Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of
ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers
commented that while Russia may have invaded
Georgia, they sure ain't doin' it to Alabama.
This may sound a little ridiculous but let me recount a
conversation between Buffy ( d ) and myself (b) last
weekend.
d Did you hear what happened? The Russians attacked
Georgia with tanks.
b Yep I heard about it.
d Well what are we going to do about it.
b We told them they couldn't stay and they had to withdraw
their troops.
d Well that's still terrible we have friends in Atlanta.
b Buffy did you ever hear this song ( buffalo does something
resembling singing or a wounded animal.)
Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
They leave the west behind
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
And Georgia's always on my my my my my my my my my mind
d What is that
b. It's a song called Back in the USSR by the Beatles from 1969.
d. What does that have to do with what we are talking about.
b Georgia is one of the republics that made up the USSR and it is
in Europe.
d Oh you mean that they didn't attack our Georgia.
b. Better get some more red dye for your hair, the blonde is starting
to
show again.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo.
PS John doesn't care how many properties he owns because
he will be living in the White House for 8 years beginning in
January
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Little Johnny is playing on the street when he spots a package of
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Horse Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some race horses staying in a stable are chatting. One of them starts
to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of
them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says
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At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting
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"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91
races, I've won 89 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Daaaaaaaamn!
hushed silence. "A talking dog!"
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Pick-up Chips
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Jewish Pick up Lines:
1) Do you wanna see my haftorah portion?
2) I got a trust fund for my bar mitzvah, what'd you get?
3) Do you want to spin my dreidel?
4) Your father must have been a rabbi because he stole the vowels
from the Torah and put them in your eyes.
5) What's a nice Jew like you doing eating scrapple like this? (Note:
can only be used when the person in question is eating scrapple).
6) That's a nice looking yarmulke you're wearing, but it would look
even better lying next to my bed tomorrow morning.
7) Can I put my Torah in your ark?
8) Is that a mezuzzah in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
9) Can I part your red sea?
10) I've got ten commandments you can follow...
11) Going out with me is like having Chanukah all year long.
12) Want to wander through my desert?
13) I've got Ramses in my wallet that wants to put you back in
slavery.
14) Wanna go back to my place and play "Hide the Matzah?"
15) I've got six pieces of gelt and a grogger in my pocket.
16) Nice talis, want to f**k?
17) Why don't you slide your matzoh balls o'er here next to my
gefilte fish.
18) Why should we recline tonight instead of on all other nights?
Cause I'm holy, baby. Real holy.
19) Some guys use whip cream. I'm a potato latke man myself.
20) Why is this night different than all other nights? I'll show you
why...
21) Hiding that matzah is only half the fun.
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Olympic Chips
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THE TOP 14 SIGNS YOU'VE BECOME OBSESSED WITH THE OLYMPICS
14 You still won't use a coaster, but now you put down your wet beer
glass five times in the rings pattern.
13 Casual Friday last week? Jeans and a Polo shirt. Casual Friday
this week? REALLY low-rise swim pants and a strategic waxing.
12 You imagine your Michael Phelps poster is hitting on your Holly
McPeak poster.
11 You've confiscated all the ball caps on your son's Little League
team and replaced them with olive wreath crowns.
10 You've been wearing your hair in a face-stretching ponytail with
little pink clip barrettes all through the gymnastics competitions --
and the other guys on the oil rig are starting to get uncomfortable
with that.
9 On your wedding night, you gave your new bride a one-tenth point
deduction for not sticking the landing.
8 Getting into a fight down at the beer joint is nothing new for you,
but this time the argument was about badminton.
7 You've bought and integrated so many TiVos that merely by pressing
Rewind you can actually travel back in time.
6 "Dangit, Larry -- you couldn't tell a foil from a saber if you sat
on 'em. Twenty bucks says my France kicks your skinny German butt in
team epee!"
5 You now have five interlocked rings dangling from your nipples.
4 You filled your cubicle with sand and started referring to the
department as "Beach QA."
3 These days you only hire very petite hookers, and you insist that
they wear spandex, talk like chipmunks and have chalk powder all over
their hands.
