Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Here's a story that will shake the little ones up and make them put Rover in
the basement on Christmas Eve.
Tonight's my first night as a watchdog, and here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs, while I'm guarding the
stockin's and tree, what's that now - footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard, and a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air, I've frightened the whole
bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again, the stockin's are safe as can
be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow, and see how I've
guarded the tree.
buffalo says I always worried as a kid that something would go wrong and
Santa wouldn't show. There was all those houses all over the world and only
one Santa. It wasn't like the Postal Service although that would have been a
better story like one Santa to take care of each city. Every one knew also
that Santa wouldn't come if you were awake but you always heard conflicting
stories about that one. I know for a fact if you put me in a dark quiet room
as a kid, I went to sleep. I tried to stay awake on New Year's Eve as the
played the Top 100 hits of the year on the radio and I would hear a dozen
and start snoring and the next thing it would be morning and I had wasted a
25 cent 9 volt battery.
Hey Over at Let's Bring Em Home thet have 124 tickets ready to go which
surpasses last year and they are still trying to book some more flights
Donations received: $111,997.33
Miles donated: 1,980,000
Number of donors: 1217
http://www.lbeh.org/?status
I cannot believe the generosity even though times are rough all over. Please
help if you can.
?
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
A Newsletter You may Enjoy
Bee'sLinks-N-Computer Tips
The purpose of the list is to provide useful and fun links and tips for
internet users.
This list is not a chit chat list-only for posting links and tips and other
useful links.
Feel free to send me links that you think would help the other members.
I will post them for you. No need for digest either since the list
only comes out once every 2 weeks week with no signatures in them just plain
text email with links.
Just a note: Webtv links are few and far between anymore
so I will post links that webtv can get into....and those are becoming few
so
if you join solely for webtv help this might not be the place for you.
If you need computer help 1 on 1
join the list below...these people teach me new stuff every day
Related Link:
BeesLinks-N-ComputerTips
BeesLinks-N-ComputerTips-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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Redneck Chips
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Christmas in West Virginia
Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells. Some
Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies, And a Nascar T-shirt in
Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
when it snows it blows
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the water bed
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Condom Chips
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strologic Condoms Scorpio: Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's
probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess
by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking
Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't
scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.
Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible
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Sagittarius: Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits,
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Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel
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They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a
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Capricorn: Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality,
ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative
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Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be
sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale.
Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to
climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.
Aquarius: Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy
sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are
just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and
they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers
for extra stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features
political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it
depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius
is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to
share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When
your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.
Pisces: Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on
mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss.
Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are
optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain special instructions for
erotic fantasy games.
Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a
seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.
Aries: Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented
people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made
from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go"
attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every
fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for
the black sheep.
Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect
for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an
Aries condom.
Taurus: Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the
astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious
materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms
give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale.
Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision,
they're almost impossible to stop.
When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull
symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really
horny.
Gemini: Gemini's are known for their versatility, intellect and
communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of
sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs
and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through
mail order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They
always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too
hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs
and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more
than once, you need Gemini condoms.
Cancer: Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety
and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated
for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure.
Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide
to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial
refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history known a time when
Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many
collections.
Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers
of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship
Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted
women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab.
When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach
for a Cancer condom.
Leo: Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos
tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms
come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in
one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're
ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo
condom.
Virgo: Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of
fit and they keep you neat and clean. Virgos tend to be environmentally
sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure
rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all
purpose instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're
ready for some ritualized defloweration activities, you're ready for a Virgo
condom.
Libra: Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the
fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer
packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates.
Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are
reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities.
Libra is symbolized by the scales.
When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom. (By Stan
Kegel)
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Short Chips
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Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman
walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realized that she was not in the
general store so she started to turn around and leave. As she was
doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to
the woman, "Come on over, Ma'am, sit yerself down right here next to
me and have yerself a drink.
"Thank you kindly Sir, but I'm afraid that I couldn't," replied the
woman, "on account that I need to get bread."
The cowboy replied, "Uh, Ma'am, I do reckon you came to the right
place for that!"
HAIKUS ON GETTING OLD
Discounts and condos;
Viagra for everyone;
Getting older rocks!
I move very slow.
I pee fifteen times a day.
I'm old or pregnant.
People are staring;
Why's this meat so hard to chew?
Forgot my dentures.
"Kiss my wrinkled butt!"
"Shut up, you whippersnapper!"
Old folks can be mean.
Wrinkles can't be helped.
Gray hairs are a fact of life.
Gas? Let's not go there!
Do you drive too slow?
Do you like to watch "Matlock"?
Guess what, friend? You're old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Santa Chips
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Santa's Pickup Lines
*I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge.
* I've got something you can hang a wreath on.
* One hour with me, honey, and you'll be seeing flyin' reindeer!
* Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?
* That's No candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you.
* Sugar, I got your stocking stuffer right here, Baby!
* I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
* Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!
* Care to see my twelve inch elf?
* Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?
* I've got something special in the sack just for you!
* I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister!
* Some of my favorite toys run on batteries....
* Forget the 'Nice' list, cuz I'm putting your name top of my 'nice and
naughty girl list'.
* Wanna see the 'North Pole'? (...that`s what Mrs. Claus calls it!)
* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Little Johnny Chips
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Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store
Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.
Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his
finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No."
Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then
I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
Johnny again shakes his head, "No..."
