Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I do remember the biggest storm I ever saw and it was somewhere in
the mid sixties because I was still in Junior High. It wasn't overly
cold but it started heavily on the weekend and just kept on into the
next week. My dad got caught at work by the storm and knowing it was
impossible to drive back that night he had spent the night at my
aunt's place in town. The next morning he had walked home following
the railroad tracks which were heavily wooded and ran to within a
mile of the house but it was still about an 8 mile walk. When it
finally stopped snowing, the drifts in front of the house were 8
feet high and farther down the road where it was open fields, the
drifts were 20 feet tall. We had already missed three days of school
when it reopened along with most of the main roads but we were not a
priority because most of it was family farms about a quarter mile
apart. We were getting pretty bored by then and decided to walk the
mile or so to the main road and catch the bus from there. We missed
it though and decided to walk to school which was about another 5
miles away. I figured it would make a good story to tell the kids
someday.
Anyhow we were dead tired when we got there and decided to make sure
we were there on time the next morning. I used my skis the next day
which were older wood ones with leather and rubber bindings that
stayed on your boots when you fell but they worked pretty good in
the flat. It was definitely a lot faster and we stashed our skis and
poles in the snow banks for the trip back. This went on for about
another week and finally they were able to come in with several
Snow-gos and a backhoe to knock the top of the tunnel down that they
were carving through the drifts.
This stuff was like concrete because of the weight of the snow
pressing it together and the wind helping to pack it tighter. When
they got to our road it was really bad as the neighbor had been
driving on top of the snowbank with his John Deere bulldozer driving
it half of the way to the gas station to get cigarettes, one pack at
a time.
There was a few stretches of those two roads that stayed one-lane
until Spring. Those were different days though. Few people had
four-wheel drive trucks back then and snowmobiles had just started
to gain popularity.
Now as soon as the snow stops falling the snowmobiles fire up and
they can pretty much do as they want unless the DNR or Police catch
up to them with their snowmobiles. I no longer get bored. I try to
keep two weeks worth of supplies on hand at all times and so I just
sit here on my computer same as any other day. Enjoy the chips and
stay warm.... buffalo
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Bubbles Chips
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For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to
conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to
find out peoples' favourite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he
started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building
near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your
name ?" asked the student. "John," replied the man. "Sir, I'm
doing a school study and would like to know what is your favourite
pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.
He liked the esoteric answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he asked again. "Sir, what is your name
?"
"Jeff," said the second man. "Sir, Would you please tell me your
favourite pastime ?" "Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people
in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching
bubbles in the bath."
He left the building and walked across the street where there were
several row houses to continue the survey. At the first house, he
knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door. Our surveyor
starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles!"
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Random Chips
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Mary: "Did you ever try that 'spouse-swapping' thing?"
Jill: " Well, My ex and I talked it over with our friends Anne and
Bill, but nothing ever happened."
Mary: "Why not?" Jill: "Anne wanted to be with me!"
Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California, had asked the beauty
pageant organizers for money for her breast implants but now that
she has been disqualified the organizers are suing her to get the
implant money back.
Jay Leno said, "It is a case of tit for tat."
Sue lay sprawled in sweet exhaustion on the bed, wearing a red
ribbon in her bright blonde hair. Beside her, wearing not even a
long moment smoke and silence hung in the air. Then: "My mother
always told me to be good," Sue said with a little smile. "Was I?"
Mary: My #1 ex was probably the dumbest of all.
Jill: Why do you say that?
Mary: He came into the bedroom one night holding a jalapeno pepper
in his hand. I said, "Why in hell did you bring that pepper to the
bedroom?"
Jill: Well, what did he say?
Mary: He said, "You told me to add spice to our sex live.
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Moose Jaw Chips
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The Prime Minister of Canada, Jean Chretien, is making an official
state visit to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. All the locals are quite
excited to have the Prime Minister come to their town for the first
time ever, and they've prepared quite a welcome for him.
When he steps off of the plane, everyone is quite taken aback to see
the P. M., while dressed otherwise quite normally, looking
especially resplendent in a magnificent fox hat-like a Daniel Boone
coonskin, only made of fox.
The cameras are clicking away as he steps off the plane. After the
official greetings are over, and the mayor of Moose Jaw has a
private moment with the P. M. away from the cameras and onlookers,
he finally unleashes his curiosity.
"Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but I must ask. I have never seen
you wearing this magnificent fox hat before, and I wonder why you
chose to wear it to our humble town?"
The P. M. replies "Well, monsieur mayor, eh, 'dat is quite simple,
you see. When I was leaving da 'ouse dis morning, I said to my wife,
'Aline,' I said, 'Aline, I am going to Moose Jaw for dah firs' time
today! Do you thank I should wear uh anythang speshal in honor of
dis anaugural visit?' And Aline, my wife, she said to me 'Moose Jaw?
Where da fock's 'at?'"
Stan Kegel
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Random Chips
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Little Bobby's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing the class on the
alphabet. "Bobby," she asks, "what comes after 'O'?" Bobby says,
"God I'm coming!"
