Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Reflections of a Blackshoe
by VADM Harold Koenig, USN (Ret).
I like the Navy. I like standing on the bridge wing at sunrise with
salt spray in my face and clean ocean winds whipping in from the
four
quarters of the globe - the ship beneath me feeling like a living
thing as her engines drive her through the sea.
I like the sounds of the Navy - the piercing trill of the boatswains
pipe, the syncopated clangor of the ship's bell on the quarterdeck,
the harsh
squawk of the 1MC and the strong language and laughter of sailors at
work.
I like Navy vessels - nervous darting destroyers, plodding fleet
auxiliaries, sleek submarines and steady solid carriers. I like the
proud names of Navy ships: Midway, Lexington, Saratoga, Coral Sea -
memorials of great battles won. I like the lean angular names of
Navy
'tin-cans': Barney, Dahlgren, Mullinix, McCloy - mementos of heroes
who went before us.
I like the tempo of a Navy band blaring through the topside speakers
as we pull away from the oiler after refueling at sea. I like
liberty
call and the spicy scent of a foreign port. I even like all hands
working parties as my ship fills herself with the multitude of
supplies both mundane and exotic which she needs to cut her ties to
the land and carry out her mission anywhere on the globe where there
is water to float her.
I like sailors, men from all parts of the land, farms of the
Midwest,
small towns of New England, from the cities, the mountains and the
prairies, from all walks of life. I trust and depend on them as they
trust and depend on me - for professional competence, for
comradeship,
for courage. In a word, they are "shipmates."
I like the surge of adventure in my heart when the word is passed
"Now
station the special sea and anchor detail - all hands to quarters
for
leaving port", and I like the infectious thrill of sighting home
again, with the waving hands of welcome from family and friends
waiting pierside.
The work is hard and dangerous, the going rough at times, the
parting
from loved ones painful, but the companionship of robust Navy
laughter, the 'all for one and one for all' philosophy of the sea is
ever present.
I like the serenity of the sea after a day of hard ship's work, as
flying fish flit across the wave tops and sunset gives way to night.
I like the feel of the Navy in darkness - the masthead lights, the
red
and green navigation lights and stern light, the pulsating
phosphorescence of radar repeaters - they cut through the dusk and
join with the mirror of stars overhead. And I like drifting off to
sleep lulled by the myriad noises large and small that tell me that
my
ship is alive and well, and that my shipmates on watch will keep me
safe.
I like quiet midwatches with the aroma of strong coffee - the
lifeblood of the Navy - permeating everywhere. And I like hectic
watches when the exacting minuet of haze-gray shapes racing at flank
speed keeps all hands on a razor edge of alertness. I like the
sudden
electricity of "General
quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations",
followed by the hurried clamor of running feet on ladders and the
resounding thump of watertight doors as the ship transforms herself
in
a few brief seconds from a peaceful workplace to a weapon of war -
ready for anything. And I like the sight of space-age equipment
manned
by youngsters clad in dungarees and soundpowered phones that their
grandfathers would still recognize.
I like the traditions of the Navy and the men and women who made
them.
I like the proud names of Navy heroes: Halsey, Nimitz, Perry,
Farragut, John Paul Jones. A sailor can find much in the Navy,
comrades-in-arms, pride in self and country, mastery of the seaman's
trade. An adolescent can find adulthood.
In years to come, when sailors are home from the sea, they will
still
remember with fondness and respect the ocean in all its moods - the
impossible shimmering mirror calm and the storm-tossed green water
surging over the bow. And then there will come again a faint whiff
of
stack gas, a faint echo of engine and rudder orders, a vision of the
bright bunting of signal flags snapping at the yardarm, a refrain of
hearty laughter in the wardroom and chief's quarters and messdecks.
Gone ashore for good they will grow wistful about their Navy days,
when the seas belonged to them and a new port of call was ever over
the horizon. Remembering this, they will stand taller and say,
"I WAS A SAILOR ONCE.
I WAS PART OF THE NAVY;
THE NAVY WILL ALWAYS BE PART OF ME."
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Hair Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Howdy oh Herd Master...
Here's one that was sent to me a LONG time ago, It might be
considered even funnier now. Ladies I apologize in advance but
remember I didn't write it I'm just forwarding it, there's NO WAY
hat I could have come up with these details! Next time something
for the ladies to laugh at the guys with, I PROMISE!
