Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Well the buffalo has achieved wireless nirvana.... sort of. Instead
of the advertised Linksys router, I ended up with a Belkin G+ that
was easy to set-up and worked the first time. Currently it is
unsecured but that is because Buffy was in a hurry to get back
online. Tomorrow is another day and maybe I will be able to get it
done before she
comes over and wants to get online.
Introduced Eva to Egg Nog yesterday. I now have someone to
help me drink the stuff as she loves it. Sandy can't handle the
thought of raw eggs but I watched her lick a beater as she made
a cake the other night and Buffy who claims to be lactose intolerant
but has no problem sitting down and eating a half carton of ice
cream at a sitting. Personally I hate giving up occasional treats
because I have two finicky eaters in the house.
Sitting there thinking about New Year's resolutions?
Let me give you a hand.
Tired of making resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why
not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are
some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
See you all in 2008. Please drive carefully tonight.
The idiots will be out everywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Football Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Cleveland family of football supporters head out one Saturday to
do their Christmas Shopping. While in the sports store, the son
picks up a Pittsburgh Steeler jersey and says to his older sister,
"I've decided to become a Steeler fan and I would like this for
Christmas."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round
the head and says, "Go talk with mom."
Off goes the little lad with the Pittsburgh Steeler jersey in hand
and finds his mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Pittsburgh Steeler fan, and I
would like this jersey for Christmas."
The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him around the head and
says,
"Go see your father."
Off he goes with the Pittsburgh Steeler jersey in hand and finds
his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Pittsburgh Steeler fan, and I
would like
this jersey for Christmas".
The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son around the head
and says, " No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half hour later they're all back in the car heading towards
home.
The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned
something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good, son. What is it?"
The son replies, " I've only been a Pittsburgh Steeler fan for an
hour
and I already hate you Cleveland bastards."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Never Happen
http://www.buffalos
How About a Little Sex Tonight http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
Old Fashion
http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
Never Happen
http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quickie Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the most intelligent animal in the world?
The dog.It will walk up to anything and smell of it.If he can't eat
it or mate with it, he will piss on it!
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known
to God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting
sugar in your coffee!
Please call me by my new Muslim name.
Seldom Bin Laid
Between 15 and 99 a man is like Iraq - ruled by
a prick
Birds of a feather flock together...
and then they all crap on your car.
Q. Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose situation?
A. He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!
I'm not saying she's easy, but her pantyhose has a pet door.
Q: How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
A: The cow sat down!
Q. How do you know you've walked into a gay church service?
A. Only half the congregation are kneeling.
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit
in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Q. How come Santa and Mrs. Claus don't have children?
A. Santa spends all his time with elves and fairies.
Q: How did Mrs. Claus come to marry Santa?
A: She was Magnetically Attracted to his North Pole
The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.
It makes men cocky and women lay better. <thanx Jim>
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ;)~~~~~~~~~~
Amy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eco Canteen - Be Healthy and Go Green
Protect Your Family's Health with this stainless steel water bottle.
Studies are coming out at a rapid rate showing the dangers of
ingesting toxins leached from plastic bottles. Why place your
family at risk? Aluminum bottles are also a danger, as they require
a special chemical coating that often peels off into the water you
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drug Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 16 Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs
16. Takes phone calls only if the caller agrees to do a hit
of helium first.
15. Spent the last 15 minutes of yesterday's show clearing
his throat.
14. His response to every caller: "Dave's not here, man."
13. Cannot refer to Eli Lilly without adding the phrase
"makers of some mighty fine sh*t!"
12. "Microphones! There are microphones everywhere!"
11. Every call is screened through a rigorous "Are you a cop? You
sure? You gotta say so or else it's entrapment, man!" line of
questioning.
10. Claims he can do his show "with half my stash hidden under my
bed
just to make it fair."
9. While interviewing Barbara Bush, constantly refers to her son as
George Washington and adds how much "you two dudes look alike."
8. He's talking into an iced-tea spoon.
7. Ted Nugent cuts the interview short and advises the host
to "try decaf."
6. He's on a seven-second delay even when he's OFF the air.
5. Refuses to give out the show's telephone number because "The Man
can trace it, dude!"
4. Takes payola only in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.
3. Calls for drastic retaliation against Arab states for their
nuking
of Arizona and the poisoning of President Palmer.
2. Can't stop giggling long enough to hear what "Dick in Buffalo"
has
to say.
1. Begins every news segment with: "First, let's go to my beeper for
a quick look at the traffic."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
SnoreEzzz - Tired of Your Husband or Wife Snoring?
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* Elevates the legs while resting in bed
* FDA approved
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a small Irish town, a poor, unwed girl was about to give birth.
