Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
From the archives for the dog lovers in the group.
From Jlona and Philip Richey at http://www.tracksof
Long ago in the deepest of winters all of the animals on Earth were
abuzz with the news. "HE IS BORN! HE IS BORN!" cried the snowy owl.
"Come one and all, rejoice!" roared the mighty lion. "Bring gifts to
the new King!" The forest grew bright with the din of excitement.
Every creature was running towards the star. The noise was so loud
and joyful that it traveled distant lands.
In a quiet glen, under a bramble bush, a small lonely dog raised his
head from his slumber and heard the sounds from afar. He raised his
little head and wondered. Slowly he raised his tired body and
sniffed the air. He knew something was amiss - but he knew not what.
A voice ever so sweet was singing in the distance, this he could
hear. The words were not at all clear, but the sound was of
waterfalls, and misty mornings and everything dear...
Eagerly he followed the sound and soon saw a star. It shone so
brightly his little eyes watered. What was this shiny thing that
happily glowed? What could be happening that would bring about such
a lovely sight? His little legs beat the path for many days. He
became tired and hungry but still he walked on. He had to follow the
sound of that voice. The voice that reminded him of warmer and
kinder times. He had to follow the light of the star. The star told
him of happy things to come.
At last he came into a clearing and his eyes beheld a mystifying
sight. Animals were everywhere, and each had a precious gift. Some
brought shiny berries from the forest, some brought beautiful
leaves, some brought twigs from the rarest of trees and even some
brought the most precious wildflowers of the fields. They were
laying these gifts at the entrance of a stable.
Above the stable the light of the star twinkled more brightly than
before. He turned to the deer and asked: "What is all this? Where
have I come?"
"You have come to see the new King. He is Born. Where are your gifts
for the child?" asked the deer reproachfully.
"I have no gifts..I didn't know..." said the lonely little dog with
his head hung low.
The deer sneered and snubbed and quickly walked away as he tossed
his head indignantly. The little dog's body trembled all over, his
little tail flew between his little legs, and his little head hung
lower than ever. He was ashamed. And yet...he still wanted to get a
little peek at the New King.
Quietly, ever so carefully, he crept over to the stable. He
was so small he could easily hide under the other animals. Ever so
sleekly he crept up to the manger and peeked inside.
"WHO ARE YOU!" boomed the voice of the Lion. "WHY DO YOU DARE NOT
BRING GIFTS FOR THE NEW KING?"
The little dog cowered, much humbled. He laid his little head at the
foot of the manger and hid his eyes. He was ready to be killed by
the Lion, and yet he spoke ever so quietly, ever so meekly, ever so
bravely: "I have no gifts, I have no berries, or twigs, or bright
flowers of the field...all I have is my life and I will gladly give
that, for I have shamed all my brethren tonight.
He waited - with his eyes closed, thinking that if he did die
tonight, at least he would die beneath the cradle of his King.
That's when a warm and gentle hand was upon him. He did not dare to
open his eyes, until he heard a woman's voice speak:
"Do not fear little one. You are safe here. This bramble in your fur
speaks of the gift you have brought to him."
The lonely little dog opened his eyes and looked up at the woman.
"But I have no gift to offer, save for myself, and that is very
little..."he shyly protested.
The woman smiled and scratched his ears. "Little dog, you traveled
far to see the King..that is gift enough when it comes from your
heart. What gift is more precious than one given in innocence and
humility? No little one, you are welcome here." As she spoke she
raised the little dog up.
"Behold, your King, the Son of Man. You shall serve him well."
And the baby smiled. So it came to pass and dog was lonely no more.
And dog has served man ever since, loyal to a fault, and humble he
remains.
A gift from God to us, for who, but dog will travel miles without
explanation?
Who, but dog will cower from you even if he is not wrong?
Who, but dog will take a scolding even when he is not to blame?
Who, but dog is content to die at our feet if he so must?
Let us care for it well.
I want to wish all my friends far and near a very Merry Christmas!!!
