Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I drove past an Admiral Station the other day and the price for
unleaded was 1.61. I drove past the same station today and the
price was 1.78. Usually they will lie and say it was because of
refinery workers going on holiday or OPEC reduced production,
but there is actually a glut of oil and tankers that no one will
unload. This is just blatant, we know you are going to drive over
the
holidays and we are going to make a profit. If that isn't price
gouging, than what is? Fortunately the Suburban has a 35 gallon
gas tank which at 12-17 miles a gallon means I can get anywhere
in this state and back on less than a tank of gas.
I ventured to Wal-mart today with my herd in tow. I got Buffy new
frames for her glasses and Sandy's glasses came in UPS while
we were waiting. While they were being waited on I went through
the store and bought a new desk chair and some underwear and
went back to the GMC to wait while they went to Dollar Tree. About
an hour later they wandered back in and we stopped at KFC for
supper and headed home. Buffy dragged the chair in and Eva helped
me put it together mostly by picking up whatever I dropped on the
floor and placing bolts in all of the holes. Eva seems to be able
to understand the concept of tightening and loosening bolts and
pulling pins and stuff as she kept bringing me the closer off of the
screen door all summer. Fortunately most fasteners are too tight
and the tools put away or she would have everything taken apart.
After I got the chair together Eva got to be spun in a couple dozen
times which she got a kick out of and then she played in the box for
the chair for an hour.
I was disappointed about the traffic to the movies today and figured
that it was because everyone was away from their computers for the
holidays. Then about 2300 our biggest newsletter showed up in my
inbox about 16 hours after I mailed it. Yahoo has a blockage
somewhere
and it may slow things up for a few days. Sorry.
Enjoy the chips, Santa is ready for take-off ... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Annoying Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
7 Ways To Annoy At Christmas
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth
chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is
coming to town..."
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal
and sharp objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain
about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best
parts first.
6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little
baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow
man and this poem:
'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop
All you get is the snowman's poop!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Christmas Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Your Husband Really Wants For Christmas
1. Trim his tree.
2. Lick his luscious candy cane.
3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.
4. Polish his Christmas balls.
5. Ride him like a reindeer.
6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.
7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.
8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.
9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.
10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!
11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.
12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingerie.
13. Unwrap his package.
14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.
15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.
16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.
17. Heat him up with a snow job.
18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.
19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.
20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Excuse Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Please excuse me from this speeding ticket. My wife ran off with
a state policeman and when I saw your flashing lights I didn't stop
because I thought you might be the trooper who is trying to bring
her back to me.
2. When I was 16 I was pulled over for running a yellow light. When
the officer (male) asked why I had done it, I replied without
thinking. "My dog was neutered today and I have to get home and
check him out." Needless to say, I didn't get a ticket that day."
3. I was driving Braille in a old VW bug coming home from San
Francisco late one night with a friend and we had been drinking. A
California Highway Patrol car stopped us and asked why my car was
swaying back and forth and if I had been drinking. I told him that
the front-end of my car was in really bad shape and couldn't help
driving like that. I told him I had one drink and wasn't drunk. He
gave me a sobriety test and somehow I passed and he believed my
story. He turned to the other patrolman and said..." I told you he
probably had something wrong with his front-end." Then he let me
drive on home. There wasn't anything wrong with my car!
4. Oh, officer, I've been living in Germany for so many years that
I forgot how to read the signs in miles per hour. I sure am glad to
be home and have someone remind me! He let me go with a warning.
5. Oh, I know what happened, my brother told me that he had some
really good tires for my old car here, but they were a little bit
bigger than the old ones. That must have thrown off the
cruise-control, because I had it set at 67 mph, like usual." I was
scolded for trying to go two miles over the speed limit, and let go.
6. This guy was driving down the freeway and was stopped by the
California Highway Patrol for talking on his cell phone, shaving
with his electric razor and steering the car with his elbow all at
the same time!
7. A guy was driving down a country road, at night, in a
convertible and he heard a loud noise in the back of his car.
Apparently a deer was jumping out of the bush into the road and
landed in the back seat of his car. Needless to say the man was very
startled and was lucky not to get into an accident.
8. A guy hit a deer and thought he killed it. Thinking that it
would be good eating, he put the deer in the back of his car. The
deer was only stunned and when it woke up it started to kick the
driver tried to bite him. He pulled over with the deer still stuck
in his car. As he was walking to a near by phone booth to call for
help, a dog started to chase him and trapped him in the phone booth
where he had to call the police and explain his troubles.
9. This excuse I have actually used and it worked. I had gotten
pulled over for speeding, and I told the cop I had dropped a
cigarette in my lap, and while lifting my butt up to retrieve it, I
must have inadvertently pushed down on the gas pedal...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Santa Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa's Pet Peeves
Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and
not booze.
