Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
From The Archives
At the city's parades the Antique Tractor Association is always
present with their old tractors and engines. Most of them are
tractors that farmers were using every day when I was young.
Some like the International W-4, Farmall H and M, and the
Ford 8N are still everyday workhorses. When I was young my
dad's tractors were all on steel wheels. He used them in the
woods and pulley power for the buzz saw and only occasional
plowing for a garden. Steel Wheels are fine on dry hard ground
but hit a wet spot and the steel wedges on the wheels that give
you traction will have you buried to the frame in two spins.
The popular way to get out was to chain a fence post to the
wheel and let the tractor pull itself up on the post. If you
weren't careful the fence post would come around and knock
you out to the south forty like Babe Ruth.
The first rubber tired tractor we had was a Farmall F-20 made
in the mid 30's. It had 20 drawbar horsepower and would pull
a double bottom plow and it was a row crop tractor. This meant
that the front wheels were close together and if you hit a whole
or a plow furrow it would jerk the steering wheel violently out
of your hands. You always drove with your hands open on the
wheel and ready to hit the clutch. This let the wheel slip if you
hit something and prevented broken wrists or thumbs. The
other danger of the wheels turning suddenly was the chance of
a rollover. We all lost friends crushed under those type of
tractors,
all of who made the same mistakes of driving to fast for where they
were at. I never got a chance to drive the F-20. We had just got
a few cows and built a barn and we were taking In loose hay
using a mower, dump rake, and loader all designed for horses
that had a tractor hitch added. These all required someone to
operate them and as the oldest at 10 I was designated to ride them
and pull the levers and push the foot pedals. It was boring and
I was in a world of my own dreaming of being a fighter pilot
or such and I would dump the hay in random spots instead
of a straight line and my dad would be up on the tractor swearing
at me loud enough you could here him a half mile away.
Later after everything was dry you came back with a hay loader
hooked behind the wagon and the drum and the fingers picked
the hay up about ten feet in the air and dropped it on the wagon.
I was up there with a pitchfork spreading the hay out over the
wagon and packing it down till the hay got up above the hay loader.
I paid attention when I was doing this because if you got too close
to the edge of the wagon you fell off with a big chunk of hay.
I'll tell you some more tomorrow....
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Pope Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground
in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the
edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a
"Save the Whales" hat, and a "To hell with Bush" T-Shirt, was
screaming while struggling frantically, and thrashing around trying
to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The
other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat
from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers
finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their
truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come
over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I
heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own
eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who
was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get
another one?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day
you
push the clocks ahead."
Thought for the Day: Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late in
returning with supplies, the farmer demanded, "Okay, now let's hear
how it happened, Miller."
"Well, I picked up a minister along the road," explained the hired
hand, "and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I
said."
Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife
lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red
bruises and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been
ravaged in sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the
nightstand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, " What is going
on here, who did this to you?"
His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one Doug, Whenever I try to
smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!"
A senior nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.
"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you.
The
men on this floor are almost well."
I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking
past an empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you
using that cart?"
"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Little Johnny Chips
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Little Johnny got the crabs from a girlfriend and wanted to know how
to get rid of them. There are three options.
1. Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will think
that there is another crotch to jump off onto.
2. Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire
and stab the crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the first
half.
3. Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of milk
duds. When the movie is really getting to a point of real excitement
be sure to drop some of the popcorn into your lap so the crabs can
eat some of the popcorn. The salt in the popcorn will make the crabs
really thirsty, and they will go to the lobby to get some water.
While they are gone, you get up and move to another seat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown
on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long
chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.
In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you
like my airplane, huh?"
The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring
the landing field."
In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, my
friend, a gynecologist, struck up a casual conversation.
After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico," he
asked his patient, "So when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked, "You can tell all that from a
pelvic exam?"
Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say.
* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at
them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bad Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink then stands up
and yells across the bar "Who is the baddest man in here?"
This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am."
Well, the little guy goes over and whips the shit out of the big man
and leaves.
Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip
the shit out of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This
goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do
something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla.
Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says
"Who's the baddest man here?"
Bartender says "he's in the bathroom!"
After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out
of the bathroom and tells the bartender when the guy in the bathroom
wakes up tell him his fur coat is in the trash can
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Trivia Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Bit Of History Trivia You find these facts interesting, some of
which you may not know. Enjoy, learn and laugh!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was
either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington
showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while
others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters
were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how
many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore
painting them would cost the buyer more money.
Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'
Hands were also extra and many rennaisance painters charged an extra
5 guilders for hands. (Artists know hands, feet and arms are more
difficult to paint)
*******
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a
year (May and October) It took a lot of time to prepare a bath.
Water had to be boiled a pot at a time and poured into the tub by
the help. Usually several people took a bath in the same water.
Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads because
of lice and wore wigs.. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made
from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would
carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for
30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the
term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig'
because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
*******
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many
women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women
would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their
complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman
began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own
bee's wax.' Should the woman too largly smile, the wax would crack,
hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too
close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the
expression 'losing face.'
*******
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only
one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall,
and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in
the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor or kneeling.
Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit
in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were
important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair
the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title
'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'
******* Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front or the
back. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'. .
Wore a tightly tied lace. some would pull them down to 16 inches or
less in the corset. This made them more prone to fainting or
'getting the vapors' because they couldn't breath.
*******
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a
tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the
'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51
cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people
were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with
a full deck.' Early Tarot decks were designed to teach lessons in
symbolism and religion by early pagan Europeans because some pagan
religious teachings were outlawed by the catholic church on penalty
of death. The cards were good because one didn't need to know how
to read to intrepret them.
*******
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine
what the people considered important.. Since there were no
telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to
local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale'
and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many
assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here'
and 'You go sip there.' they were told. The two words 'go sip' were
eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we
have the term 'gossip.'
*******
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and
quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the
customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close
attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was
drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term 'mind your 'P's and Q's '
*******
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters
carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.
It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However,
how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage
method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top,
resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a
supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right
next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the
bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The
solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round
indentations.
However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would
quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make
'Brass Monkeys..' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much
more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would
come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold
enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you
thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)
******
If you don't send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to any and
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Tom Roberts - vegetguy
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Movie Clips
Honest Stopper
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Never Point An RPG at A Marine
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Racism On A Plane
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Self Smart
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Happy New Year
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Hard Day
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Hombres
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bravest man in the world is the man who comes home drunk,
covered
in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the
backside and says, "You're next, fatty."
Confucius says ... Learn to masturbate--
When I lived in an apartment complex, a good friend of mine lived
there also and decided it was time for her to get a boob job. Since
I'd been through it, she asked me to go with her. Everything went
well, and that summer we were both at the pool getting some sun. One
of the regular guys in our group, who'd had his eye on my girlfriend
for some time, said to me, "There's something different about your
friend this year, but I can't quite put my finger on it." After I
finished laughing, I said, "And you probably never will either!"
Predicament: That embarrassing wait for the Viagra to kick in. (Milo
Sauer)
Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her
aviaries. The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean
ovaries. Aviaries are where you find birds." Frannie shook her head
and said she meant *aviaries*. Not prepared to argue, the doctor
told
her to get on the couch for an inspection. After a quick look, he
said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in
there."
The blonde peed on the floor because the sign said "wet floor."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.
She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"
So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.
Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
July, 1947
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over
60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying
object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep
and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is
a well known incident that many say has long been covered up
by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and
organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of
April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the
following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of
things for you. It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
Now You Know.
BJC
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent'
95-year-old
Grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
Advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the
Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
Gordon
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flies Away
Stop swatting, shooing, and spraying and get the ultimate
green invention for getting rid of flies.
Protect your farm, your home, your property, and your
barbecues from fly invasion.
Just add water plus the bait and hang outside. That's it!
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Traps & Kills up to 20,000 flies!
Currently used by farmers, equestrians to get rid of flies.
Patented, bio-degradable and non-toxic bait, used by the U.S.
Military.
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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