Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Ok so we have managed to get behind again, so we are calling this
Monday's Chips. and that way I will be able to stay ahead of the game
till the next time someone gets sick or the computer breaks. Actually
I have been plagued with a bout of colds around here lately that has
left me with a few cooking and shopping chores more than usual. I had
to run out shopping this morning because runny noses had not only
wiped out every tissue in the house but also the sixteen rolls of
toilet paper I bought on Thursday and no one mentioned it when I went
shopping yesterday for sodas. I had to discover it for myself
when I noticed paper towel in the bathroom.
As for the computer the other day the chirp came back and I
discovered I had cleaned and oiled the wrong fan. I shut the computer
off and removed the power supply and found it not only clogged but
suffering from a dry bearing. I had just taken a shower and the
next thing I am covered with rust brown dust balls and filthy. I got
everything back together with only one missing screw and fired it up
and the chirping was gone although it took awhile for a faint whine
to disappear and I started working on my email. About a half hour
later I heard a few chirps and was getting ready to punch the
computer right in the DVD player when I realized the chirping was on
the TV. Either I have found the problem or the computer is afraid of
me now.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Warden Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Game Warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young
boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the
boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The Game Warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done
roosted
under my arm!'
The Game Warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his
wing, I'll
break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are
you
gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious.
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs!
Harveythefrogprince
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Viagra Side Effects
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Immature Man
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Formatting The Harddrive
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when I married
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procrastination
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friends
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nitwit Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A TALE OF TWO NITWITS.
It was the best of times,
and then some crap happened.
Everybody loved Father FitzMother, the old Irish priest.
When his high voice sang out "Top o' the mornin to ya"
it would put a smile on a constipated leprechaun.
Then one day folks noticed
he said it when nobody was around.
He said it to squirrels.
He said it to doorknobs.
A brutal killer admitted his crimes in the confessional,
and the aged priest gave him a "Top o' the mornin' to ya".
The criminal flew into a rage
and the good father was rushed to the ER
with a clay pipe lodged in his lower intestine.
They gave him a strong anesthetic,
not for pain,
but to shut him up.
It was like having a crazy parrot.
No longer able to fulfill his priestly duties,
he turned to crime
He would toss his manic "Top o' the mornin' to ya"
at strangers on the street.
They would smile back while he picked their pockets.
He was arrested and sent to the nut ward,
where he was diagnosed
as having a rare and stupid form of Tourette's Syndrome.
He was released as "Harmless, but annoying".
He was homeless for a while.
The other homeless people would leap into dumpsters
when he approached.
Harriet Freehorn was a seventy-nine year old widow,
and a former parishioner of Father F.
She was also deaf as a yak in heat...
a deaf yak.
Harriet thought her ex priest was just being affectionate
when he was picking her pockets.
She couldn't hear what he was saying.
To make a long story dumber,
they moved in together,
her hearing was miraculously restored,
and the first words she heard were these:
"Top o' the mornin' to ya".
She thought it was cute
for about twenty minutes,
and then she beat him to death with a stuffed owl.
As he was dying,
he opened his eyes,
and with his last breath,
whispered "Oh, crap".
Jack Blanchard
© 2008.
Charlie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Gas Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Man's Good Fight
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to
the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from
me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No "Watson's Movement 2." Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery
store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that
always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out
of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been
torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and
I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her
head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made
me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped
down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion
took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat
because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and
Awe." He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!
then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a
few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
or two which ought to take care of the problem."
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day
I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because
we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going
to have to repaint the store..
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Visiting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John decided to visit his friend, Dave,who had just moved into a new
high-rise apartment building. As he parked his car and got out, he
heard a woman's voice say, "Hi there, big boy."
Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady-dressed in a shear negligee,
leaning over the railing. "Come on up and see me," she purred.
John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the
elevator to the fifth floor, and as he got off-an apartment door
opened and the sexy lady beckoned him toward her. John walked over
to the open door.
"I've been waiting for someone like you," the lady said as she slowly
unzipped his pants. John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and
the lady took it into her hand.
Then she gave it a sharp whack with her other hand! John jumped back
in alarm.
"What the hell did you do that for?" he cried.
She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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After about 2 hours he sees another row boat going by with a man and
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The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"
The other man yells back "They're not whores...they'
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Therapy Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
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10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sermon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to
think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9 PM he finally said to
his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon. I'm
going to give a sermon about horseback riding." She said, "Don't be
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replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on
just about every other subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't
believe that you're insisting on doing this. You know, if you're
going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going
to stay in the car during the service." He said, "OK, then, suit
yourself," so she stayed in the car. Entering church, the preacher
had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on
SEX that had the congregation in awe.
As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw
his wife sitting in the car and approached her. One of them
said, "Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever
given. ' She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it? He
talks big, but he's only tried it twice in his life. Once before we
were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
____________
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
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That eros spelt backwards is sore."
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple was going to a costume party. The
husband was unsure of what costume to wear.
His wife was telling him to hurry or they would
be late for the party. She was walking down
the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked
except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of
boots.
"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked
the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains
the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in
about 2 minutes. He also was completely
naked except he had a rose vase slid over his
penis.
"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked
the wife.
"I am a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the
glass, pull twice, and I come."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one
day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the
funeral. Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at
the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his
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"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do
it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1441
The Klassics (cont)
Diana: What are the dogs doing?
BJ: I think I should have put the Harvard classics up. They read
Robin
Hood. Now they have read Gulliver's Travels.
Diana: I wonder why Rudy is tied to the ground and the kitten is
running
over his belly.
BJ: The land of Lilliput.
Meanwhile outside...
Rudy: Untie me you midget.
Pearl(the new addition to our family): You monster you! We have you
trapped.
Rudy: I am losing my temper...Rudy struggles and starts to snap free
from
his confines..
Pearl: Help, help the giant is loose!
Rudy: I am not a monster.
Sandi from the bushes: Wrong line. That is from the hunchback of
Notre
Dame.
Rudy: Oh, All for one and one for all!
Katie from the bushes: Wrong line, that is from the Three Musketeers.
Rudy: Abandon ship!
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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