Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
How about a little Navy story from the archives
A lot of times in the Navy your watch hours and the messdeck
hours don't line up and you don't want to do 6 hours with an
empty stomach or have to wake up in the middle of your 6 hours
off to go grab a meal.
I used to buy a bunch of those little cans of beans and weenies,
scalloped potatoes etc. and stash them onboard in case I woke
up late and couldn't get to the messdecks. I was standing checkman
watch in 2 main and I would take the aluminum cans and crack
them open and then set them on top of the gage glass at about
700 degrees for a few minutes and they would be steaming hot
and ready to eat. All went well until I put a can of beans up there
without cracking the seal. I remembered it about 5 minutes later
and it felt hot but not overly swollen so I figured I could just
crack
the seal and let the pressure out slowly. It seemed like a good
idea until this needle sized stream of superheated beans came
out and hit me. I dropped the can which started spinning like
Hero's turbine on the deck grating and I retreated about ten feet as
it danced across the floor. When it finally stopped moving I picked
up the
can and there was about a quarter-inch of beans in the bottom with
two
slices of hot dog. The rest of it was in a fine spray all over evey
lagged
white line from the deck gratings up to the overhead, the worse
being on the soot blower piping.
At that moment the chief walked up behind me from the access
ladder as I was surveying the damage with the can in my hand.
He said," Forgot to open the can before you heated it didn't you."
I nodded and he said," Get it cleaned up." I spent the next two
watches with cans of cleanser and a sponge scrubbing lines.
Enjoy the chips ... buffalo
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Pregnant Chips
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Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins
while using birth control?
A. A misconception.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly
when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labour-saving device.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm
pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a
size 34-Long.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine
a baby's sex?
A.Childbirth.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is
A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type
AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our
baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom
should I contact about this?
A.Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has
a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant,
my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a
fat lip.
Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and
even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets
smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes,your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without
onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're
doing with them.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant
woman and a Playboy centrefold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows
what's good for him.
Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth
month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll
feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might
be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything
to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,
who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses,
orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists,
etc.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but
the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering
from childbirth?
A.Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be
circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to re-
think her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling
them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the gasp reflex?
A. The reaction of a new father when he sees the new
mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby
from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother
dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home
at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than
three years, during which he had been in many
battles and won many decorations. He was
finally discharged from service and returned
home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen
in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house,
his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy,
Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple
Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first
time in years she replied, "at this point, I
don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in,
and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."
The married business executive had to make a trip
to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a
few days he was enjoying himself so much that he
decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise,
he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane
for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and
I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you
known about us?
"Look," said the husband, "if you don't put
some more action into it in the sack, I'm
gonna go out and get me some 'strange stuff'."
"Listen Buffalo ," snapped the wife, "if you could
somehow manage just a inch or so more, you'd
get yourself some 'strange stuff' right here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Heaven Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three girls, a blonde, redhead and brunette, died and were brought
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St.
Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before
entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?" they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl, a brunette.
"Oh yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was
still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden
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"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl, a redhead.
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key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl, a blonde.
"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically have sex with every
guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room
key."
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tricky Dicky, a used car dealer, was determined to break all sales
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announced: "One Blonde Free With Every Car." A delighted young stud
plunked down his money and, in hot anticipation, drove his newly won
blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a few preliminary
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smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car."
As their first assignment, my English 101 students are asked to
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going to the coast and getting a summer job on a fishing boat. He
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he had done so well that he was made "master baiter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chief Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the Blue Ridge Mountains, there was a retired sailor who was
reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Chief"
Three Admirals went-up into the mountains and wanted to rent him.
The old sailor said good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day."
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have "Chief" even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the
worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." But
we don't understand, what happen to him?" Well a crew from the Navy
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him Master Chief , and he's just been sitting on his ass barkin'
ever since.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?" "For ths rest of it, honey."
__________________________________
There once was a preacher's daughter
Who resented the pony he bought her
Till she found that it's dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her
__________________________________
A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
In the midst of each chukker
He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and vertically.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar and looks depressed. The bartender
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the bartender asks."The wife and I had a fight," the man
said, "She doesn't like it when I say the word, 'bitch.'"
"Why is that?"
"She thinks I need to learn her mother's real name."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1868
Stressful Relations
Diana: Katherine you know better than to tear things up.
Katie: But but but...
Diana: You go lay down on the floor while I take a nap.
Diana lays down, but after a few minutes gets up to check
on Katie... who is pulling off the cushion from her swivel/rocker..
Diana: Katherine Lillian Cassady!!! You put down that cushion
right now!
Katie: I was just going to fluff it.
Diana: Right and I am Miss America.
Rudy: You are?
Diana: Katie come here, we need to talk.
Katie trots over....
Diana: I know you want to be with father, but you are here with me
and the family. He will be here the day after tomorrow. You have
got to get yourself under control. All I ask is you try harder.
Katie: I will try harder.
The herd
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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