Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I am directing this today to the vast majority of friends out there
that
are using Outlook Express. I like OE. To begin with why spend 200-300
for an operating system and then not use all of it. Next why use a
program
that at best the author hopes will work with Windows. I have been
having
a few small performance issues lately which may have been expected as
I was violating some of the cardinal rules of OE. I had at least 4
folders
that were well above the limit of 2000 emails and the dbx folders
weighed
in at about 8 gig far beyond the recommended 2 gig max. When I
shifted
folders it sometimes took 30 seconds for the inbox to load. I had
already
found out once that if you play around too long all of your emails are
subject to going AWOL and it probably wouldn't be too long before it
happened again so I decided it was time for some maintenance. I spent
hours the other night deciding what was worth keeping and deleting
duplicate and triplicate copies of lists. I took all of the movies I
had
saved and transferred them to another drive and then deleted all of
the
originals. What an enormous difference in loading times for the
individual
folders. Instead of a percentage bar it loaded immediately.
Last but not least I had been avoiding compacting folders since the
beginning
because compaction brings to mind something being compacted to a neat
little package ready to be discarded. I had tried it once before and
it
had basically frozen my computer or appeared to anyhow but I
reluctantly
hit the button. A half hour later everything was compacted and I shut
down and
restarted my computer. I found that I had gained over 6 gig of space.
I am told that on Microsoft Mail, size is no longer a problem and
they have
tested inboxes with 175,000 emails and 30 gig in them before noticing
a
drop in performance. I am ready for it.
Martha has written an excellent tutorial on Outlook Express that is
well worth reading before you have problems.
http://www.marthas-
Enjoy the chips ... buffalo
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Male Illness Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I. Body Aches For Three Days
a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I
masturbated.
b. Time spent debating wife whether or not to see doctor.
c. "SCREW doctors" wins the day.
d. Sleep the days away.
II. Upper Respiratory Infection
a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I
masturbated.
b. Hacking up some pretty scary stuff.
c. Time spent debating wife whether or not to see doctor.
d. screw doctors" wins the day.
e. Can't sleep. Watch reruns of Green Acres.
III. Ear Infections
a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I
masturbated.
b. Left ear clogs, pressure mounts.
c. Time spent debating wife whether or not to see doctor.
d. screw doctors" wins the day.
e. Right ear clogs, now almost completely deaf.
f. Impersonation of Helen Keller nearly dead on.
"Ruh rim rey rood. Har, har, har."
g. Can't sleep. Watch reruns of Bonanza.
IV. Break Down and See Doctor
a. "Next time, don't wait. Here, take this, this and this."
b. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I
masturbated.
V. No Progress, Ears Ringing, See Specialist
a. "Maybe ringing will go away, maybe it won't.
Let's see which way it goes. $150 please."
b. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I
masturbated.
VI: Ears Clear Up, Chest Gets Worse, Ears Reinfect,
Chest Gets Better
a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I
masturbated.
b. Go back to original doctor. "Here, take this, this, this, this this
and this. Call me if you bleed out of your ass."
c. Still sick after five weeks.
d. The sound "Fuck doctors" replaces ringing in my ears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Tax Audit
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Freestyle Waterskiing Champion
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A Matter Of Taste
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Getting Married
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Back To Life
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Mouse Revenge!
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Big Nuts
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Biscuits
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Talented Secretary
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Porn Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue
dispenser.
When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
C:\Downloads\
C:\Downloads\
C:\Downloads\
C:\Downloads\
Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on
her."
You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera
burned
into his corneas.
As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his
birthday.
During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Postal Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on
his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars
are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the
homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last
night," the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday
night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am
Sunday morning. We had a about fifteen couples from around
the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit
wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we
started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go
in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet
covering us and only our 'units' showing through a hole in
the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name
was guessed four or five times."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blind Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me
a
dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just
happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later
the
blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The
owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After
another deep breath, the blind man says,
"That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks maybe the blind
man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time
the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and
leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around
your crotch before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and
hands
her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down,
the
owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I
remembered
you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Law Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brother Jon is now in law school, and he writes:
Unlike the other students, when I see "respondeat
superior," I
look up the damn thing. Here's what happened in
class yesterday:
Professor: "Ms. Blongelli, please brief Gefunt v.
Rossi, Inc."
Ms. B: "Oh!! Uhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm
[Scrambles through book.]
Professor: "Go on."
Ms. B: "It had to do with an accident?" [Rising
inflection.]
[Silence and stare from professor.]
Ms. B: "Um, Gefunt was, like, run over by this guy
who, like, worked, I mean, I think he, like, drove
a truck for someone? Is that right? Question
mark? Hello?"
Professor: "Continue."
Ms. B: "Well, he, like, sued and I think, I'm not
sure, but I think they, like, held something
reversed."