Dave E
**********************
One of womens' dilemmas...Getting rid of unwanted hair--
One woman's story:
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless
removal: the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair,
the EpilStop, and now The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home, fixed
dinner for my family and got everyone settled for the night.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the
next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine
cabinet.
I made sure no one would need me and I could head for the bathroom
in peace.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press
it on your leg (or wherever). No muss, no fuss. How hard can this
be? I mean, I'm not the girliest of girls but I'm mechanically
inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works.
You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each
other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and
soften the wax. I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat
the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that
phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh.
I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad.
I can do this! So with my next wax strip, I'll move north.
After checking on my beloved family again, I sneak into the bathroom
for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and
place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply
the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the
right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the
right ass cheek.
(Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind from the
pain!
Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of
the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP!! Everything is swirly and
tie-dyed. Do I hear crashing drums?
OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy -- my wax
covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like
an Olympic gold medalist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the
wax mostly gone?
Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
I see hair -- the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel.
I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout.
Nooooooo!!
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body
that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next
big mistake -- up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my
foot on the toilet.
I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the
floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door . Vagina?
Sealed shut.
Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says, "I hope you don't have to shit
anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around
the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.
Hot water!
Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get
in.
The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I
get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than is used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -- and I
sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of a tub. In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck in
the tub -- literally! I call my friend, Liz, because she once
dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge
or trick to get wax off skin.
It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina
are stuck to the tub." She wants to know exactly where the wax is on
the ass. "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't
even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the
entire night.
She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have
a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if
we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with
their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then
record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up
on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."
While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping
the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girlie
goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super
hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to
Other subjects!) I find the lotion provided with the wax to remove
the excess.
I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!"
I get hearty congratulations from Liz and we hang up. I successfully
remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still
there. So I shaved the damned stuff off.
Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.
I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a
mustache might start to come in.
Tonight, I attempt hair dying.
buffalo says
I can actually relate to this story. The last warm day we had I
wanted
to do some things outside and I noticed the only clean pair of
shorts
I had also had a small tear in the crotch. Since I wasn't about to
sew
them or do a load of laundry, both of which I am capable of doing, I
grabbed a roll of brown duct tape and laid an 8 inch piece over the
seam. I figured if it's good enough to hold a fender on in NASCAR
and I wasn't planning on going 200 mph, it would probably work. For
some strange reason about half of it worked its way loose but it had
no problem attaching itself to a chunk of hair and removing my
shorts
later was not a pleasant experience. I will still classify it as a
good
use for duct tape but recommend you wear underwear if you use it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bitch Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat. The only seat left was taken by a well
dressed middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold
the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of
the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out
of the window.
Gordon
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Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her
path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!"
She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After
finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"
She walked on and another duck with poop all over it crossed her
way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She
warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she
encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!"
she whined, "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time
she played Florence Nightingale and tended to the duck.
She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the
bushes.
"Hey, you, lady!" shouted Little Johnny, sounding in some distress.
"Yes?" she replied.
"Do you have a Kleenex?" Little Johnny asked.
"No, not anymore," she answered, "I've just used them all."
"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to find another duck," replied
Little Johnny.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very
serious frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here
yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lucky Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on
the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone,
woman, I'm married!' "
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Jesse Taylor
http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/O_JT.htm
PIANO LADY'S WORLD
http://www.pianoladynancy.com/
Carol w/ Music In My Soul
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Christ's Life!
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The Red Hat
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/redhat.html
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Surfin Surfari
Build Your Porsche ! Via Wesley
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The Twilight Zone Via Wesley
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'What Ever Happened To' and 'Where Are They Now?
http://www.weht.ne
Online Personal Organizer
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Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
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especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
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Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Halloween
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IE Privacy Keeper 2.3
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Secrets of Meta Tags
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
Amazing Dog Houses
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Amazing Dog Houses 2
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Welcome to Skunk Haven
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Movie Links
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Advise for the Dimocraps
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Airline Pilot of the year
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Alarm Orgasmique
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Brownie
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Ability To Fly For Bud Light
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Airline Pilot
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Alarm Clock
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
mary Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*************
. * The Poem *
. *************
" Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go. "
Mary Hall
. *********************
. * The Compendium *
. *********************
Mary had a little lamb,
She couldn't stop it crying;
She kicked it up the arse one day,
And sent it f**king flying.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Forever it was gluing.
