Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Today is the national observance of our Independence from Britain.
Our celebrations are always awesome in most every town large or
small and a good example of this is a little town called Brimley
about 15 miles from us. For a town its size with only about 1,400
people they always manage a parade and a fireworks show that is the
envy of larger towns. The fireworks are sponsored by a local
fireworks store located on the Indian reservation across from the
Casino that at this time of year is one of the most popular stops in
the whole county. About ten years ago I went out there and purchased
several hundred dollars worth of various fireworks ranging from safe
and sane stuff like fountains for use in town and the less sane
variety with things like 3 inch mortars for out in the country. I
had the owner help me pick the things out with an emphasis on things
that wouldn't upset my next door neighbors in town as our houses are
only several feet apart and although the police somewhat tolerate
firework use like bottle rockets and firecrackers on the fourth
there is a limit to everything.
Fourth of July came and after the fireworks and fighting the traffic
home, about midnight we broke out the bag of fireworks and went out
on the front sidewalk and set off some of the small fountains and
let the kids play with sparklers and the small novelties like tanks
and smoke bombs. When they tired of that, I broke out a large
wrapped cylinder about the size of a layer cake that said fountain
with stars on it and a big fuse out of the top. I set the thing on
the sidewalk and lit it off and to my surprise the thing started
spitting out sparks 15 feet in the air and hurling golf ball sized
balls of flame over a 30 foot circle barely missing the neighbors
cars and the porch roof and leaving little scorch marks on the
sidewalk and grass when the balls landed. To make matters worse it
consisted of twenty small tubes and lasted about 5 minutes. About
the middle of its performance I ran out and flipped the device over
making a worse mess on the sidewalk but at least stopping any damage
to the neighboring houses. That was the end of that, I kept the
firecrackers and novelties and gave the rest of the stuff away. I
am sure the owner of the fireworks store was chuckling to himself
when he sold me the stuff as he knew where I lived.
Be safe tonight, don't lose an eye or fingers playing with fireworks
and remember to put your pets in some place quiet and safe before
the
festivities start.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Viagra Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After several disastrous attempts to synchronize his own and his
wife's
libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver
was
delighted to hear about a new product called Now!-Agra. Each pill
came
with strict instructions; 'To be taken only immediately before sex'.
So Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some
satisfactory
action - and arranged to be home by six that evening. Whilst he was
finishing his day's work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble
bath,
listened to her favourite records, and was truly relaxed and ready
when
the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine
she
was beginning to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered.
"What happened?"
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to
park the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes
wouldn't
make any difference so I said yes. Then I took out the pill, and
somehow, after all our other problems, I thought I ought to give it
time
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"And..."
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering
wheel..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Whoops
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stiff
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny,
who signed the Declaration of Independence?
He was older than some of the others. He said, " Damn
if I know who signed the fucking thing."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told
him to go home and to bring his father with him when
he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back
of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She
started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the
boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of
Independence?
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't
know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger
at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that fucking thing, you
damn well better own up to it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Pool Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now a few rules for what women can and cannot wear at a private
pool.
1) Thongs are encouraged..
met.
1A) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square
inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing
suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a
string bikini should be frowned upon.
1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool
and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more
cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson's Epic type
movies.
2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing
suits... plain and simple. Damn, I know it's a sexist world, but
it's the world that we live in.
3) Curlers are strictly verboten.
Now that Summer is here, here are a few rules for what men can and
cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following
conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo,
you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your
chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing
to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should
not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do
finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the
other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly
hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out
as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do
not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging
from your loins.
1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip
the Speedo.
1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman
in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you
should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and
not for the pool thankyouverymuch.
2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing
suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner
shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as
you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but
it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at
midday, so keep your boys hidden.
3) No thongs under any circumstances.
4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sex Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words You Do Not Want To Hear During Sex
* "You feel almost as good as my wife."
* "You know, your mother is so much better!"
* "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
* "Oh my God!!! 3.5 seconds, a new record"!!!!!
* "Do you mind? I'm trying to watch TV."
* "Darling, don't you think that the ceiling needs painting?"
* "Oh Janet!" . And your name is Carol
* "Will you please hurry up there is a really good movie coming on
in
one minute."
* "Is it hurting? I can't even feel it."
"* Is it in yet?"
* "Do you think your sister would like to join us?"
* "Finished! I didn't think you started yet."
* "But you said you would be through by the time the commercial was
over."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Test Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles
refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants, having the same
qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the
test, each man had missed only one question out of ten.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest,
but
we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked, "and why are you giving him the job? We each got nine
questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern
boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. For question # 4 the
Yankee wrote; 'I don't know.' And you wrote, 'Neither do I.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Convert Your Car To Burn Water + Gasoline = Double Your Mileage!
