Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Good morning everyone. Just finished watching the White House
briefing on the Mexican Swine Flu. On the good side, no one that
has gotten it here has died from it and it does seem to respond
to anti-flu drugs like Tami flu. On the bad side no one has figured
a
way to blame this on the Bush Administration. Like the Avian flu
that we all worried over in past years, this one seems to attack
people with perfect immune systems harder than those who are
children or over 50 because their body overreacts to the virus.
I still won't be going anywhere near a hospital or the doctor's
office if I can help it for the next couple of weeks.
Last night I came out to work on the computer and Eva had found
the Photo Impression software that came with one of our cameras
but no one had ever used. She had went into her birthday pictures
and pulled up a picture of herself and had cropped just her head
out of the picture and turned it upside down It had taken me most
of an afternoon to get that far when I used the same program with
my scanner. I wonder what kind of skills she will have at 4 or 5. I
may be able to put her in charge of the website and give Nancy a
rest.
Have a great weekend.... buffalo
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Gay Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent
the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the
Oprah
diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a
dog,
but
gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed.
And
just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get
your
ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come
to
daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on
bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, craw fish guts, pickled
pigs
feet, or breasts. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko
and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking
lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his
bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard
one
in
the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A
straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with
Skim"
and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like.
If
you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types
of
dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A
real
man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that
crap
as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league,
NFL,
NBA, college ball, PGA, and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse
or
you
know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type
of
textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it......you'
hungry for a meat popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel
to
honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the
time he
needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold
his
beer, or play with the bitch in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous
le
Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is
with a
woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above
films by
yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they
flame
out
too quickly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"John and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and
started another one," said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Nadine.
"Well," said Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and
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"Yeah" says Nadine.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does
it have to be with you?'"
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone
number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked confused.
"Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.
"Would you please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and
immediately hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I angrily dialed again. This time a
man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"Like Hell you are!" I exclaimed. "You're not my boyfriend!"
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tell my wife for the past half-hour."
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Osha Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to
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that he was going down to use the facilities. The
foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down
and back he'd lose a half hour of time. The foreman
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end and pee off. He told the man that they were 30
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The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his
cock in his hand screaming, 'Where did that cocksucker
go!' "
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning
her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she
asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you
slept with?"
"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her
hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then
there's
you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."
Drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me,
but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'"
The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I
don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'"
"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "but I think
I just wiped my ass with your parrot."
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned
his
two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to
perk
up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets
a
blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Ad Chips
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Line Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer
remember
his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they
are
prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only
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line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold
the
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with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose
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and
then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing
his
line
over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great
passion
delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and
the
director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call a man who hates women?
A: A fashion designer.
------------
Q: What's the difference between a child molester
and a fucking freak?
A: Political correctness.
------------
Q: What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
A: "Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!"
------------
Q: Why are blondes like Corn Flakes?
A: Because they're simple, they're easy, and they taste good!
------------
Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss among men?
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.
------------
Q: How long did it take to fill the red sea?
A: A very long period.
------------
Q: There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope...
what's the other one doing?
A: Sniffing crack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Disgusting
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lover she said,
As they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
____________
There was a young stud from Missouri
Who fucked with astonishing fury
'Til taken to court!"
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Swimming to the surface after a spectacular dive, Roger realized he
had
lost his trunks. Despite a determined search, he was unable to find
them. He huddled in a corner of the pool trying to figure out how
to
exit with dignity.
Finally, shivering with cold, he cupped his hands over his privates,
hopped out of the water and headed for the locker room, shouting,
"Mad
dog, mad dog!"
Just as his escape was almost complete, a beautiful blonde jumped in
front of him and blocked his way. "Why don't you come back to my
place," she whispered, tugging playfully at the bottom of her
bikini,
"and we'll muzzle the son of a bitch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat
on the other side of his desk. "I was right, Mrs.
Green," he announced, "You are definitely pregnant again."
"This will be the fifteenth, doc," said Mrs. Green
grimly. "You'll have to help me. Enough is enough.
I want one of those hearing aids!"
"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor. "Surely you mean
a contraceptive device?"
"I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see it's like
this. Every Saturday night my husband comes in drunk.
When he gets into bed he says, "Now then, are we
going to sleep, or what?"
And every blasted time I say, 'What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1583
The Play Continued
The crude curtain (bedsheet) is drawn back and standing in the
middle
of the stage is Rudy.
Rudy: This is my town. It is an average town, filled with hopes
and dreams
like any other town. This is the town where I grew up. This is
where I
met my love...and where the pod people attacked.
Sandi and Katie come from the back and start to tap dance and sing
a song called "We Are The Pod People."
BJ nudging Diana: What do you think?
Diana: Different, definitely different.
After the song, Gus and the Guinea hens start to act like robots
where
Horace and his Turkeys are acting like normal people.
BJ: I see the Guineas are supposed to be the invaders and the
Turkeys the
normals.
Diana: I guess, let's see what happens next.
Rudy: We visit this town and see the local scientist trying to
invent a cure
to ward off the invasion.
Katie wearing a white lab coat: Yes, it is I, professor K, and I
will save the
world from the invaders from Mars. I just need to perfect my
dosage.
Bring in the invader.
Rudy dressed as a policeman enters: I have the invader.
Katie: Watch as I use my squirt gun upon this unsuspecting fool.
A mist forms.
Gus: I am cured. I am no longer an evil alien.
Sandi and Rudy start to sing and dance "Monster to Human Again"
BJ: I think this is getting a bit out of hand.
Diana: You have to admit the singing is quite good.
BJ: Where is the music coming from?
Diana: Look to the right.
BJ looks and sees Cleo, Mark and Pearl as they are playing
the drums, keyboard and quitar.
BJ: Good grief.
To be Continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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