Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Price of gas is down to 2.78 which is better but still makes us
the most expensive in the state. Downstate prices are about
40% lower. You know there has got to be some people who
are really upset after they dumped their SUV or Pick-up for
a lot less than blue book value or for what they owed on it in
some cases, believing that gas prices would be over 5.00
at year's end permanently.
Went out after the doctor's appointment this morning I went out
and bought Halloween candy for approximately 40 trick or treaters
which is double what we normally have stop by. Last year we had
way to much candy of the wrong kind. I had bought a lot of candy
bars and a couple of those big bags of gum, Sweet Tarts, and
Smarties. The candy bars that weren't given out went quickly and
then there was two bowls of candy left the Eva would haul all over
the house and dump and Sandy had to pick it up several times a day
till we finally either tossed it or hid it in a cupboard somewhere.
This year it is all top 5 candy bars and I have to guard the bag to
make sure the Butterfingers don't disappear.
Eva doesn't like Joe Biden. Give a toddler anything resembling a
phone and they will have a conversation on it for an hour. Even
better
is a phone with someone talking on it even if it's only a recording.
Eva loves to talk to telemarketers and poll takers and this morning
when a Joe Biden recording was rattling on I handed Eva the phone.
She listened for about 5 seconds and handed it back to me without
saying a word. Sorry Joe I just don't think you are doing well in
the 2
to 3 year old group.
Enjoy the chips..... buffalo
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Random Chips
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Wanna know why I refer to my ex wife as Federal Express? Because
when
she goes to a guy's house, it's absolutely, positively guaranteed
that
she'll be there overnight.
Every Amish woman's private fantasy is two Mennonite.
The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test
on
male anatomy on which the girls did poorly. "I don't understand why
you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded
into you all semester.
My ex came into the bedroom one night holding a jalapeno pepper in
his
hand. I asked him why he would bring pepper to our bedroom? He told
me
that we needed to spice up our love life!
Why was Bill Clinton so upset during the primary season?
If he had known 10 years ago how good Hillary would be at
blowing the
presidency, he wouldn't have needed Monica.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Car Is Fixed
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Ill Steer
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Oh Wait
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Beard
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Test Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leaving Certificate Ordinary Level Examination Paper.
SEXISM STUDIES
************
A stiflingly hot afternoon, June 1998
Time allowed 3 hrs.
Attempt all questions.
If you do not know the answer to a particular question attempt to
look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor
and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it. You are
allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on
the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to spook
the other candidates into thinking that you must have wrote loads.
Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of
into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough
to make the invalidator jump. With three minutes to go, suddenly
realise there are 4 more questions on the back of the page that you
haven't spotted.
Section A (50%)
1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't
stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your
answer:
a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight
b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the
match, though.
2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs.
Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits
for recreational purposes.
3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful
for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why
all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.
4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have
watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the
weekend. a)Sex Boat b)Three Into One Will Go c)King Dong d)Speared
by Zulu Lovers
5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.
Section B (50%)
1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What
apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a
fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation
to describe the reaction.
2. Name something a woman has invented.
3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their
pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making
reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor
granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he
retired.
4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini
Diablo and the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let
alone driven, either.
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Internet Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners
Q. What's a FAQ ?
A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"
Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?
A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.
Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the
popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL,
CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc,
which will give you their program disks for free. Or,
if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak
in some night and install their programs on your
computer when you're sleeping. They are really
desperate for your business with them.
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A.The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer
experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information
they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card
bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us
have been trying for years to cancel our on-line
service accounts, but no matter what we do, the
charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of
entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet
account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal
organs over to the on-line service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do
once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end to the number of things you can do!
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of
people all over the entire globe, you can chat with
total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to
chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and
some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens,
Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who
Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless
Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain
anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names
such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will l know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people
of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from
scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from
actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost
anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers,
scientists, singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around the
fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the
chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic
is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed
13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other
13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the
repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area
dialogue (Do not read this scintillating repartee while operating
heavy machinery.)
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
(LONGISH PAUSE)
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting
hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at
any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network
information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat
areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy
messages to each other, back and forth, back and
forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster
and faster and hotter and harder and harder until
OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a
bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.
Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.
Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly
( Continued below)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Internet Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS
(LONGISH PAUSE)
HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,
umm, your...
HunniBunni:Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching
them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your
entire nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU
ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!
Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING
BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST
INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY
MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION
PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL
YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE
WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote
in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT??
YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE
FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni: Whoops
Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the
Internet?