An attractive young med student was having coffee with her
girlfriend and complaining about her fiancee's extraordinary sexual
appetite. "I barely have the strength to come to work in the
morning," she murmured. "And now that he's on his vacation, things
will probably be even more intense when he gets back." "How long is
he off?" the assistant inquired. "It varies," she replied. "But
usually it's just long enough to smoke a cigarette."
The guy leered at the babe at the yacht club. "Hey, baby, would you
help me 'raise my mast'?" "No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard
about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."
Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the anal optic
nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Giving a Blow Job is a win/lose situation because he may have you on
your knees, but you have him by the balls!
Stan Kegel
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Excuse Chips
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Ever have some odd people ask you out? Never
know what to say? Here are some great excuses
you can use...
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 There's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 My patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns
rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 The grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and
I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian
to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of
something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 It's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the
dictionary.
44 My subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 The last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 None of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew
in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands"
and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song/poem coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 You know how we psychos are.
78 My favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 My uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity
bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 Having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see
if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 My palm reader advised against it.
95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name].
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
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Ice Hotel
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Movie Links
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Achmed Jingle Bombs
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Bad To The Bone
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Max Porta Potty
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McDogo
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Men Can't Multitask
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Men Invented Everything
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a teacher told her students to come up with a sentence
using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was
up, she called on Johnny, who said, "This is the process of having
sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs
and hope you don't multiply."
Rednecks are much more likely to have good sex on their wedding
night than other people. You're *always* going to feel more
comfortable with a relative you grew up with!
Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer
takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her
head stuck. The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says
to the other: "This is too good to pass up." He gets off his horse,
unzips his pants and starts screwing the shit out of this heifer for
at least ten minutes. When he finally finished he looked up to his
partner and asked him if he wants some of it. His partner replied
"Hell yes, that looks pretty good." He climbs down off his horse,
drops his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.
I just broke of with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under
another man.
"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster! "
the society matron protested. "Can't you find some way to cover up
the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously
serviced by two paid studs?" "You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van
Horn," soothed the police officer. "I'll just put it in my report
that she died at the stroke of two."
A lesbian with long fingers is well hung.
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the
docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and
takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for
a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I
doing? " The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing
about three knots." "Three knots? " he asks, "What's that supposed
to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're
knot getting your money-back!"
A man walks into a therapists office wearing nothing but seran wrap
pants, The therapist takes one look at him and says "Clearly, I can
see you're nuts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
baboons
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bed
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beer goggles
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before sex
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bitchin head
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bite my ass
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly,
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.
George Carlin is really a wit,
With his seven words that give censors the fit(s),
They are Shit, Motherfucker,
Piss and Cocksucker,
And don't forget Cunt, Fuck, and Tit(s)!
On the day of his wedding, the male
Should not peek at his bride, says the tale
So try as he might
To keep her in sight
It all really is to know a veil
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.
If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've
been sick and unable to clean.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they
asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "What
do you need?"
NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away
from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you
suppose they know that we don't?
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet...
he said "postage dew".
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why
it was put up.
The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee
is spilled coffee.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're
in deep water.
Odd that when a house burns down, the only things
left standing are the chimney and the fireplace.
Only in America do we shop at places with limited
parking, overpriced items, and long lines and
insultingly, call them convenience stores.
We"re going to have a terrorist attack, but we don't
know where or when. I think you could say the same
thing about tornadoes.
I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this
much, he doesn't like it when you join in.
How dangerous could a fax be, if the pen is mightier
than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand
words.
My husband has suggested a candlelight dinner at
home for our anniversary. Is he being romantic or
just cheap?
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining,
the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and
the lawn mower is broken.
There are two types of roads in our country. One
is under construction and the other is under repair.
The president has said that inflation has been arrested.
He should check . . . I think it's out on bail.
The next time you pay your property taxes, remember
every local politician who went to Hawaii on your dime.
You know times are tough when the school system is
recruiting school bus drivers in the lobby of traffic court.
Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is
getting from one to the other.
When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in
the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.
People with true character show it when nobody else
is present.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for
patience.
What will today's younger generation tell their children
they had to do "without"?
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
Gas now costs more than milk!
As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me
play with.
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
My country invaded Iraq, and all I got was this expensive
gasoline....
You've got to spend money to lose money.
Hermits have no peer pressure
Never trust a story that has been told more
than twice.
It could be worse: there could be 35 teachers
for every student.
A promise is a debt.
It is not the lofty sails but the unseen wind that
moves the ship.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
Ditch the driving test for an I.Q. test.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn Vol 1965
Robo-Katie
BJ and the dogs are in Katie's lab. Rudy: I don't understand why you
don't just shovel the snow off the driveway Katie.
Katie: A menial task when I have these Robots here to do my bidding.
Sandi: But Katherine, we do not know what these robots were
programmed to do. Remember the robot who created these was quite mad
and destroyed itself before leaving instructions. We have had more
disasters than sucesses with these creatures.
Katie: Hrumpt! All I want to do is shovel some snow.
What could possibly go wrong?
Eyes look skyward and feet tap.
BJ: All right, I have my sledgehammer here just in case.
Rudy: Which one will it be Kate?
Katie: I am thinking number 1313.
Val: Oh great a double bad luck number.
To be continued
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Adult Adult
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Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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