Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Short thoughts for Friday the 13 th.
My thoughts go out to the families of the victims of the plane
crash near buffalo this morning. We all have been reflecting
on the " Miracle On The Hudson" and this event snaps us back
to reality. Air travel is still the safest way to get from point A
to
point B. If auto travel was as safe, car insurance would be
a dollar a year, but then drivers are not as well trained, our
cars not as well maintained, and we don't receive trip support
that a pilot does, but when anyone of these elements fails
the results can be as tragic. I had been hoping for a break
in the economy bad news and stimulus talks and this was
not it.
I have been watching the online animal ads lately. One is for a
lonely Alpaca for sale for 600 bucks. If the Alpaca is lonely don't
just sell it buy it a plane ticket back to South America or wherever
they come from. If in doubt Dora the Explorer can probably tell
you where the home town is.
Another type of ad that has popped up lately is for mixed breed
puppies. For example Pom-Chi puppies 400 bucks. These were
1/4 Pom and 3/4 Chi. I always called dogs that weren't purebreds
mutts and they came under the heading of Give-Aways. Why are
they worth 400 dollars all of a sudden?
I am also seeing a lot of hypo-allergenic dogs for sale. I guess
they
are all hoping that President Obama will come give them 400
dollars for their dog even after he said he was looking for a
shelter
dog.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Arrow Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow
beginner kits. Of course, the first month i went around our land
sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did
you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds
before it goes down? Tough sumbich.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that i
was, i quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in
chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all
over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so
there really wasnt any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of
post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.
One summer afternoon, i was shooting flaming arrows into a large
rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport
and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light
bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought
that it would probably just spray out in a dissapointing manner...
lets face it to a 10 yr. old mouthbreather like myself ether really
doesnt "sound" flammable. So, i went back into the house and got a 1
pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, i set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the
can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit
around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie...
1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a
firecracker you know? You know what? Fuck that. Im going back in the
house for the other can. Yes, i got a second can of pyrodex and
dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2stroke arrow. I drew the nock
to my cheek and took aim. As i released i heard a clunk as the arrow
launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, i turned to see
my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT he just got home from
work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my
bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a
WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time
to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom.
Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Shit.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I dont know if it
was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex
jerk back from 235 fucking decibels of sound. I caught a half a
milisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and
i will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft
above the ground as far as i could see. It was like a little low to
the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a
crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...
THE FUCKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree
out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice i said "was". That
motherfucker got up and ran off.
So here i am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
thundercats Tshirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the
carport having what i can only assume is a vietnam flashback ECHO
BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GODDAMIT
CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in
the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown
out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our
backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side
of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching
the tires.
I wish i knew what i said to my dad at this moment. I dont know- i
know i said something. I couldnt hear. I couldnt hear inside my own
head. I dont think he heard me either... not that it would really
matter. I dont remember much from this point on. I said something,
felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain,
blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so
and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me
CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad
can kill him again. Thanks mom.
One thing is for sure... i never had to mow around that stump again.
Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did
anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzloaders a week or so later. And i still have some
sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the
beating. Or both.
I guess what im trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its
good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in
life.
Via Patricia B
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
there's been a mistake
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe had been moping around all week, and the boss wanted to know
what
was wrong. "It's my wife," he replied. "She's fooling around with
other men. "Well... I can understand your mood then." said the boss.
"I wouldn't like that one damn bit either." "No, no." said the
bookkeeper. "It's not that. I just can't sleep with two other people
in our small bed."
As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the
groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a
golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of
it. You'll probably never see me on the weekends." His bride looked
a
little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a
hooker." "No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm
straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting them straight in
no time."
One day a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's
new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The blonde
then
put her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette feared for her
life,
but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?" The blonde calmly
replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn, of course!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some feminists are demanding that housewives be paid a weekly salary
for all the work they do. Eventually, we'll have a housewife's
union.
I can't wait to see what happens when the housewives go on strike
and
strike breakers are brought in to take their places.
I used to be a Viagra salesman, but just couldn't keep it up
There was a spam advertisement in my e-mail this morning that said,
in
big letters, "Satisfy the girl with a bigger dick!" Damn, I
wouldn't
be caught dead with a girl with a dick... especially if it's bigger
than mine!
School girl : "I do not want to take the Sex Education class"
Teacher : "Why not?" School girl : "Someone told me the Final Exam
would be oral!"
Medical history was recently made at a famous children's hospital. A
baby boy was born with no eyelids, so they fashioned replacements
with
his circumcised foreskin. Everything seemed fine until they realized
he turned out cock-eyed.
What do you call a used tampon floating in a river?
A blood vessel.
What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks,
you're
screwed.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two-ton pickup.