A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein
people, by posting messages, discuss political topics
of the day.
Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.
Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example,
fans post messages about how much they love Barry
Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages
about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And
then sometimes the forum is invaded by people
posting messages about how much they hate Barry
Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter
messages and vicious name-calling that can go on
for months.
Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.
Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.
Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all
titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific
discussions that expand the frontiers of human
understanding.
Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. Indeed it is.
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Light Chips
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A man with a fetish for very large women walks into
a brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I want
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shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head -
'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.'
He is shown another, even more enormous woman.
'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give
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biggest woman who works in the brothel. She is
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He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presently
is on top of her going about satisfying his sexual
desires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning,
he suddenly stops and says to the woman -
'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?' to
which the woman replies
'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me
unattractive.
'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive
woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my ass!'
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Little Johnny Chips
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Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in
the class what their parents did for a living.
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my Mommy is an architect."
"Great," said the teacher.
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Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he
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LynnLynn's Links
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Poopy Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
While standing in the Wal-mart check out lane, I
congratulated myself on a trouble free shopping trip. I had
successfully filled my cart with the vital necessities such as
diapers, Tylenol, karo syrup, paper plates, and a 1 lb bag of M&M's.
Once I had tied my toddler's shoestrings together he had given up,
after only two unsuccessful attempts, trying to climb out of the
cart. There had been no screaming and the escape door to the parking
lot was just a few feet away. It is these small victories that make
parenthood worthwhile.
Then it happened.
A larger sized woman in what could only be described as a colourful
house coat was in line in front of us. The store was not busy and an
odd silence filled the discount city. I could only assume the woman
had an unfortunate medical condition or perhaps an extra large
chilli burrito for lunch. Regardless a sound erupted from beneath
her frock that can only gracefully be described as passing gas. With
a vengeance.
Not a butt whisper. Not a rectal rumble. Not a delicate
little pooter. Nothing so refined.
Being the classy and reserved woman I am, I arched an
eyebrow ever so slightly and looked the other direction. I resisted
the urge to pull back my cart slightly, fearful of the gentle
wafting of noxious fumes.
My son was not so tactful. The very second the sound drifted towards
his ear, he reacted with a huge grin. His entire body literally
perked up. I cringed inwardly knowing something very bad was about
to occur.
"Oooo mommy, fawt!" he announced happily. And loudly.
Why did I ever wish for him to be able to speak?
I very quietly hushed him and made a desperate grab for the M&M's,
thrusting them into his tiny hands. But my efforts were futile.
One of the odd things about my particular crotchling was he mastered
the art of imitating sounds long before his expressive language
skills ever kicked in. He could uh-oh with Teletubbies at 10 months,
repeat coughing patterns at 11 months, and had a wonderful fake
sneeze sound by his first birthday. The raspberry noise was among
the first he perfected. Admittedly certain people (not me, of
course) may have inadvertently encouraged this skill early on, with
hysterical laughter and unspoken praise. He wasted no time in
showing it off in this new venue.
"Ptthtthhhbbbbbt,
fawt mommy." This was repeated approximately two dozen times, with
loud raucous giggles in between. Most of the giggles were from him.
I reacted in the only appropriate way possible. I turned to
the rack of magazines and completely ignored him, hoping by chance
people surrounding us might assume he was shopping alone.
The woman turned around as she left with her bags, glaring
at me. I shrugged helplessly with a semi apologetic smile.
"Some parents should teach their children manners," she muttered.
As she walked off I wondered briefly why I felt humiliated. After
all, it was not I who had let a huge one rip in the middle of a
shopping center. Certainly this woman could understand the
irresistible position she had put my darling precocious child in. I
had just worked myself into a state of semi self righteous
indignation, still ignoring my demon spawn, when tragedy struck
again.
I have to assume this was a remarkable coincidence or
perhaps a cruel twist of fate. The kiddo had quieted and I was
writing my check, when yet another sound arose up. It was
reverberating, it was obtrusive, and it was juicy. It was a series
of multiple tones. It was vulgar in a showy sort of way. It was also
coming from my son's diaper.
The smell hit instantly and seemed to delight my crotchling even
further.
"Poopy," he told the cashier proudly. Thanks for the update, not one
among us could have guessed from the unbearable stench surrounding
you.
I briefly considered leaving him in the store, but sprinted
for the car instead. I crossed my fingers hoping no liquid of any
form would be streaming down his legs when I yanked him from the
cart. I was once again reminded there is no God, and my prayer went
unanswered. At least he was wearing socks.