Author unknown
Enjoy the Chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Coffee Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A co-op in Germany ordered Co-op coffee from Inter-Provincial
Co-operatives Ltd. While the coffee was enroute, a few bags split
open, making it
possible for rats to nest in them. The German Co-op sent the
following
letter to Inter-Provincial Co-op Ltd.
Herr John Kronk,
Hinterprovincial Ko-Operatives Ltd,
Vinnipeg, Manitobas.
Schentlements,
Der last two pecketches ve got from you of koffee vas mitt
rattschidt gemix. Der koffee may be gute, but der durds scboils der
taste. Ve did not see der rattschidt in der zemple vitch you send
us.
It make zo mutch time to pick der rattdurds from der koffee, dat itz
hardly
wirt it. Ve
order der koffee klean but you schipt schidt mett it. It vas a
miztake, ja?
Ve like you to
schip us der koffee in vun zack und der rattschidt in annuder; den
ve mix it
to suit der customer.
Write please if ve shud schip der schidt bek und keep der koffee, or
if ve
shud keep der schidt
und schip der koffee bek, or schip der hole schidten works bek?
Ve vant to do rite in dis madder, but ve don't like all dis
rattschidt
bisness.
Mitt Mutch Respects,
Karl Gummenschidt, Mgr.,
Deutchland Ko-op Ltd.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Ozzy Osbourne: The early days http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
Off The Mark
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Instant Asshole
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drinking Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Drinker's Alphabet
A- Alcohol: The key to surviving High School or College
B- Beer: It's what's for dinner...and breakfast and lunch
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after last
night's party
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks
pathetic
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your
drinking party
F- Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts
out
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, stripping and chugging beers
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much
you drank
I- Idiot: What you look like after doing a lap dance on fat kid
after just three beers
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or
stagger home at 5 am
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving
alcohol
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too dollar draft nite
at the bar
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you
don't know...again
O- Oh shit!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking
beer
Q- Quit: What you promise to do after spending the nite in jail with
Bertha the Bearded Transvestite
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in
the toilet
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you
were drunk... aww yea
T- Twenty-one: Usually the age where you reach your peak of drinking
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in town
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god.
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
(detox).
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend.
Z- Zima: Zomething Different...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Man Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
25 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU A REAL MAN.....
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her
hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it
to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning
the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting
and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of
other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint
with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even
an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been
partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical
evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?"
Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for
you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in
line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-
that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't
mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pssed. However,
the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to
the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations,
you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, BandQ would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look
with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher
do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have
toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we
can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting
on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you
didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
haemorrhage"
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are
you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh|t.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C*** - and punching him on the shoulder.
Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while
you were in hospital".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Dating Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dictionary Of Dating
ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
LOVE AT1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy
to
get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like
in
the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating
repulsive men.
EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a
man.
EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has
some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
to by
the
man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do
all the
talking.
IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months
together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Head Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman has just given birth to her son, but the Doctor won't
let her see him. "I'm afraid", says the Doctor, "that he's a litle
disabled..." But the woman, her mind filling with love for her new
son, demands to see him. Sure enough, the Doctor shows her her baby
-
a handsome, healthy boy - but - just a head. He has no body.... "I
know he's lacking in some limbs," , says the Doctor, " (like all
four), but he is a minor miracle - he is in perfect health..." So,
the woman and her husband take him home, call him 'Eddie', and set
about building a normal, healthy family life.
Ediie's first, second, third and fourth birthdays come and go
without
a
hitch.
Then comes his fifth. His mother is looking for him to come and open
his birthday present. "Where's Eddie?", she asks her husband. "Oh,
he's having a roll in the garden". She goes into the garden, and
shouts "Eddie, Eddie!" "What Mum?" "It's your birthday, Eddie" "I
know Mum" "Don't you want to come and open your present?" "Oh fuck
off. It'll only be another hat."
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Wicked Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy who worked with my brother was transferred to the city where I
live. My brother called me and said this guy had cerebral palsy and
would need to hire some people to help him unload his van and
trailer when he got there. My brother asked if I had any ideas of
where his co-worker might find some day workers to help.
