[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For 2-20

 



Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

36 and sunny today in the Great White North and the streets have
little lakes everywhere that you could lose a vertically challenged
person in. It's so bad there was four blonds down at the corner
this morning ice fishing. I really want to just dive into those
pools
with the Suburban and splash water all the way to Canada but
you learn after living here for awhile that water and cold can leave

you with starters and brake rotors that don't want to turn the next
day.

If anyone was worried that I had overdosed on sugar yesterday
or would have trouble burning off the calories the women in my
life sent me off with a shopping list that involved two markets,
K-mart,
and Walgreen's. The back seat of my Suburban was totally packed
of course two large bags of cat food and 48 rolls of toilet paper
helped along with four bags of soda. I carried in two loads and then

sent Buffy out to carry in the rest. Got to share the exercise a
little
bit. I have been doing the shopping again lately and that means the
freezer is almost full and so is the pantry, and the menu is a
little
more varied.

Anyhow all my work is done and I only have the lists left to do
as I watch Deadliest Catch Reruns. Life is good, I hope yours is
too.

buffalo

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Gates Chips
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Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven.

When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area, which was
about the size of Massachusetts. There were millions of people
living in tents. Food and water were being distributed from the
backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their
way through the crowd.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, a staffer in
his late teens approached him. The young man was wearing a blue
T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow
letters.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice. "My name is Gabriel and
I'll be your induction coordinator."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No,
I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm a guy from Philadelphia named
Gabriel who died in a car wreck at 17. Now give me your name, last
name first, unless you were Chinese, in which case it's first name
first."

"Gates, Bill."

Gabriel started searching through the sheaf of papers on his
clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.

"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here?
Where's St. Peter? Where are the pearly gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. "It
says here that you were the president of a large software company.
Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well do the math! When this St. Peter business started, it was
easy. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could
handle it by himself."

"But now there are over five billion people on earth. When God said
to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' Ten
thousand people die every hour, over a quarter-million a day. Do you
think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So he had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter
is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. Franchisees like me
handle the actual inductions."

Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more and then continued.
"Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like
yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend eternity sitting on your bum and
drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your
weight around here!"

Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and
then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down
to induction center no. 23 and meet up with your occupational
coordinator. His name is Abraham--and no, he's not that Abraham."

Bill walked to induction center no. 23 and met with Abraham after a
mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data-processing
infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still
doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new
entries. Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing
center."

"We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a
million computers connected by a multisegment fiber-optic network,
all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a
gigabit channel. Fault tolerant, distributed processing, the works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job!
This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new
data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred
times bigger than the Astrodome. Workers were crawling all over the
place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed.

But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million
computers, arranged nearly row-by-row, half a million...
Macintoshes... all running Apple software! Not a PC in sight! Not a
single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending eternity using products he had spent his
whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.

"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? Excel???
Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "If you want to build a data
processing center based on PCs running Windows, then you'll have to
go elsewhere!"

Stan Kegel

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Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

your late husband
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marriage penalty
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3 days
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Hill Climb
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Hillary Campaign Ad
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Hillbilly Humor
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Short Chips
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"Doctor," a man told his psychotherapist, "My wife uses her vibrator
every evening and for a long time. What should I do?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "Maybe you should be more attentive to
her
sexual needs and make love to her more often..."

"It's not that, "interrupted the man, "It's just that the damn thing
interferes with the TV remote!"

On his wedding night Johnson kissed his bride on the forehead then
rolled over and went to sleep.

For the next five nights he never got any closer than an occasional
peck on the forehead. Then came Saturday and Johnson left right
after dinner to join the boys down at the poolroom.

For his wife, this was the last straw and she began to pack her
things. A few minutes later, Johnson burst into the room, grabbed
his wife, tore off all her clothes, threw her down on the bed and
began making violent love to her.

"Why, all of a sudden?" she gasped.

"Well, said Johnson, "the boys down at the poolroom told me you put
out."

