[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For Tues

Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

I have three Halloween stories for you today and I hope you
enjoy them as much as I did.

Buff, would you like to hear another Halloween story? This was told
to me by my father-in-law. Back in the good old days of outhouses,
one old bachelor in the neighborhood had his privy tipped over every
year. Finally he decided to put an end to it. That year he had his
brothers help him move the outhouse forward. When the young men came
to tip it over, they sneaked up to the back and fell into the muck
where it had been standing. There was a lot of yelling and cussing
so he lit his lantern, and walked out to see who were the
pranksters. For the next several weeks - and then for the nest years
at Halloween time - he was able to make fun of the guys that had been
caught in the yucky, smelly muck!

Nuff said,
Mitzi

Paula from Swartz Creek,mi rambles
My grandfather's birthday fell on Devil's night. We were all
expected to go to a gathering every year. So every year we would come
home and find our house covered in toilet paper and soap on our
windows because no one was there to protect it.
When I was 12 or 13 he died. I still miss him and think of Gramps
often.
However, the silver lining was I could finally do some
pranking. So I asked 2 of my friends to go out with me. First we
bought a dozen eggs and shoved them in our jackets( I think they were
also wearing my jackets) and we made this awful pasty,saucy,sticky
mess and started out the door. We made it four houses around the
corner. Then we were stopped by the cops. I threw my eggs at the
sight scared out of my wits but still carrying the mess of slime with
rags on top. So the officer walks up to us and starts talking about
farm animals not being allowed in the city and how he would have to
ticket the homeowners for having chickens and then hit our pockets
smashing our leftover eggs in our clothes. The police officer would
not believe us that my brother lived 8 more houses away and we were
taking the barbeque sauce for the meal until we had eaten several
scoops of it. They let us all go with a warning and we cried all the
way home. If I remember it right there was some puking involved after
reaching the sanctity of my house. We never went out again.
Paula (proud mother of an Iraq war Veteran) ends

Getting TP`d was a status symbol indeed; a sign of just how much your
friends
cared. When my older brothers were of that age, around one Halloween,
said
friends decided to bestow said status upon them. I never found out
whether my
brothers caught wind of what was going down that night, or if they
just happened
to be up or sense that something diabolical was going on out on the
lawn, but
apparently they were sitting on the sofa next to the peeking out over
the back, out
the windows and onto the front lawn where their friends were doing
their damdest to
defile the lawn my parents always had us working so hard to beautify.
As they were
whispering and giggling and pointing out to one another who was whom
and who was
doing what, my father came charging down the stairs and out the front
door and let out
a holler that petrified everyone for a spilt second and then had them
hightailing it to their
cars. In the ensuing escape there were injuries from people running
into trees, and cars
running into one another. After ascertaining that there were no
serious injuries, my dad
deemed that sufficient punishment had been meted out, for the friends
that is. He then
went back to bed letting my brothers lose probably a whole night's
worth of sleep
wondering what was to be their punishment, for indeed there would be,
of that there
was no question. They spent the better part of the next
day "regreening" the lawn,
the trees and the bushes. I am sure that there was more to their
obtaining absolution
from our father who art in control of the rod and the staff that will
discomfort thee.
I was still a bit too young to comprehend all that had happened; my
brothers were
too chagrined to tell me much and my father was too respectful of
personal privacy
and he was not the kind of father to use one child to set an example
for the others
of what NOT to do. So the above story is based on what I, as an
extremely curious
little boy, was able to glean, inevitably enhanced at least a bit by
that young boy's
imagination, and then somewhat diluted with the years that have
passed since
then.

Mark in Japan

Enjoy the chips.... buffalo

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Beer Chips
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This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly
American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on
his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American
beer!"

Ray

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Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

Decorative Hardware
http://buffalosjokes.com/31308.htm
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Dirty Ol' Bastard
http://buffalosjokes.com/31307.htm
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Drinking
http://buffalosjokes.com/31306.htm
<a href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/31306.htm "> Here!</a>

confessions
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/e011.html

let me guess
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/e012.html

do you know
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/e013.html

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Blackwell Chips
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Some of Mr. Blackwell's fashion zingers...

Some of fashion critic Mr. Blackwell's meaner celebrity put-downs:

-Cameron Diaz: "Looks like she was dressed by a colorblind circus
clown, and
when it comes to fashion, it's chaos when Cameron's back in town."
-Madonna: "From Ghetto Glam to Rhinestone Cowgirl to Mrs. Guy
Ritchie. Any
way you label it, she's still just kitschy, kitschy, kitschy." -
Christina Aguilera: "Is she a boring and body-baring bungle - or just
auditioning for 'Sheena, Queen of the Jungle?"'
Shop Dell Canada for great deals.

-Courtney Love: "When push comes to shove, no one's fashion is
tackier and
wackier than funky, punky Love!"
-Mary Kate Olsen: "She resembles a tattered toothpick trapped in a
hurricane."
-The Dixie Chicks: "They look like a trio of truck-stop fashion
tragedies
trapped in a typhoon."
-Rene Zellweger: "A painted pumpkin on a pogo stick."
-Ann-Margret: "Marlon Brando in a g-string."

