Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
A few weeks ago I called the Coast to Coast radio show and
told George Noory my Constellation Ghost story that I have
mentioned in here before and also mentioned the fact that she
had been decommissioned and was being considered for sinking
as a natural reef. I also mentioned the hundreds of people that
had died since the keel was laid and was wondering if the spirits
of those still wandering the decks would be set free. This morning
I came across a story from a couple of years ago and I am sharing
it with you.
Just like the internet, aircraft carriers have their own
Urban Legends with some basis in truth but after years
of being passed around they lose most of the truth. One
such legend was that one of the carriers while under construction
had a major fire, in the version I heard in one of the pump
rooms and because of the damage they had switched hull numbers
between the Kitty Hawk and the Constellation so that CVA-63
could be commissioned on time. To reinforce this story there
were tank covers in the space below where I worked that had
Kitty Hawk numbers on them. I told that story a while back
and several people who were from that era pointed me at the
website that had the true story. Here is that story.
The construction of the carrier was nearly 90% completed and
in the hangar bay there was a tank with 502 gallons of fuel
inside. A forklift collided with that tank and the fuel ran
out and flew into a lower deck where some workers were welding.
A fire started and the flames quickly grew up because of all
the wooden materials stored in the hangar bay and on the flight
deck. Moments later a huge flame and a dark cloud of smoke
could be seen above the carrier.
An example for the density of the smoke was that a standard
breathing apparatus can be used for approx. 45 minutes, but
aboard the CONSTELLATION they could only be used for 20
minutes. Almost the whole hangar bay was burning. The efforts
to extinguish the fire using the existing fire-fighting
equipment were not successful and so the Brooklyn fire
department was called for assistance.
The fire was mainly extinguished with water and 15.000 tons
of this water got into the carrier.
At the time of the accident, a total of 4200 people worked
aboard the carrier and so the fire department had not only
to extinguish the fire but also to rescue the people.
All in all it took twelve hours to extinguish the fire. 50
people were killed and hundreds were injured and the ship
was heavily damaged.
The carrier was scheduled to be commissioned in early 1961
but because of the fire and the resulting damage, the
commissioning ceremony had to be postponed to October 27, 1961.
I didn't feel bad though because when the Navy announced the
plans to decommission the Constellation, there in a reporter's
story was the tale of the switched hull numbers as I had told
it so many times.
I guess deep down inside we all want to hear a little twist to
the stories we are being told. Here's a little trivia for you
though. The Kitty Hawk, Constellation, and Enterprise were
all commissioned in 1961 within a 6 month period. Even when
we are not at war our great ship builders can turn out ships
that last 40 plus years.
Take care and enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Cork Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they
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The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and
the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist
pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
BBBAAANNNGGG!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the
second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away)
was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1
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away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.
You should have seen that monkey trying to put that cork back in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was in the Navy, women were assigned to the WAVES. When we
finally got leave after three months, our Captain told the WAVE
Captain
she'd better keep her girls under lock and key. The WAVE Captain,
tapping her temple, replied. "Don't worry. My girls have it up here !"
Our Captain said, "It doesn't matter where they have it. Once those
throttle jocks start looking, they'll find it."
~~~~
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning
and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got
no
response. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the
final
check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old
are you?" No response. The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old
you are?" Immediately four tiny fingers went up. "Oh," replied the
dentist, "and do you know how old that is?" Four little fingers went
up
once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist
asked,
. . . "Can you talk?" The solemn little patient looked at him and
asked,
"Can you count, asshole?!"
~~~
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
and grabbed her ass,
Now his two front teeth are missing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Lexus Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle. Two days later, she
took it back to the dealer, complaining that the radio was not
working.
"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is
completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to
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amazed and a little confused.
She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded,
"Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the
sounds of "On the road again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted
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it.
Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled
out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small
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missed a terrible collision. "Asshole", she muttered. And, from the
radio.......
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States...."
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why did the professional psychic file for disability?
A. Her third eye had glaucoma.
Q. What should you do if a elephant comes in your window?
A. Learn to swim.
Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A. When her favourite sexual position is next door.
~~~~~
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the
best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-
appointed
suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the
man
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The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she
asks him for three hundred dollars.
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dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want
me
to pay you three hundred? Why?"
The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."
`~~~~~~~
Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream
louder
in bed.
The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened
to the girl moan for a bit.
The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.
When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an
hour later the girl came out moaning.
The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and
wet replied "I simply used my head".
