Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
If you drive a large, rusty, rear-wheel drive vehicle that you want
to get rid of, there seems to be a big market for them in rural
towns right now. County fairs are approaching and everyone
is looking for demolition derby cars. It's a lot of fun to
participate
in or watch and it does get those old gas guzzling eyesores
off of the road permanently. A few cars that I had retired found
themselves with their windows and interiors removed and their
gas tanks replaced with a small one from an outboard motor,
and though they never won, they did take out some other
vehicles before they died. To tell the truth most vehicles that I
have driven are no longer road worthy when I am done with
them so it is not like anyone could use them.
Nancy and I are putting the final touches on my mom's obituary
right now. If you have never done one of these it is the equivalent
of the big final in history class. You only have one chance to get
it right and then it is a piece of history forever. We tried hard to
put all of the names and dates in the wrong place, not wanting a
mistake like with my dad's obituary where a couple of unknown
names were added were added to the list of survivors. Although
it became a source of humor later on it was embarrassing at the
time.
One thing that my mother is probably laughing about right now
is that the newspaper article in Spokane and the sault had her
listed
as being 9 years younger than what she was.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright
Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up.
"'Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good", said the teacher!
Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Little Johnny, "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed;
Little Johnny knows more about
history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Little Johnny put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that!?"
Again, Little Johnny says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997 !"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."
Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice,
"Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"
Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."
Jim
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Bush News Flash
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Bush Nominees
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Fly Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he
cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the
bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink
on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a
hard-hearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with
her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets,
on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind
her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of
a sudden he feels her body close against his, and
her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and
she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You
excite me so much...take me shopping!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Elected Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Elected Official Infidelity Quiz
In the interest of providing the public with a service it has needed
for some time? especially these past few days? we proudly present
the
first failproof quiz to determine: IS YOUR ELECTED OFFICIAL HAVING
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AFFAIR?
Look closely at his or her (come on? who are we kidding?? his)
behavior, and mark "X" next to any of the following items that
apply.
Or even "XXX."
Has he left for a foreign country carrying only a Speedo and a
bottle
of Jack Daniel's?
Did he sponsor or co-sponsor legislation titled "No love child left
behind"?
When he closed the door to his office, were there giggles audible
from
the inside? Were these followed by "wait, let me tell those darn
senators I'm in a budget meeting" and then more giggles and the
popping of a cork?
The last time he denied to the press that he was having an affair,
did
he keep one hand hidden behind his back?
When questioned by reporters as to why he was leaving a Marriott at
3
in the morning on his wife's birthday, did he mumble, "You guys ever
hear of an Arbor Day planning session that finished on time?"
When asked to disclose his whereabouts after three or four days, did
his wife reply, "Why the heck are you asking me?"
When asked to disclose his whereabouts after three or four days, did
his chief of staff reply, "He's on the Appalachian Trail"?
Has he ever been spotted in a Victoria's Secret near the airport on
his way to a conference with the president of Gabon?
On the campaign trail, did he swear to be "a man you can thrust" and
then turn beet red?
Or did he swear that he represents "chains you can believe in" or
promise "four more rears"?
Does he ever come to the office wearing the name tag from
yesterday's
donor reception?
Does he ever come to the office with lipstick on his flag pin?
Does he seem strangely enthusiastic about the waterborne intestinal
parasites convention he's about to attend with his new intern?
Has he ever claimed he is so pro-family he has two?
Has he spent the past four days in Argentina or a Motel 6?
When shaking hands with attractive constituents, does he wink and
say,
"I have a pole I'd like you to take"?
When kissing babies, does he ask, "Is this one mine?"
Does the mother often reply with a slap?
SCORING (so to speak): If you checked off any of these items, your
elected official is a lot like a lot of other elected officials
since
the beginning of time. And more, I'm sure, to come. (By Lenore
Skenazy)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Promotion Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jane, Larry and Doug went into business for themselves.
Says Jay, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the
president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said Larry, "so I'm
appointing
myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer."
"Well, I put up five percent," pointed out Doug. "What's that make
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Jane said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said Doug, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Osama Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject(In the White House Situation Room...)
And so, in the horrific aftermath of the barbaric World Trade Center
bombing, begins the greatest, most extensive manhunt in the history
of
the planet...
PRESIDENT: (resolute, drumming fingers) I don't care what it
takes.
We've got to find this guy.
POWELL: Relax, Mr. President. We've got our best and brightest
working
on it. There's nowhere he can hide.
And so, deep in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan.
FIRST TERRORIST: (hand on bin Laden's knee) Relax, Osama. You have
covered your tracks expertly. There is no way the infidels will
find
you.
BIN LADEN: (slapping the hand away) Yes, it is true. It is
true...
(Cell phone begins ringing)
FIRST TERRORIST: (surprised) What in the name of... (he answers
it)
Hello..? (hears a click, then voices, someone gets on the line)
What...? Who....? (astonished, hands phone to Bin Laden) It is for
you, Great One.
BIN LADEN: (confused) Hello...?
VOICE ON PHONE: Osama, how are you today, sir?
BIN LADEN: (angrily) Who in the name of the Evil One is this?
