Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
February is here and I have always felt cheated by that month.
You only had 28 days to earn the money for bills that were the
same as the ones you had in the 30 day months. It always
seemed that with the bills from Christmas and then Buffy's
Birthday and finally Easter that the chance of getting caught up
on bills wasn't going to happen till at least Memorial Day.
Famous Birthdays ...
February
1. Lisa Marie Presley, Clark Gable, Ann From Ohio
2. Christie Brinkley, Graham Nash, Farrah Fawcett
3. Fran Tarkenton, Norman Rockwell, Buffy Brabant\
4. Charles Lindbergh, Dan Quayle, Lawrence Taylor
5. Hank Aaron, Mary In NW Ga, Mary Jo Hostetler
6. Ronald Reagan, Babe Ruth, Axl Rose
7. Garth Brooks, Sinclair Lewis
8. Nick Nolte, Ted Koppel, Audrey Meadows
9. Carole King, William H. Harrison, Joe Pesci
10. Greg Norman, Mark Spitz, Dennis Alarie
11. Jennifer Aniston, Thomas Edison
12. Abraham Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Sue Adams
13. Chuck Yaeger, Bess Truman
14. Drew Bledsoe, Jimmy Hoffa, Florence Henderson
15. Susan B. Anthony, Jaromir Jagr, Galileo Galilei
16. John McEnroe, Sony Bono, Ice-T
17. Michael Jordan, Jim Brown, Chaim Potok
18. Yoko Ono, Vanna White, Matt Dillon, John Travolta
19. Justine Bateman, Eddie Arcaro, Smokey Robinson
20. Bobby Unser, Cindy Crawford, Peggy MacGregor
21. David Geffen, Barbara Jordan
22. George Washington, Julius Erving, Drew Barrymore
23. Peter Fonda
24. Joe Lieberman, Steven Jobs, Enrico Caruso
25. George Harrison, Sally Jessy Rafael
26. Michael Bolton, Tony Randall, Lucille Eddings
27. Chelsea Clinton, Elizabeth Taylor, John Steinbeck
28. Eric Lindros, Mario Andretti, Bernadette Peters
29. Jimmy Dorsey
Thanks to Bonnie for those.
Enjoy the chips...... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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MRE Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is absolutely HILARIOUS..for those of us who have eaten these
things we can definitely understand how she felt-----
For all of you who Know what an MRE is... And those that don't this
is too funny and true not to read.
MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the
point of view of a young Marine.
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day
before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had
before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had
never eaten before.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field
rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in
each meal.
Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their
plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of
Chicken-a-la-
some dehydrated/rehydrat
I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautd in shaved
garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken
a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that
looked suspiciously like succotash.
I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan
that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops,
and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE
cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things
from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on
it, it looks fancy right?
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voilaanger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military
Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
Special"...it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed
in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I
swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with
sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... Could've been
leftover sand from Egypt ).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China
(that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over
$600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a
crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-
saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!
We dug in, and she loved the food.
Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make
it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about
cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I
had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she
drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she
squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh?
Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me
HOURS to make... Yup!
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener
(Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes
smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious
pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to
the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the
hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves
into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I
heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air
freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly.
Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom,
slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing
so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"
I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and
showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food
that was made 3 years ago?"
After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off
without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit
for
5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate
could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been
working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she
never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was
PERSONALLY present and supervising.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that
that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
while I had been in tears on the couch.
I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
what are you looking at
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how much
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I'm looking
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Good Brakes
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Good Friends
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Good Phone Advert
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you.
You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't
understand why it wasn't.
Well, I will enlighten you. In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In
1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a
wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.
In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other
I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death.
In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A
mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the
doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor
had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and
the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw,
and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the
three small children as a souvenir.
I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble
getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some
excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I
pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as
she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the
bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.
The next year my troubles really started.
My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with
a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best
bull.
In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered
six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of
bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The
queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a
whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted
like shit so I couldn't sell it.
So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me
trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke.
Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a
wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.
Yours for more credit,
Max
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Cleaver told his wife, "I think we need to find a new
baby-sitter for little Wally. This Judi is just too worldly-wise
for a teenager."
"But Wally said she told him some sort of interesting story about
animals last night," Mrs. Cleaver replied, "Uh huh. And when I
asked little Wally about it, he said it was about a wolf who was
trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a beaver."
A man, suspecting his wife of infidelity, hired a detective to
shadow her. After a few days the detective discovered the wife in
her own room with a boy friend in an exceptionally fond embrace on
the divan.
