Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Eva has been like my shadow this weekend. She got a bunch of flash cards
and we have went through them several times and I have been taking a little
extra time to teach her a few other things. For example, she brought me
some pine cones that Buffy had decorated in school in San Diego and I
explained how they fell in the fall and when they dried out in the spring
they opened up and seeds fell out and new little pine trees would grow.
She absorbed all that and wandered off.
A little later she came back and Farmville was on the computer and the
caterpillar from the " Bugs " collection was on screen. She says, " What's
That? , It's so ugly." So I told her that it might be ugly now, but in the
fall
it would weave itself a cocoon, like a little sleeping bag, and it closed
it and went to sleep. In the spring when it opened a beautiful butterfly
came
out instead of the ugly bug. I was patting myself on the back and
thinking I should have been a teacher, when Eva said, "God, Grandpa,
You're so silly." Guess I got a credibility gap with her, but that's the
first time
I have ever been told by a 4 year old I was full of it.
Christmas seemed to fly by this year but I have a lot of jokes that never
got used that I will send out between now and New Year's.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
A newsletter you may find useful
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Gift Chips
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My Christmas Gift.
We were a poor family and it was a bone-chilling cold winter.
My Daddy asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Knowing full-well
that "Santa" couldn't afford the new bicycle I really wanted, I
answered, "Well, Dad, I'd like a new pair of corduroy pants and
something small to play with, if that's okay."
Impatiently, I waited for Christmas morning and of course, I
couldn't race downstairs until I could hear Mom and Dad stirring
around down there, getting breakfast going.
Cautiously, I crept down the stairs and looked over the banister
rail at our lovely (but scantily decorated) Christmas tree. I could
see at least one box that I was sure was for me!
Trying my best not to rush over to the tree to confirm my hopes, I
went into the kitchen and after we finished breakfast, Mom suggested
we go into the front parlor and see what Santa had brought us. Mom
could tell I was itching to see my gift, so it was the first box she
distributed. Sure enough, it was the box I spied on my way
downstairs earlier.
I eagerly tore off the (re-used) wrapping paper and the little
home-made bow, lifted the lid and....
There was the most magnificent pair of dark brown corduroy pants I'd
ever seen!
Mom said, "Try them on, Son, and see if they fit you."
I whisked off my pajama bottoms and pulled on my new pants. "Did
Santa bring me something small to play with?" I asked.
Dad said, "Well, Son, put your hands in the pockets of them there
new pants!"
I did as directed. The bottoms of both pockets had been cut out!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
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The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some
relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50." "No way!" I responded.
"I'm married!!!" "So??? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.
So I told her, "The difference is.... My wife will do it for only $35."
And then there was the diner who didn't believe in flying saucers until he
goosed a waitress!
Maternity is a matter of fact, paternity is a matter of opinion.
I have some neighbors that are lesbians and they have a child. It occurred
to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples that have
children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another when he
says "My Mom can lick your Mom any time."
Paramedics rescued a 40 year-old man who got his manhood stuck in the vacuum
cleaner. The man stated his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely
sexual - he didn't want any attachments.
Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex
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for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes
upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy
seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever. The next day, Sidney returns to
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stuff makes me worse than before!" Upon reading the label, the clerk asks,
"I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
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Scrooge Chips
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You Might Be A Scrooge If...
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin,
vodka and bourbon - you just might be a Scrooge.
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers
away - you just might be a Scrooge.
If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells
gas - you just might be a Scrooge.
If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson
- you just might be a Scrooge.
If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night- you just
might be a Scrooge.
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer.and a cheese
log - you just might be a Scrooge.
If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie - you just
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If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin - you just
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Dog Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Not To Get Your Dog At Christmas
A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.
A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother
who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.
A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to
confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.
Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall
units
that
are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in your house.
Anything Garfield.
A remote control for the refrigerator door.
A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho Doberman look like a
poodle.
A deluxe prepackaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large
enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.
Doggie antlers when your nearsighted hunting relatives will be
spending the holidays with you.
A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has
to do to get more presents next year.
A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.
An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so
much
during
retakes that he actually gains weight.
A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to
wear.
His own Petsmart credit card.
A cat.
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax ,Nova Scotia, when he asks the
audience
for some quiet.Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his
hands.
He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself...Outside this arena.
Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment... "Well,
Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin',
then!"
Debi and Jeni meet for lunch and Jeni is very, very noticeably
upset.
"What's wrong Jeni," asks Debi.
"My doctor just called me and tells me I am pregnant. I can't be
pregnant!
I've never been married, I don't have any boyfriends, I've never
even been near a man except.... OHHH wait...
That damn lifeguard told me it was a new form of artificial
respiration."
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LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Jimmy The Shrimper
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Rocking Christmas
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Nativity, New Years:
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36 Hour Cialis
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Piscina
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Party Chips
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How to tell a Democrat from a Republican
during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson
And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by
how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the
holidays:
Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the
Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at
a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving
them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled
wine. Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night
television.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Democrats give their children gifts that make a political
statement. Republicans give their children gifts that will keep
them out of their hair.
Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot
each other with dolls.
Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work decorating
the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats
save their time and money and drive around at night to enjoy the
scenery.
Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".
Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they
buy before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey
gifts.... and reposition them them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the
festive season. Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent,
wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their
Christmas Cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages
them from doing it again.
Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over by
a Reindeer." Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White
Christmas." Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White
Christmas".
Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week
before Christmas when the lots lower their prices. Democratic men
like to watch football while their wives, girlfriends or mothers
fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians". Democrats don't either, as long as the
Indians get to win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans
when they stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became Democrats because
they never stopped believing in Santa Claus...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ceremony
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holiday Limericks from Celebrities
Charlie Sheen:
It's the holiday season, I know,
So after doing a few lines of "snow,"
I'll be sufficiently high
To head downtown and buy
My 3 favorite gifts: Ho, ho, ho.
Dennis Miller:
Since my rhetoric often belittles,
This Christmas I offer acquittals.
I will pay more attention,
And eschew condescension
Of what others' opinions... hey, Skittles!
Monica Lewinsky:
For Christmas, I wanted to go
Back to my old job -- but you know,
As an intern, I'm spent,
'Cause this new president
Has a new definition of "blow."
Stephen King:
Here in Maine, the long winters serene,
Turn to white everything that was green.
But a Christmastime fest
Just makes me depressed.
How much longer till it's Halloween???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 10 Excuses Made by Innkeepers in Bethlehem...
10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful.
9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvings as payment
anymore.
8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going.
7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels.
6. Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention.
5. Didn't accept the Judean Express Card.
4. Last room left was by the ice machine.
3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before.
1. No last names, no service.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1952
Christmas Cards Continued
Tami: Okay one more, must be from Rudy.
Deer Tami,
I take pin in hand to write you this letter to
tell you what I think of you. I think you do not
smell bad for a human. I think you are a nice
person. I like the beer you drink. Let's see what
else.. wish you ate meet. You like doggies and
that is grate. I know you like me and that is good.
I like you two. I think we are good buddies. So
mary Christmas and all that stuff.
Rudy Cassady
Tami: I think that is very sweet. Maybe one of the
sweetest letters I have ever received. I will put it
on the mantle. Yes, Rudy Merry Christmas!!!
The herd
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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