Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I woke up yesterday morning with a boatload of chores and errands to
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Short Chips
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I have some neighbours that are lesbians and they have a child. It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another when he says "My Mom can lick your Mom any time."
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Chili Chips
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I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No "Watson's Movement 2." Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe." He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
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Random Chips
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Two men were overheard talking about the infidelities
of an office Romeo. "I don't know how he gets away
with it," said one fellow. "The only thing I've ever
done behind my wife's back is to zip her up."
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
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A blond guy was overheard to say at the hospital...
"My wife just delivered twins..."
"So? You should be happy! Why are you so angry?"
"I want to know which Son Of Bitch is the father of the second
child!"
A man is out with his rowboat when suddenly a passing speed boat
raises huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard!
He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!
After about 2 hours he sees another row boat going by with a man and
two women in it!
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The other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.
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Respect Chips
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An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
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"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
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Short Chips
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Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?" "Please don't ask." "I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did." "How?"
"He punctured my condoms!"
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.' Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
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Southern Chips
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Things A Southerner Would Never Say:
1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won't fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
6. We don't keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can't feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
11. Wrasslin's fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. We're vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we don't need another dog.
17. Who's Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
________________________________________
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
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She begged and she pleaded for more.
I said, "We've already had four,
And I'm sure that you've heard,
Though its somewhat absurd,
That eros spelt backwards is sore."
Ross
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Parting Chips
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Little Johnny and his date were attending a concert. The auditorium was pitch dark so they started making out. Little Johnny got too excited from the hand job his girl was giving him, and he came in her hand. She panicked for a moment and then, figuring it was too dark for anyone to see what she was doing, flung the stuff as far in front of her as she could.
It hit the second violinist on the shoulder. He felt something hit him and, as he was tying to wipe it off, realized what it was. "Hey," he whispered to the first violinist, "I've got cum all over me."
"I'm not surprised," snarled the first violinist, "You've been playing like a cunt all night."
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1894
Ghosts of Peckham Past
The Sunday visit went well.
Diana's song was well met and the congregation
was friendly to BJ and Diana. Caldwell is much closer
to Peckham than Guthrie (about 30 miles away).
After leaving Peckham BJ wanted to show everyone some
of the memories he had as a youngster. BJ drove to the old
homestead where his uncle's father homesteaded as an
original 'sooner' back in the land run of 1889. There they
walked the ground….among the ghosts of the past.
BJ: I remember my uncle Steve's father and his mother
she dressed like a pioneer woman with her bonnet and
such. My uncle would tell me how the siblings would
take turns running along side the buckboard to town.
Diana: That's terrible.
BJ: No, that's good. They wanted to stay warm in the
winter. The ones who rode were cold. My uncle's
sisters drank rat poison when they were little and it
affected them mentally. One was friends with animals.
It would not be uncommon for her to have opossoms
on her shoulders or rabbits by her side. She had a
connection with the wild that I cannot describe.
I remember helping my uncle put out a wildfire.
All we had was a tractor and a shovel. We worked hard
doing that, but it had to be done. There was no fire
department.
Diana: It sounded like a hard life.
BJ: It was a wonderful life. A blessed life. On the
4th of July, we would met at a different farm every
year and celebrate our country's birthday with homemade
pies, ice cream and fireworks. It was a wonderful time, I will
never see anything like it again in my lifetime.
Diana: What was church like?
BJ: Everyone went to church and it was great. I learned
about true spiritual life there. The people wanted to be
there. They gathered together to truly worship and then
to be together socially. It was great.
Diana: Sounds perfect.
BJ: It was. I thought if Heaven was here on earth, it would be
like Peckham.
The herd
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Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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