Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
30. Dick Clark, Mark Twain, Marilyn From Ohio, Sandra Brabant
Is Marilyn from Ohio a subscriber? It made interesting office fodder trying
to figure out who she was. Also how is Lorraine from LabLaughs doing?
Thanks for keeping the humor going!
Shawn Monger
buffalo says Yes I do include the names of herd members both living and dead
in the birthday list each month. The scuttlebutt readers were offered
several chances to join our birthday list and though not famous they mean
more to me than most of the stars listed, even though I am a real Mark Twain
fan.
Actually you are the fifth person who has asked me about Lorraine this week.
My jokes must be really bad. Lorraine was having severe accessibility
issues after her last flare-up of MS but I think if there was any way that
she could get online she would still be publishing. I strongly suspect that
living on a disability check with two teenagers, that she got to the point
that she could no longer keep writing even with the help readers. I would
call her but unfortunately her number is on my other computer which died.
Enjoy the chips and have a great weekend... Buffalo
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Chinese Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since
he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and
he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the
woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man
can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he
sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone
is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a
beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints
his eyes and says, "What do you want?"
The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks
and haven't had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I
would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep
in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one
condition: You cannot mess around with my
granddaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying,
"I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my
way tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch
you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture
tests ever known to man."
"OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house.
Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would
live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after
showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughter is.
She is an absolute pearl, and while he has only been
lost three weeks, it has been many, many months without
companionship. And the girl has only seen the
occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they
both can't keep their eyes off each other throughout
the meal.
That night, the man sneaks into the girl's bedroom and
they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a
minimum. The man creeps back to his room later that
night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests
would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy
weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is
this huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign
saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your
chest."
"What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself
as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens
the shutter and throws the rock out. On the backside of
the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese
torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."
The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to
be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.
Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst
Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marg: "My first ex was so incredibly stupid."
Cindy: "How so?"
Marg: "When I told him I was pregnant, he went to the store and bought me an
EPT."
Cindy: "Why would he get you a pregnancy test when you'd already told him
you were pregnant?"
Marg: "He didn't want to get "trapped" into marriage; he thought EPT meant
Early Paternity Test.
-------------------------------
The farmer stood in his chicken yard watching hundreds of baby chicks
running here and there. He kept pointing to them and trying to count them.
"One, two, three, four, five, six, oh, no..."
Then he would start over, "one, two, three, four, and,... oh, no."
Then he'd start over again.
Finally he said, "I give up. They say don't count your chickens before they
hatch but it sure is easier to do that than it is to count them after they
hatch."
---------------------------
An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman,
watching the news from San Francisco. "Jus' look at them homo-sexshuals.
They're ruining the country. with men marryin' men, and women marryin'
women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta' go out there and protest!
Don't you think so?"
She replied, "Yes, Daddy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Pizza Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Todd was delivering a pizza in New York. He got
out of his car, went to the door, and was greeted
by a attractive young Jill with orange hair.
Instead of wanting to pay, Jill suggested that
they have sex in exchange for the pizza.
Todd politely declined.
That didn't stop old Orange Hair, though. She
started touching Todd, running her hands over him
while she tried to talk him into having sex with
her. Finally, Jill grabbed his crotch.
So, Todd backed away and started back down to the
walk to his car.
She was all over him.
He broke into a run and climbed back into his
delivery car. Started to pull away. Forgot he
had the back window down, though.
Jill was climbing in the car.
She got her hands all over him again, touching,
fondling, grabbing his crotch again.
What saved him was a neighbour, Phil who happened
to be looking out the window. He saw the whole
thing and called the police - - who eventually
arrived and broke it all up.
Oh, and why was Phil looking out the window? He
was waiting for a pizza to be delivered. Todd
had gone to the wrong house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Political Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bored of the same old two-party system? Check out these actual
political parties that exist or existed.
THE RHINOCEROS PARTY - This Canadian Party existed with a very
unusual platform. It included: repealing the law of gravity,
paving the province of Manitoba to create the world's largest
parking lot, providing higher education by building taller schools,
instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three
official languages, making bubble gum the national currency,
putting the national debt on Visa, counting the Thousand Islands
to make sure none were missing, and banning lousy Canadian winters.
BEER LOVERS PARTY - This post-Soviet assembly was founded in 1993
in the state of Belarus. Among its major goals was the push for
the cleanness and quality of the national brew. Its logo was a
cartoon of a drunken hedgehog. The party was liquidated in 1998.
THE ABSOLUTELY ABSURD PARTY is another Canadian joke party which
advocates the following: Lowering the voting age to 14 (Because,
after all, when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?),
changing the rules in federal elections so that the candidate in
last place becomes the elected official, raffling off Senate seats
as a fundraising mechanism, and replacing the Department of Defense
with a crack elite squad of Rock/Paper/Scissors commandos.
THE UNION OF CONSCIENTIOUSLY WORK-SHY ELEMENTS was an unusually
successful frivolous political party founded by comedian Jacob
Haugaard in Denmark in 1979. Haugaard eventually won a seat in the
Danish Parliament by making the following campaign promises: Tail
winds on all bicycle paths, better weather, better Christmas
presents, more pieces of Renaissance furniture in Ikea, Nutella in
Army field rations, more bread for ducks in the park, and free beer
and sausages, funded by his state party funding, served to his
voters in the public park in Aarhus after each election. (The last
three were actually fulfilled during his term in office.)
