Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Monday night was cold up here. It was still below zero when I got
out of bed at noon and went over to the hospital for my monthly lab
work. Buffy found the water to her washer froze up which gave her
a reason not to do laundry. Eva got to her glasses this morning and
broke the bows off of them so it looks like I will be headed to
Wal-mart
after the doctor's appointment for a new set of frames for her.
Maybe
Sandy's will be in also which will save me another trip there.
I did something really stupid the other day. I bought Eva a bounce
and
play. That is a seven foot by seven foot inflatable play area with a
barrier
all the way around it and a blower to keep it inflated. 7 x 7 never
clicked
when I bought it but there is no place in Buffy's house that it will
fit
which means I will have to empty out an area here for it and that is
going to be a challenge. I am having visions also of a bunch of kids
bouncing on it and POW, blowout and kids on the ceilings.
If you can and you have a few extra dollars or airline miles that
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money can do. Give a family the present of enjoying Christmas with a
service man who would be sitting on a lonely base on Christmas Day.
Be Good and Stay Warm...... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Italian Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Italian Merry Christmas
I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a
date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve.
I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian
girl to see how an Italian family spends the
holidays. I thought my mother and my date would
hit it off like partridges and pear trees.
So, I was wrong. Sue me.
I had only known Karen for three weeks when I
extended the invitation. I know these family
things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my
folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on
Christmas Eve." "Sounds fine to me," Karen said.
I had only known my mother for 31 years when I
told her I'd be bringing Karen with me.
"She's a very nice girl and she's really looking
forward to meeting all of you."
"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two
"sounds-fine- to-me". What more could I want?
Christmas was set!
I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian
households, Christmas Eve is the social event of
the season - an Italian woman's raison d'etre.
She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates
every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve
is what Italian women live for.
I should also point out, I suppose, that when it
comes to the kind of women that make Italian men
go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't
cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being.
I brought her anyway.
7p.m. - we arrive .
Karen and I walk in and putter around for half
an hour waiting for the other guests to show up.
During that half hour, my mother grills Karen
like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that
Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.
My father is equally observant. He pulls me
into the living room and notes, "She has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being! "
7:30p.m. - Others arrive.
Uncle Antonio walks in with my Aunt Mafalde,
assorted kids, assorted gifts.! We sit around the
dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically
composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black
olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies.
When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you.
But none of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies.
"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.
"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all
as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are
baking, broiling and simmering in the next room.
My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things
are getting uncomfortable.
Aunt Sophia asks Karen what her family eats on
Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst. "
My father, who is still staring in a daze,
at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to
murmur, Knockers?" My mother kicks him so hard he
gets a blood clot. None of this is
turning out the way I'd hoped.
8:00p.m. - Second course.
The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the
table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll
make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks
me to join her in the kitchen. I take my
"Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the
"Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.
"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says
calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands,
"But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to
throw acid in her face."
"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she
wants."
My mother considers the situation,
then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining
room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth,"
she says, "are you serious with this tramp?"
"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for
three
weeks."
"Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her,
she'll
poison you."
8:30p.m. - More fish.
My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé
plant hangers that are always three times larger
than the plants they hold.
All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti
dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.
"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest.
Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three
forks.
"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her,
smiling
painfully.
"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink.
As she renters the dining room, a wine glass flies
over her head, and smashes against the wall. From
the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops."
I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy.
"Whoops?"
No. "Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft."
More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen
tries a piece of scintilla, which she describes as "slimy,
like
worms."
My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one
of
those old women you always see in the sixth row20of a funeral
home.
Aunt Sophia does the same. Karen, believing that this is
something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve,
bites her hand and pounds her chest also.
My Uncle Antonio doesn't know what to make of it. My
father's
dentures fall out and he almost chews a six-inch gash in the
tablecloth with his fingernails.
10:00p.m. - Coffee, dessert.
Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of
lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother
finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli.
I guess it had to happen sooner or later.
Karen, believing that this is something that all
Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a
cannoli and slaps my mother with it.
