[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips for Sat



Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

Somebody can correct me if I am wrong, but at one time I am sure
California had a stiff law against driving on a suspended license.
The
way it worked was if you were caught you immediately went to jail
for three days, after which you could be bailed out and they decided
what your actual fine or time would be. This type of law is necessary
in every state to help get drivers off the road that are repeat
offenders
of DWI, reckless driving, vehicular manslaughter, etc. When there is
very little threat of punishment these derelicts are out there making
our
streets more dangerous and destroying lives. It is true that Paris
Hilton
did get more than is the usual sentence as far California goes but she
got what she deserved and more important what the motoring public
deserves. I am sure we haven't heard the last of the debate on
whether
she was mistreated or not but it is just possible that we will never
see
Paris arrested again on the same charge, with her money she can afford
to have a limo take her to 7-11 for a Slurpee.

Tom P. sent the following new drink recipe to commemorate Paris,
reincarceration, but if you decide to try it please don't drive or you
may too become a guest of your local county hotel, the same as Paris.

From: "Tom P"

Paris Hilton headlined "Screaming" on her way back to jail
Something New from Towhead's Sand Bar:

The Screaming Paris

The latest drink making a scene!

Highball Glass half with ice.

1 oz Lemon Vodka
1 oz Chambord
1 oz Sloe Gin
Top with Orange Juice
Splash of Grenadine
2 dashes of Tabasco
Lime to garnish and suck.

Drink. Scream!

Enjoy the chips... buffalo

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Driving Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for
every C. Tally up the points and consult the list at bottom of page.

1: Which part of your car wears out most often?
a: the wiper blades
b: the belts
c: the horn

2: Automatic door locks are good for...
a: security
b: convenience
c: messing with the heads of people trying to get in

3: I hate the rain because...
a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions
b: I answered (a) to question #1
c: I just washed my car

4: Please select the statement that best describes you.
a: I have never written in the dust on someone's car
b: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car
c: I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone's car

5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for...
a: dark, poorly lit roads
b: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c: revenge!

6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to...
a: get it loud enough to drown out road noise
b: get it head banging loud for my Metallica CD
c: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet

7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last
year?
a: zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver
b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks
c: before or after they took my license away?

8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving?
a: "go ahead"
b: "thank you"
c: "@#!*&%^!"

9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should...
a: be aware of them
b: speed up and get past them
c: open the door

10: Your rear view mirror is for...
a: watching for approaching cars
b: watching for approaching police cars
c: checking your hair

11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you
should...
a: pull off to the side of the road and rest
b: stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or
Mountain Dew
c: drive faster

12: The Highway Patrol exists to...
a: ensure the safety of all motorists
b: issue as many tickets as possible
c: keep donut shops in business

13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change...
a: 50 feet prior
b: 25 feet prior
c: right after you do it

14: If I had a lot of money, I'd spend it on...
a: a minivan
b: a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler
c: bail

15: The best thing about a chauffeured limousine is...
a: I don't have to drive
b: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink
c: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at people.

Scoring The Quiz:

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for
every C. Tally up the points and consult the list below.

15-24 Points
You're a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and
observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And
since you drive so safely and so politely, you'll live a long time.
Longenough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of
those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit
in
the fast lane and pissing all the rest of us off.

25-35 Points
Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You get
where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're the
type of person we all like to ride with... Well, all of us except your
mother, because "you're going too fast! Watch out for that car in
front
of you! You're going to kill us all!"

36-45 Points
Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive
defensively? You're the reason.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Promotion Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The
problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available. The
colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This
is a
promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected
in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"

The first 2nd Looey thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir, I
would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging..."

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order,
making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study
and..."

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate. Without
hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First
Sergeant,
and say, 'Top, I want a fucking flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Suzy Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my
momma
get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty." T

he teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get
pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had
nothing
to worry about."

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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little
dribbling as possible." - Leslie Nielsen

My wife and I are watching "Who wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a FRIEND..."

When one woman asked him how she could get her husband's attention
away from the TV set, he said, "Wear something sheer."

"What if that doesn't work?" she asked.

"Then put a number on your back." Sahl replied.

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot!!"
she wailed.

"How do you know he was an Idiot?" the detective asked.

"I had to help him!" the girl replied.