2 You now insist everyone call you "The Fredpedo."
1 You begin singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" if you finish peeing
before the guy at the next urinal.
-- Copyright 2004, 2008 by Chris White. Please do not forward,
publish, broadcast or use in any manner without
crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do.
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And will there be anything else, Ma'am?" the bellboy asked after
setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the lady replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed silk pajamas on the
chair by the bed. "Anything for your husband?" he asked.
"Nah," the lady said. "I'll pick up a postcard for him in the
morning."
The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he'd been run over by
a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his
clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What
happened?"
The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's
virginity."
"No kidding?"
"Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it."
Two gay guys s are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by
underneath them. One says to the other, "What kind of ship is that?"
"Container ship," replies the other.
"Okay, what's that one over there?"
"Oil Tanker."
"How about that one?"
"That's a ferry boat."
"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own
NAVY!"
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Old Chips
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Quite Interesting Facts
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1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young
woman did not fart in her husband's lap. (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian
Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)
2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young
women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh
to go catch a fish. (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on
the Westcar Papryus)
3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the
other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon's load. The owner
of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be
eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his
cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused
because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In
their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf
which ate the wagon's load.
Problem: Who owns the calf?!
(1200 BC)
4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20
years. When he found another woman he said to her, "I shall divorce
you because you are said to be blind in one eye." And she answered
him: "Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?"
(Egyptian circa 1100 BC)
5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When
Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops
shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help. (Homer.
The Odyssey 800 BC)
6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at
noon and three at evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a
baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age. (Appears in
Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)
7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is
what restrains him. (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC)
8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who
bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he
asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No
your Highness," he replied, "but my father was." (Credited to the
Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)
9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him
any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said "I've had a great
loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died." (Dated to the
Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)
10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king
replied: "In silence." (Collected in the Philogelos or "Laughter-
Lover" the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th
Century AD)
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Revenge Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice
juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
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Toon Chips
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Close Call
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young woman named Jeannie
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie".
You claim you're a stud
But, oh, what a dud!
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny.
____________
So well stacked was the new coed named brenda
All the studs wanted to part her pudenda
But, to their dismay
they discover her first lay
Was not tom, dick ,or harry, but, glenda
____________
All animals know what they're after
Good health and long lives and loud laughter
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Clinton's Retirement Plans
10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half brothers and
sisters.
9. Tour the nation's prisons to improve conditions and visit his
friends that didn't get a pardon.
8. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."
7. Buy a Hooter's franchise in Arkansas.
6. Catch up on eight-year stack of "Penthouse".
5. Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and cheating
skills.
4. Continue work-counseling interns.
3. Stop using fake names in personal ads.
2. Take little Buddy out three times a day - also walk the dog.
1. Get to know those Gore girls better.
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jill: I'll tell you, Mary, I've had it with trying to find somebody
nice my
age.
Mary: Yeah, it's hard; I know.
Jill: It's not just hard; it's impossible. I'll see you tomorrow.
Mary: Where are you going?
Jill: I'm going to buy a keg of beer and go over to the college and
Try
trolling for frat boys.
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1399
The Rings of Competiton
BJ: Back to check on Sandi okay?
Diana: Sure.
Rudy: Okay the clock says four hours and thirty minutes. So far
there are
six contestants still asleep and our Sandi is one of them. It is
time for me
to get ready to the sled pull.
BJ: We will watch.
Diana: It is also time for Katie and her long jump.
At the long jump...
Announcer: For the final jump it is between Katherine and the Russian
Wolfhound..
Katie runs and leaps...
Announcer: Fourteen feet and six inches.
The Russian leaps...
Announcer Fourteen feet and seven inches...but is disqualifed due to
a foul.
The winner is Katherine.
To the sled pull
Announcer: The weight on the sled is 400 lbs. Pull!
Rudy: Groan...grunt.
Announcer: Rudy has pulled the sled the desired distance and has won.
Rudy: Wheeze,,yeah and over grass.
Back at the Sleepathon..
Seven hours and seventeen minutes...only four contestants left and
Sandi snores on.
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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