Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Nine years ago today I finished the lists about 0245 and posted
them and fell onto the couch after a really hard day at work
planning to sleep at least to 1100, answer some of my mail, and go
to work. Hours before work I heard the ding of AOL instant messenger
and the answering ding as my daughter typed back. I growled a little
bit because the computer is only six feet from the couch. Then I
heard the TV click on and was furious as she knew better than make
noise while I was sleeping. Then I heard , " Dad, Phil is online and
says someone just crashed a plane into the World Trade Center." Phil
writes the Jokes Uncut and we have a long history of practical
jokes. As my eyes came open to the first tower on fire I was
thinking great trick photography and then sat bolt upright a few
seconds later as the plane hit the second tower. I sent an email to
Jill from Jill's Jokeline as I knew she worked in Manhattan and
called work and my mom. Everyone was watching the story unfold amid
the terror at the Pentagon and in Pennsylvania. I did what I had
been trained to do and kept up my routine and went to work even
though the visions of the towers collapsing and unknown thousands
dead filled my mind. The schools closed down and events were
cancelled, anything where a crowd might gather. That was the terror
that our own children and towns may be next. Back at home that night
with everyone around me shutting down I made the decision to
continue with the lists, first to bring some humor to a world that
was in dire need and next to allow some who could talk about it a
place to post their thoughts. It was a roller coaster of emotions
over the next few months dealing with all the mail, news, and jokes
going from laughing to crying in a few seconds many times a day.
Today I look at music videos and movies and the WTC , a building I
could not have identified in 2000 stands out and screams out to me,"
We Are Gone" That is why we must rebuild bigger and better no matter
what the cost to prove that we will not let terrorists control our
lives.
Today is a day of remembrance. Remembering the thousands who died in
the towers and the Pentagon. Remembering those that died trying to
save those trapped in the buildings. Remembering that there will
always be people out there that want to do us harm and that we must
be forever vigilant. Remembering those who have fought and died in
Afghanistan trying to bring those responsible to justice.
Remembering that although we have a right to life, liberty, and the
pursuit of happiness it usually comes at a high price. If we all
remember then perhaps we will never be caught unaware again.
buffalo
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Mayo Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy nearing the end of his senior year in high school
unfortunately still has to share a room with his brother who is only
9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is
already on the lower bunk. So he and his girlfriend climbed into the
top bunk.
As you expected, things began to heat up. The guy remembers that his
brother is sleeping below, so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,
"Lettuce" if she wants it harder, and "Tomato" if she wants a new
position.
She screams, "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Whoa!!!
Pull It Out Now! I Can't Get Pregnant!"
Then the little brother shouts, "Hey, would you two guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Golf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Duffer and the Pro
Charlie, the local country club duffer was the most annoying member
of the ritzy golf course and constantly annoyed all of the members
by challenging them to rounds of golf. One day he cornered the club
pro in the golf shop and promptly challenged him to a round in front
of several club members.
The pro was so embarrassed and just angry enough to accept the
challenge, but told Charlie that he would have to play heads-up golf
with no handicap.
Charlie accepted those terms, but also told the pro that because of
his skill and experience the pro would have to give him two
"gotchas." Because the pro had never heard this term before, had no
idea what it meant, and was too embarrassed to ask, he agreed.
Stepping up to the first hole, the pro gave Charlie first honors and
Charlie promptly topped the ball about 50 yards down the fairway.
The pro then blasted his tee shot about 300 yards straight down the
middle.
After about 10 more dribbling shots, Charlie finally made it to the
green and grabbed his putter to finish the hole. As the pro was
lining up his first putt, Charlie walked up behind him, grabbed his
balls, squeezed, and yelled "GOTCHAAAA!!!" Needless to say, the pro
rapped the ball about 30 or 40 feet past the hole and almost off the
green.
About 5 hours later, most of the members were waiting in the
clubhouse to learn the results of this wildly mismatched challenge.
The first to arrive was Charlie... all smiles and happy as a lark,
bubbling "I won, I won." A few minutes later, the pro stumbled into
the clubhouse looking like he had been through the wars...
disheveled, shaking, and looking thoroughly beaten. The astonished
members asked him what happened.
The pro looked completely lost and softly whispered, "Have you ever
played 17 holes of golf waiting for the second 'GOTCHA'?"
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Irish Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cork born Father O'Connor's reputation for castigating the Brits
from the pulpit was legendary. However, the congregation in his new
parish of Boston, Mass., tired of him lambasting the Brits for the
horrors they inflicted upon the Irish for generations. Ultimately,
the Archbishop opted to send the good father to a small hamlet in
the far reaches of Tennessee where, His Grace said, "The folks know
nothing of England and care less. So Knock off the Brit bashing and
you'll better serve Holy Mother Church."
Several weeks later, when Father O'Connor stood into the pulpit to
deliver his first sermon to his new congregation, the local Bishop,
who knew of O'Connor's reputation, was in attendance to check up-on
him.
"My dear brethren," Father O'Connor began, "this morning I'd like to
talk about The Last Supper."
Not bad, though the Bishop. Safe enough ground.
"Now, the lesson to be learned from The Last Supper, where Christ
knew He'd been betrayed, is that the sin of betrayal is the worst
sin of all. A sin never forgiven by God or man," thundered Father
O'Connor.
Fair enough, thought the Bishop.
"Christ looked around at His apostles. 'Was it you Peter, who
betrayed me?' He asked."
"Not I My Lord," answered Peter.
"Was it you John?"
"Not I My Lord."
"Christ asked each of them in turn and finally came to Judas, who
was sitting at the end of the table, his head bowed. Was it you,
Judas, who betrayed me? asked Christ, and Judas responded,
"Wot? Me? Not on yer bloody life, Mi'lud."