The Salvation Army had just had an article in the daily paper about
a new program they had to get people down-and-out on their luck some
day jobs. I told that to my brother and he said he`d tell the guy
who was transferring.
Later that day my brother called back to say he happened to hear his
co-worker, who was using a speaker phone, call the Salvation Army in
my city. He had dialed the number I provided. Someone answered his
call and said, "Salvation Army."
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
He said, "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night and please
send a couple of wickedly strong guys to help me move-in to my new
apartment on Friday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
Music In My Soul
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Melva/Gayle
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The Peace Of God
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Lean On Me
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Surfin Surfari
Name That Song
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Celebrities A-Z, before the fame
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Automatic Transmission Quiz
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American Chopper
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Website Midis
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3D Generator
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FancyLadyRiders Signautres
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
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Kitty Korner
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Movie Chips
How Italians tell the time
http://www.buffalos
How Ugly Girls Get To Dance
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HPDTstop2
http://www.buffalos
hyper dude
http://www.buffalos
Ketchup Effect
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knee in package
http://www.buffalos
leno police
http://www.buffalos
Love that chair_
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gesto de amor1
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good suction
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goldfish water ballet
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granny air bag
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hammered
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handyman_1
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I cant dance
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If
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ticket Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does
a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket.
The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question.
If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!" "Agreed!"
answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear
in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a car!" "Sure! But,
what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?",
says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket. "Wait! Give me
another chance!" begs the guy. "Okay, but this is your last chance!
You fail to answer - you get the ticket!" "Fair enough." "You're
driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!" "Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is
it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?" "How the hell should I know!"
answered the guy, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket!"
responded the officer. "Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a
question too then." "Go ahead" "You see a bare breasted woman
standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks
the guy. "Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"
"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your
sister? Is it your daughter?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
personal
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when pigs fly
http://www.thepostm
postman trainee
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Hell
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End Of The Rainbow
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T-shirt Saying
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If continence causes neurosis
And intercourse causes thrombosis
I'd rather expire
Fulfilling desire
Than live in a state of psychosis.
A handsome young woman named Hannah,
Did wild, wet things with a banana.
Her legs spread wide
The banana inside
And her audience shouting "Hosanna!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loud 'N Clear, the compact personal sound amplifier, allows you
to listen to low-volume sounds clearly and comfortably.
The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed
to look like an expensive cell phone ear piece.
Additional Ordering Details:
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to
test the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.
On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with
her.
"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you
toze bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."
"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds
of times."
"Ahhhhh, but of course" shrugged the Frenchman. "But...from ze
inside?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
PASTA N MORE - The Amazing New 5-in-1 Pasta Cooker!
Cook, Drain and Serve All In One!
Pasta N More is made of certified materials, fits in any microwave,
its dishwasher safe and makes dinner for 1 or a family of 9. The
unique design swirls the water and not the pasta quickly cooking it
to a perfect al dente texture! Youll receive the air-tight storage
lid to keep left-overs fresh and perfect for saving, storing or
reheating meals in an instant.
Offer includes!
* Pasta Pot
* 2 Handles
* Strainer Lid
* Steam Rack
* Storage Lid
* Cookbook
BONUS COLOR CODED KNIVES WHEN YOU ORDER TODAY
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Years ago during the battle of Britain (a small island off mainland
Europe for you chaps reading in the states!) a famous French (From
the noun France meaning a bigger country on mainland Europe situated
close to Britain!) fighter pilot had evaded capture by the Germans
and was now the RAF's (Royal Air Force
chaps) top flying ace. having come back from one harrowing sortie,
Herve (pronounced Ur - vay) the sole surviving member of the
squadron crash landed his damaged & smoking spitfire on the grass
runway..
"Fuel up another one" shouts Herve "I fight the dreaded Germans on
my own"
He duly got into a new plane flew across the channel (a sea between
Britain & France) and when over northern France encountered a large
squadron of German planes. Throwing caution to the wind Herve lined
them up in his sights and dived into attack.
He was promptly, unsurprisingly, shot down and crashed in a farmers
field.
