Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Today is the national observance of our Independence from Britain.
Our celebrations are always
awesome in most every town large or small and a good example of this
is a little town called Brimley about 15 miles from us. For a town
its size
with only about 1,400 people they always manage a parade and a
fireworks show that is the envy of larger towns. The fireworks are
sponsored by a local fireworks store located on the Indian reservation
across from the Casino that at this time of year is one of the most
popular
stops in the whole county. About ten years ago I went out there and
purchased several hundred dollars worth of various fireworks ranging
from safe and sane stuff like fountains for use in town and the less
sane
variety with things like 3 inch mortars for out in the country. I had
the
owner
help me pick the things out with an emphasis on things that wouldn't
upset my next door neighbors in town as our houses are only several
feet apart and although the police somewhat tolerate firework use
like bottle rockets and firecrackers on the fourth there is a limit to
everything.
Fourth of July came and after the fireworks and fighting the traffic
home,
about midnight we broke out the bag of fireworks and went out on the
front sidewalk and set off some of the small fountains and let the
kids play
with sparklers and the small novelties like tanks and smoke bombs.
When they tired of that, I broke out a large wrapped cylinder about
the
size of a layer cake that said fountain with stars on it and a big
fuse out
of the top. I set the thing on the sidewalk and lit it off and to my
surprise the
thing started spitting out sparks 15 feet in the air and hurling golf
ball
sized
balls of flame over a 30 foot circle barely missing the neighbors cars
and the porch roof and leaving little scorch marks on the sidewalk
and grass
when the balls landed. To make matters worse it consisted of twenty
small tubes and lasted about 5 minutes. About the middle of its
performance
I ran out and flipped the device over making a worse mess on the
sidewalk
but at least stopping any damage to the neighboring houses. That was
the end
of that, I kept the firecrackers and novelties and gave the rest of
the
stuff
away. I am sure the owner of the fireworks store was chuckling to
himself
when he sold me the stuff as he knew where I lived.
Enjoy the Holidays, overeat and maybe take a second to invite a
relative
or neighbor over that you haven't seen for awhile. They will
appreciate it and
you won't be forced to eat leftovers for a week.
Have a great 4th ... buffalo
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Vacation Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London
street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in
Devon this year," said one.
"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there!
It
would be awful."
"Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well, where are you going?"
"Salisbury," she replied.
"But Salisbury crawls with Irish, luv!"
At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why
don't
ye go t' hell. There be no Irish there!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Fight Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to
him. "Good evening, Kelly," said the muffled figure. " Dont ye be
knowin' your old friend Grogan anymore?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose
face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in
a
sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "was ye
hit
by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from a trestle?" " It
could've
been both," said Grogan, " considering the feel of it. But the truth
is,
I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a
murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate bastard
beat the livin' bejazus outa me!" " He did indade," said Kelly. " But
could'nt ye defend yourself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your hand?"
"Only Mrs Murphy's ass " said Grogan. "Its a beautiful thing in
itself,
but, not worth a pinch of shit in a fight!
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Philadelphia Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a
building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got
drunk
as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day
(Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the
priest
heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty
Hail
Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor
box.
Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for
San
Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be
made
was
more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing
Pat
decides to go with Rory.
At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than
double anything he'd made before. Off he goes for a night on the town.
Gets
drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning
remorse
sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing
Pat's
confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and
drop
a dollar in the poor box.
"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our
fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to
fork over $20."
"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin'
and
fuckin ' in Philadelphia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sex Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't care what your hobby is before puberty hits, because
as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new one. Let's just
say that when I was 14 I was treated for tennis elbow, and I
didn't even own a racquet. I wasn't exactly subtle about my
self-discovery either. I had tiki torches all around my bed, a
poster of Farrah Fawcett on my ceiling and a spring-loaded
tissue dispenser on my nightstand while I worked my own
crank like it was the gearshift on a Volkswagen bus that I
was trying to rock out of a mud hole. Ah, the good old
days--last Thursday.
