Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I decided to make a run to the store this afternoon and give the
Jimmy a while to warm up. At 1400 it was still -8 degrees outside
but that was a lot better than the -38 that was registered at 0500.
The Jimmy complained loudly about the cold and took a few
revolutions
to start but then the oil in her takes longer to warm up. Oil
doesn't
do it's best when you first start as it works best at 100-120
degrees
and breaks down when it gets above 180 degrees. You will extend your
engine's life by giving it a chance to warm up for 5 minutes before
you
start driving. Since at least 49 of the 50 states have experienced
cold temperatures this winter, here are some descriptions of cold
you can throw in to conversations with your friends who are
wintering
in Costa Rica etc.
IT WAS SO COLD THAT.....
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1. We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked
around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
2. Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
3. Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to
use the pressure cooker!
4. When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the
Spring!
5. The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new
paid of eyeglasses!
6. Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pj's
haven't thawed out yet!"
7. Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers pockets just
to keep them warm!
8. The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric
fence!
9. Grandpa's teeth were chattering - in the glass!
10. The dogs were wearing cats instead of chasing them!
11. Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
12. Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
13. The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle!
14. We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out
of our parkas!
15. When the cows were milked, we got ice cream! Milking the brown
cows, we got chocolate ice cream!
16. Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take
their clothes off!
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Enjoy the chips and stay warm.... buffalo
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Good To Worse Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son developed an interest in religion.
Bad: He's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Worse: The secretary gets pregnant
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the striper
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: He looks better than you do in them.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Worse: He finds Mr. Right.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's ten
Good: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Worse: He's the star of it.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Worse: You're arrested for passing one of the bills.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbours.
Worse: All of them.
Stan Kegel
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Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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the problem with love dolls
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Italian Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage At Saint Mary's Catholic
Church, they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the
session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his
50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some
insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman
all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I
took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!' The Priest responded,
'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th
anniversary.' Luigi proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go and get her.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Kosher Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old man Blumberg was getting on in years, and his son, Sol, who had
done well financially in ladies' underwear, asked his father if he'd
like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the
old man to have companionship and warm weather in his declining
years.
The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a
kosher hotel.
So Sol made reservations at the finest kosher Hotel and put his
father on a plane to Miami Beach.
Once a week, Sol phoned him to see how things were going, and all
seemed to be going quite well.
Then, a few weeks later, when Sol had to make a business trip, he
decided to drop in on pop unannounced and surprise him.
When he got to the hotel, however there was no sign of his father.
He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be
and he was told he might try room 2201 at a nearby hotel.
Sol hopped into a cab and headed for the hotel.
There he learned at the desk that room 2201 was the room of one Ms.
Karen McMerty!
Sol rushed up to the room and knocked on the door.
Imagine his surprise when it was opened by a tall, barely dressed,
redhead!
And there, in the bed, was his father!
Sol was furious!
Unable to contain himself, he screamed, "Papa, I'm shocked! I don't
know what to say! A religious man like you! And at your age! Not
to mention your insistence on staying at a Kosher hotel!"
The old man looked at him as if he were crazy and said, "Sol, what
are you getting so excited for? It's not like I eat here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Birthday Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,
"You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink
Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming
at him.
The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Condom Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
received this testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm
in Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the woman wrote, "I was
too tired to hoe the fields or pick the cotton. But after only two
bottles of your delicious mixture, I've become the best cotton-
picking hoer in the county.
At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the
counsellor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five
times a year!"
They made a movie about my wife's sex life --"The Night of the
Living Dead"
At cocktail parties the men usually stand around getting stiff, and
the women are usually tight, but when they get home they frequently
find that neither is either.
Girls believe in love at first sight; men believe in it at first
opportunity "How is it I find you sleeping with my daughter?"
stormed the outraged father. "I ask you, you little bastard, how is
it?!" "Why, just great, sir," replied the calm young man, "just
great!"
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about
condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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IP Tools
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Dead or Alive Holly Vance
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Quantum Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits
in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty,
and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs
but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the
mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty
space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I
apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is
NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in
asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics,
empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into
existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper
wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But
couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday
if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to
happen?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
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Amish gas sign
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Amish Mechanic
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Amish Viagra
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An Alien on the moon
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Anal sex
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Analist
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A strange young fellow from Leeds,
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass,
Sprouted out of his ass,
And his balls were covered with weeds.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in
school to go out on a date with him. She finally agreed, but only on
condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too. That was
fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been
able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother Futhman if
he
would help him out. "Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've
never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started
kissing his date, Futhman followed suit. Soon Thorn had the
cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's. Next, Thorn
was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow
suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting
quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman. He turned on the headlights,
dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants.
White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were
chopped off!"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn Vol 1970
?
Pizza Time
The pizza machine is turned on. orders are coming in right and left.
Rudy has his tall chef's cap on: Two large pepperoni's to be
delivered to the police, they are ready.
Katie: Some of Horace's group will take that.
Ding!
Rudy: Two supreme's ready for the fire department Katie: Gus's group
will handle delivery.
Ding! Rudy: This machine is kicking them out really fast Katie. Two
sausage and mushroom pizza's for the college.
Katie: Val will deliver them.
Ding! Rudy: Two hamburger and onion pizzas for the TV station. Ding!
Two Cheese pizzas for the radio station Katie: I will run those out.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Rudy: Two vegetable pizzas, two hawaiian pizzas, and two help!! We
need help over here.
Sandi: It is okay, we have about forty people who need pizzas.
Rudy: This thing is kicking them out as fast as I can pull them out
of the oven. I will have forty pizzas in about five minutes, then
what?
Sandi with a grin: Then I eat.
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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