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Newfie Chips
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A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean.
When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides
to stay.

But first he must find a job!

He walks into the Macmillian-Bloedel office and fills out an
application as an experienced logger. It's his lucky day! They just
happen to be looking for someone.

But first, the Bush Foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in
the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a
tree. 'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species
it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains'.

The Newfie promptly answers, 'Dat dere's a Sitka spruce, eh, And she
got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er.'

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops
about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the
passenger window and asks the same question.

This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

'Lord tunderin'!! Dat's yer Douglas fir and she got 690 board feet.'
says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly
and got the answers right without using a calculator! One more test.

They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops
again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side
window and says, 'And what about that one?'

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, 'A yeller
cedar, 242 board feet at mos'.'

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a
little pissed off because he thinks the Newfie is smarter than him.

As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the
Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him,
'See that tree over there? I want you to mark an x on the front of
that tree!!

The foreman thinks to himself, 'Idiot! How would he know which is
the front of the tree?'

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle
while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white x
on the trunk. He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
'Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure.' the Newfie states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the
hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'

The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left
boot, cleaning it in the gravel and replies, Cuz somebody took a
crap behind it, eh!'

He got the job and is now the foreman.

Stan Kegel

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Hooker Chips
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A group of one hundred freshmen from McGill University each
contributed 10 bucks to the kitty. When the money was collected,
they
drew lots to see which one would have the night's pleasure of
visiting Montreal's most famous call girl who charges one thousand
dollars for a super sex fling. That night the winner, a
love-starved,
panting youth named Spencer, went to her luxurious boudoir and
handed
her the money. "That's a huge sum of money for a college boy to
have," she told him. He explained the entire situation to her,
telling her how all the boys had drawn lots to see who would have
the
joy of her shapely favors. She was touched by the story and
remembered her early days when a buck looked plenty big in her
purse.
With softening heart she said, "I'm going to do something that I've
never done before. I'm going to give you back your money." Then she
gave him back his ten dollars.

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Bra Chips
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What To Do With 1000 Bras
~ Thanks to you, scarecrows nationwide will now get in touch with
their feminine side.

~ At Halloween: "Here's a piece of candy for you, and a little
something for your Mom."

~ You and 999 of your cross-dressing friends smuggle 2,000
cantaloupes out of the Piggly Wiggly.

~ Make 2000 lacey yarmulkes with safety chinstraps.

~ Dump them in a pile. Remove clothes. Roll ar... um, I mean "Donate
them to a women's shelter."

~ Stitch them together, tie them between two trees, and use them as
a launch vehicle for the National Missile Defense System. Twice as
effective than the one they're testing now!

~ Get 1000 mannequins and start practicing, Poindexter.

~ Creative wallpapering for the "Hobbies and Recreational
Activities" wing of the Clinton Presidential Library.

~ Time to re-stock the J. Edgar Hoover Museum gift shop!

~ "999 bras on the wall, 999 bras. Take one down and pass it around,
998 bras on the wall..."

~ Put a check beside "Phase I" of your plan to build 1,000 Britney
Spears robots.

~ Bury Tom Jones once and for all.

~ Pick out the largest and start looking for Cinderella.

~ Position friend atop skyscraper with bras.

~ Do "Native American Lingerie Dance" on sidewalk until large crowd
gathers.

~ Give the secret signal and wait for hilarity to ensue.

~ Hold them hostage until bra-less Victoria's Secret models storm
your house to get them -- and since you're dreaming anyway, they'll
bring beer.

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Snow Chips
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Southwest Virginia Poem Contest of the year 2nd Place

It's winter in Virginia
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 25 below!