You know, there was a time when men dreaded getting old
because they knew it would rob them of their sexual power.
But thanks to modern medicine, couples are having sex
well into their 70s and 80s, to the point where you can now
buy edible panties fortified with calcium.
I guess like all things in this era of unfettered capitalism,
science and technology have turned human sexuality into
yet another profit center. Between penile lengthening,
Viagra and boob jobs, doctors are nailing up shingles to
get in on all the nailing going on. You've got guys who
haven't even been to medical school setting up shop in a
kiosk on a traffic island on Sunset Boulevard who'll inject
chicken fat into your dick for $20 at a red light. Or $10, if
you've got the Entertainment '99 coupon book.
Hey, civilizations come and go, but the one constant
throughout the ages has been and always will be the
orgasm. Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief--I don't
care what your social strata is. When that climax lightning
bolt comes roaring down your loins, there's only one thing
on your mind:
why in the hell is everybody else on this bus starin' at me?
Stolen from Dennis Miller
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Pick up Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi! I'm Mr. Right! I was told you were looking for me?
There you are! Where have you been? You were supposed
to be in my bed five minutes ago!
I'm here, you're here -- we already have something in common!
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Wanna swap microorganisms?
I don't want to kiss you -- I just want to tell your lips a secret!
Want to come over and meet my sheets?
I bet my tongue can beat up your tongue.
Are you busy tonight around 3am? Would you like to be?
I like your smile, but I'd probably rather see you scream.
Two trains are leaving their stations at the same time.
Both need to travel 1000 miles. If Train A is going 95
miles an hour, and Train B is going 85 miles an hour,
how long will it take for you to go out with me?
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Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a third grader named Little Johnny. Every time the
teacher would say something, Little Johnny would say, "How about
that!"
One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed the
Delaware."
Little Johnny said, "How about that!"
The teacher told Little Johnny, "If you say that one more time, you
are
going out into the hall, mister!"
To that, Little Johnny replied, "Well, how about that!"
Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Little Johnny into the hall
and said, "While you're out here, I want you to write a poem to tell
the
class."
Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Little Johnny and
said, "Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem."
Little Johnny said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up
the
wall. How about that!"
The teacher said, "That's fine, Little Johnny, but I want you to leave
the cock out."
She took him back into the classroom and announced that Little Johnny
had a poem for the class.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a
roach
go up the wall with his cock out. How about that!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Dear Abby Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the
caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot
recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some
friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but
I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject
with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth,
but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on
her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf
clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived
home from a night out with "the girls". When she got ou t of the car
she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her
panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment,
crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on
my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to
the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just got off the phone with Paul Connor
and he was telling me about his new book about
winning any lottery of your choice.
Yes, I said Winning the Lotto.
At first I though he was joking, but when he told
me the amount of copies he was selling on a daily
basis and (after my jaw absolutely dropped) I was
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He doesn't know how long he can offer this book, so I wanted to make
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love it
:-)
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
And nothing could make a man madder
Than losing to some woman's bladder
I see them some nights
All hitting the heights
That no man could reach with a ladder
~~~~~~
St. David of Wales is unique
But not for the words he would speak
Or the life that he led;
He's, oddly, instead
Remembered for taking a leek.
~~~~~~
In one little whorehouse I've been
I sampled the charms of Maureen
Affection I sought
But something I caught
Was turning my gonads to green
~~~~~~
I wouldn't think that was so bad
As the sweet little thing that I had
In gay old Paris --
What she gave to me
Has turned my poor gonads to plaid
Amy
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie
and
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was
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the
chicken as he turned it.
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Bonus Chip
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A husband and his wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said," I'll bet you cant
tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few minutes, then said "How much are you
willing to bet." "One hundred dollars!"said the boisterous husband.
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Calif Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A re-run but a good one
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 344
The 4th Part 1
Rudy: What is the 4th of July all about Katie?
Katie: I don't really know. It is not about taking the fifth.
Sandi: Or drinking a fifth.
