Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Though I pause every November 10th to remember the Edmund
Fitzgerald,
it is only one of thousands of tragic accidents that have claimed
the
life of sailors on the Great Lakes. Because of the improvements in
ship construction and weather forecasting loss of life is now pretty
much those on fishing and pleasure craft but if we go back 100 years
or more the life of a ship and crew was indeed perilous when the "
Gales of November" struck. Those of you that watch The Weather
Channels Storm Stories with Jim Cantore last holiday season may have
seen the story of the Christmas Tree Ship, schooner Rouse Simmons.
The Simmons was a three masted Schooner that spent her summers
hauling lumber and goods between ports on Lake Michigan. Each year
around Thanksgiving she would make port near Manistique Michigan in
the Upper Peninsula and load thousands of pine and spruce Christmas
trees for the city of Chicago. Captain Herman Schuenemann, skipper
and owner of the Simmons sold his trees directly from the ship for
prices as low as a dollar and his habit of giving trees to the needy
had earned him the nickname of Captain Santa. He knew well the risks
of his trade as his own brother had died about fifteen years before
while bringing back another load of trees to Chicago but every thing
had its risks back then and the skipper hoped to make a profit in a
year when heavy snowfall had made trees hard to come by. On her way
South she was caught in a 60 mph gale and when seen off the
lifesaving station at Two Rivers Wisconsin her sails were tattered
and torn and she was foundering. A rescue team fought the waves but
were unable to rescue her crew of seventeen before she slipped below
the waves. Stories are told of those that have seen her as a ghost
ship floating on Lake Michigan and it is said if you visit the
captain's grave, which btw is empty, that you can smell the scents
of
Christmas trees coming from the grave. What happened to the crew? It
is said that a note was found on shore amongst the bundles of trees,
written by the first mate that said the whole crew had lashed
themselves together shortly before the boat sank. In a day without
survival suits and life jackets death from hypothermia occurs in
moments and they must have hoped to stay alive long enough for
rescuers to reach them.
Here are several links to sites about the Christmas Ship
Rouse Simmons Ship
http://voyage.
http://christmastre
Eva struck again yesterday as she left a note in ballpoint pen on
Buffy's laptop, nevermind the fact that I have told Buffy over and
over to close it when she leaves it unattended. Well Buffy had a
fit so I went on Google for a way to remove the ink. Even though
I have read that they warn people from using alcohol to clean the
screens with because it might damage the coating or make it yellow
it seems to have worked pretty well for a lot of people and using
a Q-tip limited the area we had to use it on. Eva's timeout was very
short and I hope Buffy finally learned a lesson.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parrot Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested
a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young
man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was
the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.
Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner
then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's
tune changed, and the air was filled
with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper
and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When
the
wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So
the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's
left
foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle
Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's
right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What
if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not
know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted
his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly
like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an
open fire...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Hiding
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Santa Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a
full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in
the
spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all
over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert
dragged his mother to the toy department in a big department store.
Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to
talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby
horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment,
Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and
forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after
a
quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock
for
a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored
her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make
promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the
hobby
horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.
Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama
out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's
mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate."
"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try." Santa,
with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's
eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his
mother's hand.
Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home,
Mama
asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent.
Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate
cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were.
Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What had Santa said?
Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able
to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great
deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had
used on Wilbert. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and
much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did
Santa say?
Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch,
if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this
second, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you!' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Santa Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I believe Santa Claus has to be Gay!
If you're not sure, look at some of these examples:
Christmas is a big, well organized, fully catered,
decorated, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social beverage
deal, and I have a tough time believing a
straight man could possibly pull it all off!
"Fairy lights". What about those over-the-top
decorations? A straight man
cannot even organize a matching shirt and tie!
Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have
time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a
bell all day. But if you're a Gay, out-of-work Actor/ Dancer/Waiter,
it's the perfect gig until you get your big break.
Also, if Santa was straight, he would have picked
an animal much more masculine than the reindeer
to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the
reindeer just happen to appeal to Santa's inherent
sense of grace and beauty.