"This is fun," Karen says. Fun?
No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft.
But, amazingly, everyone is laughing
and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my
mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says,
"Get this bitch out of my house."
Sounds fine to me.
Charlie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Mrs. Clause gets what she wants
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Careful
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Santa and your wish
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Virginity YES
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He-She
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penny For Your Thoughts, Angus
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall,
holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked
at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh,
I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl
blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the
two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time
for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled
him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time
you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took
his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned
once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said,
"my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the
girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out: "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the
first three pennies?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Service Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the
word
'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard
two
farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull
to'service' a
few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightend as I am.
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Store Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
STUPID AND HEARTLESS THINGS TO SAY IN THE LADIES DRESSING ROOM
# That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?
# I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.
# Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you were a man...
# I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away
because he said it made me look like Edna Everage.
# Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your
pimples...
# Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU
# Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up
myself
# Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is
the 'plain, severe and drab' look in this season?
# Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?
# Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers
# I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate
your roots
# Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like
any help?
# Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like
that?
# God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?
# I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I
followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses,
four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that
it's really all you...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Present Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman has just given birth to her son, but the Doctor won't
let her see him. "I'm afraid", says the Doctor, "that he's a litle
disabled..." But the woman, her mind filling with love for her new
son, demands to see him. Sure enough, the Doctor shows her her baby
- a handsome, healthy boy - but - just a head. He has no body....
"I know he's lacking in some limbs," , says the Doctor, " (like all
four), but he is a minor miracle - he is in perfect health..." So,
the woman and her husband take him home, call him 'Eddie', and set
about building a normal, healthy family life.
Ediie's first, second, third and fourth birthdays come and go
without a
hitch.
Then comes his fifth. His mother is looking for him to come and
open his birthday present. "Where's Eddie?", she asks her husband.
"Oh, he's having a roll in the garden". She goes into the garden,
and shouts "Eddie, Eddie!" "What Mum?" "It's your birthday, Eddie"
"I know Mum" "Don't you want to come and open your present?" "Oh
fuck off. It'll only be another hat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penis Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes to see the doctor because he's been a little
too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25
inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do
medically, but sends him to see a Witch that he thinks
might be able to help.
The Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and
tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the
forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the
frog to marry you and each time the frog says no,
you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks,
and off he dashes into the forest.
He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side,
sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the
frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best,
and calls back, "No!" The guy looks down, sure enough,
he's 5 inches shorter. Hey this is great, he thinks-
let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks
the frog. The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back
again, "No!" Twitch-the guy's down to 15 inches.
Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down
another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again,
"Will you marry me?"
The frog yells back, "Look -how many times do I have
to tell you?" No! No! No!"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
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Subscribers and Friends
My Christmas Prayer
http://www.loratrue
Christmas Poems Of The Week, just click on the following URL:
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Junebug & Friend's
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Amberluv
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Feel what it's like to be famous.
Get the Guitar Hero World Tour(R) Band Kit, FREE (with completion of
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Surfin Surfari
Santa Claus and Christmas at the Northpole
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Christmas Trivia Quiz
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Wave Frozen In Time
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12 Things You Might Not Know About A Christmas Story
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Christmas Midis
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All Things Christmas: Christmas Printables
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Winter Gifs
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Animal World
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Kitty Korner
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Movie Chips
Gorilla Sex
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Got Protection
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Great Tequila Commercials
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H 100206
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Happy Holidays
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Fastest Gun Ever
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Fed Ex
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Fests
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FFs
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Hot Dog Chase
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jail Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Longest jail sentence
The longest jail sentence passed was in the United States - 10,000
years for a triple murder. Dudley Wayne Kyzer was jailed for 10,000
years by a court in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, in 1981 for murdering his
wife. He was then sentenced to two life terms for murdering his
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robbery, and 500 years for grand larceny.
In July 1997, the state Court of Criminal Appeals held that the
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and thus dismissed it. So the court cut Anderson's sentence by 500
years, speeding up his release date to the year 12,744!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
OOPS!