-Bjork: "She dances in the dark - and dresses there, too." -Martha
Stewart: "She dresses like the centerfold for the Farmer's Almanac." -
Sharon Stone: "She looks like an over-the-hill Cruella de Ville." -
Elizabeth Taylor: "Looks like two small boys fighting under a mink
blanket."
-Amy Winehouse: "Exploding beehives above, tacky polka-dots below,
she's
part 50's carhop horror."

-Cher: "A million beads and one overexposed derriere."
-Sarah Jessica Parker: "From 'Sex and the City' Sarah's fashions are
a
mix-and-match pity."
-Mariah Carey: "Shrink-wrapped cheesecake."
-Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham: "Forget the fashion spice - wearing a
skirt
would suffice! In one skinny-mini monstrosity after another, pouty
Posh can
really wreck-em."

-Queen Elizabeth II: "Was she the palace Christmas tree or just a
royal
clown?
-Camilla Parker-Bowles: "In feathered hats that were once the rage,
she
resembles a petrified parakeet from the Jurassic age."
-Dennis Rodman (for his drag outfits): "The Fashion Menace may be the
Bad
Boy of basketball - but in fishnet and feathers he's a unisex wreck."

Dianne

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Detroit Chips
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Michigan Law:

The Michigan State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into
Detroit.

For the first offense, they give you two Detroit Lions tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super
Bowl?
A. The Detroit Lions. ;

Q. What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus
Christ'.

Q. How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q . Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A. To the Detroit Lions Stadium - they never have a touchdown
there!

Q. What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar
bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q. What do the Detroit Lions and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Sir Bonzo

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Short Chips
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What did the dirty old tramp say to a bunch of
school girls?

"Hey girls, do you wanna go turkey shootin?"

"OK" came the reply.

"Good, you gobble I'll shoot."

~~~~

Bill asks Doug to go with him for a drink.

Doug replies, "Sorry Bill, I have to go to the drugstore to pick up
a 'patch' subscription for my wife. She's quitting smoking today."

"Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bill said.

"Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Doug. "I told her to let
me know any time she has an urge to put something in her mouth to
suck on."

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Academic Chips
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ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you
understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special
phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or
academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to
get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer
glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN
THIS FIELD"... I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

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Short Chips
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Things To Say To A Man With A Huge Penis:

"Am I dreaming?"

"Can I keep you?"

Get down on your knees, look heavenward and say,
"Thank you God"

And the most vital thing to say to a man with a
huge penis, "I DO!"

John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they
arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John
and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that
after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."

One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with
Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look daddy the Green
soldiers just blew the Hell out of the Tan soldiers.''

Shocked ed the wife tells the boy to go to his room, and think about
what he just said.

A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and
you play soldiers and you can blow the hell out of me?"

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Melva sharing from Carol/Inside Your Heart
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You Raise Me Up
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John w/ The Twist
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Hold On To Me
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Facts
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)

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Animal World

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Movies

Kitty Cat Song
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Royal Canadian Air Farce
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veux_jouer_le_chienchien
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Love Is Blind
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YOB
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Water Power
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Way Cool Toy
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Wekker Problem
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Welcome Home
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about
whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the
guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is
somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

Ray

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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Distance
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/41020.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/41020.htm "> Here!</a>

Gravity
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/41019.htm
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Limerick Chips
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A lady stockbroker quite hetera'
Decided her fortune to bettera.
On the floor, quite unclad,
She successively had
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...

********************************

There was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought all babies came from God.
But it wasn't the Almighty,
Who lifted her nighty,
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!

********************************

There once was an OB named Randy,
Whose rapport with young patients was dandy;
To get their feet high
In the stirrups, he'd try
Distraction, by giving them candy.
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier

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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her
students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments
of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour
of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but
how do you make it last an hour?"

Ray

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of
stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you
since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your
American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be
interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today,
and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be
careful.

What is the difference between a pigeon and a Wall Street Banker?


The pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Ferrari.



Thanks for sharing the jokes with us everyday, Kevin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1448

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Tami is ready to go to work. She opens her front door and heads
for her car. She opens her door and the door falls off.

Tami: Hey! What the...? My car... it is a cardboard cut out. Where
is my car? There are about twenty cars in my yard that look like
mine.
Which one is mine?

Tami starts opening doors and the cardboard cars start falling over.

Giggling comes from the bushes.

Tami: Hey this is not funny.

Bushes: Is to!

First three cars fall over, then four, five, six, seven.

Rob comes outside: Tami what are you doing here?

Tami: Don't ask.

Rob: You should be on your way to work.

Tami: Can you tell which car is mine from there?

Rob: The red one.

Tami: Which red one?

Rob: The red one that is yours of course.

Tami: I am going to bop you if you do not help me.

Rob: I have to get to work.

Tami: Oh, I bet your car is messed up to.

Rob goes to his car, gets in and drives off.

Tami stomps her feet...

The dogs wave to Rob as he drives off and Rob waves to them and
winks at them.

The herd in Guthrie



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Adult Adult Adult

Remember 9/11/01

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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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