Couple of weeks ago, this company was on Coast to Coast radio show
talking about their product for three hours. I liked their idea of
using your battery to generate hydrogen and oxygen from water to
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car, a fleet of vehicles, or open a profitable business in this time
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Business Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Potential Investor: I know you are always
looking for sound opportunities for investment.
I don't know if you would be interested in this,
but I thought I would mention it to you because
it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of
money with very little investment.
A group of us are considering investing in a large
cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our
purpose to start rather small, with about one
million cats. Each cat averages about twelve
kittens each year; skins can be sold for about
20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents
for the black. This will give us 12 million cat
skins per year to sell at an average price of
around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3
million a year. This really averages out to $10
thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays.
A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats
per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take
663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit
would be over $8,200 per day.
Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively.
Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We
would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If
we start with a million rats, we will have four rats
per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the
carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give
each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this
that this business is a clean operation -- self-
supporting and really automatic throughout. The
cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats
and we will get the skins.
Let me know if you are interested; as you can
imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get
into this, and want the fewest investors possible.
Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with
snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a
year! This would save the labor costs of skinning
as well as give me two skins for one cat.
May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?
Sincerely,
The CatWoman
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Subscribers and Friends
July 4th Fireworks RiverSongs Greeting Cards 4th of July Ecards
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John w/ Happy 4th Of July
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AngelRays 4th Of July E-cards
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Happy Birthday America
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American Tribute
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John w/ I Am The Flag
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History and Legends of Hot Dogs
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Children's Songs For july 4th
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History Of Fireworks
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Firework Safety
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Safe and Sane Fireworks
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BBQ Ribs
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Judy w/The True Heroes
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Judy w/The Wall Of Love
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If after completing the free Diagnostic Test it is brought to your
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then it may be in your computer's best interest to fix the
potentially harmful file errors in your registry.
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July 4th Photo Tips
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Southbreeze w/ July 4th
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Southbreeze w/ Flag
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Judy w/ Independence Day
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Judy w/ The ParaChute
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Movie Clips
Jamacos
http://www.buffalos
Just Walk It ff Sissy
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The Vasectomy Song
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Kangaroo Court
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Kilted Scotsman
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Robbery
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Roll Over Donner Pass
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Russian Bar Trio
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Snow Plow
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The 1
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded
his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and
allow
him to have sex with her that way. "And just where have you been
until
this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally
arrived home. "Down at the office," he replied, "working like a
dog."
It was the first day of school. Each member of this third grade
class
had to go up to the black board and draw a representation of their
summer. Little Johnny got up and drew a dot. The teacher asked him
what it was supposed to represent. He replied, "It is a period." The
teacher said, "What does that have to do with your summer?" Johnny
said, "Well, my 15 year-old sister couldn't find hers, so my mom
fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the 21 year-old guy next
door shot himself!"
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th
anniversary. "Ha!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be
the day you can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her
skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward. "There!
I
have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!" "That's not your
chest!" he roars back. "Damn right it's my chest!" she argued.
"Before
we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was
your
treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest... and if you
don't buy me a fur coat... it will soon become The Community Chest!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
call ahead
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call the paramedic
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calorie1
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camel toe
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A carpenter living in Crewe,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
Once assisted a whore
With the hinge of her door,
But he made her pay for the screw.
My boss is a fellow named Sid
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid
Just outside his door
A sign said, "Wet floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it ... and did!
It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled
by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his
healthy
income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head
over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there
some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched
drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone,
hurried
meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for
us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father
tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the
other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she
doesn't want to.
Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn
over and she says "No, my father said I don't have to do this."
Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted
children."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1638
A Routine Distrubted
Every night at 8:30 pm I take the dogs out for their last bathroom
break
before morning. It works out great. They are used to it.
Everything is
great. The exceptions are: if it is raining, thunderstorms, heavy
snow
or some other freak of nature. Well then there is this time of
year.
BJ: Okay guys it is time to go outside.
Katie: Yahoo!
Rudy: Women and children first, after me that is!
Sandi: I am going to stay close to Daddy.
Everyone is outside and after only a couple of minutes....
Bang! Pow! Pop!
Rudy: What the heck?
Katie: Not the words I am thinking of but I am heading back into
the
house.
Sandi: Me to, there is a war going on.
Rudy: A-Rooo!!!
BJ: Guys, it is just the neighbors setting off firecrackers.
By now the dogs are inside the house and all noses are pressed
against
the window pane.
BJ goes into the house and tries to explain... to no avail.
Rudy grumbling: We will just have to wake up Pops at two am.
Katie: Yes, it is not our fault.
BJ: Groan.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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