Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
A Navy version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, compartments were still,
The sailors were sleeping, as most sailors will.
The ditty bags hung by the lockers with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The men were all peacefully dreaming in bed
As visions of liberty danced in each head.
The Chief in his skivvies, hopped into his rack,
Having just came from town and a quick midnight snack.
When out on the deck there arose such a roar,
I ran to the porthole to find out the score.
I stuck out my head and started to shout,
"Just what in the world is this noise all about?"
A moon made for boondocking showed with a glow,
It was downright cold out, 'bout seven below.
What I saw out there looked like those Mardi Gras floats,
T'was a Captain's gig drawn by white Navy goats.
In the boat was a man who seemed quiet and moody,
I knew in an instant St. Nick had the duty.
As quickly as Monday his billy goats came,
He whistled and shouted and called them by name.
"Now Perry, now Farragut, Dewey and Jones,
What's the matter John Paul, got lead in your bones?
A little to Starb'rd, now hold it up short,
No fluffing off now, or you'll go on report!"
He was wearing dress "Reds" that fit like a charm,
His hash marks they covered the length of his arm.
The gifts to be issued were all in his pack,
The gedunk was ready to leave on each rack.
His eyes they were watering, his nose caked with ice,
He wiped it with canvas, then sneezed once or twice.
He opened his mouth and started to yawn,
It looked like the Sun coming up with the dawn.
The stump of a pipe, he held tight in his teeth,
And took a small nip from a bottle beneath.
He wasn't so big, but he must have been strong,
I figured he'd been in SEALs early and long.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old Tar,
Who said "Evenin' Matey, here have a cigar."
He filled every seabag with presents galore,
And left us all leave papers, right by the door.
With "Anchors Aweigh" he climbed back into place,
A broad smile was creeping all over his face.
One look at his watch and he started to frown,
"This mid-watch is certainly getting me down."
Then out to the breakwater and into the night,
The gig started fading, the landscape was bright.
"Merry Christmas" he said, as he drove on his way,
Now I'll finish my rounds and sack in for the day."
I got up at 0900 this morning and it went downhill
fast from there. I called the doctor's office to have them fax
over a request for blood work to the lab and started the lists,
A half-hour later Buffy calls and says she has water pouring
out of the back of the house. There are some poorly insulated
pipes in the laundry room walls and if she had done laundry in
the past week she would have known there was a frozen pipe.
Temperature were in the thirties this morning and the pipe thawed.
To make matters worse there was a major gas leak in the street
in front of her house and DTE was out there digging. After the
water was stopped I got cleaned up and headed to the hospital
and my paperwork wasn't there yet and the doctor's office was
closed. It wasn't a complete loss as I had a request for an x-ray
of my knee and I had that done and then gassed up the Suburban
and picked up some groceries and it was dark when I got home.
I hope you had a quiet day. Enjoy the chips.
buff
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Flaming Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flaming has evolved into a highly-stylized art form, complete with
unwritten rules and guidelines.
Here, I have attempted to document the Art of Flaming, in such a way
as it will be interesting to old hands (flame masters) and novices
(virgins) alike. Without a further ado, then, I present:
The 12 commandments of flaming:
Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly,
LiCkY has no brain, and is a moron to boot."
Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "LiCkY, by using the word
'LiCk' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the
next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From
rec.arts.wobegon to alt.tasteless.jokes, they're ALL holding their
breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post EVERYWHERE.
Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
possibly be that you're a fuckwit. There's obviously a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by
exposing
it....;-)
Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the
Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered
to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group,
lab~rat has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in
court, Rodent."
Force them to document their claims: Even if SpitFire states
outright that he likes to view womens tits, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Spitty's tit
preferences, then Spitty's obviously lying.
Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three
times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum,"
"vini, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."
Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Morons of America.
Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
"I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell
the word 'premeiotic' ."
Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want as many times as u want
to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone
who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email
is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponents,
have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should
have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
LiCk, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up!
When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
this ONE. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you
will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better
than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your
arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point,
there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well,
your mother does strange things with vegetables."
*The Golden Rule of Flaming*
My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, will they be boring. At least not to me
and Im all that matters.
Here endeth the scriptures....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
all he can remember
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I'm hanging your mothers picture, why?
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getting old
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spanish Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My homie smelled so bad I couldn't brief .
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by
herself.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco,
liver alone, cheese mine.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she
didn't wafer me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece
this is herpes.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT
My old lady caught me in bed wit my lover so I said harassment
nothing to me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down,
so I had to pick the bishop.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, I'm looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two nuns decided to ride into town from the convent. They got on
their bicycles and began their trip. Once in town, the nuns turned
down an old, cobbled side street. The first nun says to the other,
"I don't think I've ever come this way before." The other nun says,
"Neither have I. It's probably the cobblestones!"
Like the song says, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but
getting caught in bed with her sister is pretty foolproof and makes
for a much shorter list.
The prostitute with a degree in psychology really blows your mind.
Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I made love to my wife and
afterward held her close. "I love you terribly," I whispered. "You
certainly do," was her reply.
Whats the difference between a blimp made by a tire company and 500
used rubbers? One's a Goodyear the other's a Great year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Computer Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the
works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your
Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so
please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far
are:
1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection
Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose
of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need
to run an application in order to produce a General Protection
Fault.