Quickly locating the husband, he brought him to the home where both
peeked in through the door and found the couple still making love.
Visibly shocked, the husband invited the detective into the kitchen,
saying: "Let's have some coffee while I think." The detective
replied:
"Certainly, thanks, but just make me one cup. That's all I'm
allowed."
"Sure," said the husband, "that's enough for me, too." So they
retired to the kitchen where the husband silently brewed two
steaming cups of coffee. As they sat down to drink, the detective
broke the silence:
"Well, what about the fellow in there?" Replied the husband: "Oh,
the hell with him; let him make his own coffee."
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any
boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for
advice with boys. "Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started
French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I
don't want to dribble on my boyfriend." "Swallow." Her aunt advised.
"This will make you even more popular later on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time Life - The World at War - The most powerful documentary ever
made.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Retirement Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered
for early retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a
straight line between any two points in his body. The officer's got
to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet
and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he
would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my
testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to
reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two
officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by
a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em",
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the
tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he
suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?"
The Captain calmly replied..."Vietnam"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Golden Age of Country
Enjoy hours of memorable and influential hits from the 50's and
60's. This incredible collection features 158 hits from country
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
These days the only real "safe sex" involves going out with a man
who's impotent.
Meanwhile, back at the oasis, the Arabs were eating their dates.
If Dracula hired a lady of the evening, could she be considered
"Down for the count"?
While it might be considered somewhat, er, shall we say 'outre',"
the physician told the inquiring husband. "I don't see any real
harm from your wife's night-creaming her genital area with various
whipped edible varieties." "But Doc !!!" the man persisted. "I'm
already 30 pounds overweight."
The evangelist was haranguing the crowd and carrying on and on about
sin, "The wages of sin are high." he bellowed. A young man sitting
in the back yelled out, "Not if you can find somebody who'll do it
for free."
I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at
everything. For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist,
but he sucked on the organ.
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation: "Listen
honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment
and really make love?" Ex-: "Over my dead body!" Husband: "Great!
But I see you haven't changed one bit The English teacher of the
girls school used to fail all her students who did not put a
full-stop at the end of their sentences. I guess, she really hated
it when her girls missed their periods.
"Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a
peanut!" "You mean it's small?" "No it's salty!"
What happens to a man who spends the night at a gay bar?
He wakes up with a queer taste in his mouth.
Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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This offer is not available in stores.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A stenographer who was struck on the shoulder by a flying paper
clip, decided to visit the company doctor. It was her first visit
there, and being naturally shy, she hesitated a while before going
over to a middle-aged man, explained her trouble and asked him to
examine her shoulder. He responded agreeably, and began to examine
her thoroughly.
It was not long until the blushing young maiden looked down and
said, "But Doctor, that isn't my shoulder you're examining." "That's
all right," he said, "I'm not the Doctor."
Murray had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of
opinion. "I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys,"
he ranted, "That must stop!" "Calm down, Murray," she replied,
"There's no reason for you to flip. Listen, don't I always let you
take me to shows?" "Yeah." "And to dinner?" "That's right." "And
don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?"
"Yeah." "So what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I
only use the other guys for love-making.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Try the Cardio Twister today for only $14.95.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Melva/The Love of God
http://silverandgol
Birth Verse
http://WWW.birthver
Harbinger
http://www.poetryby
Beautiful Bridges
http://www.shangral
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Now It's Your Turn To SCOOP UP some cash.
Wireless companies have accidentally stumbled and "opened up" an
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Surfin Surfari
Cars
http://www.lov2xlr8
LCS 2 USS Independence
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Jan/Feb Sower magazine - Jesus Christ:
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l
Salmonella Warning - Cases in 38 states.
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
have gone absolutely crazy for doing this today and tomorrow,
especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
because I think it's just the right thing to do.
Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
going to believe this...First off, thank you so much for taking a
minute to read this, my name is Justin Blake, and I'm a millionaire
that was dared to do something insane tonight and tomorrow morning,
and if you're interested in knowing what it is then read below, but
you'll need to hurry because you may only have a few minutes to take
advantage of this:
As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
Business Kit, but I'm only giving it away this today and tomorrow
morning.....
Press here to get your copy:
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Gadgets
http://www.gadgetre
New Valentine's Day Animations
http://www.shangral
London Stock Exchange switches to Linux Via Wesley
http://tinyurl.
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Listen, you will have no one but yourself to blame if you don't go
on an intimate date this weekend with a beautiful single woman or
man! NO ONE BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME!!!