Making models of its friends,
In strange positions, screwing.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
But she wasn't really sure;
Was she quite full enough,
or should she have some more.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It used to chew her slippers;
So Mary chopped off all it's legs,
With a pair of clippers.
PDC
Mary had a little lamb,
She got it rather pissed;
Then she gave it what it liked,
A quick one off the wrist.
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
Which slept throughout the day,
Mary woke it up in the barn,
By igniting all the hay.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
It didn't have a willy.
Mary made a big mistake,
In calling this lamb Billy.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was ever so white;
She took it to France on holiday,
Where farmers set it alight.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck.
She put them on the mantlepiece,
To see if they would fall off.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She liked it very much.
Until she caught it smoking dope,
When she kicked it in the crutch.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Her wool was black as night;
During nuclear holocaust,
It soon turned into white.
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
His wool was black as night;
It used to sing soprano,
Cos it's jeans were rather tight.
PDC
Mary had a little lamb,
It caused her lots of strife;
But a lamb is not just for Christmas,
A lamb is for life.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
She shaved it every day.
She did this as she found her husband
Liked it more this way.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She knew just what to do;
She gave it paper and a pen,
Upon which it drew,
A picture of a pussy cat
And said "look this is mine"
And Mary said "bugger me, a talking sheep"
TDS & NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
Her man was from Llandudno;
She thought she knew him well enough,
Until she found the Velcro.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
That had a little tail.
Until she caught it smoking dope,
And locked it in the jail
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
But surely you must know that;
And if you really didn't,
You're a complete and utter prat.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
With carrots and with peas.
A little mint sauce on the top,
And stuffing in its knees.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
But didn't know what for;
She thought maybe for stopping draughts,
And shoved it under the door.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
She liked to stroke it's head.
Until one day she found her husband
Screwing it in her bed.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
But knew not whence it came;
She was feeling a little peckish,
Now the lamb is lame.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
she kept it at the bank;
In embalmed darkness,
pickled in a tank.
PE
Mary had a little lamb,
With big horns and sharp teeth,
When ot turned out to be the Devil,
It came as some relief.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb didn't, because Mary was an annoying bitch.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
So take a tip from me:
If it has fleas as white as snow,
Then use some DDT.
MG
Mary had a little lamb,
Which acted rather crazily;
But soon enough she found the fault,
She'd programmed it in C.
MG
Mary had a little lamb,
She didn't know what for;
So she stuck it on a handle,
And used it to mop the floor.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It was short and sweet.
With seven ears and twenty mouths,
And forteen-thousand feet,
Mary had a deformed lamb,
But it could not be healed.
Coz Mary, in her innocence,
Lived next to Sellafield.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Cause she couldn't find a man.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon;
2,000 volts went up it's tail,
and turned the wool to nylon.
PDC
Mary had a little lamb,
It made a horrid mess;
And when her mum came into clean,
She could not even guess.
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
't was as beautiful as day.
Until the little lamb was captured
By the I.R.A.
CJ
And Mary had a second lamb,
Which she put with the other.
She left them alone through the night,
And one became a mother.
CJ
And Mary had a little lamb,
A sweet and harmless beast.
And Mary left it and it died,
But she didn't care in the least.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
It's life was such a doss;
She gave it half a joint one day,
And it couldn't give a toss.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It had a few convulsions;
She tried out all the possible cures,
But then used jet-propulsion.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was sodden red;
The reason for it was you see,
It had a pick-axe through its head.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
And boy did the lamb enjoy it.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was black as soot;
And every where that Mary went,
It's sooty foot it put.
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
She thought it awfully quaint;
She didn't like the colour much,
So she covered it with paint.
NWT
Mary had a little pony,
She rode it to the town;
Where she bore a child,
Who was to wear a crown.
(does this sound familiar?)
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
The lamb was very sick;
She thought this was just because,
He had not grown a dick.
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
It created some division;
It was not what she'd expected,
And shocked the obstetrician.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It was always in a hurry;
It slipped while crossing over the road,
And ended up as curry.
REG
Mary had a little lamb,
It had a touch of colic;
She gave it brandy twice a day,
And now it's alcoholic.
REG
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was all a quiver;
She drowned it slowly in a stream,
And sent it down the river.
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
It used to cough all day;
So Mary took it too the vet,
Who blew it's head away.