When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch".
Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from
your hip flask.
Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since
he got back from 'Nam.
Lap rash.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIGNS OF TROUBLE IN SANTA'S MARRIAGE
10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange
students.
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear."
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed.
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized
holiday Barbie.
6. His new live-in person elf valet, Steve.
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New
Jersey.
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake
because he's bugged the bedroom.
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings
the elves their morning coffee.
2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of
the fireplace.
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Warning Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't go to the bathroom on December 28th.!
CIA intelligence reports that a major attack plot is planned for
that day.
Anyone who takes a poop on the 28th will be bitten on the
ass by an alligator.
Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to
rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them on
the ass when they are doing their business.
I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information
from a reliable source......
It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating
this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows
this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from and this guy
knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mail
room worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells
drugs to another mail room worker who works in the CIA building.
He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom
about alligators and came to the conclusion that we're
going to be attacked.
So it must be true!!
Pass this on to all on your mail list and you'll be
thanked by them for saving their asses!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
The Christmas Tree Angel
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THE SANDS OF CHRISTMAS
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Carolyn w/ Next Christmas
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Christmas Kiss
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Christmas Trees & More-Tree Types
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Dickens' Christmas Page
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Making Hard Cidar
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
New Year Tags
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Secrets of Meta Tags
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Doggie Zone
A doggy Christmas surprise Via Mary
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Kitty Korner
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Movie Chips
Hard at the Beach
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Harley Ad
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Harsh Laws
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Herbal Elements For Men
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Finalized MTG Minutes
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First Day At The Rifle Range
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First IT Consultant
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Fishing Boat
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Car Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to
buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he
wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn
that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He
thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door
he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two
years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be
two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts
out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years
from now the car will arrive?"
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and
says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway
though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the
salesman.
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that
will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning,
or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another
time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years
from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that
morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few;
So she walked out her door
With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed -- with the flu!
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
And All Through The House
Everybody Felt Shitty
Even The Mouse.
Dad's At the Whorehouse
And Mom's Smoking Grass
I'd Just Settled Down
For A Warm Piece Of Ass.
When Out On The Lawn
I Heard Such A Clatter
I Sprung For My Piece
To See What Was The Matter.
Then Out On The Lawn
I Saw A Big Red Dick. I Knew
In A Moment It Must
Be Saint Nick.
He Came Down The Chimney
Like A Bat Out Of Hell
I Knew In A Moment
The Fucker Had Fell.
He Filled All Our Stockings
With Pretzels And Beer
And A Big Rubber Dick
For My Brother The Queer.
He Shot Up The Chimney
With A Thunderous Fart
The Son Of A Bitch
Blew The Chimney Apart.
He Swore And He Cursed
As He Rode Out Of Sight
Piss On You All
And Have A Hell Of A Night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called
on and
answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously,
blurted
out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a
response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He
finally
gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert
said,
"Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom
door, and
yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 10 signs that you are married to a cop....
10. When an argument starts.....he calls for backup.
9. Refers to the bedroom as "The Pokey."
8. Calls passing gas the "silent alarm."
7. Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie.
6. Lots of references to the "old night stick."
5. Never hear him say "Oh man.....not donuts again!"
4. Refers to his winkie as the "Breathalyzer"
3. Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know
how fast you were going.
2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.
and the number one sign you are married to a cop......
1. Yes, that *is* a gun in his pocket!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Comfort Column Vol 158
Christmas, an Epilogue
BJ: Katie, Sandi, did you talk with Jesus and if so what you talk
about?
Katie: I asked Him if you, Mom, Sandi and I would be together after
we get old and die.
BJ: And?
Katie: He said we never die, just our body quits working. He
promised we would all be together and play and love and have fun for
ever.
BJ: Wow, and you Sandi?
Sandi: I asked Him what Heaven was like. He just spread His arms
out and turned around and said: This is Heaven and this will be
Heaven.
Where you family is and where I am is Heaven.
BJ: That is awesome.
Diana: Group hug!
A lot of sniffling.
The Herd in Guthrie P.S. My gift to all is in the writing of this
story. I had many tears while writing it. I put myself in the
story. I was in the manger, I saw the Baby. I tried, in my humble
way, to paint with words, the true meaning of Christmas. We give
gifts like God gave us the gift of life and of His Son. I reflect
upon this time of year and the meaning of Peace on Earth and good
will towards men. Sandi played the part of the innocent, the child
in each of us. Yes, wise men still seek Him. It is with great
sadness that this story ends. However, the larger story is repeated
each year. Merry Christmas one and all!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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