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Date Chips
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At the time he was a blind date. We went out with some friends of
ours ho hooked us up together. We were in a bar and the place was
packed. I wasn't to thrilled about him and I was pretty cocky. He
spent the whole time talking about work and I was tired of it. I
asked him if he wanted to see my Tweety bird tattoo. My girlfriend
said "Oh yeah show him your tattoo! He'll love it." He said okay and
I said it's on my butt! The whole place got quiet! I started to pull
down my pants and asked if he saw it.

He said, "no."

So I pulled them down a bit more. "Do you see it?"

"No"

So I pulled them down farther. (By then I had a whole room full of an
audience. They were all gathered around). He gets down off his stool
and looks really close at my butt and I ask if he sees it. By this
time he is getting a bit embarrassed and says again. "no."

So I say "Dammit, my pussy must have ate it!"

He was so red! The whole place was laughing! We have now been married
6 years with 2 kids and to this day he still buys me Tweety birds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Hot Tub Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hot Tub Etiquette for Men

1. It's alright to have an erection in a hot tub, but don't float to
the surface yelling "Up Periscope"!

2. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing; it is NOT okay to
pass gas.

3. Feel encouraged to whisper words of admiration to the well-
endowed blonde soaking next to you, but don't point and exclaim in a
loud voice "Hey baby, nice set of Bazookas!"

4. Drink wine or other alcoholic beverages in moderation while hot
tubing. DON'T get drunk and suddenly submerge after screaming "Beaver
Attack!"

5. A little underwater groping is OK... Groping yourself is not!

Hot Tub Etiquette for Women

1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then
scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes Baby!"

2. Washing your partner's back is sexy; washing your panty hose is
NOT!

3. Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience,
but don't spoil things by making snide remarks like, "I've seen
bigger wangs on a hamster!"

4. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing; it's NOT okay to
pass gas.

5. Don't think your fooling anybody by trying to pass off your
vibrator as a toy submarine.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lawyer Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With stuff like this in circulation, it's no wonder that only 99% of
lawyers give the rest a bad name.

------------------------------------

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung
around
and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit
harder
than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody
pulled
a knif e and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up
with a
rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with
yelling
and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's
motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything
to say
in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address
the
court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Toon Chips
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a young girl from Uganda,
Renowned for her coolness and candor.
When, during abuse,
Someone said, "You goose!"
She quickly retorted, "Uganda!"
__________________________________

An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
He remarked, with a smile,
"Hoorah! A sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."
_________________________________

A widow who lived in Rangoon
Hung a rather large wreath on her womb;
"It reminds me," she said
"Of my husband who's dead,
And how he got into his tomb."

Ross

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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some of my drinking buddies and I decided to check out a new comedy
club here in Memphis one weekend, we got there and they gave us table
right up front. About the 2nd or 3rd comedian was of, shall we say,
the northern persuasion. He went on and on about things down here in
the south, especially how we punctuate every statement with "f**king
A".

Well, one of the more redneck of my buddies decided to goad him a
little and started say "f**king A" then B, C, D, etc. after each
punch line.

When he reached about "f**king J", the comedian turned on him and
asked, "What are you doing going through the whole goddamned
alphabet?"

That's when I spoke and said in my most southern accent, "NO, he is
just working his way up to "f**king U!"

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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jill was telling Mary about her first junket to
Atlantic City and how hard it was to get any sleep.

"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by
a drunken blackjack dealer banging on the door and
screaming," she recalled.

"That's terrible," Mary said." How'd you ever get any
sleep?"

"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let
him out," Jill laughed.


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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 998

Rifle Falls

Katie: Cool falls father!

Rudy: Too bad we lost Tami and Rob along the way.

Katie: I think they tried to lose for us for some reason.

BJ: Nah, they think the world of us.

Sandi: I can always find them.

Diana: How?

Sandi: I put a GPS locator tracking device on their RV.

Katie: Smart sis.

BJ: Where is Ginger?

Rudy: Look at the top of the falls!

Ginger: Banzai!

Sandi: I can't look!

Rudy/Sandi: Daughter!

BJ: Talk about a chip off of the old block. I just hope
we do not visit Niagra Falls!

The Herd in Guthrie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adult Adult Adult

Remember 9/11/01

Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list

In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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