Climbing from the smoking wreckage Herve is confronted by an angry
farmer brandishing a shotgun and threatening to "blow his German
head off". (the French fought the Germans in WW2 and were on "our
side").
"non non" says Herve "I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and
have been shot down you idiot farmer"
The fame of Herve had even spread to this little farm in northern
France and now reassured the farmer was delighted. Taking Herve's
flight bag in one hand and supporting the tired Herve with the other
the farmer led our intrepid hero back to his simple farm house for
some warming food and a glass of wine (this is an alcoholic drink
favoured in France. It has absolutely no relation to similarly
labeled drinks sold in the US - it is actually rather pleasant).
On entering the house the farmer introduces Herve to his wife and
his beautiful blonde 18-year-old daughter Nicole. After a fabulous
meal and a few more glasses of real wine, the farmer announces that
it is time for bed. But there was one problem, there were only 2
bedrooms, one for the farmer & his wife the other for Nicole (the
lovely young daughter - concentrate)
Herve swore on his honour that he would not lay a finger on Nicole
and could be trusted to share her bed for the night before escaping
the next day across the channel to Blighty (AKA Britain see comment
line one).
Needless to say that no sooner had Herve closed the bedroom door he
jumped the lovely young Nicole.
"Oh Herve, kiss me! kiss me!" cries Nicole
Herve reaches into his flight bag and brings out a bottle of Merlot
(see previous comment on wine) and splashes it on Nicole's lips.
"What are you doing, Herve?" says the startled Nicole.
"I am Herve, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat,
I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Nicole says,
"Herve, kiss me lower."
Herve tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay from his
flight bag and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Herve! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Nicole.
"I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat,
I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Nicole leans close to his ear and whispers, "Herve, kiss me lower!"
Herve, grabs a bottle of Brandy (a highly combustible alcoholic
drink made from grapes and much stronger than Budweiser) and pours
it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Nicole shrieks as she bats out her flaming bush then shouts angrily
at Herve,
"Herve, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
To which Herve replies,
"I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go
down in flames!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Warrior AK-47 Airsoft Rifle is an awesome toy for the holidays!
Your kids and loved ones will have hours of fun and competition.
With plastic BB's, its fun and safe to see who has the best shot! It
comes complete with scope, laser sight, adjustable bipod and
detachable sport stock. The laser sight makes this a sure fire
winner! This toy gun shoots fast and accurate at approximately 200
FPS. The Warrior AK-47 Airsoft Spring Sniper Rifle is a full size
rifle and even comes with safety glasses and a starter pack of BBs.
Click here to hear more or buy now:
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 844
Repeat the Sounding Joy
Ring Ring Ring
BJ: Hello!
Diana: I need for you to get home as soon as possible.
BJ: Is there something wrong?
Diana: Well, yes and no. The dogs are driving me crazy.
BJ: Are they tearing anything up?
Diana: No, just me...you will see when you get home.
later BJ arrives home...Diana appears frazzled...the dogs
are singing,,,
"Repeat the sounding joy"
"Repeat the sounding joy"
"Repeat the sounding joy"
"Repeat the sounding joy"
"Repeat the sounding joy"
"Repeat the sounding joy"
Diana: That is all the words they know to the song. They sound
like a brken record. All day long they keep singing it over and
over.
"Repeat the sounding joy"
"Repeat the sounding joy"
"Repeat the sounding joy"
"Repeat the sounding joy"
BJ: I can stop them.
BJ goes over to the stove and takes out a pork chop and
tosses it on the floor.
"Repeat the....chomp, chomp chomp...
BJ: Okay guys, Christmas is over, it is time to start thinking
about the next Holiday and it's song.
Katie: Which is?
BJ: Oops, it requires a bagpipe.
Rudy: Got one!
Diana: I have the words to the song....Here study it for New Year.
Sandi: Hmmm, let old aquaintence .... mmmm de hmmm..
Kind of catchy tune.
Katie: I might get my kilt out for this one. But first we need to
practice on Happy Birthday.
BJ: Gulp!
Diana: Yeah, you can qualify for social security dad.
BJ: Thud!
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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