Since she was destitute, the hospital bill was paid by the town
treasury. Subsequently, the parenthood was determined, and the
alleged
father was penalized with a heavy fine. When the treasurer's report
was read at the annual town meeting, it was disclosed that the
township had realized a handsome profit on the unfortunate event.
One
of the town officials then rose and announced, "I recommend we breed
her again."
My girlfriend is incredibly self-absorbed. The good thing is that
she
saves a bundle on sanitary napkins.
There is nothing more beautiful than two young lovers steaming up a
shower stall -- something that's obviously lost on that manager at
Home Depot.
I didn't call because I've been too fucking busy and vice versa
(Dorothy Parker)
A student who had recently been diagnosed with multiple personality
disorder went to the campus medical center. "Doc," he said, "I think
one of my personalities may be gay." "And this is causing you
discomfort?" the doctor asked. "Yeah," the student replied. "It's
kind
of a pain in the ass.
HE: If I were to steal a kiss, what would you say? SHE: That's like
a
guy getting a chance at a Cadillac and taking only the windshield
wiper.
"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?" "It's like when you go into a
restaurant and a well endowed waitress with a low cut uniform
reaches
in front of you and says, 'does my pair annoy ya?'"
What do gay termites eat?
Wood Peckers
What can you say about the fellow who delivers the new outhouse?
He has a good head on his shoulders. (Richard Lederer)
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep Warm Air In & Winter Air Out
Twin Draft Guards? minimizes energy loss from doors and
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Twin Draft Guards? work just as well on the interior doors of your
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inflatable Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inflatable You
Your love for me is not debatable
Your sexual appetite is insatiable
You never ever make me waitable
Delectable, inflatable you.
You don't have problems with your weight at all
You never steal food off my plate at all
I never have to masturbate at all
Unstoppable, inflatable you.
You never seem to menstruate at all
So you're not angry when I'm late at all
I feel permanently felatable
Unpoppable, inflatable you.
With you in my arms I feel we could just fly away
With the right kind of gas I might even try it some day
In this ocean of life I'm never afraid we might drown
We could just float forever whatever the weather
Whenever my inflatable lover's around.
Your thighs and buttocks are so holdable
You always do what you are toldable
And if we argue you just foldable
Controllable consolable you.
My mates all reckon you are suitable
I took you round to watch the footable
And Steve and Gary said you're rootable
Commutable, refutable you.
You're never sensitive or tickley
When I rub you my skin goes prickerly
It's know an static electricity
Felicity when I'm kissing you.
Your skin is so smooth - I couldn't afford you with hair
You have all the holes real girls have got plus one for the air
Your problems are simple, I don't need my Masters in Psych
To know if you get down I just perk you right up
With a couple of squirts from the pump off my bike.
You never wake up when I snore at all
A trait which I find quite adorable
You have a box and you are storable
Ignorable, back-doorable you.
Any sexual position's feasible
Although you don't bend at the knees at all
Your hooters are so firm and squeezable
Increasable, un-creasable you.
You don't complain about my hairy back
Or about the inches that downstairs I lack
You're not disgusted by my furry crack
Burt Bacharach, Jack Kerouac ooo.
Now birth control is not an issue
I clean it all up with a tissue
I bet my jealous friend all wish you
Were insatiably inflatably theirs.
Don't let me down.
Don't let me down.
Don't let me down.
And I won't let you down.
Tim Minchin 2003
Via Amy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pampered Toes is the new miracle foot therapy product that soothes
and revives tortured toes in minutes!
Just slip your feet into Pampered Toes and feel the stretching
and extending of your toes, leaving you feeling healthy and
refreshed.
Pampered Toes are waterproof so you can even wear them in the shower
or bathtub. Order now and receive a second pair of PINK
Pampered Toes absolutely Free.
Additional Ordering Details:
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texan Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TEXAN TEST
1) Which of the following foods should be fried?
a) all foods
b) all foods
c) all foods
d) all foods
2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
True
False
3) What is 8 + 3 ?
a) what?
b) the number of people living in your trailer home
c) fertilizer
d) The number eight, Jesus, and the number three
4) I will cheat on my husband...
a) for a quart of Schlitz
b) not for all the chewing tobacco in the world
c) because he cheats on our daughter
d) if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove
5) I wash my underwear when...
a) I go swimming with it on
b) I wash my truck
c) it gets brittle
d) it rains
6) I brush my teeth when...
a) I wash my truck
b) they bleed
c) it rains
d) Never. I don't have teeth
7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard?
a) 15-20
b) 21-25
c) 26-30
d) beer
8) My favorite book is...
a) TV Guide
b) Jaws
c) Bob Barker's Bio
d) What is a book?
