Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
ARE YOU NORMAL? -by B. Kanner Facts about us Americans. Did you know
that........
-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
-Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to
do it correctly.
-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear
-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)
-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B
-85% of women wear the wrong bra size
-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading
up to higher denominations
-13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework
-91% of us lie regularly
-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store
-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high
prices of snack foods
-90% believe in divine retribution
-10% believe in the 10 Commandments
-82% believe in an afterlife
-45% believe in ghosts
-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
-29% of us are virgins when we marry
-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't
-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years old
-35% give to charity at least once a month
-How far would you go for $10 million?
-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
-7% would murder
-69% eat the cake before the frosting
-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton
-85% of us will eat Spam this year
-70% of us drink orange juice daily
-Snickers is the most popular candy
-22% of us skip lunch daily
-9% of us skip breakfast daily
-66% of us eat cereal regularly
-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries
-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
-45% use mouthwash every day
-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
-the typical shower is 101 degrees F
-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
-58% of women paint their nails regularly
-62% of us pop our zits
-33% of women lie about their weight
-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
-57% have had deja vu
-49% believe in ESP
-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
-the average girl starts her period at age 12
-44% have broken a bone
-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
-14% have attended a self-help meeting
-15% regularly go to a shrink
-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the
toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
-23.5% admit they don't always flush
-45.2% pee in the shower
-44.9% pee in the ocean
-28.1% pee in the pool
-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're using the
toilet.
-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the
host.
-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
-29% of us ignore RSVP
-71.6% of us eavesdrop
-22% are functionally illiterate
-less than 10% are trilingual
-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
-56% of women do the bills in a marriage
-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million
bucks
-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
-40% of us have had music lessons
-44% reuse tinfoil
-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for
doing it from scratch
-53% read their horoscopes regularly
-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men)
-59% of us say we're average-looking
-blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful
-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us
-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity
-on average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year
-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
-2 out of 5 have married their first love
-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand
-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
-6% propose over the phone
-71% can drive a stick-shift car
-45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit
-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts
-12% of men never use their car blinkers
-44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them
-25% of us drive after we've been drinking
-4 out of 5 sing in the car
buffalo says Are you more normal or less normal than you thought you
were?
I am having a few problems with rich text and my templates. The Postman's
Links sometimes won't open from the newsleter but if you copy and paste them
they seem to work fine. Hopefully I will find my copy of Office 2002 and
when I
get it installed everything will get back to normal or I may even figure
Windows
mail out after awhile
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Little Johnny Chips
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Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day.
As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, doing it, well, doggy style. "What are they doing, Johnny?"
Mary asked. Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his
12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her." Little Mary said, "Oh." They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little Johnny." Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell." So he took her into the bushes and "scared" her. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked. "Well, he's scaring her." So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny." Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she innocently (?) asked again. "Well, he's scaring her"
Little Johnny said once again. After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny." Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo, damn it, boo!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Name Chips
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Tony, having his second son christened, was much
concerned about getting the correct name on
the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote
on his birth certificate 'Thomas.'
This boy I want to name Jack."
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Fushigi - Magic Gravity Ball
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Halloween Chips
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THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY ON HALLOWEEN BUT ARENT
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something
in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and
knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice
pumpkins on her porch.
6. If you just lick it,
it will last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack.
4. Can I eat your zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it
before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
And the dirtiest sounding but
not-dirty Halloween saying is...
1.He's got candy spread out
on the living room floor!
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Animal Repeller - Keep Unwanted Pests Out Of Your Yard
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Toad Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such." The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:
"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries,they remain purple. He says:
"My wang is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick Toad!"
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Pun Chips
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What did the doctor say to the witch in the hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a
spell!
Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he
remarked, "There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day."
A vampire joined the police force so he could learn the correct way
to get a stakeout.
What did the vampire say to the English teacher
See you next period.
Why did the impotent guy date the witch?
Because she always scared him stiff!
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a
goblin'.
Why don't witches wear panties?
To get a better grip on the broom.
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump Kin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to
find out about something exciting and relate it to
the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to
call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class,
and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot
on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher
couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his
report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a
period," reported Johnnie."Well I can see that," she
said, "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my
sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack,
Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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Toon Chips
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Aliens Come In Piece
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A Little Bush
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Alls Well
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young man named Fritz
Who planted an acre of tits
They came in the fall
Rosy nipples and all
And he leisurely nibbled them to bits
There was a young man named Perkin
Who was furtively jerkin his gerkin
His wife turned to say
In utter dismay
Why Perkin, you're shirkin your furkin
There was a young man from Baroda
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her
Midst thunderous applause
She pulled down her drawers
And pissed in his whisky and soda
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sweet young thing was telling the Baptist Preacher that she had
been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her
husband sleeping with the neighbor.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child," intoned the preacher,
as he patted her hand. She fell into his arms gently sobbing.
"But," he added, as his grip tightened,
"How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first?"
Jill: The guy I have been dating is talking about getting
married.
Mary: Wow! Well, if he does ask you, do not delay!
Say, "Yes!" right away!
Jill: What is the hurry?
Mary: Men have very short memories when it comes to
that subject. Sometimes they forget before you can
even get your clothes back on.
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1896
Point of View
Dad noticed the sadness in Sandi's eyes this past trip.
The slump in her shoulders. When she tried to sneak
into the car, it was breaking two hearts. For the first time
in three weeks Sandi decided to go home with dad and
for the first time, she could not go. Dad had other stops to
make and with two dogs in the car… it would just be too
much.
What to do? What to do?
Ring ring ring..
BJ: Hello.
Sandi: Dad, I have to see more of you.
BJ: Yeah, me to.
Sandi: I have a plan. I know I had an accident in the Guthrie
house when I stayed with you but I am thinking. The weather
is nice. How about I stay in the dog run while you work?
BJ: Let me check the computer for next week. It looks okay for
Monday through Wednesday, I can't go further than that.
Sandi: Remember Mommy's going to be there Friday.
BJ: You might have to spend one day in the house if the weather
turns bad.
Sandi: I can do one day.
BJ: Okay, we can do it. Of course you will have to sleep in my bed.
Sandi sniffling: I can do that.
BJ: You will have to sit on the couch with me and watch TV.
Sandi: I can do that.
BJ: Okay Sunday you ride home with me.
Sandi: I WILL DO THAT.
The herd
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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