Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I decided to go to bed before the crowd last night
but that didn't work well. I had just got sound asleep
and Buffy started yelling about something. Come to find
out Eva had made good her escape plans by diving
out a window. It was only a two foot drop to the snow
bank but she didn't have shoes on. She probably
made a mental note to wear her Dora snow boots
next time. I finally got Buffy calmed down and went
back to sleep.
When I woke up the second time, about 0500, Eva was
in bed so I went out to use the computers in peace. Have
you ever tried to put together a newsletter with a 5 year
old sitting on your knee and elbowing you every ten
seconds to get you to look at some minute change she
has made in the dolls she is working on. Makes you
want to introduce her to the sport of evil midget tossing
but then when she finds something else to do you miss
not having her around.
Anyhow I had just set up my templates for the newsletters
when I started hearing this sound that was coming from
the HP computer. It sounded like an old dot matrix printer
or a hard drive that has its heads dragging across the
platters. I unplugged the speakers and the noise was still
there so I shut the machine down and as it was shutting
down the noise stopped. I pushed the blue neon button
and it started up with no noise and I set my templates again
and after about ten minutes the noise was back again but
this time I realized that it was actually coming from the
sci-fi movie that was playing on my TV about 8 feet behind it.
My computer sounds like Klingon Disrupter fire, what should
I do? Place On/Off mode selector switch in the Off position
on the TV and continue working.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
A newsletter you may enjoy.
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SCREAM OF THE CROP JOKES
Jokes famous quotations superstitions word & phrase origins and hilarity
The BEST fun emailed free 3 times weekly.
Read a sample at http://www.screamofthecrop.com
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Computer Chips
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Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven.
When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area, which was
about the size of Massachusetts. There were millions of people
living in tents. Food and water were being distributed from the
backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their
way through the crowd.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, a staffer in
his late teens approached him. The young man was wearing a blue
T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow
letters.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice. "My name is Gabriel and
I'll be your induction coordinator."
Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No,
I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm a guy from Philadelphia named
Gabriel who died in a car wreck at 17. Now give me your name, last
name first, unless you were Chinese, in which case it's first name
first."
"Gates, Bill."
Gabriel started searching through the sheaf of papers on his
clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.
"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here?
Where's St. Peter? Where are the pearly gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. "It
says here that you were the president of a large software company.
Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well do the math! When this St. Peter business started, it was
easy. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could
handle it by himself."
"But now there are over five billion people on earth. When God said
to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' Ten
thousand people die every hour, over a quarter-million a day. Do you
think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So he had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter
is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. Franchisees like me
handle the actual inductions."
Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more and then continued.
"Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like
yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend eternity sitting on your bum and
drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your
weight around here!"
Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and
then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down
to induction center no. 23 and meet up with your occupational
coordinator. His name is Abraham--and no, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked to induction center no. 23 and met with Abraham after a
mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data-processing
infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still
doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new
entries. Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing
center."
"We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a
million computers connected by a multisegment fiber-optic network,
all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a
gigabit channel. Fault tolerant, distributed processing, the works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job!
This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new
data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred
times bigger than the Astrodome. Workers were crawling all over the
place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed.
But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million
computers, arranged nearly row-by-row, half a million...
Macintoshes... all running Apple software! Not a PC in sight! Not a
single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending eternity using products he had spent his
whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? Excel???
Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "If you want to build a data
processing center based on PCs running Windows, then you'll have to
go elsewhere!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
speeding
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/e014.html
catching fish
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/e015.html
cannibalism
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/e016.html
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Short Chips
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"Doctor," a man told his psychotherapist, "My wife uses her vibrator
every evening and for a long time. What should I do?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "Maybe you should be more attentive to
her
sexual needs and make love to her more often..."
"It's not that, "interrupted the man, "It's just that the damn thing
interferes with the TV remote!"
On his wedding night Johnson kissed his bride on the forehead then
rolled over and went to sleep.
For the next five nights he never got any closer than an occasional
peck on the forehead. Then came Saturday and Johnson left right
after dinner to join the boys down at the poolroom.
For his wife, this was the last straw and she began to pack her
things. A few minutes later, Johnson burst into the room, grabbed
his wife, tore off all her clothes, threw her down on the bed and
began making violent love to her.
"Why, all of a sudden?" she gasped.
"Well, said Johnson, "the boys down at the poolroom told me you put
out."
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Bra Chips
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What To Do With 1000 Bras
~ Thanks to you, scarecrows nationwide will now get in touch with
their feminine side.
~ At Halloween: "Here's a piece of candy for you, and a little
something for your Mom."
~ You and 999 of your cross-dressing friends smuggle 2,000
cantaloupes out of the Piggly Wiggly.
~ Make 2000 lacey yarmulkes with safety chinstraps.
~ Dump them in a pile. Remove clothes. Roll ar... um, I mean "Donate
them to a women's shelter."
