Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
It is not easy at times living with a buffalo with a sense of humor.
The other day Buffy was working on Eva's Hair and when she
sat back down she had one of those stretch puffy hair ties that
look like a garter around her arm as she had decided mid-stream
to use something else.
I asked her, " What's that on your arm?" and Buffy replied, "It's a
hair
tie." I asked Buffy, " Why don't you just shave your arms." Of
course
all I got was a dirty look.
Last night Sandy has a box of Andes mints in her hand. She
commented that the mint taste was too strong and wanted to
know if they made a Bavarian Mint. I told her that the Bavarian
Mints would have to be made by a company named Alps mints
not Andes as the Andes are in South America. Same dirty look,
it must run in Sandy's Family.
Actually Andes mints are from Chicago where they were originally
called Andy's Mints. and are available in the following flavors
•Cherry Jubilee: Same trademarked 3-layer rectangular construction
as Andes Crème de Menthe, with a flavored middle that includes real
bits of cherries.
•Toffee Crunch: A delicate, rectangular wedge of smooth, buttery
toffee flavor.
•Mint Parfait: A mint-lovers favorite that inverts the Crème de
Menthe construction, offering two creamy, mint layers surrounding a
rich, chocolate-flavored middle.
•Andes Crème de Menthe Sugar Free: All the minty freshness and rich
taste with none of the sugar—offering guilt-free, after-dinner
pleasure.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Archery Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow
beginner kits. Of course, the first month i went around our land
sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did
you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds
before it goes down? Tough sumbich.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that i
was, i quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in
chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all
over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so
there really wasnt any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of
post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.
One summer afternoon, i was shooting flaming arrows into a large
rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport
and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light
bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought
that it would probably just spray out in a dissapointing manner...
lets face it to a 10 yr. old mouthbreather like myself ether really
doesnt "sound" flammable. So, i went back into the house and got a 1
pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, i set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the
can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit
around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie...
1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a
firecracker you know? You know what? Fuck that. Im going back in the
house for the other can. Yes, i got a second can of pyrodex and
dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2stroke arrow. I drew the nock
to my cheek and took aim. As i released i heard a clunk as the arrow
launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, i turned to see
my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT he just got home from
work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my
bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a
WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time
to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom.
Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Shit.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I dont know if it
was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex
jerk back from 235 fucking decibels of sound. I caught a half a
milisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and
i will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft
above the ground as far as i could see. It was like a little low to
the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a
crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...
THE FUCKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree
out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice i said "was". That
motherfucker got up and ran off.
So here i am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
thundercats Tshirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the
carport having what i can only assume is a vietnam flashback ECHO
BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GODDAMIT
CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in
the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown
out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our
backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side
of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching
the tires.
I wish i knew what i said to my dad at this moment. I dont know- i
know i said something. I couldnt hear. I couldnt hear inside my own
head. I dont think he heard me either... not that it would really
matter. I dont remember much from this point on. I said something,
felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain,
blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so
and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me
CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad
can kill him again. Thanks mom.
One thing is for sure... i never had to mow around that stump again.
Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did
anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzloaders a week or so later. And i still have some
sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the
beating. Or both.
I guess what im trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its
good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in
life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
In Iraq
http://www.thepostm
part of an hour
http://www.thepostm
relax Barb
http://www.thepostm
Harley Hazard
http://sydesjokes.
Harmonica Player At Carnegie Hall
http://sydesjokes.
Harrier Crash Into Sea
http://sydesjokes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trucking Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This trucker had been driving his eighteen wheeler for hours and he
was hot and tired so he stopped at his favorite brothel he'd
patronize for years.
Mabel answers the door and says "Hey there Ed. What can I do for
you."
Ed replies, "You know I've been trading here for twenty years and
this time I'd like something different."
"Well" says Mabel, "we got Annie, Betty and Lucy - she takes it up
the 'attic'".
"Hell no, I want something different" says Ed.
Mabel says, "Oh, I'll send Hurricane Jessie. She's new. Now you go
on to your room."
Ed goes to his room and gets all prepared. Soon this big Amazon of
a gal comes in and she's puffing and a blowing. She straddles old
Ed and starts swinging back and forth, her big boobs just knocking
hell outa his head.
He cried, "What in hell's going on?"
"I'm Hurricane Jessie and that's the coconuts falling off the
coconut trees".
Pretty soon she starts pissing all over him and says this is the
monsoon rains that come with the hurricane.
Ed jumps off the bed and Hurricane Jessie says, "What's wrong honey,
don't you like it?"
He said,"I'm leaving. Who in hell could fuck in this kind of
weather?"
Susan
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toyota Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Valued Toyota Customer
**Who knew the Wall Street Journal was this funny?**
ahttp://online.
