Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Windows is not being very cooperative. After the last round of
updates my computer decided it didn't want to talk to the outside
world. When I rebooted after checking modems, routers, cables,
etc., it launched scandisk and then told me I had recovered from
a serious crash. When it did this later the same day a second time
and blamed it on a driver conflict I decided to restore to a date
before the problem occurred. That seemed to handle the problem
but late last night the computer reinstalled the updates and today
the computer locked up again so I turned updates to a manual
setting and restored again. Tonight I was sitting here and getting a
head start on tomorrow's lists and it started updating. System
Restore
has changed the settings and once it has it in its head it is going
to
install updates it gets pretty obnoxious. It won't let you go to the
update
site and find out what the updates are or block the installation so
I turned
updates off and now I have a red security badge staring at me every
time I look at the task bar.
I'll figure something out but in the meantime I don't want it to
shut the
computer down and lose anything I have done so I am getting more
done as I sit here and wait for the pop-up. What I really hate is
that
Microsoft installs something that wrecks your set-up and says that
you had better fix it .
Enjoy the chips and your weekend... buffalo
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Tuna Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We're coming up on tornado season and that got me to thinking about
Tuna. Allow me to explain. Way back when I was in grade school
every spring we would have tornado drills. These consisted of the
teachers hustling all the students into the hallways and getting us
to put our heads deep between our knees. We got to be so good at
it that we even gave the position a nickname. We called it ?the old
duck and cover?. Yeah, we were cocky until a real tornado hit us.
There we were sitting in our classroom when suddenly the wind
began to blow, the sky grew dark and clouds began to form. In
a short while things calmed down and the sky took on a greenish
tint. The tornado siren began to wail and the teacher wigged out.
"Tornado!" she shrieked freaking out all the kids. "Get into the
hallway and assume the position!"
We ran into the hallway and many of the kids began to cry. I
couldn?t cry. I was too preoccupied with getting my head far
enough up my ass. I noticed that Sally McGintee was having the same
problem. So I scooted over to her and we decided to put our heads
between each others knees. I was so frightened, but the unusual
aroma between Sally?s legs kept me sufficiently distracted. I knew
that smell, I just couldn?t quite place it!
Finally the ?all clear? bell sounded and we all got back onto our
feet. That?s when it hit me. "Tuna!" I shouted. "You smell like
tuna!" Nobody knew what the hell I was talking about. But to this
day, whenever there is a tornado warning I have this uncontrollable
craving for a tuna sandwich
Nick
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Thief Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very particular thief made off with a model of Jenna Jameson's
private parts and nothing more from an adult store in Fullerton
early Tuesday morning.
.
Surveillance video caught the burglar in the act. This is the story
of a bizarre burglar, an adult erotica shop and a sex toy from Jenna
Jameson's line. Not just any toy, but a $250 model of Jameson's
naughty bits. The product has an official name, but as you may have
guessed, it's entirely too inappropriate to mention on a
family-friendly Web site. (Did I mention this is a creepy, awkward
story?)
Tawny Marshall, the manager of The Erogenous Zone (2449 E.
Orangethorpe) , could hardly believe it when police informed her
that a thief had targeted her store earlier this week. But she was
even more surprised when she saw the surveillance tape.
At about 4 a.m. on April 15, a man threw a large rock at the store's
front door. Twice. When he failed to break the glass, he moved on to
one of the front windows. He then used the same rock to shatter that
window, break a neon light and gain access to the store. Footage
shows him nonchalantly walk over to the cash register, which he was
unable to open. You would think he would have shown signs of
frustration at this point, but no, he casually picks up a life-size
model of Jenna Jameson's mid-section and walks out of the store. At
least he didn't leave empty-handed.
"It's kinda funny," Marshall said. "He didn't even spend any time
here, really."
Sgt. Mike MacDonald of the Fullerton Police Department agrees and
speculates that the thief left with the one thing he really wanted.
"This ranks right up there with some of the more bizarre ones I've
seen," MacDonald said.
