Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
From The Archives
A Navy tall tale from Kansas Farmer
Standing Rat Watch
by Dennis Hammer, CR Division 1968-70
A new man reported on board just fresh out of boot camp to one of
the deck divisions. I was told it was First Division.
A First Class Boatswain's Mate put him on rat guard watch. He had
him on the Quarterdeck standing at parade rest with a 2X4 when
Captain Fischer came on board. The sailor on rat guard watch came to
attention or port arms with the 2X4.
Captain Fischer walked over to him and asked, "What are you doing
sailor?"
"I am standing a rat guard watch , sir" came the reply.
"Well, what are your duties on the rat guard watch?" Captain Fischer
inquired.
"If any rats attempt to come up the forward brow I am to pursue and
try to kill them, sir."
"Who put you on this watch?" the captain asked.
"A First Class Boatswain Mate in my division" he replied.
Then Captain Fischer said, "I want you to go down and tell the
boatswain I want to see him."
"I can't leave my post until properly relieved, sir."
Captain Fischer took the 2X4 from him and said, "You are properly
relieved, now go get him."
A short time later the boatswain arrived on the Quarterdeck and
finds Captain Fischer with the 2X4 standing at parade rest. The
captain then comes to port arms, and hands the 2X4 to the boatswain
and says, "You have the next watch!"
Enjoy the chips...buffalo
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Q and A Chips
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Did you hear condoms are now being sold with a free calling card? ~
The attached instructions say, "If you can't come, call."
What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
~ Wake her up first!
Did you hear about the house that was built by lesbians?
~ There were no studs it was all tongue in groove.
What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
~ Two gays with hemorrhoids.
Why is death a lot like sex?
~ It feels funny for a second, but then it's over.
Why do women like wearing black panties?
~ It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those
who were buried here."
What is a Peter Pan?
~ A wash basin in a whorehouse.
What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
~ You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
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A fellow walked into a bar and ordered a triple shot of scotch straight.
The bar tender asked, "Is something bothering you?" "Well, I got home
early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed
with each other!" "Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it
down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?" "I
told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!" "Good for you! You said
the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?" "Well, I
walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Bad Dog!"
The new paint called "Blonde" is not very bright, but it spreads easy.
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she
has picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early today and she
was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my buddy, Dave, came
out of the closet, stark naked. Poor bastard must have wondered what the
hell was going on.
The church is now forming a Little Mothers Club. All women desiring to
become Little Mothers are asked to meet with the pastor in his study
after services.
Stan Kegel
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Loan Chips
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Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be
challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially
hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching
back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through
generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to
establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the
FHA on behalf of a client:
You have to love this lawyer........
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told
the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a
parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the
property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to
track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received
the following reply.
(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of
Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have
prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you
have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to
1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to
clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I
note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years
covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly
those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of
origin identified in our application. For the edification of
uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.
Ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right
of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain
by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking
a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful
about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance
Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is
the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is
commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is
safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called
Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His
origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we
know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be
satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was immediately approved
Harveythefrogprince
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What Chips
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One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for
suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I`ll tell you what,"
said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a
dollars worth of what`s what."
Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town.
Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what`s what.
He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the
pharmacist`s desk, held up the dollar and said, "I`d like a dollar`s
worth of what`s what, please."
The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose
chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the
red light on the front porch, they can get you some what`s what."
Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall,
stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her "bush" was
right in little Tommy`s face. Pointing to it he said, "what`s
that?"
"What`s what?" the prostitute replied. Tommy then replied, "Good,
I`ll take a dollar`s worth."
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Heaven Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of
heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person
come." He said "Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person.
"State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said.
"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in
need, and serving the Lord."
"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven."
And off the nun went.
"Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life."
"I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I
told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."
"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go
now."
he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"
"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man
every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different
man every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said a
beautiful Girl.
"Here is a key made of Copper." he said.
"Is that the key to Hell?!"
"No, this is the key, for my apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Grandparents
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My Son
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Marlene/How Beautiful Heaven Must Be
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Carol w/You Are
http://www.carolspoetry.com/carol33.html
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Surfin Surfari
Unemployment Map Via Carol
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Dailyfinance
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Neighborhoodscout
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Willis (Sears) Tower!
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
Super Puppies!
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Kitty Korner
Taking a Catnap 2
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Hello,
We wanted to inform you today that you can now download a program
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the world right on your PC!
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Movie Links
Swan
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Texas Shoot Out
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Things Men Will Do For A Cold Beer
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What It Feels Like Owning Stock In 2008
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Workout Bra
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Parent VS Kids
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Parking 2
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Parking3
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Peeling
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Pig Chips
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A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard,
he had determined to take them to the county fair and
sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who
owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided
to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another
and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field
in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer
with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs
into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle
they had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other
farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning,
then
they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he
hosed them off, loaded them again into the family
station wagon and proceeded to try again. The
following morning, MUD again!!!
This continued all week until one morning the farmer was
so tired that he couldn't get out bed. He called to his
wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs
are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," reported his wife. "They're in the station wagon
and one of them is honking the horn."
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Toon Chips
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ceremony
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Limerick Chips
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In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
I was both proud and shy
As he opened his fly
When I saw it I thought I would die.
______________________________
A lubricious young woman named Gwen
Had never learned how to say "when!"
So she did it again
And again and again
And again and again and again.
______________________________
Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold
And given to me
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."
"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way,
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The teacher says; Ok class, I'd like you to tell me what you really
need
at home.**
Suzie answers; We really need a new computer. *
*The teacher says; Yes, that would be useful.**
Wendy says; We really need a new car. *
*The teacher says; Yes, that would be useful too.**
Lil' Johnny answers; We don't need nothin ! *
*The teacher says; Oh, come on! Everybody needs something.*
*Lil' Johnny says; Nope. My Sister came home with a Muslim yesterday **
and my Dad said. 'Well, that's all we fucking need!'*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1809
Katie Chats With Father
Katie: Can we visit father, just you and I?
BJ: Of course Katie what is on your mind?
Katie: Look at me... I am a wreck.
BJ: I do not understand.
Katie: I am starting to get old. My hair is turning white. I do
not have
the same energy that I used to. I don't like getting old father.
BJ grinning: None of us like getting old Katie. You are still the
most
active doggie of the lot including Val, the puppy. You run circles
around
them all.
Katie perking up: I do?
BJ: Of course you do. You are still Katie, the ornery one. Yes,
you
are slowing down, so am I, so is Diana, Sandi, Rudy. We are going
to
Kansas for our retirement home. It will be fun to sit in front of
the
fireplace in winter time. We can gracefully grow old together.
Katie: I do not want to grow old.
BJ: There is dying.
Katie: Okay, I can grow old...
BJ: Think about me being home more, playing with you guys, going
for
walks and such.
Katie gets closer and wipes a tear from her eye: Live long father,
live
long.
BJ: Nothing is promised to us but today.
The herd in Guthrie
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Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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