Katie: Let's go to my library and look it up on the computer.
The kids go inside and gather around the computer screen.
Katie: Hmmm, it appears a bunch of people signed a paper that made
them traitors to England. The paper was the Constitution. It appears
to be one of the foundations of this country, the United States of
America.
Sandi: Wow! That is important.
Rudy: Says here it is a day we honor the military past and present.
Katie: I have an idea....
Sandi/Rudy: The time machine!!!!
Katie: Yes, let's go back and see what really happened. Pack your
bags
we will gone for a little while. Go see if mom and Dad would like to
go along with Muffin and Callie.
Rudy: Okay, I will wear my red/white and blue shorts.
Katie: That is more information than I need to know.
Katie: Everyone strapped in.
Diana: Yes.
Muffin: Yes.
BJ: I set the timer for a different time than 1776.
Katie: Why?
BJ: You will see.
Katie presses the button, lights flash and ... stuff
BJ: Where we are is after a battle. This is one of many battles we
lost. We actually lost more than we won. But we hung in there.
Sometimes it is not the best army, but who has the most determination.
Also, remember when those men signed the Declaration of Independence,
they were spitting in the King of England's face. They were
considered
traitors of the crown. Okay let's go outside.
Everyone leaves the Time Machine..... to witness the aftermath of a
horrible battle field. Many are the bodies.
Rudy: These men are barely old enough to fight, some are just kids.
Diana: Yes, but they fought as men for their country. As of today,
the United States of America does not exist in most countries eyes.
France recognizes us, but few others.
Rudy: This is so sad. ..... listen I can hear a faint song.... a
drum beat
"Yankee Doodle..."
Katie: Sniff sniff. Look the flag they fought for is still
standing.
BJ: Look well. The blood in this ground is sacred. This is the
founding
of our freedom. Freedom is expensive. Okay let's get in the Time
Machine and go back to 1776, July 4th.... Katie what are you doing?
Katie: "Mine eyes have seen the Glory of the coming of the Lord..."
Diana whispering to BJ: That is a civil war song. She doesn't know..
BJ: Shh! She is feeling it. Look at the tears in her eyes. Let
her be.
Diana: Look at Sandi.
Sandi is kneeling in front of the tattered, bullet scared, but
standing
flag. She is bowing her head and mumbling some words.....
and Lord give these soldiers rest in Your house... amen
Diana: BJ wake up... Wake up.
BJ: Huh. What happened?
Diana: Nothing. You just slept after we jumped back in time to 1776.
The kids are outside. We are in Philadelphia.
BJ and Diana get out of the Time Machine and see Katie visiting with
a man .....: Ben I tell you we could make millions on this. Just put
my
column in your paper.
Ben: I want to discover electricity first.
Katie gets angry: Oh go fly a kite!
Ben: That's it. During a storm when the lightening is flashing... I
need a conductor...
BJ: Katie, was that Ben Franklin you were talking to?
Katie: Yes. Hrumpt!. I tried to show him my Am/Fm radio but I guess
the reception isn't very good.
BJ: Maybe because radio stations have not been invented yet.
Katie: Gulp!
BJ: Let's go in the building and see what is happening.
Sandi: Who is signing that paper with his signature so large.
Diana: That is John Hancock. His signature is large because he wants
the King of England to know he signed it and has rejected the King.
Rudy: Wow! These are brave men.
BJ: Far braver than we can ever imagine Rudy.
Katie: Look, that guy over there looks like the picture on this
currency.
BJ: I think you see a lot of 'currency' pictures here. Over there
is
Hamilton, there is Thomas Jefferson. I heard George Washington
is outside. Let's go see.
The family goes outside and hears George Washington making an
impassioned plea for men to join the colonial army.
BJ: Rudy what are you doing with a musket?
Rudy: Joined.
BJ: Do you know how to load the thing and fire it?
Rudy: No.
BJ: Would you be more help or more of a hindrance?
Rudy: Want to help. I want to do my part for freedom.
