Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Gas here in Michigan is hovering at 3.50 a gallon and there
may be an increase in the of drive-aways but nothing along
the line of this.
SALT LAKE CITY - A woman was held up during a fill-up. The woman was
pumping gasoline Sunday morning when a man stuck something in her
back, told her it was a gun and ordered her to start filling up his
sport utility vehicle instead of her own car, said Salt Lake City
police Detective Jared Wihongi.
"This is definitely not common," Wihongi said Monday.
The woman put $15 worth in the other vehicle's tank before her debit
card reached its limit.
Wihongi said surveillance video at the station showed two men in a
large, white sport utility vehicle with Wyoming license plates. They
could face aggravated robbery charges.
The woman was so shaken up by the incident she didn't call police
until about three hours later.
However only in Michigan can you be convicted of stealing Wi-Fi. A
man sitting
outside of a coffee shop, but not a customer used the coffee shops Wi-
fi signal
with his laptop. He was arrested and convicted under Michigan's
Hacking Laws
which makes the unauthorized use of an unprotected network illegal.
Pretty cold
sending someone to jail for reading his email on your net I guess you
do what you
gotta do.
and last you probably have heard about checking your toothpaste to
see if
it is made in China and discarding it if it is. This is not the first
episode of
imported products containing antifreeze. During the 80's wines
imported
from Germany were found to have had ethylene glycol added to improve
the sweetness of the wine after a bad grape crop.
FDA Bans Toothpastes Made in China
U.S. health officials are advising consumers not to use toothpaste
made in China because it may be contaminated with a poisonous
chemical used in antifreeze and as a solvent.
"The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has placed an import ban
on all toothpaste from China," Deborah M. Autor, director of the
FDA's Office of Compliance, Center for Drug Evaluation and Research.
"The companies will have to prove that their products don't contain
harmful levels of DEG (diethylene glycol) before it is allowed into
the United States," she added.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sex Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and
replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500
for medium, $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a
medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the
phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the
room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of
you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather
remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As
Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Tile Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on
the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards,
she somehow slipped sideways and did the splits and suctioned herself
to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've
bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast
girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba." (his mate)
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"Let's try Plan B." said Cobba.
"Plan B?!" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her," replied Cobba.
"Spot on." Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and
play with her tits."
"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time
for that mate."
"No," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Birthday Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old gentleman was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to
his toes. "Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are
82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park
in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance
floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you`re 82
today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the
parade?
Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive
today, you'd be 82 years old!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Catholic Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Know You're An Old Catholic If:
You still think the secret problem of priests
is alcoholism.
You remember when Nuns wore habits.
You think "No meat on Fridays" has nothing
to do with oral sex.
You remember the days of alter boys instead
of altered boys.
You think "Mother Superior" is more than a
term of hooker endearment.
You think the primacy of Peter had nothing
to do Lorena Bobbit.
You answer "yes" to both: "Does a bear eat
in the woods?," and "Is the Pope Italian?"
You remember the days when confessions
did not start out with: "You have the right to
remain silent."
You remember when a red sash around a
priest's waist did not mean he was gay.
You think a man dressed in black was not
a member of the SWAT team.
You remember when kneelers were in
church, not in the Oval Office.
You remember when Cardinals were
birds of pray, not prey.
You remember when Holy Water was
not from golden showers.
You remember the days before Bingo
was made a sacrament.
You remember when "Love one another"
did not mean "Orgy Time!"
You remember when Amazing Grace was
not the name of every tenth stripper.
You remember when "Father" was a
religious title, not the results of a court-ordered
DNA test.
You remember when "Mother" was also a
religious title, not the first name of really bad
people .
You remember when I could get out of this
joke by saying three "Hail Mary's."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady come home and caught her husband in the act of cheating on
her. The rural housewife went back to the back of the house and
returned with the family's .22 caliber rifle.
Aiming the weapon at her husband's balls she said, "I'm gonna turn a
bull into a steer, Jon!"
"No no!" pleaded Jon. "Not like this! C'mon, Judi, give me a sporting
chance, darlin'!"
"All right. I will. You can set 'em to swinging . . . "
The mother of a teenage boy was asked by his headmaster to call in at
his office to discuss a serious matter. When she arrived, the
headmaster said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your son came to
school yesterday wearing a print dress, high-heeled court shoes and
lipstick!"