2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need
for further action or third party intervention.
3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of
Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows
within the file being edited.
4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled
"Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self
explanatory.
6) XP key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
7) IBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is
very effective at removing Netscape).
8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the
world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you
thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!
9) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100%
data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all
know what it really stands for.
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa comes but once each year.
"Where did you get that beautiful bracelet?" "Oh, that's from my ex.
It's from his most expensive blow job ever." "I thought you said you
hated giving those." "I didn't give that one, but I caught him
getting it from the babysitter!"
"And then he seduced me. And it wasn't the first time, either!"
Mark fixed himself a martini to carry him through the ordeal of
waiting while Peggy got ready for their date, he could hear her
singing in the shower. "Sorry I'm so late," she finally called out
to him, "but I was shopping and lost track of the time." Clutching a
large towel about her, he edged into the room. "Would you like to
see me in my new dress?" she asked. Mark took appreciative note of
her newly bathed charms straining at the confines of the barely
adequate towel. "I would like," he said with a smile, "nothing
better."
What do you call a man with a broken condom? "Daddy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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First-time DISH Network customers only. This promotion expires and is
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Most Wonderful Time
www.silverandgoldandthee.com/Christmas/MostWonderful.html
Marlene/New Christmas Page/Alan Jackson
http://summerhoosier.250free.com/HTML3/Silent-Night.html
Christmas Wishes Via Carol
http://www.spiritisup.com/christmaswishescc.html
carolyn w/ Santa Claus Is Back In Town ~ Elvis Presley
http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/elvis/santaback.html
Disney Christmas!
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Extreme Homes!
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Surfin Surfari
Legend of the Holly Via Juanita
http://www.mamarocks.com/legend_of_the_holly.htm
Rules of Regifting
http://www.regiftable.com
I Saw Santa Clause
http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/ISawSantaClause.htm
Redneck Christmas Tree!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/redneck.html
Wendy Jenkins Fabric
http://www.etsy.com/shop/wendyjenkins
The 25 BEST things ever said, by anyone
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/12/24/73147/897
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Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
have gone absolutely crazy for doing this today and tomorrow,
especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
because I think it's just the right thing to do.
Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
going to believe this...First off, thank you so much for taking a
minute to read this, my name is Justin Blake, and I'm a millionaire
that was dared to do something insane tonight and tomorrow morning,
and if you're interested in knowing what it is then read below, but
you'll need to hurry because you may only have a few minutes to take
advantage of this:
As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
Business Kit, but I'm only giving it away this today and tomorrow
morning.....so you need to get your copy today if you want one.
Press here to get your copy:
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
GRC's | DNS Nameserver Performance Benchmark - Free Via Wesley
http://www.grc.com/dns/benchmark.htm
System Information For Windows
http://www.gtopala.com/
Scott's Space Invaders
http://www.sb-software.com/spaceinvaders/
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
http://www.all-creatures.org/index.html
Kitty Korner
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Movie Links
Saddam The Unseen Video
http://www.buffaloschips.com/AASSA.htm
Santa Shopping
http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdsdsd.htm
Saudi
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ssdseew.htm
Schweaty Balls
http://www.buffaloschips.com/kslls.htm
Scotsman's Song
http://www.buffaloschips.com/slkjds.htm
If my nose was running money
http://www.buffaloschips.com/huyu.htm
Important Message
http://www.buffaloschips.com/jkjhjgh.htm
Impossible
http://www.buffaloschips.com/hjkhyui.htm
Jet Engine
http://www.buffaloschips.com/kjki.htm
John McCain
http://www.buffaloschips.com/hjjhiu.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Date Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE DATE
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and
taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while,
he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed
what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection,
Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner
in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old
Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant
in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey,
Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then
he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena,"
said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and
was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck
out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said
Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot
vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a
U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back
to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed,
her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?"
thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von
ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and
drink to have a good time!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
bad cat
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cat batteries
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cat carrier
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cat doggy style
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cat enlarger
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young stud from Missouri
Who fucked with astonishing fury
'Til taken to court!"
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
________________________________
There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
________________________________
There was a young person named Willie
Whose actions were what you'd call silly;
He went to a ball
Dressed in nothing at all
Pretending to represent Chile.
<Snagged by>
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of
their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Avandia shown to cause heart attacks and heart related injuries.
Have you taken avandia?
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Health warning for WOMEN who used Zyban to quit smoking.
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Do you take Paxil?
Read The FDAs Paxil Warning!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn Vol 1948
Christmas Cards
?
BJ whispering to Diana: Look at these Christmas cards Rudy made.
You know how hard he worked with his mechanical thumb and how hard he worked
in school a few years ago to learn to write and such.
Diana: Yes. Is it okay if we read them?
BJ: I don't think he would mind. The first one is to Sandi. It reads:
Deer Sandi, I ain't much of a poit, but I will try.
Christmas wood not be nutin without you.
Christmas wood just be colored blu.
I cain't think of much to say, xcept I love you.
Merry Christmas, Your Rudy.
Diana: I think that is precious and sweet. Should we tell him about his
spelling errors?
BJ: Not on your life. He wrote it and we leave it the way it is.
The herd
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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