Speaking of masculine, my dear, what about those
names for the reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
Vixen? You fill in the blanks.
Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons yet he's
never ever fathered a child with her. She's over-weight
and still content. Why I hear you ask? Can you say "Fag-hag"?
Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's Gay too!
Come on, you have thought about it too. "All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join
in
any reindeer games." As if he wanted to. Besides, isn't Rudolph
really only a metaphor for the Gay child living in a straight
society
anyway?
Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert
at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop
pretending you don't like it. Deep down inside, you've
always liked fruitcake.
Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one-night trip!
And his outfit?? Red velvet with a white, fur collar?
Black, knee high boots and a thick black patent leather
belt. Just the attire all straight men rush to buy!
Darling, just think about it!!! Physically, he's a dream
come true for the Chubby Chaser Club and the perfect
"Bear" poster child.
Also, with his love of giving gifts, Santa's the perfect
Sugar Daddy for all those old sad aging queens who
don't like to work!
Which straight man has ever thought of using
"stockings" to hide their candy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Christmas Story
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching
for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few
close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and
said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether
it's decorated or not!"
Dear Diary,
I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was when we
were first married. Yes, it's cliché but it's true. It was so bad
that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally
exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she
attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile
and
looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine
revelation. "Well," she said as her voice took on an ethereal
grace, "I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and
love I feel are manifested in my cooking, in my gardening, in our
children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well
if they are done soulfully and honestly." "Damn, baby," I said, my
head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to
me. "I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has
finally nailed the combination of Prozac, Lithium and Paxil!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served
him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night
my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later
on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I
wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds
like quite a gift to me."
"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home
to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."
"Another report says that the economic downturn is even
affecting prostitution. If things get any worse, men may
be forced to have sex with their wives.
That prostitution joke actually was from the Great Depression in the
1930s."
Myron
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Governor Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
To the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
Get packin', Rod Blagojevich
The state's in disarray
The Tribune wants you unemployed
At least by Christmas Day.
The TV pundits want your head
Could there be pay to play?
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy
Save Illinois !
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
Good riddance Rod Blagojevich
Your Elvis look's insane,
The Senate's mad, so's Lisa's dad.
You drive us all insane.
Our transit's broke, the state's a joke, The
Tollway's one big pain.
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy
Save Illinois !
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
Good luck old Rod Blagojevich
The feds have quite a place.
Fitzgerald's poked his nose around
And if he has a case,
George Ryan's moving stuff around
Creating extra space.
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy
Save Illinois !
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
Heather
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/ A Babe to A King
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R.I.P. Majel Barrett Roddenberry
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Fly Guy
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Christmas Graphics
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Christmas Games
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Hyper Gurl
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Movie Chips
CC
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Centrum Silver
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Chicks Playing Pool
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Chokes On You
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Christmas Songs The O.J. Way
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Canardx
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Candid Camera Russian Style
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Carrier Landing
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Cat
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Cat Bird
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old gentleman slowly approached the local brothel and pressed the
doorbell. The madam opened the door, looked at the old fellow with a
critical eye and then asked. "What can we do for you, sir?" "I need
a
girl," the senior citizen said. "For you, the charge is a hundred
dollars." "You're putting me on," he exclaimed. "That will be an
extra
ten dollars," said the madam.
In a Biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their
journey. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand
you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar,
in semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going onto to
add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class
burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as
she
realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather
implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class,
never to return. However, as she was going out of the door, the
professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered
her
question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for
sweetness
are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have
a
good day!"
Two gay guys are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by
underneath them. One says to the other, "What kind of ship is that?"
"Container ship," replies the other. "Okay, what's that one over
there?" "Oil Tanker." "How about that one?" "That's a ferry boat."
"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own
navy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
outside
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bubbles
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ghosts
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When You Really Need It
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Loud 'N Clear, the compact personal sound amplifier, allows you
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The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey Buff,
Dug this on out of my 'memory bank.'
I learned this one back in 47' or 48' -- As I grow older, I've come
to realize that the memory is a strange thing -- I forget what I go
into the kitchen for and yet I can remember a dirty poem from 50 -
51 years ago. Hmmmm... ?
