Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Sandy is still under the weather so I have been helping out
with cooking and I prepared brunch the other morning. I
decided to make omelets as they go over well and there is
always bits and pieces in the refrigerator chopped up from
other meals that will fit right in. I pulled the pan I normally use
out of the cupboard and noticed the handle was a little loose
but decided to use it anyhow. I was just getting ready to
plate the second omelets when the pan flipped and half of the
omelet ended up on the burner on fire. Sandy picked that
moment to stick her head in the kitchen, and seeing the flaming
omelet turned around and left. Sandy felt a little better this
afternoon and finished cleaning what I hadn't gotten off the
burner.
This afternoon Buffy left her IBM ThinkPad open and Eva emptied
a shaker of salt on the keyboard. Fortunately I had a can of
compressed
air and the salt was blown out before it could do any damage.
I had to pay almost 8.00 a can at Radio Shack and that price is
ridiculous.
Enjoy the chips..... buffalo
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Smoking Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diary of a Smoker-Quitting
This Sucks
Day One: Shit.
Day One again only the next day:
Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes
as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like
squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me
of cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him
pitifully. Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him.
Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf
as this has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I
could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one.
That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but
frankly, right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy
game on Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game
hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.
Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
Great; two extra hours of fencing practice
with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.
Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire
for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six
times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to
assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result
of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to
either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably
both.
Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.
Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
Did all laundry out of necessity -
body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets
(Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.
Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.
Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag;
keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.
Feed rest down garbage disposal.
Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.
Day 4: Receive visitor.
Police looking for missing mail carrier -
received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make
coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried
fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if
he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.
Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee.
( Federal crime.)
Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison
for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.
Day 552:
Receive divorce papers:
husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes
and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep.
Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment
to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Feel better.
Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if
anything wanted at last moments.
Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one
last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but
sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy,
giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issues full
pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows
for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine
withdrawal.
Day 1: Shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Anniversary Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry and Rachel are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary
at the Fontainbleau and it's a hell of a party: champagne, caviar,
toasts by all of their best friends who've assembled for the
occasion. Finally, tired and happy, the couple retires to their
luxurious suite.
"Rachel," says Harry, "you know, this would be the perfect evening if
only..."
"Oh, Harry," sighs Rachel, "I thought you got over that years ago.
You know I don't like it."
"But, Rachel, it's such a special night. Just this once..."
"Harry, you know how I feel about this sort of thing."
"I know, I know," pleads Harry, "but you know how much it'll mean to
me."
So Rachel finally goes down on him. Just as she's finishing
up, the phone rings.
Harry gets up on one elbow and says, "Answer the phone, cocksucker."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack was nimble Jack was quick.
But Jill preferred the candlestick!
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life
isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.
If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash
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How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)
How did the blonde burn her nose?
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Q: Did you hear the joke about the football game
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A: Never mind - it was pointless.
Pairs???
If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that
make a paradox?
Are two dice a paradise?
Do two normal people make one paranormal
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Redhead Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
)- How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
2)- Why do redheads really like their hair color?
3)- Why didn't Indians scalp redheads?
4)- Why aren't most redheads flat-chested?
5)- How can you tell if redhead is lonely?
6)- Why are redheads considered evil?
7)- What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
8)- Why don't redheads wear training bras?
9)- Why did they quit selling redheaded Barbie dolls?
10)- What did the frustrated redhead say to her uninterested lover?
11)- What do redheads miss most about a great party?
12)- How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a
girlfriend?
13)- How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
ANSWERS:
1)- She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.
2)- It does the same thing for the men it does for the bulls ... it
fires them up!
3)- They knew better.
4)- It makes reading the T-shirt more exciting.
5)- There are less than 5 men around her.
6)- Aren't ALL addictions considered bad for you?
7)- A man that's taken with a redhead, but is batting 'zero.'
8)- There's nothing 'in training' on a redhead.
9)- Ken kept having low self esteem issues.
10)- Nothing. 'Frustrated' and 'uninterested' don't appear in
a redhead's vocabulary.
11)- The lack of equality in male partners.
12)- She has scratched 'Stay off MY TURF!' on his back with
her claws ...er ... nails, that is.
13)- She unties you.
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Virginity Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a partially true story, grotesquely embellished.
I have a sister who is about 6 years older than myself, and who,
after graduating high school, married a navy man. After a short stint
in Key West, my sister and new brother-in-law were stationed at the
Norfolk NAS in Virginia.
On the occasion of my 14th birthday, my sister sent me a wonderful
package. It was a real wooden box labeled "Virginia's Finest
Sampler". The box contained several vacuum sealed ham steaks, a pound
of dry cured bacon, a jar of Red Clover honey, a cloth bag of corn
bread mix, another of buttermilk biscuit mix, and a small tin of
specially blended tea.
That evening, I skittered into the kitchen to cook up my birthday
meal. I cooked up the cornbread and ham, and opened a can of turnip
greens to go with it, but when I went to brew up the tea, the little
tin was no where to be found.
Yelling to my parents from the other room, I asked "Has anyone seen
my tea?".
"Your What?" came the reply.
"My Tea! I'VE LOST MY VIRGINIA TEA!"
I immediately heard an audible "thud" geminating from the living
room.
Upon investigation, I found my parents immersed in uproarious
laughter. My mother on her knees, pounding her fist into the carpet,
while my father, who until this time was prostrate on the Laz-E-Boy
now seemed to be attempting to kiss his own knees.
