[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For Mon



Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

It was a quiet Monday morning. I had just got back from driving
Buffy to work and was digging through my email, looking for
something interesting. I debated rebooting, as I usually do before
I start the lists, when the lights went out. A few seconds later
Sandy yelled that the contractors had hit the big oak tree across
the street and it was laying on the house. I picked up the phone
and called the electric company and told them they had an outage
and went out to see what was going on. There was no wires down
and the tree was no longer against the house which had escaped
damage. The wires they had hit hadn't broken but had come in
contact with each other and it had probably blown a transformer
fuse.
To make matters worse they were digging in the fresh packed sand
and had hit a water line they had just put in the week before and we

now had a swimming pool in the road. All in all a typical Monday in
construction land.

The people then started to show up led by the Water Department to
turn the mains off. Second on the scene was the fire department
prompted by the thought of downed wires. The first comment I heard
out of them was, " I got dibs on the wood." Then the electric line
crew showed up to check the lines out and turn the power back on.
This had all happened within 15 minutes and the power came back
on about ten minutes later. Pretty quick repair time as the
contractor
started pumping the hole out and sawing up the wood and tossing it
into a front end loader.

The site is all back to normal with the exception of the homeless
bunch
of black squirrels that inhabited the center of the tree which was
black
and rotted. The squirrels contemplated asking FEMA for a house
trailer
but instead decided to find a fresh place to store their nuts and
hide
from the winter, probably with the pigeons in the neighbor's attic.
The
squirrels have been laying low since construction started, perhaps
they
had a premonition of doom. The owner of the house lost a tree but he

was saved the cost of having a tree company remove it later which
could have been expensive.

Life is back to normal and I got a story to tell out of it. Not a
bad day.

Enjoy the chips.. buffalo

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Random Chips
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Q: How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fourteen. You gotta problem with that?

Q: Did you hear about the GM mechanic that had a sex change
operation?
A: He ended up changing his name to 'Ms. Goodwench'.

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three
blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.

He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her
and
asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our
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"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering
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Dream Chips
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A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me.
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The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every
night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning
I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your
hands."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says,
"Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their
friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can
barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd
take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your
service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from
Pittsburgh to New York."

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Viagra Chips
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get ready for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an
hour."

"Perfect," he thinks.

The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he
takes the Viagra and waits.

Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She
calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I
won't be there for about an hour."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't
be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have
a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the
Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with
the housekeeper..."

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Penny Chips
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It's a scent

Place two pennies on the table - Do you see any fruit here?

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Place three pennies on the table - Do you see any snakes here?

It's three copperheads

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Ugly Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank
they turn off the cameras.

If ugliness were bricks, you would be the
Great Wall Of China.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house
and came out with an application.

If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the
electric chair.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents
named you Shit Happens.

You're so ugly, your mate won't have to
worry about birth control...your face
will do just fine.

You're so ugly, you could model for death
threats.

You're so ugly, when you were born they
put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on
your mirror.

You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror
your reflection turns to stone.

You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand
the cats try to bury you.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the
doctor took one look at you and slapped
your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of
the car window and got arrested for
mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey
and got a mouthful of fur.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat
by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into
labour your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, everytime your mother looks
at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."

I know why you look like a horse, because I
saw your mother grazing in the field.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo
- first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in
dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell,
when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper
and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk
before she breast fed you.

You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and
got a permanent job.

You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are
afraid to draw you.

You're so ugly, when you get sick they call
the vet.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as
a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, everytime you go out you get
chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand
tries to fall asleep.

You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because
every time you step in the lake, the water
parts.

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger
nightmares.

You're so ugly, they let you park in
handicapped spaces.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang
it didn't come back.

You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo
they refused to let you out.

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off
the calendar.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into
labour the doctors went on strike.

You're so ugly, your last name is Link and
your first is Missing.

You're so ugly, people put your picture in
their car window as an anti-theft device.

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into
yogurt, just by looking at it.

You're so ugly, people create a Jackson
Pollock style painting when they spew on
the floor.