PDC
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was ever so black;
She left it in a cave one day,
And never got it back.
PDC & PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece smelt rather rank;
Perhaps it was due to her husband,
Who used it when having a ..... ('ride in his tank'?)
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
But one day it turned savage.
So she shot it in the head
And served it up with cabbage.
REG
Mary had a little lamb.
It ate out of her pocket.
Then NASA bought it from her
And sent it on a rocket.
REG
Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was very fuzzy
She'd tried to wire it up you see,
But it didn't work as SCSI.
REG
Mary had a little lamb
Which beat up all its brothers
Hence proving that some animals
Are more equal than others
MG
Mary had a little lamb;
She did Psychology.
The lamb bleated at her one day
And she was immediately requested to write a 1000-word report on the
origins and environmental basis of this spontaneous auditory
response, with particular attention to a possible reinforcer
received during the lamb's early life. MG
Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a tree
She whipped it hard, she whipped it long
It baa'd and baa'd with glee
GRM
Mary had a little lamb
It then became a goat
So she fattened it up for christmas
And slit it's goaty throat
RJP
Mary had a little lamb,
That sometimes got quite randy;
So it went into the local pub,
And asked for a hand shandy.
SDB
Mary had a little lamb,
So bright it was in MENSA
But it met a very sticky end
When fed through a Liebig condensor
REG
Mary had a little lamb,
She taught it how to fly.
Well how was Mary to have known
The little lamb would die.
She took it to a mountain top,
Where the ground was good and flat.
She pushed it off, and listened closely....
Yes, there came the "Splat".
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
It was short and squat;
Despite its ugliness and smell
She liked it quite a lot.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She took it shopping in a trolly;
It ate too much, and didn`t pay,
So she impailed it on her brolly.
NWT
Mary has a little lamb,
It had the cutest hide;
But when she told it how she felt,
It commited suicide.
MA
Mary had a little lamb,
It's butt was awfully raw;
So she stuck it on the stove,
And it wasn't any more.
NWT
Mary had a greedy lamb,
It ate and ate all day;
Eventually she stopped it,
By poisoning the hay.
NWT
Mary had a new born lamb,
It's eyes were still closed;
Mary cuddled and nursed the creature;
So it could later be exposed.
TDS
Mary had a greedy lamb,
It 'ate' and 'ate' all day;
And when she tried to up and leave,
It tried to make her stay!
MA & NWT
Mary had a head-ache,
And the lamb was feeling sad;
So it waited 'til she'd gone to sleep -
It said she wasn't bad.
NWT
Paul had a little lamb
One or two I guessed
Until I saw his cellar-full
And I deduced the rest
MA & NWT
Mary tried to train her lamb,
Rewarding it with hay;
She taught it lots of clever things,
But what I cannot say!
MA & NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
Two electrodes and a saw;
We used to see the lamb a lot,
But we don't see it any more.
NWT & MA
Mary had a little lamb,
She took it to the river;
She set its paws in concrete,
And it did more than shiver.
NWT & MA
Mary had a little lamb,
A budgie and a frog;
Then one day she cooked them all,
And fed them to the dog.
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
She put it on all fours;
She was looking for the buttons,
But all she found was pause.
NWT
Mary had a rubber lamb,
Six battries and some jelly;
She read the manual front to back,
But still prefered the telly.
MA & NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
Some rubber gloves and oil;
She had her wicked way with it,
And covered him with foil -
She considered it protection,
But her fun was soon to spoil -
She found out she was pregnant,
She should have used a coil.
NWT & TDS & MA & PAL
Mary and her little lamb,
Made friends with Nigel Thorne;
But it didn't last that long, you see -
Something about little boys and porn.
MKT
Mary had a little lmab,
She also couldn't type;
Some say she rides like Sharon Stone,
.. But don't believe the hype.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
It was running low on luck;
Whenever someone sheared it's arse,
It couldn't give a f**k.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
She found it rather sweet;
It played all kinds of games with her,
Then died, abruptly, at her feet.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb
And now I've had enough
Of this stupid girl called Mary
And her wooly bit of fluff..
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
Her fleece was white snow;
Quite how this is origional,
I really do not know.
TDS
Little lamb had Mary,
Just for a change.
TDS+MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
She called it Ronald Clump;
She used it to help clean herself,
When she'd had a dump.
NWT
Mary was had by a little lamb,
It must have seen her comeing.