Oh, how I love Virginia
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Virginia
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

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LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com

Hi Everyone Hope all is well with you
Easter and Spring is upon us :) I can't wait !!!..I hope Everyone is
having a fabulous 2010 many blessings for the upcoming year
Here is my face book page for anyone who wants to add me as there
friend ..
Once I get 5,000 members on Facebook
I will stop smoking..
Come on now motivate me people :)
Melissa

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1320218384&ref=profile

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Subscribers and Friends

Melva/Crossings4
http://www.silverandgoldandthee.com/Insp2/CrossingsDo.html

Carolyn with/Indian Love Story
http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/Misc/IndianLoveStory.html

Rose Petals
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/poems/rose.html

Truths
http://www.poetrybyken.us/ipoems27/Truths.html

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Surfin Surfari

R.I.P Alexander Haig
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Diane's Kitchen Resources
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1938 AUSTRIA TRUE STORY
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Crop Circles 2009
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Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
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Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)

Hard Drives
http://www.tomshardware.com/picturestory/525-western-digital-tour.ht
ml

Internet Explorer Saves Files As Bitmaps
http://support.microsoft.com:80/kb/810978

Web Interface Design
http://www.edtech.vt.edu/edtech/id/interface/

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Animal World

Bucky & The Beagle
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Kitty Korner
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Movie Links

Drunk trust
http://www.buffaloschips.com/83103.htm

How to drive a hummer in Iraq
http://www.buffaloschips.com/83104.htm

How to peel a banana
http://www.buffaloschips.com/83105.htm

How to think like a woman
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How to wash your cat
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Movie
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Mozart
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Neumaticob
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Nextel Dance Party
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No Fear
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Music Chips
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Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school any more.
Following are actual answers from students on music tests...

* The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called
pre-Madonna.

* Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

* Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

* All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex-actly
what
they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

* Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze
Lullaby,
the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter
Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

* Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if
they
sing without music it is called Acapulco.

* A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

* Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

* Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the
Hatfields
and the McCoys.

* I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

* Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com- positions
and
had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic.

* Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano
concerti. ---

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Toon Chips
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Close To Home
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College
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Pooch
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charm toon
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charmin
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cheap
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young lady from Cheam
Who tried out a breast-growing cream.
She awoke in the night
With a terrible fright--
Another had grown in between!

All Hail to the glandular girlie...
The sight of whose bust makes you squirrely.
It is never too late
to manipulate
And, of course, it is never too early!

There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.

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Parting Chips
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It happened on the corner of Broadway and 47th Street. The girl
leaned against the building, running her fingers through her
bleached
hair and smiling more than-casually at the male passers-by. She wore

a plaid skirt and a low-cut V-neck sweater. Finally, one of her come

hither looks paid off and a young man approached her with a familiar

glint in his eye. "Hi," he said, undressing he mentally. "Hello,
handsome." His eyes focused on her sweater and the curves it almost
covered. "What's the V for?" he asked. "Veronica?" "Uh-uh. Virgin."
"Oh, come on," he said playfully. "You're virgin?"

"No," she winked. "It's an old sweater."

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Bonus Chip
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During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners to fifth graders asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am
sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner."

Randy

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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1530

Breakfast in Bed

Dad is sleeping quite nicely when Katie starts to pull off his
covers.

BJ: Hey what the..?

Katie: Time to wake up father. Sandi has made you breakfast.

Sandi enters with a small plate with a glass of milk.

BJ: Why thank you Sandi. Why do I get breakfast in bed?

Sandi blushing: Because you are Daddy.

BJ: Hmmm this is good. What is it Sandi?

Sandi: Squirrel. I killed it fresh this morning and Rudy grilled
it for me.

Pitoey!!!

Sandi: What is the matter Daddy do you not like squirrel?

BJ: I had squirrel when I was a child at my uncles farm but we shot
it.
I daresay you killed this squirrel with you teeth.

Sandi: Of course! I am a hunter. Well if you do not want ... may
I?

BJ: Of course...well I guess I am up for the day.

The herd in Guthrie

(Sandi was eating squirrel this morning for breakfast as I was
heading
for work. Katie did pull the blanket off of me this morning and
barked at
me to get up.. my girls what am I to do with them?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Remember 9/11/01

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711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

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