Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I was asked the following question and it seemed like a good time for
a
history lesson.
THE OTHER DAY MY BROTHER-IN-LAW AND I WHERE TALKING ABOUT THE UPPER
PENINSULA AND WAS WONDER WHY IT IS PART OF MICHIGAN AND NOT
WISCONSIN? WE ARE BOTH FROM THE SOUTHERN PART OF WISCONSIN AND NOW
LIVE IN CALIFORNIA. SO, WHEN THE QUESTION CAME UP I KNEW EXACTLY WHO
TO ASK "BUFFALO". I ALWAYS ENJOY YOUR NEWSLETTERS AND CAN'T WAIT TO
READ THEM. THEY ARE VERY INTERESTING. WILL AWAIT YOUR ANSWER.
ROGER
When you look at a map of the U.S., you probably wonder how they
managed
to divide things up at a time when there was no GPS, no laser
transits, and very
few trails to even get a surveyor's truck with all those orange cones
near the
site. As most of you may know this area was under three different
flags in its
history, the French, British, and finally American. Each group made
its own
treaties with the natives and expanded their territories, designated
a city for
a capitol and made its bid for statehood. In 1805 the Michigan
territories
were established and only included the Eastern end of the Upper
Peninsula.
They later expanded it to include all of Wisconsin and part of
Minnesota
which belonged to the Illinois and Indiana territories. The various
territories
argued back and forth and they even thought about not including da
Yoopers
in statehood. Then in the 1830's as they were making the final
arrangements
Ohio and Michigan had a little war. They were arguing over a strip of
land
that included Toledo and the militias of each side threatened the
people of
the Toledo strip to keep them from forming an alliance with either
side.
Congress decided to intervene and gave the Toledo strip to Ohio and
the
western part of the U.P. Until Michigan found out about the Copper,
Gold, and Iron deposits they had acquired, they felt they had been
ripped
off but after having visited Toledo I think they got the better end
of the deal.
After the State of Michigan was formed in 1835 Wisconsin became its
own
territory. Except for Congress we would have had been either
cheeseheads
or our own state and when we look at Detroit we sometimes wish it had
went
differently.
buffalo
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Crabby Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Women Are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find
that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds
hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously
uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would
snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along
with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone
crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert
tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time
which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus
through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his
little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss
was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry
crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day
leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are
(and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels
inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder
if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and
we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment
arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right
in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon
feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please
stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar Calm down and push. "Just one more
good push" (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse
to punch the
%$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a
wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when
all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into
walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,
machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual
prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his
18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer
in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions,
or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily
and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men
get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to
pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great
Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the "weaker sex?" Yeah
right. Bite me.
Rose
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Penis Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Billy and Jimmy are playing out on the playground. Jimmy turns to
Billy
and says, "Billy, what's a penis?" Billy replies, "I don't know. I'll
ask my parents when I get home." So that afternoon Billy goes home.
Billy's mom is in the kitchen. Billy goes up to her and asks, "Mom,
what's a penis?" Billy's mom says, "Billy! Don't ask me questions like
that! Go ask your father." So Billy runs off and finds his father,
reading the afternoon paper. Billy asks his father, "Dad, what's a
penis?" Billy's father seems quite pleased with his son's
question. "Ah,
my son is becoming a man!" Billy's father stands up, undoes his pants,
pulls them and his underwear down. "This, my son, this is a penis,"
says
Billy's father. "And for your information, this is not just any old
penis. This is a 'perfect' penis." Now fully informed, Billy returns
to
school the next day. At recess Jimmy approaches Billy. "Hey, Billy,
did
you find out what a penis is?" "Yeah, I did," Billy says, and leads
Jimmy back behind some tress where no one can see them. Billy undoes
his
pants, pulls them and his underwear down and says, "Jimmy, this is a
penis. And not only that: if it were three inches shorter, it would
be a
'perfect' penis."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Title Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Book Titles
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Unemployed -- by Anita Job
Off to Market -- by Tobias A. Pigg
I Lived in Detroit -- by Helen Earth
Inflammation, Please -- by Arthur Itis
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Cloning -- by Ima Dubble
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The Scent of a Man -- by Jim Nasium
Is O. J. Guilty? -- by Howard I. Know
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French Overpopulation -- by Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear -- by Lucy Lastic
House Construction -- by Bill Jerome Home
Yellow River -- by Iam Ping
Lewis Carroll -- by Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy -- by Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast -- by Kareem O' Wheat
Why Cars Stop -- by M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows -- by Russell Ingleaves
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Mountain Climbing -- by Andover Hand
It's Springtime! -- by Theresa Green
No! -- by Kurt Reply
Ross
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Ethics Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ethics
Here is a very good test of your ethics: This test only has one
Question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it
without
Giving it some serious thought. By giving An honest answer you will be
Able to test where you stand morally.