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Honeymoon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding
went fine and they left on their honeymoon.
The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program after they
went to bed that night. The young wife felt that he was probably
tired and let him sleep for a while. A couple of hours later she was
really horny, so she decided that this had gone on long enough, but
wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge.
She woke the old fellow up.
"What's the matter," he asked.
She purred, "This side of the bed is to hard, I want to lay on your
side."
The old fart scratched his head, got up and walked around the bed.
He then got in on her side and went to sleep.
A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate
things. She was just so hot, so she awoke him again.
"What now?" he asked.
She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more
comfortable let me lie on that side."
Again he got up walked around, got in, and went to sleep. By this
time, she was really ready to make hard, passionate, sex.
She really didn't care at this point how it would appear to him. She
awoke him again and said, "No, I was wrong your side is more
comfortable. Instead of getting up, why don't you just crawl over me
and I will scoot across the bed?"
He started over and she stopped him right on top and held him.
"Now, do you know what I really want?", she asked, holding him
tightly while squirming a bit underneath his old body.
He replied, "Yeah! You want the whole damned bed! Well, you aren't
going to get it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Swimming Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her
right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go
along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to
a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his
towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half
tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before
he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a
few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told
you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was
moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the
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butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she
climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
the canal".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another
minute
with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the
phone
so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim
expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heaven," his date replied....
"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
------------
Q. Where do sunflowers go at night?
A. To flower beds.
------------
Employee: Boss, I've been here 11 years, doing three men's work for
one
man's pay. I want a raise and I want it now!
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but tell you what.... if you
tell
me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
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Subscribers and Friends
John w/ Happy Valentines Day
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Melva/For My Valentine
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Special Father
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Surfin Surfari
1234567890 Day
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Test Your Geography Knowledge- USA
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
The Bat : Tips
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PovRay
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Python 101
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Movie Chips
Not His Day
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Ollie
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Parrot Plays Golf
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Pepsi Please
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Pilobolus
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Ponies
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Pool Chick
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Printer
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Regis Bowling
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Regis Lemarin
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pick-up Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old People's Pickup Lines
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like ... where exactly
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"Do you smell that? That's either love, or Iused too much ointment
this morning."
"Yes, I'm 92 ... but I have the body of a 78-year-old.
"WHO'S your granddaddy?"
"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue
hair, too."
"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about coming home with me
and ... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Breasts of burden
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Teachers today
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Ship-Shape Car
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Missing Eggs
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Overeasy
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Off The Mark
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alien Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.
9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.
9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence
barking
dog with penetrating gaze.
10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating
fingertips.
Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing
motorist.
Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs;
weigh,
label and categorize.
Return most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery.
Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid
enigmatic
good-bye. Leave.
1:10 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has
gone
mad.
Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an
unidentifiable
element.
2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from
best
seller.
Communion.
3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go
next.
3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.
3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.
4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Bush.
Discuss
ozone
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6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other
aliens.
Listen to Windham Hill.
9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.
10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of
skin.
Beam
cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful
young woman at the other end of the bar.
"Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it
on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile.
A moment later he's at her side.
"That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with
you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm
a
professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred
dollars. Now, if that's not what you had in mind, I certainly
understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I
like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure,
let's go upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering.
There's
something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both
Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount."
"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty
percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making
any profit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a girl named Michelle
Who's crack had a horrible smell
And when she spread
The first thought in my head was
"Yo quiero Taco Bell"
The night started with hot sexual talk,
As they screwed they lost track of the clock.
Throughout the next day,
They continued to play,
Until neither were able to walk!
There once was a disc jockey named Louise
Who's box had a sucking disease
One night it got wet;
I lost a cassette
An eight-track and twenty CD's
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1523
"I Shot an Arrow into the Air..."
BJ: So what is with the Robin Hood outfits Katie?
Katie: Rudy is Little John and Sandi is Friar Tuck. We have these
new bows and arrows and are going to become very good with them
father.
BJ: What is Rudy doing with that bale of hay?
Katie: He is setting up a target for me father. Rudy a bit more to
the left!
Watch this father.
BJ: Shouldn't you wait for Rudy to get out of the way Katie?
Katie: I am not a very good shot father. I probably can't get the
arrow
there anyway... TWANG!!
Sandi: Very good shot Katie...sailing quite well and true... FORE!!
BJ: RUDY DUCK!!!
Rudy: Ducks. I don't see any ducks. OUCH!!
Sandi: Ow right in the but then again it could have been worse.
BJ: Yeah it was barely flying when it got there.
Katie is shaking...
Sandi: I think Rudy is rather steamed Katherine...
and he is
picking up a rather large tree stump.
Katie: I think I need to head for my dog house. Zoom!!!
BJ: I guess this mean Robin Hood's days are over.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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