I grabbed the stained towel from the trunk, generally used
for oil related issues but just as appropriate in this situation. I
dabbed him off the best I could and dumped out the contents of one
of the plastic sacks. Using it as a barrier, I secured him into his
car seat.
With great glee my son continued his narration the entire
drive home.
"Ewwww! Poopy fawt. Pthhbbbttt. Ewwwwww."
Just in case I wasn't following his version of events, he managed to
wipe some excess excrement from an unknown body part and waved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Travel this Thanksgiving with your Cabin Cuddler.
Try the world's only 6 in 1 travel blanket! The Cabin Cuddler is
a lightweight travel blanket with a foot pocket and shoulder wrap
that keeps you warm in cold airplane cabins, on car trips, or
even curled up at home.
Special holiday offer. Buy 3 Cabin Cuddlers and get a 4th free.
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
a life
http://www.thepostm
work
http://www.thepostm
aliens
http://www.thepostm
Wow
http://www.buffalos
Captain
http://www.buffalos
Matter Of Taste
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not only will you strengthen and reshape your abs on the Ab Rocket,
you will be able to tone and tighten your entire body.
Your neck and back will be fully supported on the unique rollers of
the
Ab Rocket which will massage your entire neck and back while you
work out.
So you will look good and feel great.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young woman named Maud
Who found herself now and then floored
--Or bedded, or chaired,
Or top of the staired--
Oh, well, it's the life of a broad.
There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his arse like a Dahlia.
The artwork was fine,
The painting divine,
But the smell was a bit of a failure.
A wanton young lady from Wimley,
Reproached for not acting quite primly,
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Micro Force is the world's smallest fully waterproof and
rechargeable electric shaver.
The rechargeable battery last up to 10 times longer than a standard
battery shaver.
With the Micro Force shaver being smaller than a credit card,
it makes it the perfect shaver for traveling or every day use.
Additional Ordering Details:
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is apparently illegal to pretend to have sex with a buffalo in an
Oklamhoma bar. when were you in OK and why was she faking it?
-mojo
I love to go down to the park and watch the children jumping and
running around and yelling and screaming...
using blanks.
When Bart had gained considerable weight after quitting
smoking, his internist diagnosed type 2 Diabetes and put him on a
rigid diet. He stuck to the diet carefully, and after a couple of
months, he returned for a check-up -- having lost 15 pounds.
"I feel great," Bart said, "younger and full of pep. Why,
when I spoke to your receptionist sitting there in that low-cut
blouse, I felt like going down on her and eating her here in your
office."
"That would have been all right," smiled the doctor, "It's
only 85 calories."
Ross
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican
National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes
and makeup for her. They've been taking a lot of heat for it. Today,
John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over,
the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to
get her naked is finally bearing fruit.
Inkster
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Awesome Auger takes the hard work out of yard work.
Its patented spiral design with laser sharp edge, gives you the
muscle to blast through hard rock and clay, or cut through the
thickest roots, and easily power out rocks and stubborn stumps.
It also works great for digging post holes, removing weeds and
dandelions or planting trees, shrubs, and bushes.
With Bonus Recargeable Drill
Additional Ordering Detail:
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teacher told her class that she was going to ask some questions
and who ever could answerer them correctly could take tomorrow
(Friday) off from school. "Who said 'Give me liberty or give me
death'"?. The only student to raise a hand was Nacoi, the Japanese
girl. "That was Patrick Henry in a 1775 speech to the Virginia
Convention".
"Very good" said the teacher. "Who said, 'four score and seven years
ago?'". Again it was only Nacoi who knew the answer. "That was
Abraham Lincoln in his 1863 Gettysburg address".
"Correct again. Who said 'ask not what your country can do for you,
but ask what you can do for your country?'".Again it was Nacoi,
"That was John Kennedy in his 1961 inaugural address".
"This is terrible" said the teacher, "this little Japanese girl has
been in this country less than a year and knows more about our
nation than the rest of you all put together", then turned to write
something on the board.
"Fuck the Japanese" hollered little Johnny.
"Who said that" snapped the teacher.
"Douglass MacArthur" replied little Johnny, "See ya Monday"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slim Clip is the amazing new double-sided money clip that holds up
to
30 bills on one side and up to six credit cards on the other.
Slim Clip is engineered from durable stainless steel, so now matter
how much or what the abuse, you'll have a lifetime of use,
guaranteed.
It even comes with a lifetime replacement warranty.
If it ever breaks or bends, we'll send you a brand new one for Free,
no questions asked.
Additional Ordering Details:
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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