[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For Fri



Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

Seems the last thing we did last summer was replace a cracked sliding
storm window in my bedroom and in the process we had to remove the
screen. Well with temperatures in the 80's I just opened the window up
and let the air in. Mosquitoes are light at the moment and my bedroom
window is at least an 8 foot drop to the ground so I wasn't worried
about anyone entering that way. Then yesterday said she was having
trouble keeping Dini the black cat in the house. It would claw at her
window to come in and after she let it in it would be back an hour
later.
I told her it wasn't going through my window because the drop was too
great. Well last night I was in bed giving Woogie some treats and I
felt
something jump up on the bed and onto the window sill. In the
moonlight I
saw Dini and in a second she dived to the ground. Well this morning I
decided to put the screen in and also the box fan I use for cooling
during
the summer ( Yooper Air Conditioning ). I wrestled the mattress
around
so I could get the cord for the fan under the bed and then came out
and
finished today's mail . This evening I went in to watch the Tigers
get
slaughtered and I couldn't find the remote. I pulled the bed out
several
times,
looked through shelves and drawers, checked clothes on floor ( It was
only
a few days worth) checked the comforter and pillows twice and then got
Buffy to search the same area and still nothing. Sandy saw me carrying
laundry out and offered to change the bedding and when she did I
picked up
the mattress to flip it and there in between the mattress and the box
spring
was the missing remote. They must be affected by the same force that
hides
socks in places we never look. Anyhow while I was on the phone with
my mom discussing the missing remote she suggested hanging the remote
from the headboard in a pair of worn out panty hose. I suppose you
would only use one leg unless you also have a vcr, etc. heh heh.

Enjoy the chips.... buffalo

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Stupid Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are VERY entertaining and true, which makes them all the
funnier.....

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID. These people prove it is a terminal condition.
As always, competition this year has been keen. The winners this
year are:

Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on
his daily run.

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole
for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at
the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him
out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy
equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital.

Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the
ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when
the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free
rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet
with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked
at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent
on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed
officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from
a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and
several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was
pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene
investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored
just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of
dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently
they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a
local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more
heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at
4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable
lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the
other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his
constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves..."Shit
happens!"

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Short Chips
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I called UPS about an insurance claim I had filed on a package. I
knew the automated voice response system wouldn't be able to handle
this issue so I immediately said, "customer service."

It did a little beep-boop-bop computing noise, and then insisted that
I first pick from its menu, none of which items bore any resemblance
to insurance claims. I tried "track a package." It recited the
status, followed by "Can I help you with anything else?" I said, more
insistently, "customer service," at which it complained that that was
the most recent shipping information. Exasperated--but a bit
curious--I said, "Damn you," and after the little computing noise, it
swiftly transferred me to customer service.

A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting at home one night and became
bored.

"Hey, let's play a game" she said.

"What game?" was his bored reply.

"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."

"What if I can't find you?"

"I'll be behind the piano."

Mary: Did you hear that Linda got a great new job?

Jill: Really? I wish I could do that. I'd like a change for the
better.

Mary Well, you can always do what she did.

Jill: What's that?

Mary: Don't wear panties to the interview.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Canadian Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit
to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and
enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be
seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"
and
walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking
man has asked for something so outrageous that her
two girls will have nothing to do with him. She
decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola,
will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely
anything would surprise her. So the madam sends
her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle
a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers
in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and
smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen
nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.
She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long
time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a
man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out
what this man wants that has made her girls so angry.
Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a
lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says tat she's the best in
the house and is available. She sits and talks with him.
They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I
pay in Canadian currency?"

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Quiz Chips
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Q). What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs,
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A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs, or
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Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in
common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck
and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your
paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann
and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just
had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in
common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber
breaks, you're screwed.

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License Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man went to one of those official government buildings to get a
driver's license. After waiting in lines all day, he became rather
peeved when he finally got to a clerk.

"I need a F***in' license," the man mumbled.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," the clerk said, "did you say you
needed
a hunting license?"

"No," said the man, "I just need an ordinary F***ing license."