BTY - keep up the good work. Really look forward to your daily
clean/adult joke lists. Most of your 'military' stories, along with
your weather repots from your area are a 'boot'. You and the family
take care and have a safe and Merry Christmas.
-
Ken, from GALT, CA.
-
-
'THE GROOVING OF DAN McGREW' - [R]
-
A bunch of the boys were hooping it up in one of the Yukon Halls,
The kid who handled the music box, was steadily scratching his
balls.
-
The Fargo Kid has his hand on the box of a certain gal named Lou,
And there on the floor, on top of a whore, lay 'Dangerous Dan
McGrew.'
-
Now, out of the night, black as bitch and into the 'den' in the
smoke,
Came a musty old prick, just in from the creek, with a rusty old
load in his poke.
-
He shouldered his way through the flea bitten crowd, as he clutched
the crouch of his pants.
He acted like a man with the dose of the 'clap' and the last stage
of the 'St. Vitas' dance.
-
In ragged clothes he stood ready to 'hose' any bitch that came his
way,
He dangled his 'dong' with his talloned hand, and he howled that he
wanted to play.
-
His trousers were split and covered with spit, that hung like the
white of an egg,
His balls hung low and swung to and fro, each time he moved his leg.
-
His face was as red a a baboons ass, as the passion within him
burned,
He lunged out his jock, to display to the flock, and everyone's
asshole squirmed.
-
The lights went out and I ducked to the floor, as the stranger
sprang in the dark,
His aim was true and the sparks sure flew, as his 'donnicker' found
its mark.
-
With might and main and a howl of pain, a man's voice filled the
room,
With sighs and moans and cries and groans, three forms lay stretched
in the gloom.
-
The lights came on and the 'stranger' rose, with a satisfied look on
his pan,
<br>And there on the floor, with his
'asshole' tore, lay 'Cornholed,' Dangerous Dan
-
--author unknown
Submitted by:
Ken Poirier -- (c. 1948)
kennymouse.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Queensland*
A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so
the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a
local
pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The
owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex.
The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey,
pulled
in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct
number.
The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it
was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Blue replied, "No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged -- my Missus won
twice last week."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young
woman who was pretty and intelligent. Later, aftr he persuaded
her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb
body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable
to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower
into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe,
her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while
she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection. Looking down at this, he snarled,
"Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they
call you a prick!"
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn Vol 153
The Honeymoon (part 2) to be renamed the Christmas Story
Sandi: Pops! Look at that bright star!
BJ: Huh, hey Diana you are dressed funny.
Katie: You to father.
Diana: We all seem to be wearing outfits from a long time ago.
Kind of what we think as shepherds would wear back several thousand
years ago.
Sandi: Pops, you look cute in a dress.
BJ: Grrr. Let's go see where that bright star is heading.
Katie: Sniff, sniff.
BJ: What is the matter girl?
Katie: The singing is so beautiful. I have never heard such voices.
BJ: What singing? Diana: Remember dogs have much better hearing
than we do... listen.
Sandi: I hear it to.
BJ: Me to, they are singing in another language yet I understand the
words. How is that possible?
Sandi: I think it is the language of Heaven.
Katie: Come on just over the hill and let's see where the star is
going.
Over the hills the four go, walking, talking and even laughing.
When the foursome top the hill they are taken aback.
Katie: There is a light coming from that building!
Sandi: I need to go there.
BJ: We do not know if it is safe.
Sandi: I know it is safe. Follow me.
The group head to the small building. Other shepherds are there,
along with some local people. In some straw a mother is holding her
newborn baby. Sandi walks up to the child, ears back and head down.
Sandi bows to the baby then with all the love she has in her, gently
licks the face of the baby. She turns with tears in her eyes.
Sandi: I do not know what is going on. Why we are here. But here
is where I am and this is the most important day of my life.
Katie: Waah! I am so happy.
Diana: I do not understand what is going on, but I know where we
are.
BJ: Let's see what happens.
To be continued The herd in another place and time
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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