~ Stitch them together, tie them between two trees, and use them as
a launch vehicle for the National Missile Defense System. Twice as
effective than the one they're testing now!
~ Get 1000 mannequins and start practicing, Poindexter.
~ Creative wallpapering for the "Hobbies and Recreational
Activities" wing of the Clinton Presidential Library.
~ Time to re-stock the J. Edgar Hoover Museum gift shop!
~ "999 bras on the wall, 999 bras. Take one down and pass it around,
998 bras on the wall..."
~ Put a check beside "Phase I" of your plan to build 1,000 Britney
Spears robots.
~ Bury Tom Jones once and for all.
~ Pick out the largest and start looking for Cinderella.
~ Position friend atop skyscraper with bras.
~ Do "Native American Lingerie Dance" on sidewalk until large crowd
gathers.
~ Give the secret signal and wait for hilarity to ensue.
~ Hold them hostage until bra-less Victoria's Secret models storm
your house to get them -- and since you're dreaming anyway, they'll
bring beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Snow Chips
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Southwest Virginia Poem Contest of the year 2nd Place
It's winter in Virginia
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 25 below!
Oh, how I love Virginia
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Virginia
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Music Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school any more.
Following are actual answers from students on music tests...
* The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called
pre-Madonna.
* Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
* Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
* All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex-actly
what
they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
* Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze
Lullaby,
the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter
Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
* Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if
they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
* A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
* Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
* Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the
Hatfields and the McCoys.
* I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
* Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com- positions
and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic.
* Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano
concerti. ---
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/On Judgment Day
http://silverandgoldandthee.com/Insp/OnJudgementDay.html
Come Walk With Me Via Samantha
http://community-2.webtv.net/Joseafus3/htmlh1Comewalkwithme/
Carolyn with/Indian Love Story
http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/Misc/IndianLoveStory.html
Greetings
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/greetings.html
I Believe
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/believe.html
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Hello,
We wanted to inform you today that you can now download a program
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Surfin Surfari
Mobile Spike Via Paul
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King James Large Print Bible Via Samantha
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The Autism Movie Via Carol
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The City That Time Forgot!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/city.html
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Hi,
We would like to show you why you may be "fat" and why you're unable
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Internet Explorer Saves Files As Bitmaps
http://support.microsoft.com:80/kb/810978
Web Interface Design
http://www.edtech.vt.edu/edtech/id/interface/
Traditional Irish Tunes in Midi Format Via Samantha
http://www.contemplator.com/tunebook/ireland.htm
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We would like to know if you would be interested in working from
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Animal World
Bucky & The Beagle
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Kitty Korner
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Movie Links
Drunk trust
http://www.buffaloschips.com/83103.htm
How to drive a hummer in Iraq
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How to peel a banana
http://www.buffaloschips.com/83105.htm
How to think like a woman
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How to wash your cat
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Movie
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Mozart
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Neumaticob
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Nextel Dance Party
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No Fear
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Virgin Chips
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It happened on the corner of Broadway and 47th Street. The girl
leaned against the building, running her fingers through her bleached
hair and smiling more than-casually at the male passers-by. She wore
a plaid skirt and a low-cut V-neck sweater. Finally, one of her come
hither looks paid off and a young man approached her with a familiar
glint in his eye. "Hi," he said, undressing he mentally. "Hello,
handsome." His eyes focused on her sweater and the curves it almost
covered. "What's the V for?" he asked. "Veronica?" "Uh-uh. Virgin."
"Oh, come on," he said playfully. "You're virgin?"
"No," she winked. "It's an old sweater."
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Toon Chips
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Close To Home
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College
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Pooch
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charm toon
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charmin
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cheap
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young lady from Cheam
Who tried out a breast-growing cream.
She awoke in the night
With a terrible fright--
Another had grown in between!
All Hail to the glandular girlie...
The sight of whose bust makes you squirrely.
It is never too late
to manipulate
And, of course, it is never too early!
There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
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Parting Chips
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A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge
success and as he drops her at her door he says,
"I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful,
you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May
I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when
she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the
encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well
suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up
against a garden wall'."
Randy
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1992 The Thing is.
BJ wakes up and needs to go to the bathroom.
Then he realizes his predictment.
On this left side as close as can be is Sandi pressing against him.
On his right side pressing against him is Katie.
Laying on top of him is Mark, the largest cat in the herd.
BJ has no room to move even if he wanted to.
BJ: I think all this weight, and pressure has made me want to go to the
bathroom.
Hey can somebody move? In response is just the sounds of chainsaws.
zzzzzzzz
BJ raises his voice: FIRE!!! ZZZZZZZZ
BJ to himself: I have it, if this doesn't work.
BJ: Hot fresh Pizza!!!
Katie: Where? Sandi: Save me some, I am on the way?
Mark. Zoom!
The herd
?
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Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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