874962.html
Feb. 5
Dear Valued Toyota Customer:
We thought we would take a moment to check on your satisfaction with
the Prius. We like to think of Toyota as one big family and wouldn't
want to see a cousin, say, decapitated by the windshield, which it
appears can swing loose from the hood under unusual circumstances,
such as braking. Because you will be braking more frequently now
that you can (see little metal square advisory, Jan. 23), please
bring the vehicle in to the dealership at your earliest convenience.
There is no cause for concern. The dealer will install a little
titanium rectangle that should hold the windshield fast in subgust
conditions and incidentally may improve your FM reception. He will
also offer you one (1) free mocha cappuccino. If he does not offer
you the mocha cappuccino, go ahead and ask him for it, and he should
remember right away. Please accept our apologies for the
inconvenience.
Sincerely,
Toyota Motor North America
Feb. 8
Dear Valued Toyota Customer:
In an abundance of caution, please find enclosed a little bronze
rhombus, a set of roadside flares, a GPS kit and a hunting knife.
Please return the GPS kit and any unused flares once the rhombus is
installed and the vehicle has stopped steering itself. You may keep
the hunting knife as a gift. By the way, do you happen to know what
titanium looks like? Just wondering.
Curiously,
Toyota Motor North America
Feb. 11
Dear Valued Toyota Customer:
Take the rectangle out. Take it out. Do not wait to visit the
dealership. Yank it, wearing an ordinary dentist's lead apron or at
least a goalie glove, and bury it twelve (12) feet deep until the
officials arrive. You will recognize them from the special suits.
Have you buried it already? We assume you checked the depth of the
water table. Please await further instructions. There is no cause
for concern. You may resume contact with infants and people with
compromised immune systems in 90 (ninety) days.
Calmly,
Toyota Motor North America
Feb. 14
Dear Valued Toyota Customer:
Will you be our valentine? Meet us at that little Italian place in
the mall, next to Old Navy, at eight (8). It's OK if you didn't get
us anything. We have something for you, a sassy little steel bolt.
We meant to give it to you when you bought your Prius, in your
Prius, to secure the engine block. That is, to ensure the engine
block is secure. For all we know, it may be snug as a bug in a rug.
Love,
Toyota Motor North America
Feb. 17
Dear etc.:
Please jam this fish in the fan belt. It couldn't hurt.
Deep bow,
TMNA
Feb. 25
Look, the goddam car is possessed. We would be happy to keep
sticking bits of metal into it if we thought it would do any good,
but there's no way the radiator should be revolving 360 degrees like
that. That's just scary. With your Prius now hissing obscenities and
spraying transmission fluid in your face, it's time to get down to
business. Father Donovan, who drove the beast out of the Dreamliner,
will visit you at midnight. He is a professional and will leave the
kids alone. He brings all his own paraphernalia and asks only that
you venture into the garage once or twice during the great struggle
to mop his brow and clean up any oil or dislodged teeth. There is no
cause for concern.
Together against Satan,
Toyota Motor North America
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe had been moping around all week, and the boss wanted to know
what was wrong. "It's my wife," he replied. "She's fooling around
with other men. "Well... I can understand your mood then." said
the boss.
"I wouldn't like that one damn bit either." "No, no." said the
bookkeeper. "It's not that. I just can't sleep with two other
people in our small bed."
As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the
groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a
golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough
of it. You'll probably never see me on the weekends." His bride
looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession
also...I'm a hooker." "No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep
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One day a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some feminists are demanding that housewives be paid a weekly salary
for all the work they do. Eventually, we'll have a housewife's
union.
I can't wait to see what happens when the housewives go on strike
and strike breakers are brought in to take their places.
I used to be a Viagra salesman, but just couldn't keep it up There
was a spam advertisement in my e-mail this morning that said, in big
letters, "Satisfy the girl with a bigger dick!" Damn, I wouldn't be
caught dead with a girl with a dick... especially if it's bigger
than mine!
School girl : "I do not want to take the Sex Education class"
Teacher : "Why not?" School girl : "Someone told me the Final Exam
would be oral!"
Medical history was recently made at a famous children's hospital.
A baby boy was born with no eyelids, so they fashioned replacements
with his circumcised foreskin. Everything seemed fine until they
realized he turned out cock-eyed.
What do you call a used tampon floating in a river?
A blood vessel.
What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two-ton pickup.
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding
went fine and they left on their honeymoon.
The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program after they
went to bed that night. The young wife felt that he was probably
tired and let him sleep for a while. A couple of hours later she was
really horny, so she decided that this had gone on long enough, but
wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge.
She woke the old fellow up.
"What's the matter," he asked.
She purred, "This side of the bed is to hard, I want to lay on your
side."
The old fart scratched his head, got up and walked around the bed.
He then got in on her side and went to sleep.
A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate
things. She was just so hot, so she awoke him again.
"What now?" he asked.
She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more
comfortable let me lie on that side."
Again he got up walked around, got in, and went to sleep. By this
time, she was really ready to make hard, passionate, sex.