Michelle
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French Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The London Daily Mail Online
March 13, 2009
As France rejoins NATO, a humorous reminder of why we never missed
them
By Marcus Dunk
With typical flamboyance and fanfare, French President Nicolas
Sarkozy this week announced that France is to rejoin Nato's military
command after 40 years of self-imposed exile.
It was in 1966 that President Charles de Gaulle pulled out of the
heart of the Nato alliance, claiming that belonging to the Nato
military command undermined French independence and sovereignty.
Yet while its allies in the alliance have publicly welcomed this
return to the fold, a fundamental question seems to have been
ignored: do we actually want the French back?
Since World War II, the French and its army have been seen by many
as standard-bearers for surrender, cowardice and military
ineptitude.
But at least they've made us laugh. Here's a selection of
morale-boosting jokes and quips about the people so memorably
described in The Simpsons TV series as the cheese-eating surrender
monkeys...
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.
How can you recognise a French veteran?
Sunburned armpits.
Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
Why did it take Germany three days to conquer France in World War
II?
Because it was raining.
Why did the French give America the Statue of Liberty?
Because she has only one arm raised.
Why do the French get more votes in the U.N.?
They vote with both hands.
Why is the French fighter plane called the Mirage?
It doesn't exist.
Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
What does 'Maginot' mean in German?
Welcome!
Why is the French Foreign Legion the only decent fighting force in
the whole French Army?
Because it's made up of foreigners.
What does the new French flag look like?
A white cross emblazoned on a white background.
What's the shortest book ever written?
French War Heroes.
What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
How to surrender in at least ten languages.
What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A rear-view mirror, so they can see the war.
Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because in wartime they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Why did the French celebrate their World Cup in 1998 so wildly?
It was their first time they won anything without outside help.
Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
To see all their other ships.
What did the mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered
the city in World War II?
'Table for 100,000, monsieur?'
Why are the French afraid of war?
You would be, too, if you had never won one.
How do you stop a French army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Did you hear about the French admiral who wanted to be buried at sea
when he died?
Five sailors died digging his grave.
What's the best thing about being French?
You can surrender at the beginning of the war and somebody else will
win it for you.
'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me.'
General George S. Patton.
How do the French advertise surplus World War II rifles for sale?
'Never fired, only dropped once.'
And a few more jokes...
The French government announced after the London bombings that it
had raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling its
military.
A long time ago, the British and French were at war. During one
battle, the French captured an English major. They took the major to
their headquarters and a French general began to question him.
The French general asked: 'Why do you English officers all wear red
coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easy targets for us
to shoot?'
In his debonair English way, the major informed the general that the
reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot,
the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now, all French army officers wear
brown pants.
An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference of
officers from the U.S. navy and the French navy. At a cocktail
reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel
from both navies.
A French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned
many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: 'Why
is it that we have to speak English at these conferences rather than
speak French?' Without hesitating, an American admiral replied:
'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
In 1966, upon being told that Charles de Gaulle had taken France out
of NATO and that all U.S. troops must be evacuated from French soil,
President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk: 'Ask him
about the cemeteries, Dean!'
So, at end of the meeting, Dean asked de Gaulle if his order to
remove all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000
plus soldiers buried in France from World War I and World War II. De
Gaulle never answered.
Roger
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Snow White Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard day of work.
As they
approached the house, they heard some sounds coming from the garden.
Their
curiosity aroused, they stood on each other's shoulders until
finally one of
them could see over the garden wall.
The dwarf at the top saw Snow White and the prince sitting and
talking in the
garden. He said to the other dwarf, "Snow White is with the
Prince."
This news gets passed down to all the dwarfs:
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the
dwarfs.
Then the dwarf at the top says, "They're kissing."
Again the chain starts:
"They're kissing."
"They're kissing."
"They're kissing."
"They're ......."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off..."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both..."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to..."
At this point, Snow White hears a sound near the wall, and so she
gets up to
investigate.
The dwarf at the top sees this and says, "She's coming!"
