Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I have been digging into the Archives for stories as family and the
doctors have been keeping me running the past few days. No
fear eventually the family will run out of tasks and the doctors
will
run out of tests to run and hopefully there will be enough left of
me
to do my lists in peace heh heh.
One of the less fonder memories of boot camp was the gas chamber.
It was one of those events that the hazing was as bad as the event
itself.
At first there was talk that it might be postponed as it was August
in Chicago and they had rules against certain training on hot days
but in the end it turned out to be in the 80's.
Morning was spent learning how to clean and assemble the filters on
the Mark V gas mask and applying the anti-fog to the mask. We were
warned to pay attention with no talking or else the number of tear
gas pellets they used would be increased as punnishment. Everybody
thought they were joking and anyhow they used this stuff on hippies
so how bad could it be?
As usual we were laughing about it till it was time to go into the
gas house . I remember the first thought that crosses your mind as
the gas starts to come in is that the masks don't work or you had
put them on wrong because you were getting a little of the smell of
the gas in your mask. The second thought was that hey this stuff
isn't all that bad and the whole deal was mostly hype. You followed
the group around the building several times and you were told to
remove your mask and keep moving shouting Ho Ho Ho while you held
your mask over your head.
You quickly realized that tear gas was nasty stuff and the mask had
been working just fine. Your eyes burned, your lungs felt like they
were on fire, and even your skin burned. Sweat improves the effect
and in the heat we got the full effect. You had been warned
beforehand that when they opened the door if anyone broke and ran
when they opened the door that we would be spending extra time in
there but that thought was the farthest from everyone's mind when
the door came open and everyone broke ranks and headed for the door.
It was slammed shut in our faces and we went back to walking around
in a circle feeling sorry for ourselves and the poor hippies and
hating the Navy. After a couple of laps though it wasn't all that
bad and we were in control when they opened the door and we walked
calmly out. Once out if you didn't rub your eyes you were back to
normal in about five minutes and you stopped coughing and your skin
stopped burning.
We ran into companies that were headed over for their training later
in the day and told them that it was all just hype, everything they
said was just to scare you, and we could have spent an hour in
there.
Enjoy the chips .... buffalo
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Baseball Chips
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Was sitting in a restaurant this weekend. They had the TV turned to
ESPN which was televising a college girls' softball game.
Oh it was so sad. It was so . . . "girly."
I swear, I'm not making this up:
* They actually HALTED the game because the pitcher broke a
fingernail.
* The pitcher had a wild pitch and grazed one of the batters. Did
the batter come out of the batter box swinging? No. The pitcher
LEFT THE MOUND, walked to the batter, and GAVE THE BATTER A HUG!
* The center fielder caught the batter's ball and put her out. On a
MEN'S team, the guys on the bench would have said to the batter, "Ya
lozer!" and smacked him on the arse.
But on this GIRLY game, everyone on the bench gave the batter "high
fives" and "You go girl!" I KNOW for a fact at least one of 'em said
to her, "You know that center fielder is a stinky ho and is TOTALLY
a d*ke.. You did right when you snatched up her boyfriend."
Ladies: if, in sports, you're not gonna strut around in little white
tennis skirts so we can see your panties, we're not gonna watch you
do the "Ya Ya Sisterhood" crap on the playing field. Either draw
blood . . . or draw us a beer and get off the field.
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Psych Chips
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Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were all locked away in a mental
institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.)
One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he
wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent
and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd
be locked away for another five years of observation.
All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to
the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The
doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in
the air.
The doctor motions to Jon. "Jump."
Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the pool,
breaking both arms in the process.
The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."
Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty
poll, breaking both of his legs.
After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Lizard
Pecker, "Jump."
Amanpreet shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so."
The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and
says, "Congratulations, 'Preet. You're a free man. Just tell me
one thing. Why didn't you jump?"
"Easy," Amanpreet says, "I can't swim, Asshole ."
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Short Chips
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Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some
drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends
-----------------------------------------
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to
begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says,
"Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman
replies, "Yes.
Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
------------------------------------------
A kid had cut open a golf ball and had *eaten* the liquid centre.
The stuff in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the child's
mother naturally assumed that it was some petroleum product. She
frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing to the
doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the doctor was
rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book. There
was no mention of golf balls in it. The doctor called up a golf
ball manufacturer and explained the situation; but they said that
their golf balls had a solid core. "I wish I'd asked the name of
the manufacturer!" the doctor lamented. The ball manufacturer
helpfully named their sole competitor that made balls with liquid
centres. Another quick phone call, and the answer: the centre was
made of cod liver oil.
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two
kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself,
"What the heck have I done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to
bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and
decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the
surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loads them into his
van and off he rushes to the local hospital. He walked up and down
the hospital and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor,
"Doc, how are they doing?" The doctor replies, "Comfortable, sir!"
-------------------------------------
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected,
sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably
distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the
doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat,
and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his
wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have
you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor
replies, "but not framed like that."
------------------------------------------
After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live
alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well
cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed
her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a
while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her
up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to
the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back
upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see
how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smart Ass: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you
what flavor it is.
Rodeo Sex is mounting your woman from behind, start going nice and
slowly, taking her hair and pulling her head back slightly,
whispering in her ear, "Your sister was better than you," and then
trying to hold on for 8 seconds!
95% of all people have hemorrhoids. The other 5% are perfect
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A hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a
box of condoms. The druggist says, "How old are you, son?" The kid
replies, "Eleven." "I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist
says. "You're too young." The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll
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"What kind of condoms do you want?" The kid tells him, "Gimme the
French ticklers." The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what
one of those things will do to a woman?" "No," the kid replies, "but
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The movie "Constipated " never came out.
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Christianity
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Blonde Chips
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Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the
shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
~~~~~~~
A befuddled Chicky named Ida
Said to Gavin as he slid it insider.
"I'd much rather be
Underneath as 'ridee'
Than on top as the role of the rider."
~~~
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
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Parting Chips
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*One day Jimmy and his dad are out for a walk in the park. Jimmy
sees a dead bird with its legs up in the air and says, "Daddy why is
the birds legs sticking up in the air like that?" Not knowing how to
explain death he says to 4 year old Jimmy, " Well that is how we
know the bird is ready go to heaven. God is coming to take the bird
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hero then!?" With a peculiar look on his face he asks, "Mr. Reamer a
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Mommy was on her back with her feet in the air screaming "Oh God,
I'm coming, I'm coming,' and Mr. Reamer was laying on top of her
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn Vol 1972
Visitors
Rudy is outside in the backyard and it is about three am.
It is his favorite time of the day. In Guthrie he would commune with
the wood elves. However, in Caldwell the were no wood elves and he
was sad for that. So he would search the backyard and look at the
full moon in hopes..
As Rudy lay in the cool night he saw a flickering of light dancing
across the yard.
Rudy: A-roo?
The lights formed a circle around Rudy and danced and danced.
Rudy's heart lept.
The light: We bear messages from the wood elves, they cannot come
here, but we can. We are the night faries. We will visit you Rudy,
friend of the wood elves.
Rudy: A-Roo... I am very happy to meet you. I am sorry that I have
such a small yard.
The light: It will be fine. We will dance and play.
Rudy: A-ROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Diana in the house: I guess Rudy wants in.
BJ: No, I have heard him like this in Guthrie. He is just playing.
The herd
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Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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