"Oh," said the clerk, "you mean you need a license to F***."

The man was astonished for a moment, and finally asked "Is there
really
such a thing?"

"Of course there is," said the clerk, "It used to be called a marriage
license, but the politically-correct term now is 'a license to F***.'"

The man was quite surprised to hear this, and forgetting his odyssey
in
search of a driver's license, he decided that he would never believe
that there was such a thing as a license to F***, unless he saw it for
himself.

"Well, yes, that's what I want," he told the clerk, "I want to get a
license to F***. Where do I go to get it?"

"Go down this corridor and into the second room on the right," said
the
clerk.

So the man followed the instructions and went into a large room with
many people, most of whom were police officers, waiting in a long
line.
For a while he unsuccessfully looked around for a sign that would
satisfy his curiosity about the license to F***, and he began to think
that the clerk was joking, but then he realized how absurd that
thought
was. He knew he could never be satisfied unless he found out whether
there really was such a license, so he timidly approached a rather
pleasant-looking police officer at the end of the line, and asked,
"Excuse me, sir, but is this the line for the license to F***?"

"No," said the officer, "that line is over there. This here is the
line
for the license to kill."

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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?

A. The kid stutters.

Two rabbis, one Reformed and the other Orthodox, were discussing
their respective congregations one day.

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The man behind the counter said,

No, ma'am, what's his *waist* size?'"

Q. Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose situation?

A. He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill asks Doug to go with him for a drink.

Doug replies, "Sorry Bill, I have to go to the drugstore to pick up a
'patch' subscription for my wife. She's quitting smoking today."

"Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bill said.

"Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Doug. "I told her to let
me know any time she has an urge to put something in her mouth to
suck on."

A sailor on leave was paying his bill at a fashionable hotel.
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"Well," said the sailor, "everything is so high around here I thought
it might be your garter."

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the
matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news
bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Toon Chips
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Castro Chips
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Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him
that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in
heaven. Fidel must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells
him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his
luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll
send
a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

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St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally
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the
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey Buff,
I just heard today that Dale Jr. wants to drive for Michael Waltrip's
team next year so he can have every Sunday off.

John

Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My
grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him???"

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will
get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa
couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."

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Bonus Chip
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Recent research shows that there are seven types of sex:

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usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for tooooo long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun
in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand
your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of
everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on !!!!!

Randy

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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 992

How Much is That Doggie in the Window?

Ginger: Here doggie doggie doggie. Here doggie doggie doggie.

Rudy: Ah, Ginger, that ain't no doggie.

Ginger: Is isn't a dog?

Rudy: No, it is not a dog.

Sandi: Step back towards us very slowly Ginger.

Ginger: Yes mother. What is it then?

Sandi: It is a grizzley bear.

Ginger: Are they a problem?

Katie: Ack! A bear!! Run for your life!!
Flee! Zoom!

Ginger: I understand now. Zoom!

Sandi... Lope lope lope

Rudy....Zoom!

Bear: ROAR!!!

back at the camp:

Tami: Sigh this is such a beautiful day!

Rob: I am glad to see you snap out of it Tami.

Tami: Yes, I was getting a bit excessive with my
behavior. I am okay now. What could go wrong?

Zoom!

Rob: There goes Katie.

Zoom!

Tami: There goes Rudy.

Zoom!

Rob: There goes Sandi.

Lope, Lope Lope!

Tami: There goes Ginger.

ROAR!!!!

Tami: Ack! Here comes a grizzly bear!

Rob: Did you bring a rifle?

Tami: I have one that Katie gave me.

Tami aims and pulls the trigger and a little flag
comes out the end of the barrel that says... BANG!

Rob: That will do no good, run for the RV.

Tami: The doors locked...Bang bang bang!

Katie: Who is it?

Tami: It is me Tami!!

Katie: I need photo ID, drivers license, birth certificate....

Rob: Let me in Katie!

Katie: Oh sure Rob, come on in.

Rob gets right in and the door gets slammed.

Bang bang bang!

Tami: Let me in!

Katie: ID please!

To be continued

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adult Adult Adult

Remember 9/11/01

Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list

In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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