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Short Chips
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she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age,
but
I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be
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It was the first day of school, and the teacher was calling
the roll. She came to a strange name. The boy's name was I
P.P. Rainwater. She called it out. When the youngster stood
up, the teacher demanded he tell her his real name, or leave her
class.
As he was leaving, he looked over at his younger brother and
said, "Come
on Shithead. She won't believe you either."

Theory of Relativity: If you could fly twice the speed of light, you
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come.
Or, cheaper way, install mirrors on your bedroom ceiling.

The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging
to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she suggested they
retire to his room and check it out, and he willingly agreed. The
guy
stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker, entered her,
and
said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your mouth, baby, so I can
see
the end of my prick?" "Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why
don't
you wiggle your ass so I can feel it?"

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Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods.
Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little
Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're
making cigarettes."

"Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking along. Pretty
soon, they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they
making cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny.

Suzy looked around and said, "It looks like all the animals are
making cigarettes, why do not we make cigarettes?"

Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"

An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out of the
woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did
we make?"

Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, and then replied,
"Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't

it was a Lucky Strike."

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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The young harlot of Crete"

There was a young harlot of Crete
Whose fucking was far, far too fleet.
So they tied down her ass
With a long ton of brass
To give them a much longer treat.

When the Nazis landed in Crete
The young harlot had to compete
With the many Storm Troopers
Who were using their poopers
For other things than to excrete.

Our subversive young harlot of Crete
Was led to fifth-column deceit.
When the paratroops landed
Her trade she expanded
By at once going down on their meat.

Then here was this harlot of Crete
She decided to be very neat.
She said, "I'm too high class
To ream common ass,
And I'll wash every prick that I eat."

And at last this young harlot of Crete
Was hawking her meat in the street.
Ambling out one fine day
In a casual way
She clapped up the whole British fleet.

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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But withal and whatever, it must be realized that even the members
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the oldest profession -or, to paraphrase Arthur Conan Doyle, "The
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rest
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pass that when one of the girls of the Establishment died, the
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the slow moving hearse, and when they finally arrived at the
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the Madam took her place at the side of the yawning grave and began
to
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muttering through her sobs -a quiet, reflective, eulogy: That was a

wonderful girl. She brought in more business than any girl I ever
had.
She was the best prostitute I ever knew. One of the girls turned to

her companion. "See?" she mused, "You have to die before they say
something nice about you!"

Stan Kegel

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Bonus Chip
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One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby kept
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babies grab the biggest thing they see."

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Patricia

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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1388

Katie's Challenge

Sandi: Where is Pierre?

Katie: He is ill, so it is just I, but never fear, Katie is here.

Rudy: I can go with you Katie.

Katie: No, you have done your time. I can do this myself.

Sandi: Well, just becareful.

Katie: Hah, they evildoers will flee at my behest.

Rudy: The fleas might...

Katie: Hrumpt!

Sandi: Lord help us all.

Rudy: She means well..

Later .... in the dark....

Katie to herself: It sure is dark...maybe I should have taken Rudy
up on his
offer to go with me. Drat, I left my whistle at the house, oh well
what
could go wrong?

Later about thirty minutes before her shift ends, Katie notices a
potential
misdeed at the Jones house.

Katie: Opps, what is that van doing at the Jone's house. They are
on
vacation. Maybe I will just walk on by and forget I saw it. No,
that
would not be right. Well, then again, getting hurt would not be
right
either. I will just blow my whistle...drats, I forgot it. I can
use my
cellphone,,no it is next to my whistle at the house. What to do,
what
to do? I will have to ... Gulp, confront these miscreants..

Katie sneaks up to the robbers and......

1. faints
2. barks
3. attacks
4. throws up
5. gets into her karate stance

Actually, she does, (5), then (4), then (2), then (1), after waking
up,
she (2), then she (3), but nobody is there.

The robbers are freaked out by a dog wearing a judo outfit that ....
gets into a karate stance then throws up, they leave when she starts
barking, they are gone when she faints.

When Katie wakes up the police and neighborhood dogs are coming up
close and are patting her on the back for being a hero.

Sandi: You chased them away all by yourself.

Rudy: How many were there?

Katie: I think a dozen. There were fist flying, I had them down
and it
was a tough battle...and guns were blazing. and and.

The herd in Guthrie


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Remember 9/11/01

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William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

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