Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I woke up the other morning to the sound of a diesel and hydraulics
nearby and since it wasn't trash day I decided to go have a look.
There was a backhoe sitting on the sidewalk in the neighbor's yard,
digging a hole in the fresh sod. I imagine the problem was with the
sewer and a few minutes later the backhoe was knocking a hole in
the street. Almost as fast as they got the hole open it was closed
again with a traffic barrel sitting in the hole so I doubt if the
actually
fixed the problem.
This is not all that unusual except for the fact they just replaced
the
piping, sidewalks, lawn, and curb and gutters last summer finishing
about the time school started. The city had pressed to have just a
block of the street done to repair a sewer problem even though the
whole street was supposed to be done in a few years. With the
constant freezing and thawing here the road will never be the same
no
matter what type of repair is done and there will always be a
pothole
there in various states of repair. I only rent but the owners on
this block
paid 35.00 a foot expecting a decent street for the next ten years
not patchwork six months later. The city and contractor should be
forced
to absorb the cost of grinding the top layer and putting down a new
top layer.
At least my block has less traffic on it and therefore will not get
the
wear and tear that the main streets do. Some of them are patchwork
from one end to the other and the first few weeks with no snow are
always
the most dangerous as the holes have been known to rip a muffler
or rim right off of a car. The road crews will be out full time with
cold patch
and sprays plugging the holes and putting up cones and by Memorial
Day
it is just ugly. On the good side it will take a pretty good hole to
swallow
my Suburban.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Explosive Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Around age ten, my dad got me one of those little badass long bow
beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land
sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did
you know that a 1955 40-horse Farmall tractor will take six rounds
before it goes down? Tough SOB.
That got boring, so being the ten-year-old Dukes of Hazard fan that
I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused
in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows
all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland
so there really wasn't any fire danger. I'll put it this way: a set
of post hole diggers and a three-foot hole and you had yourself a
well.
One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large
rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport
and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light
bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought
that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner.
Let's face it: to a ten-year-old old mouth-breather like myself,
ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the
house and got a one-pound can of dad's muzzleloader Pyrodex.
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the
can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit
around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie...
one pound of Pyrodex and sixteen ounces of ether should make a loud
pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Heck with
that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a
second can of Pyrodex and dumped it too.
Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about fifteen feet and lit the
two-stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I
released, I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a
slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the
truck. OH CRAP! He just got home from work. So help me God it took
ten minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was
walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes.
I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce
the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main
pile of pyrodex and into the can.
Oh. Hell.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if
it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex
jerk back from 235 MF'n decibels of sound. I caught a half a
millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and
I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering one
foot above the ground as far as I could see.
It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of
grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned
purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAMN DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE!
There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the
pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So
here I am, on the ground, blown completely out of my shoes, with my
thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the
carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: "ECHO
BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GOLL DAMIT
CEASE FIRE!!!!!"
His hat has blown off and is thirty feet behind him in the driveway.
All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there
is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about two thousand feet over our
backyard. There is a Honda 185s three-wheeler parked on the other
side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now
touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know. I
know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my
own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would
really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said
something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp
pain, blacked out, woke later.... Repeat this process for an hour or
so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give
me CPR so dad could beat me some more.
Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom.
One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again.
Mom had been bitching about that thing for years, and dad never did
anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some
sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the
beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids
into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they
can use later on in life
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His legs
are
wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under
his
eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like
you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said
masturbate!"
Sam goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My marriage isn't
as much fun as it used to be. My wife is always tired".
The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy sex?
"As much as the next fellow" replied Sam.
The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow,
she's exhausted."
Japanese tourist goes into a bar in outback Australia with a white
cockatoo on his shoulder.
The barman says "where did you get that?" and the cockatoo replies
"There's a coach load of 'em in the carpark".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oops! is a word
That I don't care
To hear as someone
Cuts my hair.
Another time
It's not a thrill
Is when the dentist
Holds a drill.
An Oops! escaped
From pilot's lips
Can do me in
On airplane trips.