9) Country music is so great because...
a) it makes me cry
b) it goes good with fried food
c) they play it at all our favorite truck stops
d) Black people can't dance to it
10) Nothing is more intellectually stimulating than...
a) Oprah
b) okra
c) a V8 engine
d) greased up goats
11) Cholesterol is...
a) monster truck fuel
b) a laxative
c) a communist effort to overthrow Texas
d) don't know
12) Complete the sentence: "That ole boy
a) is slipperier than snot on a door knob."
b) is tougher than prison bacon."
c) is uglier than a mud fence."
d) is one little fork short of a fondue party"
13) Women should...
a) never clean house unless they're naked
b) put gravy on everything
c) cost less
d) bait their own hook
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scrub King - Cuts Your Cleaning Jobs In Half
Simply attach to any garden hose and you get the only portable
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* Works Under Water
* Has More Torque Than Any Other Scrubber
* Nearly 300 Scrubs Per Minute
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Love Is Softly Calling
http://silverandgol
Happy New Year To You...written by Ginny Bryant
http://www.alightho
Happy New Year...Flash
http://www.angel9oh
Dreams
http://www.carolspo
*+*+*+*+*+*+
We have checks ready to send you for offering us your honest opinion
on various online surveys that only take a few minutes to complete.
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Press here to start
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Surfin Surfari
Burger King
http://www.whopperv
BigWally's Whitetail Strategies
http://justmewallyn
New year's Toasts
http://www.algeo.
SoYouWanna cure a hangover?
http://www.soyouwan
Hangovers and Hangover Cures And Remedies
http://www.rupissed
*+*+*+*+*+*+
We are giving away DATING SITE memberships TODAY! But not to a
regular dating site full of people that don't know what they want.
Our singles know EXACTLY what they want!
If you are over 18 years of age, then we want to give you a -FREE-
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Mozilla Shortcuts
http://www.mozilla.
Beach Sculptures
http://www.premier-
are_off_sunbath.
Mr.Picasso Head
http://www.mrpicass
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Does your computer seem to be running slower than usual?
Did you know that many people who are married or in a serious
relationship secretly download software applications that allow them
to monitor and see everything that their spouse or lover does on the
Internet.
Do you think that someone has done this to you? You can remove these
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This program also removes any spyware or adware located on your PC
or laptop.
Right now you can scan your PC or laptop for no cost to see if there
are any "spying" programs on them.
Press Here to Begin Scan (YOU WILL NOT BE CHARGED FOR THIS):
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Animal World
Doggie Zone
http://www.baddogs.
Kitty Korner
http://www.angelfir
*+*+*+*+*+*+
You probably think I've lost my mind - and maybe I have - but just
visit this site right now and in 5 minutes you''ll have this awesome
$497 Internet business training kit as my gift to you. No kidding!
Why am I giving this away?
I finally got so sick and tired of watching fakers and bigmouths
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
We wanted to let you know right away that you have been invited to
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Movie Chips
Hill Climbjj
http://www.buffalos
Hollow Men
http://www.buffalos
Home Paternity Test
http://www.buffalos
Homemade Water Slide
http://www.buffalos
Homer Koehn
http://www.buffalos
Gas
http://www.buffalos
George Gobal
http://www.buffalos
German speed bump
http://www.buffalos
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young fellow named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."
There was a young lady called Harris,
That nothing could ever embarrass;
Till the bath-salts one day
In the tub where she lay
Turned out to be plaster of paris.
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loud 'N Clear, the compact personal sound amplifier, allows you
to listen to low-volume sounds clearly and comfortably.
The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed
to look like an expensive cell phone ear piece.
Additional Ordering Details:
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Difficult
http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
Milk & Cookies
http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
Cheap Slut T-Shirts
http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
the urology clinic
http://www.thepostm
first theraputic mattress for men
http://www.thepostm
while they were at it
http://www.thepostm
~~~~~~~~~~~~
PASTA N MORE - The Amazing New 5-in-1 Pasta Cooker!
Cook, Drain and Serve All In One!
Pasta N More is made of certified materials, fits in any microwave,
its dishwasher safe and makes dinner for 1 or a family of 9. The
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reheating meals in an instant.
Offer includes!
* Pasta Pot
* 2 Handles
* Strainer Lid
* Steam Rack
* Storage Lid
* Cookbook
BONUS COLOR CODED KNIVES WHEN YOU ORDER TODAY
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delebrity Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mean Celebrity Quotes
I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire
body. - - - Walter Matthau (to Barbra
Steisand)
She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age. - - -
Oscar Levant (about Zsa Zsa Gabor)
She not only worships the golden calf, she barbecues it for lunch.
- - - Oscar Levant (about Zsa Zsa Gabor)
You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
- - - Bob Hope
Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks
on her face. - - - Henny Youngman
She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B. - - - Dorothy
Parker (about Katharine Hepburn)
Every minute this broad spends outside of bed is a waste of time.