Professor: "The court reversed on appeal for
respondeat superior."
Ms. B: "Yeah. That's it!!" [Smiles. Closes book.
Receives applause and congratulations from other
students.]
Professor: "What does that mean?"
Ms. B:"Oh!! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmm
Professor: "Mr. Umbridge?"
Mr. U: "Sumbich ran over that jogger while
speeding back to work in the company pick'em-up
truck after porking his girl friend on company
time, if you know what I mean. The jogger, that'd
be Mr. Gefunt, sued the sumbich's company fer
letting him drive that damn heap in the first
place. Them dumbasses in the downtown courthouse
turned Mr. Gefunt down flat. Then he appealed to
people with some sense in their haids, pleading
'respondeat superior,' or, in real language, 'let
that sumbich's boss pay for it,' 'cause he been
lettin' that sumbich get away with that shit for
years, all on company time. Court up in the
capital said, 'Hell, yeah! Ya'll cain't let that
sumbich drive around like that and pretend he's
not on company time. Them dumbasses downtown is
gonna take this pig back and dress it up right.'
Re-fukkin'-versed!
Professor: "Mmmmmm. Technically, that's correct.
But perhaps now would be a good time to discuss
certain issues involving legal writing and oral
presentations.
Mr. U: "Why?"
Third Student: "Wait. What does, like,
"affirmed," mean? You know, like, in case I,
like, have to answer the next one or something?"
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Girl Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home
with two of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Candle Making Techniques
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Mcdonald's Museum
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USS Grunion
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Movies
Mexican Mondays
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Juggler
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Heroes
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Need Glasses
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Ring My Bell
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Roasted Hefner
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Runway
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Tiger
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hippie Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit across from a Nun in
the front seat. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a
glimmer of her face. Gorgeous!
She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly
phenomenal body.
The hippie gets more and more excited until he finally
approaches the nun and says "Sister, I don't normally do this
sort of thing, but I'm very attracted to you. Can we get
together some time?"
The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets
off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the
hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to
have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus
driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun
goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"With your long hair and beard," said the bus driver "you could
dress in white robes, tell her you're Jesus and command her to
have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out, so that Tuesday he goes
to the cemetery and waits for the nun.
Right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of
praying the hippie walks out from hiding, wearing a hooded white
robe. "I am the Son of God, I have heard your prayers and I will
answer them, but you must have sex with me first."
The nun is flabbergasted but says she will concede to his wishes
with one condition - she asks for anal sex so she might keep her
virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about going to work
on the nun.
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his hood and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replies by whipping off her hood and shouting,
"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Viagra Side Effects
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Immature Man
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Formatting The Harddrive
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Something In His Shorts
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The Aardvark Breakfast
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day as I fished on the sea
A mermaid came visiting me
Though just right on top
T'other end was a flop
With no parts to show she was a she.
~~~~~~
There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who screwed her and ran.
Now she goes to the park everyday.
~~~~~~
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the priest in Ireland, who kept running down the
English?
He would renounce his congregation of sinners by yelling, "If you
don't
act better your all going to hell with the ENGLISHMEN!"
One day the bishop called him in, and told him that if he didn't quite
denouncing the English, he would be demoted and transffered.
The priest agreed, and in his next sermon, he told the story of the
betrayal of Jesus.
"Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said 'TONIGHT,
ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME!'"
"Peter said, 'It is not I, is it master?'"
"Jesus just looked at Judas."
"Judas, realizing the steady gaze of THE LORD upon him said, 'Blimy
govenor, you wouldn't think it was me would you?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Scotsman and a young girl are waiting for a bus.
The girl says, "What do you Scots wear under
your kilts?"
The Scot says, "Why don't you put your hand
up it and find out?"
She sticks her hand up his kilt and immediately
withdraws, shocked.
"It's GRUESOME!!", she exclaims.
The Scot replies, "Aye, and it'll GREW some
more if you put your hand back up there!!"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1067
The Creek Bed
Sandi: What kind of animal would you not like to be
Katie and why?
Katie: Easy, a turtle. You know I like to run and go
fast. Being a turtle would be so frustrating. Ack!
Ginger: Dad, what about you?
Rudy: I think being a rabbit would be terrible. I chase
them all the time. All they do is run run run. Then when
I get close they just freeze up. Whoppe big deal. No, I
would hate to be a rabbit.
Sandi: I would not like being a hummingbird. Do you see
how fast they go? I like to sleep a lot and take life easy.
Those guys are always on the move, no a hummingbirds
life is not for me.
Rudy: Skunks. Whew, besides stinking, they are just nasty
critters. I remember last year the god awful smell we had.
Sandi: Ahem, that was me after I rolled around on the dead
skunk.
Rudy: Oh, yes, that was you...well if we didn't have a dead
skunk, then you would not have rolled around on it and err-ah...
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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