After composing themselves, the tea was located and dinner was
served. I still have that little tin, which held my
precious "Virginia tea", and it has become quite the topic of
conversation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sailor Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar
and was trying to get laid without much success.
"I don't date servicemen," she said,
"but I am curious as to why you sailors have
those two rows of buttons on your pants."
"Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor replied.
"Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde, "let's
go
to my place and try them out."
So they did, and after four hours of screwing the blonde says "Boy
that
was sure nice, now that I'm rested and still horny, I want the other
one." Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled
out a
limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared "Well, I'll be
damned!
He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Where
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Why Men Have Bikes
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pharmacy Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'll find it
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I'm a little concerned
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sorry I didn't ask for directions
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the shade of the old apple tree
I got all that was coming to me.
In the soft dewy grass
Had a fine piece of ass
From a maiden that's so fine to see.
____________
It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.
____________
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed,
Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.
<Snaged by>
Ross
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little David tells a tale...
Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher
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fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristicall
quiet and
so she asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his
clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go
out to the
alley with some guy and do it with him for money."
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"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I
was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Charlie
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Aggie couple, both undergraduates, checked into
a motel on the outskirts of Bryan, TX. Shortly after
entering their room, the young lady excused herself
to go to the bathroom. Minutes later she returned
dressed in pajamas, looked towards her boyfriend
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As he returned, he said "Screw you," and turned out
the lights. After crawling beneath the covers he
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over, turning their backs to one another, and went to
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walked to the car. As he opened her door, she looked
into his eyes and said, "You know, I don't think this
oral sex is all it's made out to be!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
EXPLAINING ECONOMICS
TO DOGS AND CATS
By Jackie Gregg
So, I'm in the kitchen.
All four dogs are in the kitchen with me. It's morning and
that means it's time for cookies. The dogs all know this and they do
not let it slip my mind. Ever.
All four furry dog butts are planted on the tiled floor in a
Row. All four tails going back and forth like they are competing in
a synchronized tail wagging contest. Their expectant looks always
make me smile.
But, this morning, they are getting a little lecture with their
cookies.
"Listen, my doggies," I begin carefully, "The whole country is
experiencing financial problems and we're going to have to tighten
our belts around here. Do you know what that means?"
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag.
"Well, it means that instead of each of you getting four
cookies in the morning, you will only be getting three."
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. Cookies, cookies! She said cookies,
right?
"We must make every penny count for two for a while so we're
going to have to cut back on a lot of extras."
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. Extra, extra! She said extra
cookies, right?
"So now, that box of doggie treats has to last for a whooole
Month instead of three weeks."
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. Oh, yeah!! Doggie treats! When she
says doggie treats, she means cookies!! And we love cookies!! Wag,
Wag, wag, wag, wag.
"We're going to have to cut way back on the smoked pigs ears,
too."
WAG, WAG, WAG, WAG, WAG. She said smoked pigs ears, didn't
she? Yep. She said it. We're dogs... We have good hearing.
"So, from now on, you're only gonna get smoked pigs ears every
other month or so, okay?"
WAG, WAG, WAG, WAG, WAG. Did you hear that? We're getting
pigs ears! Woo Hoo!!
"We're all making sacrifices now," I say as I dig into the dog
Treat box and come up with four square tidbits. A brown one for
Timm, a yellow one for Violet and whatever is left for Raisin and
Batdawg because they aren't the fussy ones.
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Okay, we're
ready for round two of cookie time!
"Like not having flavored cream in my coffee every morning," I
say, letting them know they aren't the only ones having to make
changes as I pass out the treats. "It's back to plain milk for me."
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Okay, none
of
Us peed in the hallway last night so pay up, lady! Round three!
"And no more pricey paper towels to clean up the messes you
dogs Make!" I admonish tenderly, "We're using the cheap store brand
now."
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Round four,
please!
"It won't be so bad," I say, looking at their eager faces.
"There'll always be plenty of regular dog food. It's just the treats
we're cutting back on."
Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. Where's round four, lady? Huh? Hey!
Excuse us, but aren't you forgetting something? Like round four of
cookie time?
"Sorry, guys, but that's it for today," I say and show them my
Empty palms. That's the signal that treat time is over. They looked
at one another and I swear I could see the confusion on their faces.
Then Raisin heaves one of her big dog sighs and turns to leave. The
rest of the dogs follow her into the living room and soon they are
all stretched out in their favorite spots because right after cookie
Time, nap time is next on their daily agenda.
Smith, the cat, purrs into the kitchen then and butts his head
Against my shins. That's his way of reminding me that his food dish
is empty and he would like his half a can of tender slices in real
beef gravy and ONLY tender slices in real beef gravy and not some
other flavor, or some other brand, if you don't mind. And even if
you do mind, it had better be exactly what I want or I will throw it
up on the sofa, and we don't want that mess again, now do we, lady?
He sits primly in front of me, wrapping his tail around to
cover his front paws. He blinks at me a few times and then yawns.
"Smith, old buddy," I begin gently, "I have some news for you.
Times are tough right now, the old pocket book has taken a direct
hit, so we're gonna have to tighten our belts a little. Do you know
What that means?"
He blinks again. Yeah, I know what that means. That means you
And the dogs are gonna have to make a few cutbacks. Now, where's my
half a can of tender slices in real beef gravy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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