VOICE ON PHONE: (smoothly) Sir, I represent Sandusky Home
Improvement,
Inc. Mr. Bin Laden, wouldn't you agree that your bunker would look
better and last longer in clean, durable, carefree aluminum siding?
BIN LADEN: Aaaarrgghh! Go away!! (He slams the phone down) (Cell
phone rings again)
FIRST TERRORIST: (fearful) Do not answer it, Great One.
BIN LADEN: (grabs the phone angrily) Hello?!!
VOICE ON PHONE: Mr. Bin Laden?
BIN LADEN: (furious) Who in the name of Satan is this?
VOICE ON PHONE: Good evening, Sir. This is Bambi for Quest,
formerly
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new, economical package of communications services, including call
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BIN LADEN: (He slams phone on the ground.) Spawn of a thousand
demon
camels! (A second terrorist walks in, shuffling through a pile of
letters)
SECOND TERRORIST: (amazed) Look, Great One. Hundreds of VISA card
solicitations, many with extensive credit lines and low, low
introductory rates!
BIN LADEN: (astonished) Who on earth has delivered these?
SECOND TERRORIST: A man in blue shorts and a white shirt...
driving a
small red, white and blue truck.
FIRST TERRORIST: (horrified) Ayeeeeeeee!
BIN LADEN: The U.S. Postal Service?? We must HIDE!!!!!!! (They
flee)
(Meanwhile, back in the White House Situation Room...)
PRESIDENT: How's our "budget friendly" phase of "Enduring Freedom"
going?
POWELL: Everything's proceeding according to plan. The harpies
have
his number and are in the process of harrying him to death.
BUSH: What shall we sign him up for next?
POWELL: We've just sent $10.00 donations in to the Sierra Club and
Habitat for Humanity. Next we're going to sic Publisher's Clearing
House on him, and then sign him up for a subscription to Watchtower.
PRESIDENT: (slapping his thigh) Good! Good! Before long, he'll
be
begging for mercy....now, where did I put the "add your friends"
number
for Miss Cleo's Psychic Line?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Good Morning World
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John w/ A Sunday kind Of Love
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Love Is
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PHP: Ming functions for Flash - Manual
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JavaScript Snippets
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The Lesson of the Years
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Movie Clips
The Dildo Song
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The Elk
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Three Condoms Please
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Thunder Power
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Thunder Twin
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Time To Let Them Go
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Stethoscope
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China
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Super Models
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Suzuki
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.
"Two men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?
The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you. Akshay will be the lucky
one.
Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband, "I ran into
this
horrible, rude man downtown this morning. Right away I knew he was
a
troublemaker. He started to insult me, he used really bad language,
why he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" asked her husband.
"It was by accident," she replied, "I kinda hit him with the car."
A City Policeman goes up to a vendor selling toys on the sidewalk
and
says, "I'm sorry, you can't sell that stuff without a license."
The peddler replies, "I knew I wasn't selling any, but I didn't know
the reason. Thank you!"
Isaac was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife
Rifka
dies. At the cemetery, Isaac's friends and family are appalled to
see
that the headstone reads: - "Here lies Rifka, wife of Isaac Levy,
MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of
Quality Marketing Services Ltd." Isaac was standing in front of
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His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find
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like this on our Rifka's headstone."
Through his tears, Isaac sobs, "You don't understand. They left out
the phone number."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill,
Because of his habits,
Involving white rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill
MISS WADE
I love Miss Wade
Who teaches third grade
At P.S. 541.
I'd gladly trade
My frog for Miss Wade
'Cause Miss Wade looks like much more fun.
Miss Wade doesn't hop,
Miss Wade doesn't croak,
And flies you won't see her catch,
But I'd rather swap
My frog for a poke
Into Miss Wade's lascivious snatch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to Buffalo-Lite, Humor some mature , some immature for
people
on the go.
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because
of
the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish
each,
before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is."I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too."
Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the
last
guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left,
this
guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make them all ugly again".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An blond went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any
parrots. The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."
"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I have been invited to a fancy
dress party for the first time in my life, and I have been told to
be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot explained
the Blond.
"Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week,
specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South
America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed,"
"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for
some time after."
"Why not?" Asked the owner.
"Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Convert Your Car To Burn Water + Gasoline = Double Your Mileage!
Couple of weeks ago, this company was on Coast to Coast radio show
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1607
Droping Like Flies
Diana: I think I hear Rudy barking to come in.
BJ: Okay I will let him in.
BJ walks downstairs and lets Rudy in.
BJ watches as Rudy goes downstairs, however on the fourth step
Rudy goes 'Whine'.
BJ: What is the matter Rudy?
Rudy: Nothing..
BJ: You made a painful noise so you are hurting. Where does it
hurt
and quit being so macho about it.
Rudy: Maybe my foot.
BJ: I swear you and Katie.
Rudy: This is different, I stepped on something and twisted and
hurt
my food.
BJ: Downstairs right now young man.
Rudy: Okay.
BJ gives Rudy a pain pill.
Rudy who used to hate taking pills, who used to run and hide is now
taking pills much better. Probably because he takes pills everyday.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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