THE HUNGARIAN DOUBLE-TAILED DOG PARTY is a joke political party
that was founded in 2004. All of the candidates are named Istvan
Nagy, two very common first and last names in Hungary. While not
an officially registered party, it nevertheless made the following
promises in the 2006 elections: Eternal life, world peace, one-day
work weeks, two sunsets a day, smaller gravitation, free beer and
low taxes.
THE McGILLICUDDY SERIOUS PARTY is a joke party in New Zealand that
promotes the following: Replacing the Royal New Zealand Armoured
Corps with mounted knights, replacing money with chocolate fish as
legal tender, using beer as a national defense strategy by leaving
many bottles on all beaches so any invading army would abandon its
attack and get drunk instead, restricting the vote to only those
under 18 (with actual campaign ads run during children's
programming), votes for trees (as New Zealanders have a reputation
as environmentalists), air bags for the New Zealand Stock Exchange
(in case of a crash), good weather (but only if the voters behave),
job creation by carpeting the nations highways, and the sending-out
of intelligence agents around the world to wipe New Zealand off
published maps so no one could invade the country.
THE DONALD DUCK PARTY is a Swedish joke political party that
received write-in votes before it even existed. Capitalizing on
its popularity, one man, Bosse Person, registered it. He is its
only member. In 1991, the party received 1,535 write in votes by
promoting a platform which advocated free liquor and wider
sidewalks.
THE HAPPENING HAPPY HIPPY PARTY was a spoof political party that
was really more a Web site and "e-zine" that ran in the late '90's
and early '00's. It promoted easing the burden on Britain's
National Health Service by making accidents illegal and improving
Britain's climate by towing the island 200 miles south.
THE MARIJUANA PARTY actually exists and is a current US political
party that runs candidates who - you guessed it - work tirelessly
toward the legalization of marijuana!
THE YOUTH INTERNATIONAL PARTY was a highly theatrical and anti-
authoritarian political party that existed in the US in the 60's.
Its members were called "Yippies." Better known for street theatre
and politically themed pranks that mocked the status quo (such as
running a pig as its candidate in the 1968 Election and throwing
money out to the crowd at the New York Stock Exchange), this
socialist countercultural organization was amusingly dubbed the
"Groucho Marxists."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Jewish Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible
financial sacrifice beyond comprehension,
that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son
Jacob Adam
is called to
the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.
Saturday, May 12th - (yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880
at the ungodly hour of 9:00 am even though you don't really need to be
there until 10:20am to catch the real action.
If you make it through the 3 hour service, please skip the kiddush (its
just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly
large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal, which
starts at 7:00 PM,
(not 8:00 PM.. or you will miss out on the 2000 canapes).
Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and
you would not believe the initiation fees)
You will be in the presence of lots of
boisterous and expensive entertainment
and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats,
fake bling and brand new white ankle socks...
as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees,
most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL
bling, and most "tootsed" to the nines. At least 1/3 will be hormonally
challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will
not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food.
Blah Blah Blah.
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending,
or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show. Please
RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I
can't take the stress.
The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account
number. "Off the top of your head" gifts
and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.
Hope you can make it! Lisa and David Miller
Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond
BYO yarmulke. I don't have the strength.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Farewell Little Sister
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Grandbabies
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Consequences
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Lest We Forget 2!
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Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
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especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
because I think it's just the right thing to do.
Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
going to believe this...First off, thank you so much for taking a
minute to read this, my name is Justin Blake, and I'm a millionaire
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and if you're interested in knowing what it is then read below, but
you'll need to hurry because you may only have a few minutes to take
advantage of this:
As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
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morning.....so you need to get your copy today if you want one.
Press here to get your copy:
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Warning Lable Generator
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Free Administration System for Animal Shelters Via Wesley
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USA And VET Animations
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man! NO ONE BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME!!!
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Doggie Zone
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Kitty Korner
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Movie Links
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Niggar Family
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Nissan Pathfinder
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Not a morning person
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Not Just A Human Problem
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Both Ways Barack
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Bowl
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Boxing Match
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Brownies
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Camera 21
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pick-up Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.
You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.
Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you
wearing a bra?
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by
again?
You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see
myself in your pants.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against
me?
How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing
that pops up.
I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?
Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.
If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing
you.
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to
introduce myself.
The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread
the word.
Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in
you?
The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.
Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it
later on tonight.
I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing
you're wearing.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
blonde bull
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blonde chocolate
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blonde science
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blonde swing
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blonde upside
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blonde Washing
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
There was a young porter
Who saw more than he orter,
And asked her to do it again.
Hickory dickory dock
some girl was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I shot my goo
And dumped the bitch on the next block.
A plumber whose name was Ten Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And Ten Brink petered out
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
?
Little Johnny was visiting a cousin of his in New York during the winter. He
and his cousin went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his
aunt called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Little Johnny's aunt was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's
hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in
from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he
replied "yes". She then put them together and stuck them between her warm
thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little
boy said "yes". Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn. His
aunt then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So
she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs.
After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said
"yes". So she took them out.
Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When his
aunt asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at
her and replied "my peter is frozen stiff!"
?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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