Why will we blame you? Because we are giving away memberships to our
ADULTS ONLY dating community this week....and you can get one right
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PRESS HERE to meet single women or men this week for an intimate
date:
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
http://www.donaldch
Kitty Korner
http://www.cfainc.
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Movie Links
Midgey
http://www.buffalos
Momma Is Santa
http://www.buffalos
Morning Peepers
http://www.buffalos
Moshonov
http://www.buffalos
Mother's Day
http://www.buffalos
Moulin Huge
http://www.buffalos
Love 2008
http://www.buffalos
Love Boat
http://www.buffalos
Lucha
http://www.buffalos
Luckiest Man On The Planet
http://www.buffalos
Lucky 1
http://www.buffalos
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bar Chips
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A well-traveled man walks into a bar and tells the bartender,
"For $50, you can mix any cocktail you want without my knowledge
and I can tell you the ingredients!
The bartender takes up the challenge and mixes up an odd
combination. The man takes a sip and says:
"I taste vanilla vodka, canadian whiskey, and diet coke."
The bartender is astonished. "You're right." He makes another.
"This drink," says the man, "contains Puerto Rican rum, Tab,
Dr. Pepper, and gin."
Again, the bartender is amazed at the man's ability. This goes
on for a few more rounds and the bartender has lost a good bit
of money. He decides to stump the man.
"If I can make a cocktail you can't identify, you have to pay
back all the money I've already given you."
The man agrees and laughs.
The bartender pours a glass of tap water and gives it to
the man.
"By golly, you've done it! I have no idea what this is. I can
tell you one thing though: whatever it is, it won't sell!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big City Slider - Mini Burger Cooker
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Cook the perfect burgers with Big City Slider today!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
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Aol Toilet
http://www.buffalos
apple
http://www.buffalos
apples
http://www.buffalos
appointment
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arab blowup doll
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arab get oil
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Emery Cat is The Fun New Kitty Scratcher That Actually Grooms
Cats Claws While They Play! The secret is the patented honeycomb
surface that works like a nail file, gently filing away sharpness.
Your package includes:
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Cute, playful kitty toy
Packet of catnip
Bonus De-shedder
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
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There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
____________
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest
She kept asking, "hey Pop, is it in?"
____________
Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night, "
(Isaac Asimov)
<Snagged by>
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The new Buxton Palm Wallet will hold everything and keep it
organized so you can find what you need fast. Store everything
neatly and securely in a wallet that fits in the palm of your hand!
Real genuine leather
Dual compartments
Available in black, brown or red
Includes magnifier card
Security zipper
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fifty Ways To Love Your Beaver
(sung to the tune of "Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover.")
I was a virgin not much older than 16
I was as horny as a young girl's ever been
My friend said, "Please yourself ... it's safe and not obscene!"
There must be fifty ways to love your beaver.
Fifty ways to love your beaver.
Just finger the pie, Di
Diddle the clam, Pam
Why not masturbate, Kate
And listen to me
Touch yourself THERE, Claire
You'll feel better everywhere!
Go stroke where you pee, Lee
And set yourself FREE!
She said "You know it hurts me so to see you in such need.
But you know now you don't have to deal with men and messy seed." I
said "I appreciate that ... and I'll follow your lead and use the
fifty ways."
She said, "Why don't you just take home this vibrator tonight And I
believe that when you try it you'll begin to see the light." And
when
I felt it buzz, I realized she probably was right! There must be
fifty ways to love your beaver. Fifty ways to love your beaver.
Just finger the pie, Di
Diddle the clam, Pam
Why not masturbate, Kate
And listen to me
Touch yourself THERE, Claire
You'll feel better everywhere!
Go stroke where you pee, Lee
And set yourself FREE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heel-Tastic is the incredible, easy-to-use, roll-on cracked heel
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Additional Ordering Details:
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rabbi meets three Jewish PWD [People with Disabilities] at a
neighborhood association meeting. He, of course, invites them to
come to his synagogue some Friday night for services and stay for
the oneg Shabbat.
Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting,
they all actually show-up. Attendance was good in the small Jewish
shul and there wasn't a seat available. Already several members
were seated on folding chairs.
When the rabbi, just starting the service, saw the three PWD
enter, he leaned down and whispered to the nearest usher, who
was a little hard of hearing, "Please, Stan, get three chairs for
my disabled friends in the back."
The usher leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my disabled friends," repeated the rabbi.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the rabbi tried, speaking slowly and distinctly..
" Three chairs. For the cripples, " he enunciated, a bit louder
than the last time.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face
the congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the
assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Cripples!"
Patricia
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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