NWT
Timmy had a little lamb,
He thought that he was Mary;
But as he was in the wrong rhyme,
He thought it quite contrary.
TDS & PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
So cute it was untrue;
And so all the other ugly lambs,
Stuck it down with glue.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
With a warped and twisted mind;
It used to sing and dance all night,
With a spike up its behind.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Its wool was black and tangled.
She took it to a sheep shearer,
Where it got well and truly mangled.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Just for fun, she said;
But she didn't half enjoy it,
When it climbed into her bed.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She neither ate nor screwed it;
She did not boil or saute it,
She didn't cut or glue it.
Mary kept the lamb quite well,
In a little barn on a farm;
Out of the way of anyone,
Where it could not do any harm.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She screwed it for Michael Winner;
And afterwards, when they were tired,
They chopped it up for dinner.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
With an enormous chopper;
And everywhere that that lamb went,
They'd cry "Cor, what a whopper!".
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
It used to play with ducks;
Mary got quite worried, but
She thought that she should not discriminate against it just because
of its sexual preferences. After all, she'd screw anything with two
or more (or frequently less) legs, as long as it had the required
components. And even if he/she/it didn't, Mary was a very inventive
girl. CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She thought it rather fetching;
Then she plied it with lots of booze,
And couldn't stop it wretching.
RJP
Mary stopped having little lambs,
Cos she'd had an operation;
This was a messy procedure,
Now sex is her only concelation.
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
A giraffe and zebra too,
By the time she'd finished,
She'd f**ked the whole damn zoo.
GRM
. *****************
. * The Epilogue *
. *****************
Mary had a little lamb,
That gets me every time;
I can never work out what to say,
Or how to make it rhyme.
NWT & TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
Well what a bloody fuss;
Its not as if we really care,
So why the hell tell us.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
This rhyme is getting boring;
With all these crap variations,
Someone stop me snoring.
TDS
Stan Kegel
*******************
. * CONTRIBUTORS *
. *******************
CJ Chris Jeans
PAL Paul A Lindfield
PE From 'Private Eye'
TDS Tim Saxton
PDC Peter Cox
MKT Mark Thompson
NWT Nigel Thorne
REG Richard George
MG Mark Green
GRM Graeme Maclean
RJP Rob Powell
SDB Steve Brinton
MA Merlyn Albery
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
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fake O
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Filling
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I came first
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41033.htm
Fuckin A
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41034.htm
Hammer
http://www.buffaloschips.com/41040.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
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A carpenter living in Crewe,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
Once assisted a whore
With the hinge of her door,
But he made her pay for the screw.
_________________________________
A blue little boy from Lansing
couldn't find a partner for dancing.
So he bared his dick
in a final vain trick,
and won a loose lass for romancing!
_________________________________
"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must go through."
<Snagged by>
Ross
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Parting Chips
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About two years ago, Katherine, a friend of mine, decided to set me
up with a colleague of hers. She said he was a really nice guy
(Translation: asshole) who kept complaining that he could not meet a
nice woman. Since Katherine thought I was nice (at the time anyhow)
she thought of me.
We talked a few times on the phone and we sort of hit it off. We
agreed to meet for a drink. Since I was in town that week, we picked
a bar I liked on the west side. I was chatting with the bartender
while I waited. He shows up and sits down.
We talk for a bit, and find out we really have nothing in common. So
I figure it's a quick drink and then I can go home and take a bubble
bath.
But this guy blurts out he's angry.
"Why?"
"I'm disappointed."
"Uh. Ok. Why?"
"Well, Katherine never told me you were ugly."
"Uhhh, excuse me?"
Louder this time so the entire bar could hear: "KATHERINE NEVER SAID
YOU WERE UGLY."
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1876
Splish Splash I Was Taking a Bath!
Val is standing at the top of the ramp ready to leap into a small
tub of
water.
A crowd of people are watching, Katie is sneaking away with her
pockets full of money.
Diana is screaming: Stop!!!!!
Val decides to look down and suddenly it dawns upon her...it is a
long way down!
Val: I think I will not do this..
Crowd: Jump jump!
Diana: Do not listen to them. Come on down.
Val: I have to jump...
Val takes a step and then leaps...into the air
and
into
the arms
of
Dad
BJ: Ouff.... I am glad you are the lightest doggie, but still...
Crowd applauds!!!
encore!!
BJ: No way.
The herd
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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