THE POSTMAN'S CORNER Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others. Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC), 'Pro Plancio,' 54 B.C. FREE DIAL SOAP http://www.tinyurl.com/3bocgw GET FREE ZIPLOCK BAGS HERE http://www.tinyurl.com/kz4w5 GOOD MORNING POSTMAN FANS! I would like to take a minute to address a comment to the earth lovers. If you are not "earth minded" you can skip all this. Anyways, I am quite sure you are concerned about our environment, as am I. right? Well I am developing a theory. I personally think that all Sierra club members, tree huggers and other "earth friendly" folks ought to band together to promote this idea. I think we should all start pissing in the shower. Think about it. Can you imagine how much water we would save if we all took one leak a day while we were scrubbing up? The number of gallons we would save could be astronomical. Now, before you go dismissing the idea, think about this. How unsanitary could it be, you got all that soap and hot water going down the drain. Why not put it to good use? Just that you will have to remember to wash your feet last:) Otherwise, it might turn your toe nails yellow! It is that time again. Once a month, I open THE POSTMAN'S printer cartridge and ink store. This is a real good deal for both me and you, the user. For one thing, when you buy the cartridges for your printer from the postman's store, the proceeds are used for the continuance of this joke page. It costs a great deal of time effort and money to keep this list running. I have never accepted a donation for it, and the sale of cartridges defray the expenses I incur here. But, the added benefit is, that by purchashing your cartridges from the postman store, you get a FREE CARTRIDGE for your printer when you purchase two. There is free shipping available. AND you get a 100% GUARANTEE!! How can you lose? its a deal you really cannot lose on. So be sure to get your printer cartridges and ink now at: http://www.tinyurl.com/cbhks2 Very tired this morning. The war department decided it was bedtime about 10pm last night. Bed for me can usually be anywhere from 11pm up to about 1230 in the morning. But usually, its whenever she decides its time, so I follow along behind. Unfortunately, when I go to bed real early like that, I end up waking up early. Today, it was 3:45 am. To make matters worse, Turk the dog, aka Carlos the rat, was making a racket in his cage that would wake the dead. Altho the reasons for the disturbance are unclear at this time. Usually he is pretty much dead to the world in the morning and will ignore almost everything around him to stay underneath his warm blanket. Anyways, I got up and took him out for his business. Then it was my turn. and by then, I couldn't go back to sleep. The war department was up shortly after that. Then I said to heck with it and did the list. Now it is a NORMal time to wake up, and I'm tired. I feel like going back to bed. So, read the laffs and in the meantime, I am going to go check my eyelids to see if there are cracks in em:) (one of my favorite passtimes). We do hope you enjoy today's issue! Cordially Martin We do hope you enjoy today's issue! Cordially Martin aka the postman ___________ THE COMICS procrastination http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/u032.html get up and do it http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/u034.html not what you think http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/u035.html what was it? http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/u036.html ain't sleepin http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/u038.html LETS GO TO THE MOVIES you sexy thang http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies5150.html stick figure fight http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies5151.html a great illusion http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies5153.html Elmo gets laid http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies5157.html INTERESTING STUFF thoughts from a homeless guy http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2197.html read the sign http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2198.html extreme shepparding http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2199.html cheddar bisquits http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2200.html how to wash the cat http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2203.html POWERPOINT DISPLAYS the mortgage crisis http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2205.html the Daffodil principle http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2206.html caught in the moment http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2208.html bridge in Maylasia http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2209.html a watch that always has the correct time http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/psp2210.html Morris died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Morris's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Morris would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close to her friend and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?" All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand." "No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?" Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500. To the synagogue for the Rabbi's services. The Shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?""Five and a half carats." _______________ DEAR DIARY Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed. Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears. Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 5. What absolute bliss!!. Day 6. Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that. Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like20a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy. Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there. Day 9. No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over.... Day 11. I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig. Day 12. I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ... Day 13. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard. Day 14. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me. Day 15. I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything20I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did. Day 16. The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17. Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Christ !!! here he comes again. Day 18. He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!. _______________ He said to me.. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends. I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? He said. . . A widow. He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him . ... . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. ____________ Paddy and Murphy stumble out of a pub at about 4:00 in the morning.They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when alongComes a policeman. Paddy pipes up, "A'scuse me, ossifer, but I wonderCould you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet." To whichThe policeman replies, "Of course it has. It's four o'clock in theMornin." Murphy then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I be Wonderin if the last bus to Galway has left yet." The officer again replies, "Of course it has! It's four o'clock in the bleedin'Mornin!" Paddy then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell mePlease, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet?" The policeman isReally irritated now so he shouts, "It's four in the bloody a. M., and all the fookin' buses have gone!" And with that Paddy turns to his Friend and as ys, "Okay, Murphy, we can cross the road now." _________________ The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemyTerritory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number fromThe nearby town. She came, danced and when the first dance was done,The soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes. For her secondNumber she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This timeThe applause went for 10 minutes. The next number she danced topless,And this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come onStage and ask them to quite down for the grand finale. For her last Number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major Expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. ButTen minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comesBackstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was noClapping this time?" She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poorBoys to clap with one hand?" ______________ A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too." A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too." Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it." _____________ PAPA Thorn New territory (naughty alert) http://able2laugh.com/master/pix.php?pic=009New_territory.jpg FUN PAGES from Lorraine Age of War http://tinyurl.com/acp62r Green Terror Game http://tinyurl.com/cj69fl SYDESJOKE LIST Skeleton Puppeteer http://www.sydesjokes.com/link2/link001489.html Romance Isn't Dead http://www.sydesjokes.com/link2/link001485.html __________ PAPA Thorn Face of the critter http://able2laff.com/master/pix.php?pic=Optical_Illusion0016.jpg BUFFALO Bill Spring Board Break http://www.buffaloschips.com/jdsks.htm State Employees http://www.buffaloschips.com/djsks.htm Streaker Goal http://www.buffaloschips.com/skskwoi.htm THAT'S ALL FOLKS! Have a nice day FROM: Martin aka the postman |
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