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Blonde Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby,
so after a while the wife, a blonde, consults her doctor, who
recommends the
minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not
pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he
recommends
the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still
not
as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in
the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After
having
recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital
activities,
and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular
examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're
finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually
all
about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think
must
have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations
failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability,
so
I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning a little girl ran inside and said Daddy, Daddy my sister
and the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn
on
all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has his
pants down. I think they are about to piss all over that new hay!
Wendy and Becky went out for a night on the town and got just
totally
blitzed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut
through a
cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home.
They became lost so split up to try and find the road home. Wendy
doubled back
only to stumble on Becky laying flat on her back sucking on, and
playing with
a cow's udders.
Wendy screamed "what are you doing"?
Becky replied "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us
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A blonde named Mary was walking down the street and she
saw a sign on a fabric store window that said 'FELT FOR $.25'.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, 'Ha, ha, ha, ha...', because she
knew that she could get felt for free.
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Hunting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting
in the morning.
She says, "I want to go too."
He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up."
She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early."
He says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up
the ass or you are going to give me a blow job."
She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up."
3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and
tries
to wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that
he is going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be
up.
He gets out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he
is going to give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out
and
get their stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back
in she has to be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about
30 minutes and when he comes back in his wife is snoring.
He is pissed. He wakes her up.
He said, "OK now whats it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?"
She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a
blow job."
He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it.
Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE
SHIT!!!"
He said, "Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nipples of Sarah Sarong,
When excited, were twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
-----
Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
-----
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her,
And left her to pay for the room.
Karl
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were these three prisoners in a German POW camp, and they were
Australian, American, and Irish.
The commandant was a real mean prick and he was going to shoot his
three
captives unless their combined dick length was in excess of 20
inches.
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and
prepares himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to
carry it to the bedroom.
As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup
he slurs: "Do lemons have little yellow feet?"
The wife looks at him: "No!"
"Damn!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1543
The Madness Cont..
Rudy: So you were a star on the team?
BJ: No, the next thing he worked on was getting me out of my shell.
He
got me to try out for the team. I made the team but as the back up
point
guard. I still had one issue, I could not shoot free throws very
well.
Sandi: How did you rectify the situation?
BJ: The next evening at the gym, he told me to shoot 100 free
throws
at the other end of the gym and not to worry about the ones I made,
but
to see where the ones I missed went...all but two missed to the
right.
A light flashed in my head, I saw the problem. I was standing
straight
on and shooting from my right side, the answer was to move a little
to my
left or to shoot in front of me. By observing, I increased my
percentage
from about fifty-five percent to eighty-five percent. I instantly
became the
second best free throw shooter on the team...if I could just play.
Rudy: Okay what happened?
BJ: We were playing a small college. We were down by twenty points
at
the half. The coach had never played me and my friend, the best
player
in the league confronted him and said, he can play, play him or I
sit.
Sandi: And?
BJ: I played...I hit my first eleven shots from the field, dished
out some
assists, played solid defense. The difference between me and the
other
point guard was night and day, I took the team and ran, ran and ran
some more. The other point guard walked it up. We attacked and the
game got down to where we were down by two points with just a few
seconds to go. There guy was shooting a one and one free throw. I
hand signaled that as soon as he released his shot, I was breaking
for our
goal... He shot, missed, we got the board, our guy made an 85 foot
long
pass, I caught it but...I was too far under our goal. The pass was
a little
too long, I did put up a shot, it hit the backboard and rim, but
missed and
we lost.
Katie: Awww!
BJ: It was okay... I was a starter from there on. Our team used to
average
about sixty points a game. The next game we scored 140 points, the
game after 104. I made first team, along with my buddy.
Rudy: Sniff sniff. So why where you hitting your head on the
wall?
BJ: My team was not attacking... I always believed in basketball,
attack
the goal on offense and attack the basketball on defense. The game
is just
that simple. Life is like that.
Rudy: Huh?
BJ: When you see what you want in life...go for it. Do not hold
back, put
forth maximum effort, if you fall short, at least you tried. If
someone tries
to mess with you (defense) defend yourself to the maximum. The best
defense is a good offense.
Katie: Do I need to write this down.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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