Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I dug in the archives for an intro today and found another story
involving coffee and cumshaw. Cumshaw is a Chinese word meaning
grateful thanks or a gratuity.
Sailors embraced the practice and used it as a method of obtaining
and exchanging goods and services. Smaller deals might include
alcohol, cigarettes, or even a bale of rags but major undertakings
required coffee and sugar. Although the Navy provides this beverage
freely while out onboard a ship, those on shore duty were forced to
buy there own unless they had a cumshaw artist in their midst.
Remember I spoke yesterday of the 15 gallon drum of coffee we kept
down in our space? By the time we got back to the states it was
full and weighed several hundred pounds. We went into a restricted
availability which meant we had about 4 months to put everything
back together, do our maintenance, train the replacements, and paint
and stencil the space. Our Chief being an old horse trader with
many connections in the Navy shops traded the coffee for 275 gallons
of white paint, masking materials, spraying equipment, and an
experienced painter for the weekend. We spent the week masking out
all that wasn't white and knocking dust and grime loose and gave our
space a complete paint job in a week. The space was about the size
of a large three story house so that put us quite a ways in front of
the other spaces. Of course they had their own deals going too and
one other space was painted for their stock and other spaces had
large pieces of machinery rebuilt that hadn't been scheduled to be
repaired but desperately needed it.
Cumshaw was one of the best-kept, most widely known secrets in the
Navy. The enlisted men did it to add some amount of deniability to
it if the officers were ever confronted with it but trading
materials became available if it was for the benefit of the ship.
When I worked in a shop for shore duty we kept large supplies of
fasteners onhand so a job wouldn't stop because someone needed a
bolt over the weekend. Back then a metal called Monel was popular
as it was a nickel copper mix that resisted corrosion but had more
strength than brass and didn't react with iron. I was in charge of
supply and ordered every part for the 70-100 jobs we had going on at
any given moment and I was also in charge of providing coffee for 60
sailors that worked on the crews. I merely dropped a hint that we
were in need of coffee as I helped the ships out and they were happy
to reciprocate. When I left the shop to go back to sea duty I left
them with a six month supply of coffee.
Enjoy the chips....buffalo
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Skin Chips
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A saleswoman was traveling along this Arkansas road when her car
broke down near a farmhouse. She went to the farmhouse and asked the
farmer if he could put her up for the night until her car was fixed.
"Sure," he said, "but you have to sleep with my son because we only
have two bedrooms. By the way, he suffers from tight skin."
She asked if it was contagious and he said no, so they went to
sleep.
When she woke up in the morning the bed was full of dung. She
screamed.
The farmer came running into the room and asked what was wrong.
"This bed is full of shit!" she yelled.
"I told you last night that he suffered from tight skin," said the
farmer.
"What the hell is tight skin?" she asked.
The farmer said, "When he closes his eyes his ass hole opens up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Vixen Chips
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The Old Fart & The Vixen
An elderly man married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding
went fine and they left on their honeymoon.
The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program after they
went to bed that night. The young wife felt that he was probably
tired and let him sleep for a while. A couple of hours later she was
really horny, so she decided that this had gone on long enough, but
wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge.
She woke the old fellow up.
"What's the matter," he asked.
She purred, "This side of the bed is to hard, I want to lay on your
side."
The old fart scratched his head, got up and walked around the bed.
He then got in on her side and went to sleep.
A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate
things. She was just so hot, so she awoke him again.
"What now?" he asked.
She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more
comfortable let me lie on that side."
Again he got up walked around, got in, and went to sleep. By this
time, she was really ready to make hard, passionate, sex.
She really didn't care at this point how it would appear to him. She
awoke him again and said, "No, I was wrong your side is more
comfortable. Instead of getting up, why don't you just crawl over me
and I will scoot across the bed?"
He started over and she stopped him right on top and held him.
"Now, do you know what I really want?", she asked, holding him
tightly while squirming a bit underneath his old body.
He replied, "Yeah! You want the whole damned bed! Well, you aren't
going to get it!"
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Birthday Chips
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A friend of mine is a nurse at a Chicago hospital. One evening, when
she was on emergency room duty, a young man came waddling into the
room assisted by his young wife.
"I want to speak to the doctor," he says. "Could you tell me what
the problem is?" replied the woman behind the desk.
"I want to speak to the doctor," he replies.
