's something, just wait
until I get my pants down!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Today's Recipe Via Juanita
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Laughing Song Via Carol
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Patterned Lines
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Master-Dunc.
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Sinowal Password Stealing Trojan
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pizza Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Todd was delivering a pizza in New York. He got
out of his car, went to the door, and was greeted
by a attractive young Jill with orange hair.
Instead of wanting to pay, Jill suggested that
they have sex in exchange for the pizza.
Todd politely declined.
That didn't stop old Orange Hair, though. She
started touching Todd, running her hands over him
while she tried to talk him into having sex with
her. Finally, Jill grabbed his crotch.
So, Todd backed away and started back down to the
walk to his car.
She was all over him.
He broke into a run and climbed back into his
delivery car. Started to pull away. Forgot he
had the back window down, though.
Jill was climbing in the car.
She got her hands all over him again, touching,
fondling, grabbing his crotch again.
What saved him was a neighbour, Phil who happened
to be looking out the window. He saw the whole
thing and called the police - - who eventually
arrived and broke it all up.
Oh, and why was Phil looking out the window? He
was waiting for a pizza to be delivered. Todd
had gone to the wrong house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
There was a young porter
Who saw more than he orter,
And asked her to do it again.
Hickory dickory dock
some girl was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I shot my goo
And dumped the bitch on the next block.
A plumber whose name was Ten Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And Ten Brink petered out
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marg: "My first ex was so incredibly stupid."
Cindy: "How so?"
Marg: "When I told him I was pregnant, he went to the store and
bought me an EPT."
Cindy: "Why would he get you a pregnancy test when you'd already
told him you were pregnant?"
Marg: "He didn't want to get "trapped" into marriage; he thought
EPT meant Early Paternity Test.
------------
The farmer stood in his chicken yard watching
hundreds of baby chicks running here and there. He
kept pointing to them and trying to count them. "One, two, three,
four,
five, six, oh, no..."
Then he would start over, "one, two, three, four, and,... oh,
no."
Then he'd start over again.
Finally he said, "I give up. They say don't count your chickens
before they hatch but it sure is easier to do that than it is to
count
them after they hatch."
------------
An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked
woman,
watching the news from San Francisco. "Jus' look at them
homo-sexshuals. They're ruining the country. with men marryin' men,
and
women marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta' go out
there
and protest! Don't you think so?"
She replied, "Yes, Daddy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Amish Bumper Stickers
10. I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you AND I got traffic
backed up for 5 miles.
9. Born to raise barns.
8. My other buggy is a Mercedes.
7. Eat my dust, but don't step in my exhaust.
6. Don't blame me--I didn't vote for him or anyone else!
5. I pray for higher gas prices.
4. I brake for barn raisings.
3. When the Amish are outlawed, only outlaws will be Amish!
2. No...I am not Harrison Ford.
1. If this buggy is swayin'...I'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1458
The Morning After the Day Before
BJ: Did you hear something Diana?
Diana: I am not certain. It might be the water pipes making that
groaning noise that they do.
BJ: I will go check.
Diana: Okay then get back to bed. I am really tired.
BJ walks downstairs to the den...the TV is on and the dogs are
stretched
out on the floor. Empty pizza boxes liter the floor, food wrappers
also
liter the floor. Swollen bellies testify to the previous nights
activities.
Rudy: Ohhh, I am so miserable...
Sandi: Help, I need to move.
Katie: I do not want to see any more food.
Rudy: What can we do?
BJ: I suggest you three go outside and attend to business.
Katie: Business, I cannot even move.
BJ: Either go outside or I will fix you guys some breakfast.
Rudy: I am going. Just do not mention food.
Sandi: That was cruel, I am going also.
Katie: I will be the first at the door father.
BJ: Hurry up and come back in, you guys will need to sleep this
off.
A-rooo!!!!
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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