The Bishop fainted
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the
time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets
around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Only on
Saturdays," she says. The doctor advises her to do it more
frequently, since it invigorates and boosts circulation. "I can't,"
says the woman. "All those other nights I'm home with my husband and
have a headache."
After their wedding reception a newly married couple went to their
hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?"
the desk clerk asked. "Only one," the groom replied. "She's not into
anal sex."
Little Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME. Then, he
tells his buddy Timmy to get his fire- wagon so they can both sit
under a shade tree in the front yard, and wait for business. Cathy
is sitting across the street and is not to be outdone, so she paints
a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL. Then, she tells her
girlfriend Margaret to get her fire-wagon so they can both sit under
a shade tree in the front yard, and wait for business. Little
Johnny's pissed, so he hauls Timmy across the street with him and
whispers, "Let's get some laughs." "Say, Cathy, you move ANYTHING?"
asks Little Johnny "Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you," says
Cathy. "Timmy, give me your nickel!" orders Little Johnny, and then
hands it to Cathy. "What you want moved?" sneers Cathy. Little
Johnny starts laughing, and he says, "Move my bowels!" Cathy thinks
for a few seconds and then turns to her girlfriend, "Margaret, hold
this nickel while I beat the shit out of this kid."
Stan Kegel
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Factory Chips
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Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear;
You've been on overtime almost all year;
And since you are gone till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.
Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool;
Working overtime is wasting your tool;
For better it is to be poor all your life,
Than bring a soft peter home to your wife;
I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you're nowhere to be seen;
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.
Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed,
Your intentions are good, but your peter is dead;
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.
I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise;
So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you're at work, we'll proceed to make hay.
For in this whole world there is only one sin,
For which there's no pardon, and never has been;
And that is a man who is so foolish and mean,
That he gives up his screwing to run a machine.
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Subscribers and Friends
John w/ Silent Night 9 11
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A Tear Fell Via Juanita
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Why My Son?
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102 Minutes that Changed America Via Mary
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National Book Of Remembrances
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Two Days Later
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When The World Stopped Turning
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Blood Of Heroes
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Attack On America
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hurricane Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DRINK YOUR WAY THROUGH HURRICANE SEASON........
Here are a few new drink recipes to keep handy just in case the
worst happens. GREAT RECIPES~~ Enjoy!
MANDATORY EVACUATION
1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz. vermouth Clamato
Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of
glass with equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask
next-door neighbor - whose ficus tree blew over and crashed onto
your roof even though you'd warned him for months to uproot it - if
you can use his bathroom. Repeat.
============================================================
CATEGORY 5
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin
Sweet-and-sour mix Splash of fruit juice Combine vodka, tequila,
rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill remainder of glass with
sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then garnish with an
inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours, and vow not
to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded
your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.
============================================================
CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV
weatherman say, 'cone of probability,' bite off the end of the cone
and down the shot.
============================================================
FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail
glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your
freezer. Stir and drink through a straw.
============================================================
BEACH EROSION
1 1/2 oz. Goldschlager
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschlager, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As
you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to New
Jersey where it belongs.
============================================================
DOWNED POWER LINE
1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to
figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks
without television and AC.
============================================================
FLOOD ZONE
2 oz. Kahlua
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess
spills all over the countertop.
============================================================
COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after
waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep
breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage
hits your tongue. Repeat.
============================================================
LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT
1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of
your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsparilla.
Fill shot glass with Jack and splash of sarsparilla. Watch for
looters. When you spot one, blast his ass with rock salt. Drink
shot. Repeat.
============================================================
THE CHAIN SAW
1 oz. Goldschlager
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth Combine Goldschlager, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in
an empty soup can. Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain
saw from garage and attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard.
Ask neighbor to drive you to hospital when it all goes horribly
wrong. ============================================================
FOUR-WAY STOP
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to
yourself and three other people. The person with the clear shot of
vodka drinks first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot,
and so on. If somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of
road rage and beat the living crap out of him.
============================================================
BLUE TARP
1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice
Splash of lime
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to
eight months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient,
hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an
exorbitant sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
cold nose
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come in
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come to bed
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I met this fine lady on the Cape
Who had a wee bit to much grape
An thought sex might just be fine
Til she took the measure of mine
An was left with her mouth agape
I know that you'll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple espresso -
I put on a dress, oh,
And really start acting quite naughty!
There was a young dancer, Priscillla,
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
Including a stud armadilla.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful
young woman at the other end of the bar.
"Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it
on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile.
A moment later he's at her side.
"That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with
you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm
a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a
hundred dollars. Now, if that's not what you had in mind, I
certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I
like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure,
let's go upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering.
There's something about you that makes me think you might be
Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both
Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount."
"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty
percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making
any profit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1869
Juvie's
Diana lets out the doggies to do their thing in the backyard. Later
she lets in Rudy and Val... no Sandi no Katie. They are gone.
Sandi huff huff: That was pretty cool showing me how to jump the
fence.
Katie: Aw it ain't nothing Sandi. I have a ton of tricks.
Sandi: I am ready to head home now.
Katie: Why?
Sandi: Air conditioning, food, water, soft bed, TV are a few of my
favorite things. Hmm sounds like a song.
Katie: Half the fun is escaping.
Sandi: Why?
Katie: Well, err it just is.
Sandi: Would you escape if you were with father?
Katie: Of course not.
Sandi: So you are escaping from reality.
The herd
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
To unsubscribe send a blank e-mail to Buffalos-adult-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com
Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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