His wife begins to snicker.
Eventually the doctor comes and gets the story. The couple are
newlyweds. It was her birthday. The man decided to surprise her. His
plan was to insert a small birthday candle into his erect penis,
light it, and walk into the room singing "Happy birthday to you."
When he inserted the little candle, he coughed, and the candle was
pulled out of sight. The efforts of his panic only caused the candle
to go down further.
The doctor had to sedate him with Valium and recruit several of the
ER staff to assist in extracting the candle.
As the young woman assisted her wobbly husband out to the car, the
hysterical laughter from the ER could be heard for blocks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Cat Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As promised Ladies..... heres one you can laugh at the guys about
Dave E
**********************
Cat Lover or Not this is hysterical! We've all had trouble with our
animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
*************
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks
I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway,
because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply
mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would
feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition
was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my
silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived
her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down
and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised
around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And,
at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the
toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know
this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when
the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The
impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there
are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on
the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there,
done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my
wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to
conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their
hysterical laughter ... and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too
painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At work, our manager was trying to demonstrate a project on his
computer to four women in our provider relations department. He was
having problems with the computer, so the ladies went back to their
office until he could get the program pulled up. I was not aware of
any of this, so I was a little shocked when I walked in the office
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Not sure it's still a tradition, but years ago when a college lad
was
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"Congratulations! Oh, let me see it." Confused, Susan replied, "Let
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Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school
one day. Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose,
but not much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug
store to buy a few in order to learn more about them. As to not
waste
too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for
sale.
The pharmacist replied, why yes, we have them three for a dollar.
Johnny replied, I'll take three then.
When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came
to one-dollar and six cents.
Johnny said, wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you
told me they were three for a dollar.
The pharmacist replied... that's the tax we put on them.
Little Johnny said, oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves.
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One More
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I Can Do You One Better
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1 Piece bikini
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2 Cokes
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Double Asscrack
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh what's all this ailing, armed Knight?
Loitering paley's not right!
Fuck the sedge and the lake
And that mute bird forsake,
Just tell me about your sad plight."
"I met a neat chick in the Meads...
I set her on one of my steeds..
She made a sweet moan,
Which stiffened my bone,
While I made her a garland of weeds."
"This moaning went on all day long,
While giving me glances sidelong...
'Said she'd relish my root,
Add some honey to boot,
And swore that she'd do me no wrong."
"We finally got to her grotto
(By then on that dew I was blotto)...
She started to bawl,
I could sense a long haul
Ere my prick and her cunt were legato."
"All those sighs and that kissing, a bore!
I just about left through her door,
But she lulled me to sleep
That tease of a creep!
I dreamt she enthralled me, that whore!"
"So you see here a horny young Knight,
Who sojourns with tale all too trite...
Should have focused on twat,
In that damn elfin grot,
And screwed her with all of my might!"
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's greatest truck driver was driving along a country lane
late one night when his truck broke down. So he headed towards an
old farmhouse and knocked on the door. "Hello," Kurt says, "I'm the
greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has broken down, I
wonder could I have a bed for the night?" "Well," says Norm,
"there's only two rooms, meself and the wife in one, and my nineteen
year old daughter in the other." "Look, I'm the greatest truck
driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your
daughter will be safe." Kurt says. "All right," Norm replies and
they all go to bed. At four in the morning, the farmer heard the
headboard in the next room banging against the wall. He got up and
looked in, there was the truck driver driving it into his daughter,
with his bare butt going up and down. So, Norm went down stairs and
loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and pointed the gun at
the trucker. "All right, then," he says, "if you're the greatest
truck driver in the world, reverse out of there with a full load!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1878
Rudy, the Painter
Diana is in the final stages of finishing her house. She starts to
paint and paint and paint the living room. She takes a break and
looks over at Rudy who seems to have the similar color of paint on
his back.
Diana: What are you doing Rudy?
Rudy: Your brush is small and my back is large so I
thought I could help a lot.
Diana: But you can only go three feet high.
Rudy: Well that's three feet you don't have to do and
if I get my belly wet and get on my hind feet, I can go
maybe five feet.
Diana: If you do that, whatever you touch will be a
mess. Come here you big lug and let me give you a hug.
The two embrace and soon they are the same color.
The herd
(Rudy did try and help.... so to speak)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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