She really didn't care at this point how it would appear to him. She
awoke him again and said, "No, I was wrong your side is more
comfortable. Instead of getting up, why don't you just crawl over me
and I will scoot across the bed?"
He started over and she stopped him right on top and held him.
"Now, do you know what I really want?", she asked, holding him
tightly while squirming a bit underneath his old body.
He replied, "Yeah! You want the whole damned bed! Well, you aren't
going to get it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Melva w/Happy Valentine Day1
http://silverandgol
To My Valentine
http://www.reflecti
carolyn w/ Blue Velvet ~Bobby Vinton
http://carolynsprec
Special Father
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John w/ Happy Valentines Day
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Surfin Surfari
Shapeways | passionate about creating Via Wesley
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Rash
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Expensive Hotel Rooms
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Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
have gone absolutely crazy for doing this today and tomorrow,
especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
because I think it's just the right thing to do.
Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
going to believe this...First off, thank you so much for taking a
minute to read this, my name is Justin Blake, and I'm a millionaire
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and if you're interested in knowing what it is then read below, but
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As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv) Via Wesley
Google Fiber for Communities: Think big with a gig
http://www.google.
The.Matrix-ASCII
http://onyx.
Python 101
http://www.rexx.
*+*+*+*+*+*+
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
http://www.cirr.
Kitty Korner
http://www.siamese-
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Movie Links
Football
http://www.buffalos
Football Season
http://www.buffalos
Fruit Cake
http://www.buffalos
Fruit Cake Lady
http://www.buffalos
Fruit Cake Lady 2
http://www.buffalos
Shooting Star
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Slicing Fruit With Playing Cards
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Smooth Roll
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Soccer
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Swimming Lessons
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another
minute
with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the
phone
so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim
expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heaven," his date replied....
"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
------------
Q. Where do sunflowers go at night?
A. To flower beds.
------------
Employee: Boss, I've been here 11 years, doing three men's work for
one
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Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but tell you what.... if you
tell
me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
bowling
http://www.buffalos
boxer
http://www.buffalos
boxers
http://www.buffalos
boy panties
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bra burning
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1523
"I Shot an Arrow into the Air..."
BJ: So what is with the Robin Hood outfits Katie?
Katie: Rudy is Little John and Sandi is Friar Tuck. We have these
new bows and arrows and are going to become very good with them
father.
BJ: What is Rudy doing with that bale of hay?
Katie: He is setting up a target for me father. Rudy a bit more to
the left!
Watch this father.
BJ: Shouldn't you wait for Rudy to get out of the way Katie?
Katie: I am not a very good shot father. I probably can't get the
arrow
there anyway... TWANG!!
Sandi: Very good shot Katie...sailing quite well and true... FORE!!
BJ: RUDY DUCK!!!
Rudy: Ducks. I don't see any ducks. OUCH!!
Sandi: Ow right in the but then again it could have been worse.
BJ: Yeah it was barely flying when it got there.
Katie is shaking...
Sandi: I think Rudy is rather steamed Katherine...
and he is
picking up a rather large tree stump.
Katie: I think I need to head for my dog house. Zoom!!!
BJ: I guess this mean Robin Hood's days are over.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful
young woman at the other end of the bar.
"Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it
on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile.
A moment later he's at her side.
"That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with
you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm
a
professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred
dollars. Now, if that's not what you had in mind, I certainly
understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I
like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure,
let's go upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering.
There's
something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both
Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount."
"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty
percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making
any profit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old People's Pickup Lines
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like ... where exactly
are we again?"
"Do you smell that? That's either love, or Iused too much ointment
this morning."
"Yes, I'm 92 ... but I have the body of a 78-year-old.
"WHO'S your granddaddy?"
"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue
hair, too."
"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about coming home with me
and ... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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http://buffaloschip
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1523
"I Shot an Arrow into the Air..."
BJ: So what is with the Robin Hood outfits Katie?
Katie: Rudy is Little John and Sandi is Friar Tuck. We have these
new bows and arrows and are going to become very good with them
father.
BJ: What is Rudy doing with that bale of hay?
Katie: He is setting up a target for me father. Rudy a bit more to
the left!
Watch this father.
BJ: Shouldn't you wait for Rudy to get out of the way Katie?
Katie: I am not a very good shot father. I probably can't get the
arrow
there anyway... TWANG!!
Sandi: Very good shot Katie...sailing quite well and true... FORE!!
BJ: RUDY DUCK!!!
Rudy: Ducks. I don't see any ducks. OUCH!!
Sandi: Ow right in the but then again it could have been worse.
BJ: Yeah it was barely flying when it got there.
Katie is shaking...
Sandi: I think Rudy is rather steamed Katherine...
and he is
picking up a rather large tree stump.
Katie: I think I need to head for my dog house. Zoom!!!
BJ: I guess this mean Robin Hood's days are over.
The herd in Guthrie
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Adult Adult Adult
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