The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for
Christmas, little boy?"
Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"
Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of
that!?!?"
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you
do, because I can smell it on your finger!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Why We Celebrate
www.silverandgoldandthee.com/Christmas/WhyCelebrate.html
Sing Noel
http://www.loratrue2000.com/poems/singnoel.htm
Christmas Spider Via Juanita
http://www.my-tgif.com/spider_legend.shtml
Brother Bob's Poems Of The Week:
http://ministry-webs.com/ministry/brotherbob/index.html
Christmas With You
http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/ChristmasYou.htm
Christmas A Silent Night
http://www.wtv-zone.com/Cruise_2000/r/ChristSilentNight.html
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Wireless companies have accidentally stumbled and "opened up" an
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Surfin Surfari
Best Snowman Pictures... Ever! Via Dianne
http://tinyurl.com/bdmsvf
Drink Responsibly
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/drink.html
Playboy Bunny Calendar!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/calendar.html
Red Hat!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/redhat.html
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Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
have gone absolutely crazy for doing this today and tomorrow,
especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
because I think it's just the right thing to do.
Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
going to believe this...First off, thank you so much for taking a
minute to read this, my name is Justin Blake, and I'm a millionaire
that was dared to do something insane tonight and tomorrow morning,
and if you're interested in knowing what it is then read below, but
you'll need to hurry because you may only have a few minutes to take
advantage of this:
As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
Business Kit, but I'm only giving it away this today and tomorrow
morning.....so you need to get your copy today if you want one.
Press here to get your copy:
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
NewYear Sigs MSN2
http://norbert26.com/TNB_newyear-sigs/index.html
Holiday Sigs WEBTV
http://norbert26.com/holiday_sigs/
SnoVille's Graphics
http://snoville.com/PageIndex.html
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Listen, you will have no one but yourself to blame if you don't go
on an intimate date this weekend with a beautiful single woman or
man! NO ONE BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME!!!
Why will we blame you? Because we are giving away memberships to our
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PRESS HERE to meet single women or men this week for an intimate
date:
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
http://www.longliveyourdog.com/
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Movie Links
Office B
http://www.buffaloschips.com/skslkds.htm
Polaroid
http://www.buffaloschips.com/lkala.htm
Porky Pig
http://www.buffaloschips.com/sddssd.htm
Redneck 911 Call
http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsaa.htm
Redneck Crab Removal
http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsD.htm
Hot Dog
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ytrf.htm
How To Blow Away A Deer
http://www.buffaloschips.com/5467.htm
How to get jail time for a speeding ticket
http://www.buffaloschips.com/65r7.htm
Hrbtno
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ujyg687.htm
Ice fishing
http://www.buffaloschips.com/jkljlkjo.htm
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Medical Chips
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A medical student just finished her last semester and was heading out to
apply to a hospital. The director of the hospital thought the woman was
very bright and had a lot of potential. But the doctor wanted to ask her a
few questions just to quiz her.
"Well." said the doctor, "you seem very qualified. But a few questions
before we make anything definite, ok?"
"Of course," said the woman"
Ok, what do we call the operation of removing your tonsils?" asked the
director "That's easy," the woman said, "A Tonsillectomy."
"Very good. ok, What is the removal of your appendix called, "the director
continued?
"I belive that is an Appendectomy," the woman said confidentially "Good job.
One more. What do we call a sex change operation?" the director asked.
Now the woman was very intelligent and she learned every medical term known
to man, but for some reason she could not remember what a sex change
operation was called. She sat staring ai the wall for some time before the
director began to get anxious.
"Do you know?" he asked repeatedly.
Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said, "of course,
Addadictomy."
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Toon Chips
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car wash
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case study
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cat
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cat2
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fushigi - Magic Gravity Ball
Mesmerize the mind and confuse the senses. Fushigi is an incredible,
therapeutic form of relaxation. The art of maneuvering a clear, reflective
sphere through mind and body isolation and manipulation creates the illusion
that the sphere is moving on its own.
Everyone loves the art of Fushigi.
Learn More
http://buffaloschips.com/fushi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...
10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for
three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to
her.
8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.
6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.
5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I
would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."
4. She leaves a message on your phone and
identifies herself by both her first and last
names.
3. Your other girlfriend told you so.
2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads,
and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Avandia shown to cause heart attacks and heart related injuries.
Have you taken avandia?
http://buffaloschips.com/avand
Health warning for WOMEN who used Zyban to quit smoking.
Were You Prescribed Zyban?
http://buffaloschips.com/zyb
Do you take Paxil?
Read The FDAs Paxil Warning!
http://buffaloschips.com/paxi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn Vol 1947
?
Rudy, the Difference Maker
It is four am and the family is sleeping soundly..
except for Mr Rudy who is sneaking outside wearing his kilt and taking his
bagpipes with him. He clears his lungs and.. Diana: What was that!!!!
BJ: A tornado siren?
Sandi: I think it is the wail of something dying.
Val: I never heard something in pain like that.
Katie: Oh is it just Rudy playing his bagpipes.
Diana looking at the clock: It is four in the morning.
Katie: He likes it best then. He says he feels the mood capture him.
Diana: What can we do to stop that god awful noise?
BJ: I have an idea.
BJ goes outside.: Rudy!
Rudy stops playing: Yes Pops.
BJ: I poured us each an Irish coffee.
Rudy: Be right in dad.
The herd
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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