"Damn it!" said the boy's mother, "I've told him a hundred times no
to wear his father's clothes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Quicky Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are
demanding to make less money!
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are
the other 364 days of the year." - Mark Twain
Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's
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*YOU* to fuck off!
Q: How do you recognize a gay Pakistani?
A: He has a red dot on the back of the head.
Q. If a movie with lesbians is named 'Fire', what would a movie with
gay's be named. A. Backfire
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
Ending a relationship is just like adjusting your underwear: You feel
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Q: Why do blondes cut the strings off their tampons?
A: So the crabs don't start bungee jumping.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets
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"Why does a woman work ten years to change
a man's habits and then complain that he's not
the man she married?"
---Barbara Streisand
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not at
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I sometimes get balls caught in my throat. My box smells. I can have
a little pussy. What am I?
A Cat
"Turkey has voted not to allow U.S. troops into their country and
Saddam Hussein said 'You can do that?'" -Jay Leno
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
I never set out to be weird. It was always the other peoplewho called
me weird.; --Frank Zappa
Amy
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LynnLynn's Links
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Subscribers and Friends
SUCH BEAUTIFUL ROSES
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SwordSister'
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Movies
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Monthly Man
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Political Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 10 Superhero Running Mates
10. Rudy Giuliani: Wonder Woman, because they wear the same size.
9. Kat Swift: Snippy the Neutertarian Veterinarian, to ensure
that this Kat doesn't go astray.
8. Hillary Clinton: Smokey the Bear. He's a national icon,
trusted -- and when she gets too hot about some issue, he'll
throw water on her, she'll melt, and PETA will be happy when
he's sworn in.
7. Dennis Kucinich: The Piece Candidate, to provide coverage
against potential follicle withdrawal.
6. Tom Tancredo: The Green Card, who can smell if someone is
undocumented.
5. Barack Obama: Mary Smith. Any Mary Smith, so his ticket has
both a woman and a name that makes middle America comfortable.
4. Sam Brownback: Super Dogma, to wage battle against Evil
Lucian.
3. Ron Paul: Captain Asbestos, because he has a chance in hell.
2. John Edwards: Floyd the Super Homely Guy. Not so much to
offset Edwards' good looks, more just to have a Pretty Boy -
Floyd ticket.
and the Number 1 Superhero Running Mate...
1. Mitt Romney: Goy Wonder, to cover the Christian flank.
- mojo
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Toon Chips
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Found Your Clitoris
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."
There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.
A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
And the back she's a Parker House roll.
There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie---
Which startled the purely fastidious.
There was a young girl named Dalrymple
Whose sexual equipment was so simple
That on examination they found
Little more than a mound
In the centre of which was a dimple.
A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live
without me, and she wants to marry me."
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks
into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at
them all the way through the entrance.
She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and
wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.
When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth
with
more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, 'Good morning and
welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say,
'Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's
7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think
they
look alike?'
No,' replies the greeter, 'I just couldn't believe someone had sex
with
you twice.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.
However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he
went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that
to a girl will die that very minute!"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him
to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually
got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.
She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very
minute!!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she
gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die?"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has
begun to get stiff!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 996
The Sinks
Rudy: So this is called what again pops?
BJ: The sinks. The river tumbles down, twists and
goes into that cave and is never seen again.
Sandi: Wow!
Diana: So I guess we do not need to get too close to
the water.
BJ: Right, if you fall in, you are gone forever.
Ginger: Look at the fish though....
Katie: I think I could run out there and grab one and
run back...
BJ: No Katherine. If you slip, you are dead. The water
current is very fast.
Diana: This is the same river that went through Yellowstone?
BJ: Yes it is. It probably is an underground river somewhere but
who knows where?
Diana: How did you find this place?
BJ: I just asked an oldtimer in the town of Lander, Wyoming if
there was something unusual to see and he mentioned this and he
also mentioned the other weird thing.
Rudy: Yeah, the optical delusion.
Sandi: Illusion you mean.
Ginger: That was cool, when we got out of the car and it seemed
to roll uphill. That was very cool dad. How do you explain that?
BJ: I video taped it, else I would not believe it. Even though the
road is slanting upwards the whole valley must be downwards.
Rudy: It is magic.
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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