You're in Florida.. In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos
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On around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge
Masses of water all about you. You are a news photographer and you are
In the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.
You're trying to shoot impressive photos, photos that capture the
Emotion and tragedy of the events. Houses and people are floating
Around you, disappearing into the water! Nature is showing all her
Destroying power, ripping everything asunder.
Suddenly you see a woman in the water She is fighting for her life,
Trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You know who
It is - it's Hillary Clinton!
At the moment you recognize who she is, you also notice that the
Raging waters are about to take her away, forever. You realize you
Have two options. You can save her or you can take the best photo of
Your life. You can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot
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Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the actual
Moment of death of one of the world's most powerful women.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee after class.
"You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the student, a
rather gorgeous young thing. "Forgive me for saying it, but they
belong on a woman."
Not only did he forgive her, he obliged.
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from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and
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"What about my sex life?" asked the old man "Will it be all right for
me to have intercourse?
"Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you to get too
excited."
The Bride smiled sweetly at the Maid of Honor when they both
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When they were alone though, the Bride shouted, "How could you do
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away."
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Honeymoon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and
moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's
parents.
That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his
sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered.
He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on
top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed
upstairs
started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife.
"Let's make love again!"
Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her
as hard as he could.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the
bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said
the wife. "Let's do it again!"
So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he
shouted, "Hey,
kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bridegroom? "How much do we owe for the room?"
Hotel Clerk: "Three dollars apiece." The bridegroom gave
the clerk twenty-one dollars.
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' Monastery, which
was leveled. All fifty brothers were killed and went to heaven at
the same time.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test
as a group. First question, how many of you have played around with
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Forty-nine hands went up.
"Okay, right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to
Purgatory to atone for that before you can enter Heaven. Oh, and take
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Q. f you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks
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A. Divorce proceedings, most likely.
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the girls were floored.
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old maid from Luck,
Who took it into her head to fuck.
She was about to resign
'Till she hung out a sign:
"Come in, I've decided to suck."
The question, it seems, of the day,
And one that just won't go away,
Is, What's the solution
To aqua pollution
And water we going to pay?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This tale's of a dyslexic who
Bank-robbed with some help from the zoo.
His heist, though he planned it,
Turned strange, for the bandit
Wrote, "Give me cash. I have a gnu."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to like Texas a lot.
It's home of the Pun-Off*, and hot.
But it gave us Dubya.
Now doesn't that troublya?
Do I still like it? Well, Not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
To music I must have been born,
'Cause, man, I love blowing a horn!
While cornets get cornier
Horns make me hornier
My mouth's full-time pursed, I must warn.
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little truck driver was driving when he saw a sign on a farmer's
gate
post that read "$100.00 to anyone that can make my horse shake his
head
no." He stops and goes to the farmer and says, "I can make your horse
shake his head no." "Well," says the farmer, "No one has ever been
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moves
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whispers into the horses ear. The horse shakes his head from side to
side, No! The little driver goes into the farmer and says, "Well, I
made
him shake his head no.
Give me my $100.00."
The farmer pays the wee chap and asks, "What did you say to him?" The
little guy says, "I just asked him if he wanted me to do it again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The handsome construction worker considered himself quite, the stud,
and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1078
Just Klowning Around
BJ wakes up and is stumbling around the house half
asleep... he walks into the kitchen and sees Katie
wearing a green wig, yellow nose, and flat shoes and
a clown outfit. BJ is still sleepy and grabs his coffee
and just nods and walks into the front room where
Rudy is sitting with his clown outfit, bright red wig,
spotted jammies, horn on his belt and a fake cigar in
his mouth.
Sandi has a seltzer bottle in her paws and is also
dressed like a clown wearing a hat with purple hair
tucked underneath it and wearing a hobo outfit.
Ginger is wearing overalls with a straw hat, face
painted white with red spots and carrying a fire
hose connected to a fake fire hydrant.
Mark Anthony and Cleo are dressed like Keystone
Cops with batons and the like.
BJ: Morning.
Rudy: Don't you notice anything different about us?
BJ: I just woke up. My eyes are still blurry. I had
this bizzare dream that I was in the circus and you
all were clowns.....ACK! You are all clowns!
Katie: Yes father, we have studied and found out that
clowns are good therapy for patients. We thought we
would visit grammar in the nursing home and see if we
could cheer her up.
BJ: It might work...here comes Diana. See how it works
on her.
Diana: Good day, how has your day been...? Oh dear!
Rudy: What ya think toots?
Diana: I think it is marvelous. It is such an improvement.
Rudy: Hey!
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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