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Golf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will
not
be in that day, hires another caddy. The day goes along pretty well
and
the new caddy seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th
fairway, that has always been particularly tricky for the golfer, the
man
turns to the boy and asks, "Which club do you think I should use for
this
shot?"
The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club
for this fairway is the five iron."
The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the
ball.
He smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his
wife
happens to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed
instantly.
Months go by after his wife's funeral, and the man still can't think
about golf. But after a year, he thinks, "I really loved the game. I
shouldn't let it go out of my life. It was a freak accident. The game
gave me such joy, I should at least try to play once more and see how
it
feels."
He goes back to the golf course, and as luck would have it, he gets
the
same caddy as last time. When they get to the 9th fairway, he turns to
his caddy and says, "Which club do you think I should use?"
The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club
for this fairway is the five iron."
The man turns to the caddy and shouts, "You idiot! I played here a
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green!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Alaska Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says,
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Lena says, "No, I didn't, Gee, you¹re smart".
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are
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Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart.
Ole says, "and Lena did you know there is over
2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?"
"No", says Lena, "how did you get so smart?"
Sort of wondering how this conversation came
about in the middle of their sex play.
Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out
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"Yes, I remember", says Lena.
Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the
National Geographic stuck to your ass."
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Doggie Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his son are walkin' down the street,
when they see a big dog doin'the dirty with a
small poodle.
The son asks the father, "Daddy, what are they
doing???".
The man stumbles for a while, then calmly says,
"Why, they're making a puppy, son."
Later that evening during dinner, the wife is
pressuring the man to go 'upstairs' with her..
so they do.
The son goes in his room and tries to fall
asleep, but there just is too much noise going
on in the room next door. So he creeps out of
bed, goes in the hallway and opens the other
room. There he sees his mom laying on the bed
on her back, totally naked, and his father
above her, hands on her thighs, etc. etc.
So the son asks, "Daddy, what are you doin'?".
Again, the man stumbles a little and says,
"Why, we're makin' you a little brother or
sister, son."
So the boy goes, "Well, turn her over. I want
a puppy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Brokeback Mountain Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1963
WEEK ONE
* Beans
* Bacon
* Coffee
* Whiskey
WEEK TWO
* Beans
* Ham
* Coffee
* Whiskey
WEEK THREE
* Beans al fresca
* Thin-sliced Bacon
* Hazelnut Coffee
* Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
* K-Y gel
WEEK FOUR
* Beans en salade
* Pancetta
* Coffee (espresso grind)
* 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
* 2 tubes K-Y gel
WEEK FIVE
* Fresh Fava beans
* Jasmine rice
* Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
* Medallions of veal
* Porcini mushrooms
* 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
* 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
* 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
* 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide
WEEK SIX
* Yukon Gold potatoes
* Heavy whipping cream
* Asparagus (very thin)
* Organic Eggs
* Spanish Lemons
* Gruyere cheese (well aged)
* Crushed Walnuts
* Arugula
* Clarified Butter
* Extra Virgin Olive oil
* Pure Balsamic vinegar
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* 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
* Large tin Crisco
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tick Warning
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I've even done it
myself a couple of times unintentionally… but this one is real and
it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your E-
mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for
ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off
and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was his wedding night and the minister finished
undressing in the bathroom and walked into the
bedroom.
He was surprised to see that his bride had already
slipped between the bed sheets.
"My dear," he said, "I thought I would find you on your
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She said, "Well, honey, I can do it that way too, but
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Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 997
Custer's Battlefield
Sandi: So tell me was Custer a good guy or a bad guy?
BJ: Depends...I think he was a stubborn guy who did not listen
to his scouts a person who was interested in glory.
He would have done well in some scenarios but not in an Indian
campaign.
Sandi: The natives were restless after having been lied to and
treated poorly for a great many years.
BJ: Yes, but the main problem for Indians was they fought a
battle not a war. The white would wage a war, if they lost a
battle, no big deal, it was the war that was important.
Rudy: Oh it was like Napolean invading Russia. He won every
battle but lost the war.
BJ: You are a fast learner.
Diana: So who won the battle of Little Big Horn?
BJ: The whites did because it brought focus upon the Indians.
Whereas the Indians won the battle, the revenge against them
was overwhelming and soon they were defeated. This was their
last stand.
Sandi: Who was right?
BJ: Who is ever right? We broke the peace treaty......
killed we took revenge...a cycle that kept on going until one side ran
out of soldiers.
Rudy: You bi-peds are a strange lot. We just play, eat, sleep and
have
fun. You guys kill, steal and are just plain mean.
Diana and BJ look at each other and shuffle their feet: Well we try
to get better.
The Herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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