- - - Michael Todd (about Elizabeth Taylor)
Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
- - - Bette Davis (about Jayne Mansfield)
Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy! - - -
Ava Gardner (about Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank Sinatra)
It's a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what's
between her ears instead of her legs. - - - Katharine Hepburn
(about Sharon Stone)
Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's the
intellect. No, it's the hair. - - - Tom Shales (about Farrah
Fawcett)
Miss United Dairies herself. - - - David Niven (about Jayne
Mansfield)
She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater. - - -
Louella Parsons (about Joan Collins)
She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them. - - -
John Gielgud (about Ingrid Bergman)
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them
of Leonid Brezhnev. - - - Robin Williams
The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza
Minelli. - - - John Simon (about Shelley Duvall)
Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't
got it. - - - Bosley Crowther (about Loretta Young)
Harveythefrogprince
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Warrior AK-47 Airsoft Rifle is an awesome toy for the holidays!
Your kids and loved ones will have hours of fun and competition.
With plastic BB's, its fun and safe to see who has the best shot! It
comes complete with scope, laser sight, adjustable bipod and
detachable sport stock. The laser sight makes this a sure fire
winner! This toy gun shoots fast and accurate at approximately 200
FPS. The Warrior AK-47 Airsoft Spring Sniper Rifle is a full size
rifle and even comes with safety glasses and a starter pack of BBs.
Click here to hear more or buy now:
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Year's Resolutions For Him & Her [Him (Y) / Her (X)]
X - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or
Superbowl weekend)
X - ONLY - one chocolate bar per week
Y - ONLY - three nights at topless bar per week
X - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom
TV remote
X - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing
list
X - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
X - Get organized/clean house
Y - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
X - Buy new Daily Planner
Y - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
X - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
X - Read More / Less TV
Y - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
X - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Y - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
X - Plan budget / Save more money
Y - Only three nights at topless bar per week
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mighty Mendit - Does it All!
It's the Fast Easy Way to Mend, Hem & Wear it Again
No More Sewing
- Mighty Mendit is a flexible bonding agent that permanently mends
fabrics with just a touch
Save Money
- Don't buy new. Repair curtains, furniture and more with ease
Repair Clothes & Fabrics
- Don't Discard it, Mighty Mendit
Order today and we will double your order
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan State Police have recovered the body of an adult male (age
approx. 72) from Plum Creek at 8:45 AM.
The victim apparently fell in and drowned due to excessive alcohol
consumption. An empty 12 Pack of Budweiser Beer lay near-by. He
was wearing a Detroit Lions jersey, black fishnet stockings and a
red garter belt. He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.
The police thoughtfully removed the Lions jersey to spare the family
any unnecessary embarrassment.
Don In Indiana
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Handy switch is a wireless light switch you can use to remotely
control any lamp in your home.
Each Handy Switch comes with a switch and the remote receiver. You
simply plug the receiver into
an outlet, and then plug your lamp into the receiver. That's it!
When
you flick the switch,
it sends a signal to the receiver, telling it to turn the power on
or
off. It's that simple.
Plus, each switch also comes with a special adhesive that lets you
stick your Handy Switch to
any surface, then remove and re-use it in any location you choose.
Handy Switch only works with lamps or other devices that plug into
the wall.
The range is approximately 60 feet, and the radio frequency it uses
will penetrate walls.
http://buffalosjoke
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Birthday part 3
Sandi: Well the first two officers came back and asked Katie to
unhypnotise them. Well you know Katie. She is about 90 percent
good at what she does. She made them think they were not chickens
but were birds. They would up in the top of our trees.
Diana: That is terrible.
Sandi: Yeah. Rudy was rolling and laughing. Katie was nervous and
trying everything to get them down.
Diana: What did you do?
Sandi: Muffin went in and got Dad.
Dad didn't believe her. Two policemen in the top of the trees
squaking like birds.
Diana: So what happened next?
Sandi: Rudy got out our trampoline and started to throw baseballs
at the police. He actually knocked one out of the tree. Man a 50
foot drop into the trampoline, then 40 feet back into the air, we
moved the
trampoline, boing, back into the air. That went on for a while.
Finally he landed okay. A bit rattled but okay.
Diana: Good grief! So what about the second man?
Sandi: Katie feed him some bird seed and he was doing okay then
finally Miss Kitty got father to understand we really had a
policeman in the trees. He phoned the fire department. It took a
while for
dad to explain that he needed a hook and ladder truck to get a
policeman out of the tree and that a cat had told him about it.
Diana: LOL
Sandi: Well the fire truck arrived and they rescued the poor bird
err policeman. Katie unhypnotised him and all is well. So how was
your day mother?
Diana: Boring.
Sandi: Our life is never boring.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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