BJ: This is their time. They must, for better or for ill, make the
sacrifices today so we can have our tomorrows.
Rudy: So you want me to stand down.
BJ: No, I want you to take your stand but in our time.
Rudy: Okay Dad. Can I bring the musket back home with me?
BJ: No, they will need all the guns they can get. You can wear the
three corner patriot hat though. Looks rather nice.
Rudy pumping out his chest: Yeah, looks good Dad.
Let's go home and shoot off some fireworks.
Sandi: Where are we? I thought we were going home to shoot off
our fireworks.
Diana: Dad thought it would be nice if we understood about the
fireworks.
Katie: Wow, we are on a real three master. Boom! Hey! What is
all that shooting about?
BJ: Look that is Fort McKinley off the port. The British navy is
trying to batter her into submission.
Rudy with tears in his eyes: Old Glory is still flying Dad!
Katie: Who is that man over there Dad and what is he doing?
BJ: That is Francis Scott Keyes, he is writing the Star Spangled
Banner. The music comes much later but he is putting down the words
as he
sees them.
Sandi: And the rockets red glare....
Rudy: The bombs bursting in air....
Katie: Gave proof through the night, that our flag was still there.
Diana: Did you know only 65 percent of the people in our time know
the words to this song?
Rudy: No way.
BJ: Diana is correct. This is the original fireworks display and old
glory stood her ground and the brave men fought on.
Sandi: I am so proud to be an American.
BJ: Sandi, it is I who is proud to be a free American.
Katie: Do you think we could charge for boat rides after the battle?
Diana: Katie!!!
Katie: Feels good to be back home in the year 2005.
Rudy: Feels good to visit my friend mr air conditioner.
Sandi: Feels good to visit dad's bed.
BJ: Okay line up. Here are your fireworks, Muffin, Callie, Sandi,
Katie and Rudy.
The kids run to the field with their sacks of stuff and within a
couple
of minutes ..... bang, pop, zzzzbang. Hey who put that sparkler in my
butt?
Diana: It is nice to be home and in our time. We can and will have a
cook out. I wonder what the soldiers ate in 1776?
BJ: Whatever they could find I imagine.
Katie runs by with a sparkler in her paw and a roman candle in the
other
pop pop.
BJ: Look they are having a Roman candle fight.
Diana: Could be dangerous.
BJ: Which is why I have the water hose close to us.
Rudy: Sandi, you set off a stink bomb.
Katie: No she didn't, that is just her.
Sandi: Hey Chewbaca..
BJ: Be nice now. Remember, we will have a cook out in a little
while.
Diana: Look at Callie and Muffin putting up all the US flags around
the
yard.
BJ: Yeah, and now Katie is helping.... and Rudy and Sandi. Our kids
have learned a lesson today.
Happy Birthday USA
Celebrate your Freedom
After eating their fill, everyone is moaning and just feeling okay.
BJ: Sandi, what do you have there?
Sandi blushing: Oh just some notes that were given to my by some
men back on our trip.
Rudy: What do they say?
Sandi: Well okay the first one reads:
"Posterity -- you will never know how much it has cost my
generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good
use of it." --John Quincy Adams
Katie: Wow that is powerful.
Diana: Do have any more?
Sandi: Not much, some of it got ruined by rain. Here is one:
"The flames kindled on the 4th of July 1776, have spread over
too much of the globe to be extinguished by the feeble engines of
despotism; on the contrary, they will consume these engines and
all who work them." --Thomas Jefferson
Muffin: That is great Sandi. I hope you keep them.
Sandi: I have been reading and re-reading them. Here is the last
that I have: "Samuel Adams: "It does not take a majority to
prevail...but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting
brushfires of freedom in the minds of men."
BJ: Well well my Sandi, you are quite the literary hound so to speak.
Sandi continuing to blush: Shucks Dad. It is just history that is
all
BJ: Let's go in and watch "The Patriot" with Mel Gibson.
Yeah!!!!!
The Herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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