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Special Xmas delivery
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Crispy fried Santa
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Gardening
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Your right hand
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Fido
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young woman of Sydney
Who could take it clear up to the kidney.
But the thrust of Alphonse
Barely reached to her mons
So he left her unsatisfied, didney?
There was a young fellow from Queens
Whose perpetual fucking machines
Would move forward by jerks
For he kept in the works
The best Mexican high-jumping beans.
Though I don't carry all that much girth
Fucking women is Heaven on Earth
When up go their knees
And the way that they squeeze
Just milks me for all that it's worth!
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loud 'N Clear, the compact personal sound amplifier, allows you
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The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three guys are walking down the beach ...when they
see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.
Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making
love to her, when she says "What will we name the child?"
The guy freaks and runs away.
So the second guy goes over to her and starts 'doing his thing' when
she says "What will we name the child?" He freaks out also and runs
away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and
goes to do his thing. When she says "What will we name the child?"
He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps
going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in
the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call
him Houdini."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
● Barack Obama says he's going to get to the inauguration by
train. This comes as a surprise to a lot of people who thought that
Obama was going to get to the inauguration by walking on water.
● Barack Obama's inauguration is coming around. Oprah says she
not only plans to attend, she is currently looking for a house to
buy in Washington, D.C. She reported that she found a nice little
cottage at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Texas Ted
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Warrior AK-47 Airsoft Rifle is an awesome toy for the holidays!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn Vol 157
The Christmas Story part 6
BJ and Diana wake up about 4:30 am Christmas day. They decide to
see if the dogs want in, they look outside and see......
in the swing Sandi on one side and Katie on the other of a man
wearing a red Santa Suit The kids are jabbering.
Katie: And and we saw the baby Jesus.. and and we saw a Christmas
miracle...
Sandi: And we saw...
Santa: So tell me Sandi, do you know and understand the meaning of
Christmas?
Sandi: Christmas is about Christ, about family, about giving our
most precious gift, it is about helping others less fortunate and
yet Christmas is more. It is the birthday of Jesus.
Santa: You finally have it Sandi. Good girl.
Santa pets Sandi on the head as she leans into him.
Santa: Katie you have been a very good girl this year. You deserve
something very special. How about this rawhide bone?
Katie: Wow! Thanks Santa.
Santa: This is my last stop. There is one thing in the sled yet.
Rutherford, here boy!
Sandi: I thought Rutherford was going to live in the country.
Santa: I had a talk with his masters and told them a boy on your
street needed a service dog so I got them one Rudy will be your dog
from now on if you want him in your family.
Sandi: Hooray!
Santa: I have thought about a present for you Sandi. You have had
the inquiring mind. You gave all you had, you sacrificed..
have this nice 28 oz steak just for you.
Sandi: Drool!
Santa: I left four presents upstairs for BJ, Diana, Miss Kitty and
Miss Callie. Two catnip toys, a new laptop and a Karaoke.
Katie: I don't think Daddy will like the catnip toys.
Santa: The laptop is for your father, the Karaoke is for your mother
and the catnips are for the cats.
Katie: Oh. Santa before you go could you rub behind my ears one
more time?
Santa: Sure Katie. I have to go. I will be back next year. By the
way keep them Kolumns coming girl and thanks for letting me borrow
your time machine, it helped with getting the gifts delivered.
Katie: Awwh!
Santa climbs aboard his sleigh and off he goes. BJ and Diana walk
outside and hug their pups. As they turn around, they see a large
star above their house.
BJ: Look at that will you! It is the same star that we saw in
Israel.
Diana: It is fading, now gone.. but we saw it.
Sandi: Merry Christmas Pops, Toots.
Katie: Merry Christmas Daddy, Mother.
Rutherford: Merry Christmas Mom, Dad, Sisters.
BJ/Diana: Merry Christmas doggies. Let's go in and have breakfast.
They all head for the house and Sandi asks: Can you cook this steak
for breakfast Mom?
The Herd in Guthrie wishes everyone a VERY MERRY CHRIST- MAS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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