But nothing's worse
Than Oopses! spoken
When one finds out
The rubber's broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Golf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them
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After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping
the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the
ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his
wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way
too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP.
The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was good, "the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your
mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lighter Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter
to
economize in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble.
So she
spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a
cigarette
with it and put it in his pocket.
She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in
your
trousers.
He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not
used to
discussing such things with ladies.
She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work?
Do you
jerk it up and down?
He: Oh, sometimes...
She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do
you rub
yours up and down until something comes?
He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.
She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?
He: No, most certainly not!
She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before
then?
He: Of course I haven't.
She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of
it.
He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.
She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it
nowadays
anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?
He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.
She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use
does not
seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end
when
it's dry?
He: Yes.
She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much
trouble.
Would you like to have a look at it?
He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.
She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight.
It has
been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it.
I'll unwind
it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here
it is
(dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll have
to go
back to matches.
The young man collapses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you a bicycle, but the
mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost
her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you
to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm
sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no
transportation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
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Movie Clips
Topper
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Trained Puppies
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Tread Mill
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Tree Sex
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Trick Boobies
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Verrassing
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Water Power
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Way Cool Toy
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Wekker Problem
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Welcome Home
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Westfall Horse Video
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We Wish You A Merry Christmas
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Party Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real
blast. After I'd been there a few hours (and several, several
drinks), I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side.
She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair
down to her waist. She was built like a brick, well, anyway she was
built! The amazing thing was, she kept staring at me and smiling.
Naturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck. Like they say,
nothing ventured, nothing gained. I went over and stuck up a
conversation with her (don't remember about what, but it had to be
very interesting)
back to her place and being the gentleman I am, I said "OK." I'm not
going to go into all the details of the night (mainly because I
don't
remember), but I awoke the next morning to the aroma of fresh coffee
and bacon frying. I thought now this is great! I think I might have
a
keeper here. I got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen.
When I got there her mom (looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was
standing at the stove. Embarrassed, I stammered, "Where's your
daughter?"
She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and
said, "I don't have a daughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Huge Enemys
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Queer
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Cupid's mistake
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Alien bikers
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I WANT TO BELIEVE
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man from Montrose
Who could diddle himself with his toes.
He did it so neat
He fell in love with his feet,
And christened them Myrtle and Rose.
There once was a man named Brian
In bed he was as frisky as a lion.
Children he had none
Though he cum and he cum
He said it was fun just trying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet
twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I
feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled
the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled ,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed...'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb. . .
But all men...are men
Rob
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those who write on shithouse walls
roll their shit in little balls
Those who read these words of wit
eat these little balls of shit
by a DingleBerry !!!
Live Each Day as if It Is Your Last !!!
Learn as if You'll Live Forever !!!
Here is another bathroom "witty" saying. I found it written on the
wall of a friend's outhouse, and have been decorating bathroom
stalls with it ever since.
"Don't bother standing on the seat because our crabs can jump
10 feet".
Laney
~~~~~~~~~~~~
TITAN Peeler - The World's Best Peeler!
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*Garnishing Book with tips and tricks on preparing fruits and
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1568
Kamping Out
BJ: I have an idea Diana.
Diana: What's that?
BJ: I think I will camp out Friday night in the backyard. I will
have the dogs with me.
Diana: Why?
BJ: The weather is supposed to me moderate and I think it would be
good for the dogs. Heck, I am not getting any younger and I should
do it while I can.
Diana: You do have that new pup tent.
BJ: Yeah, let me call the dogs... Hey Rudy, Katie Sandi, come here
guys!
The dogs come running up the stairs...and park at BJ's feet.
BJ: I have an idea. What do you say we camp out in the backyard
Friday night and spend the night out there?
Katie: No way. It will be cold. The ground is hard... Nope.
Rudy: Our dog food dishes are inside. This is torture.
Sandi: I will go where you go daddy.
BJ: I will have a small tent and we can cuddle inside it. I will
have dog
food there.
Katie: How about wild animals?
BJ: Hey guys you were came from wolves. Where is your sense of
adventure?
Rudy: I would rather watch TV.
To be continued
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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